Hookup List

by J. S. Abilene

  “You think you can throw up on me and get away with it?” she hissed. “I don’t think so. Girls – take him down!”

  Screams erupted all around me and then the girls charged as one. I felt someone slam into my back while a girl leapt through the air and hit me in the chest like some kind of heat-seeking missile. I groaned as the double impact was immediately compounded by numerous other girls slamming into me. I went down hard and I felt the girls pile on top of me.

  “Girls, get his arms. His arms!” El Diablo screeched. One by one the girls got off of me. I took deep breaths, savoring the return of air to my lungs. For skinny girls they could sure seem pretty heavy.

  The girls clutched my arms and legs tightly. There was so many of them that it was impossible to shake them all off. I was pinned. Then I felt a finger running down my back. I tensed up. I could guess who that finger belonged to.

  “Well isn’t this interesting?” El Diablo said. “Once again it seems that you find yourself powerless around me. This is getting to be a habit, Nate.”

  I tried to issue a retort but the panda head made that nearly impossible. The bottom of the head was pressed firmly against my jaw, restricting movement, and aside from the eyes the head was pretty thick. I was sure that any noise I managed to get out got muffled by the plastic, foam, and fabric.

  “What’s that?” El Diablo asked. “I can’t hear you. Mascots aren’t really supposed to talk, you know.” El Diablo’s finger had reached my butt. She pinched my butt cheek. I tried to squirm away but it was no use. “You’ve got such a cute butt. Too bad we have to cover you up, but we can’t send you onto the field unzipped, can we? Here, let me help you.”

  Field? What was she talking about? I felt the zipper on the back of my suit being zipped up.

  “Aren’t these mascot suits cumbersome?” El Diablo asked. “This suit is one of the worst. Do you know it’s impossible to unzip yourself out of this suit? Yeah, you have to have someone help you. Just to make sure, though, we’ve brought some twist ties to make sure that zipper stays nice and secure. Maybe once this is all over, if you’re a good boy, you can come find me and I’ll cut you out.”

  I tried to wriggle loose but it was no use. The girls weren’t giving up and the suit was so awkward that I wasn’t even sure I could stand if they let me go. Even worse, it was hot in the suit and I was beginning to sweat. This was torturous.

  “Now, you might be wondering what we’re doing,” El Diablo said in a sweet voice that belied her treatcherous nature. “That’s a good question. You might not know this being a new student and all, but every year at Lakeville we have a little tradition. At the first exhibition home football game of the year, we take a bunch of freshmen from the football team, stick them in all the different school mascot uniforms, and let them loose on the field. The rest of the football team hunts them down, tackles them, and roughs them up a bit – jokingly, of course. It’s something of an initiation ritual, you see. We don’t do it at an important game like homecoming but the school looks the other way for a game like this that doesn’t count. Anyway, when I got a call telling me that you were naked in the woods on this particular night, I realized that fortune had a sense of humor. The girls started asking around among the freshmen boys to find out which mascot suit was the most cumbersome. It turns out that the panda suit was the most dreaded one because of the tightness of the head and the difficulty speaking.”

  “Again, luck struck,” El Diablo continued. “Zac Knight had been designated as the panda. It seems that the older guys on the team knew Zac because of his brother and wanted to give him an extra hard time. Zac was more than happy to relinquish the panda suit to us when we told him that we had another volunteer. Then we just left the panda suit in the field and you did all the rest. You also gave us a very fun little panda hunt. Thank you. I’m forgetting something, though. Jessica, what was it that Zac told us?”

  “He gave us his protective pads and told us to make sure that the volunteer wore them,” Jessica said. “Zac said he bought extra resilient stuff just for tonight. He said the older football guys tended to get carried away in the heat of the moment.”

  “Oh but shoot,” El Diablo said. Her voice had a mocking tone to it. “It seems as if we’ve forgotten all the equipment. Don’t worry Nate, you’re a tough boy, you’ll be fine. Now girls, it’s almost half time. Our little panda can’t be late. Let’s get him loaded.”

  The girls started to haul me to my feet. This was my chance! Just as I was readying myself to make a break for it, however, the girls pushed me down again. Rather, they pushed me sideways right into some sort of box.

  “It’s Becca’s dog’s cage,” El Diablo explained as the metal door shut, leaving me crammed inside. “Sorry, we can’t let you arrive in style. Durmondale High School is the pandas and they really suck. They’re almost as bad as Churchill.”

  The girls grabbed hold of my cage and heaved. I was yanked up through the air and then landed hard on something metallic.

  “Okay ladies, let’s go watch the show!” El Diablo bellowed. She sounded like a military officer from the old days leading a cavalry charge. There was a sudden jerk and then my cage was in motion. I appeared to be on some sort of golf cart or custodian’s field cart. How had they gotten that?

  I tried to curse my luck but all that came out was mumbles. I was forced to grit my teeth and wait, my body painfully squeezed and cramped. This was not good, not good at all. My mind worked a mile a minute trying to come up with a way out of this predicament while my panda-clad body hurtled towards my inevitable fate on the football field.

  Chapter 31 – Becoming The Panda

  “Hey Zac, you ready for this buddy?” the idiot linebacker asked.

  I tried to yell at his that I wasn’t Zac but the guy clearly couldn’t hear me. With the roar of the crowd, I could barely hear myself.

  “And here comes the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” the stadium announcer thundered. “It’s the mascot roundup!” The crowd went wild. Animals. “Lakeville’s finest are going to show just how they’ll crush all the other schools this year,” the announcer continued after the cheering died down. “Are you ready? Three. Two. One. Go!”

  The door to my cage popped open and several football players picked it up from the back, dumping me out the front. I scrambled to my feet and took off sprinting down the field.

  I don’t know why I even bothered. I had no hope of getting away. I saw mascots all around me getting tackled by massive football players. A rhino got lifted up into the air and body slammed onto the turf. Some type of bird got slide tackled and a tiger straight up got close lined. And then I heard someone behind me yell, “Hey Knight! Knighty… we’re coming for you.”

  They thought I was Zac Knight. That meant they were coming for me.

  I made it about three more steps before something slammed into me from behind and I crashed into the turf hard. All the air was driven out of my lungs. I gasped for breath as someone flipped me over.

  Three hulking football players were looking down at me. “You think he’s okay?” one of them asked.

  “Oh, hell yeah. You remember all that padding the kid went out and bought? He knew what was coming, didn’t you Zac-y poo? Plus, look how big the panda’s stomach is. He’s fine in there,” One of the other football players said. “Okay, we need to put on a good show. What order should we do it in? Elbow drop, Boston crab, nut cracker?”

  “Sounds good,” the third football player said. “Let’s make it a double flying elbow drop.”

  I didn’t have to wait long to find out what that meant. I was just beginning to get some air back into my lungs when two of the football players leapt in the air and landed on top of me with their elbows extended. I clutched my stomach and rolled around in pain.

  “My turn,” the third player said. He flipped me onto my stomach and grabbed my legs. Then he sat down on my back, pulling my legs backward with him as if he intended to try to make my heels touch my ears.
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br />   Surprisingly, that actually didn’t hurt that bad. The guy didn’t yank too hard on my legs; at least he wasn’t trying to permanently maim me. I was still worried, however, because the guys thought I was wearing pads and the final move the guys had mentioned was something ominously called the “nut cracker.”

  Sure enough, the guy finally got off of me and then said, “Grab his legs, boys. It’s time for the finale. You know the routine. This is a humane mascot treatment program. We catch ‘em, beat ‘em, crush their balls, and then release ‘em back into the wild.”

  Two football players flipped me over and then pulled my legs apart like they were trying to snap a wishbone.

  “It’s a good thing you bought that catcher’s cup, kid,” the player standing between my legs said with a chuckle. “We’ve got make this look good. That way all your cute little girlie crushes will think you’re out of commission for a while and will coming looking for us at the party tonight.”

  Then the player placed his foot between my legs and started grinding it into my crotch.

  A guy wearing a cup and a padded panda suit probably wouldn’t have felt much. For me, it was torture. I let out a high-pitched whimper and clutched at my crotch. The football guys just laughed. “That’s good, Zac,” one of them said. “This has gotta look hilarious. A frickin’ panda!”

  “The panda suit is pretty thick,” my torturer observed as he continued to rub his cleated foot in my crotch. “I can’t even feel the cup.”

  I didn’t even bother trying to get up when they finally let me go. I just lay in a fetal position and clutched my groin.

  “Ha ha. Wait, do you think you actually hurt him?” I heard one of the guys asked.

  “Hmmm… maybe I accidentally moved his cup,” the torturer said. “Ouch, can you imagine how painful that’d be? Maybe we should get him off the field.”

  One of the guys grabbed my legs and the other guy grabbed my shoulders. They heaved me into the air. I groaned as movement jostled my jewels. The guys carried me off the field as the crowd continued to roar. They brought me around the back of the stands and dumped me in the grass by a tree.

  “Sorry Knight, feel better,” one of them said. Then they ran back to the field, leaving me alone to suffer my male anguish.

  I fell onto my side and moaned as I clutched at my groin with my oversized panda paws. I still had no idea how I was going to get out of my ridiculous suit but at least the worst was over.

  I lay in the spot without moving for five minutes. Then 10 minutes. I couldn’t seem to get my muscles to work and I was still thinking over the bizarre series of events that had, once again, led to my complete humiliation. Ugh, what a mess. I knew I should get moving. I wanted to make the walk up to my car while the fans were still preoccupied with the game. I started mentally readying myself to start moving.

  That’s when I heard someone’s footsteps. I opened my eyes – which had been clenched shut – and glanced through the mesh panda eyes at the pathway that went behind the stands. Someone was approaching. I couldn’t make out the person’s features in the dark but at least the figure looked too broad-shouldered to be one of El Diablo’s girls and wasn’t wearing a football uniform.

  The figure moved into the light and I saw his face. I groaned in dismay. It was Bryson London.

  I willed myself to sink down into the grass and blend into my surroundings. Maybe he wouldn’t notice me. I tried to breathe as quietly as possible.

  Bryson just stood there, leaning against the cement wall that backed the stands, as if waiting for something. I had no idea how he didn’t see me lying there. His eyes appeared unfocused as he stared off into nothingness, as if lost in thought.

  I prayed that he would move on quickly but he seemed content to just stand there. I began to wonder if he saw me and was just playing a game with me, maybe messing with my head. Should I just stand up and get the beating over with?

  I was still thinking this over when another person rounded the corner that Bryson had just walked around. He approached Bryson and the two of them started talking quietly to each other. I frowned. The newcomer was wearing blue. That was the color of the other team I had seen on the field. What school was it? Rosedale? In any case, why was Bryson meeting with a fan from the opposing team in a deserted area behind the stands?

  The Rosedale boy reached up and touched Bryson’s cheek. Then he leaned in and kissed Bryson.

  It took every ounce of self control I possessed not to yell in shock. Bryson London was gay? Then I told myself to calm down and not turn this into Liam all over again. This wasn’t the 19th century. There was nothing wrong with two gay males expressing their affection for each other. Still, the fact that they were doing this behind the stadium indicated that they did not want anyone watching. I was definitely not welcome.

  The boys, oblivious to my presence, continued to make out. Bryson spun the Rosedale boy around and pushed him up against the wall. He began to unbutton the Rosedale boy’s shirt.

  Nope, I couldn’t be here for this. There was only one thing I could do at this point: leave. What’s more, I knew that it would do no good to run. If the boys wanted to kick the stuffing out of me, it would be easy enough for them to catch me.

  I stood up clumsily, trying to make plenty of noise as I did so to alert the boys to my presence. They didn’t seem to notice me at first but then, as I hopped down onto the pathway, the Rosedale’s boy’s eyes flickered up to me. They instantly went as wide as saucers and he shouted, “Holy sh…”

  Bryson’s hand instinctively shot up to cover the Rosedale boy’s mouth. Then Bryson whirled around in alarm to see who had snuck up on them. It seems that he wasn’t expecting to be confronted by a giant panda, however. His jaw dropped and he gaped at me in stunned silence.

  I couldn’t help it. I enjoyed seeing Bryson’s shock too much. I raised my arm and waved to them happily. Then I turned around and walked up the hill.

  I have no idea what was going through their minds but neither of them came after me. They were probably still too shocked. After all, it isn’t everyday that your make-out session gets interrupted by a panda.

  I finally got back to my car but I still had two problems. The first was that the girls had taken my keys with my clothes. That was fine because I had a hidden key taped under my license plate. If I could find a stray coin somewhere, I could loosen the screws on my license plate and get the key. The more immediate problem, however, was that I was still trapped inside the panda suit and I had no idea how to get it off. I was looking around the parking lot, hoping that inspiration would strike me, when I noticed the statue by the west entrance. I was a metal pirate statue covered in grey paint. By the pirate’s foot was an anchor with a sharp point on the end of it.

  It took about five minutes of rubbing one of my panda paws against the sharp point to cut a hole large enough to get my hand out. After another few minutes I was able to free the other hand. Once my hands were free I tried to reach the zipper behind my back but discovered that the arms were still too restrictive. Thus, I spent the next ten minutes scouring the parking lot for a coin while still fully clad in my panda suit. I finally found a dirty penny and was able to use it to retrieve my spare key. As I was driving home, I speculated on what sort of ID a panda would need to satisfy a police officer as to his ability to operate a motor vehicle. Luckily, I didn’t run into any cops, but I think I scared the crap out of a kid in the backseat of a station wagon that was going by.

  I finally parked at my house and squeezed out of my car with great difficulty. I slipped sideways through the door from the garage to the house and plodded into the kitchen.

  “Nathan! It’s good to have you home. I was just making some tea,” My mom’s voice said. “Do you want… ah!” she screamed as she turned around and saw me. This was followed by the sound of a tea cup smashing on the ground.

  I looked at the horror on my mom’s face and sighed. Not being able to speak, I simply lifted my arm and waved.

  “W
hat in the world… you know what, I’m not even going to ask,” Mom said, shaking her head as if trying to clear the image out of her mind. “I swear, raising boys is terrifying sometimes, though at least Aaron never came home dressed like a panda. I can’t believe that other parents have to deal with this kind of thing. I mean, I can believe getting caught in your commandant’s daughter’s room, but no one ever told me that my teenage son would show up in a panda suit one day.” Mom put a hand on her head as if she had got a sudden headache. “That is you in there, right?” she asked. Her tone seemed to imply that while she hoped a stranger had not just walked into her house in a panda suit, she almost might prefer it to learning that her son had.

  I couldn’t really answer her so I nodded, except that I couldn’t really nod so it was more of a bow from the waist.

  “And you’re sure you don’t want to talk to me about this?”

  I shook my head – well, my entire body – angrily.

  “Well I’m sorry, it’s just not every day that your son comes home as a panda,” Mom said defensively. “Okay, I guess there are some worse life decisions you could be making, I suppose. I’ll just leave you to it then. Goodnight.

  I walked up to my room to figure out some way to cut myself out of the suit. My feet moved slowly up the stairs, weighed down by the sense of defeat that a guy gets from coming out as a panda to his mother.

  Chapter 33 – Sister

  That weekend I texted the freshman kid from the soccer team, Cooper Kelley, and told him I’d meet him at Sanders Park to kick the ball around. Then I called Faith and told her to come find me at the park. The Reagans lived right next to the park so that was convenient. I gave Faith a meeting time that was two hours after the time I gave Cooper. I figured that would give Cooper and me plenty of time to get a workout in.

  It was a cool fall day. The leaves were starting to change colors, making the picturesque park seem as if it had come right out of a painting. Cooper arrived on his bike with a soccer ball stuffed into his backpack. He was wearing a long-sleeve blue workout shirt and white shorts and gave me a big smile when he saw me.