Christmas or Bust

by A. M Burke

  “Elliot was a jerk is all,” Nora sniffed trying to get her emotions under control. “I need a shower.”

  “Hold it right there Nora Ellis,” Claire ordered. “You need to tell me right now what is going on or I swear I’ll call Elliot and ask him.”

  “Because he’s so forth coming,” Nora scoffed.

  "I have my ways and I’m fully prepared to implement them on the two of you,” Claire warned. “No you tell me what happened because frankly I’m worried about you both. Well, mostly you because I can see what is going on in front of me but I’m sure that Elliot is being silently miserable too so spill so I can help make it better.”

  “Claire, it was silly, it was stupid and I really don’t want to talk about it,” Nora insisted. She turned to walk towards the bathroom but Claire moved to intercept her, blocking the door with her body.

  “Talk,” Claire ordered and Nora narrowed her wet eyes.

  “No.”

  “Talk,” Claire ordered again.

  “No,” Nora said more forcefully.

  “Nora, you need to talk to me,” Claire snapped.

  “I don’t want to talk!” Nora yelled and to her horror she began to cry uncontrollably. Nora caught a glimpse of Claire’s shocked face before she clasped her hands over her face and tried to control her sobs.

  “Nora,” Claire breathed out heavily and collected her friend in an awkward hug. She expected to be pushed away but Nora collapsed into her friend’s arms and sobbed into her shoulder. Claire tried to recall a time when Nora had ever come this undone but couldn’t place one in her mind. Her worry deepened as Claire steered them to the couch and they sat uncomfortably together. Claire made soothing noises, padding Nora on the back and letting her friend cry out all that she was obviously holding in. Finally after a few minutes Nora quieted and her shaking subsided and she drew away from Claire.

  “I’m sorry, I really am, I don’t know what came over me,” Nora rambled out excuses. “I must be really overtired.”

  “Oh that’s bull and you know it,” Claire told her glared at her friend but softened the look when she saw the tears still in Nora’s eyes. “Now you’ve got two options here,” Claire said holding up two fingers. “One you sit here and let me make you a strong drink and then you tell me what is going on or two you sit here and tell me what’s going on and then I make you a strong drink.”

  “Shower first?” Nora suggested instead. Claire looked at her skeptically. “Shower, drink, confession,” Nora promised.

  “Fine, but if I think you’re trying to crawl out of the window I’m coming in there after you,” Claire threatened as the timer on the oven dinged.

  “The window is about the size of our DVD player,” Nora joked weakly as she and Claire rose off the couch.

  “I’m onto you Ellis, I know you can accomplish a lot when you’re determined and I’m not letting you duck out of this,” Claire warned walking into the kitchen.

  “Alright, alright Claire, I read you loud and clear,” Nora sighed and headed off to the shower.

  “I mean it Nora,” Claire called after her. “If you aren’t back here in forty-five minutes I’m coming in after you.” Nora had no doubt but she didn’t make a comment as she shut the bathroom door behind her and shook her head in disgust at her behavior as she started the shower and stepped in. She wanted to chock it up to being stressed or overtired or overwhelmed but she knew that wasn’t it. Nora was heartsick, plain and simple and Elliot Grimmald was the cause. But was he also the solution? She didn’t know the answer to that. All she did know was that when Keith Lockhart was flirting with her, asking for coffee, she’d felt a deep sense of panic at the thought going on a date on him. And they weren’t the expected predate jitters she normally experienced. These feelings seem to border on a full blown panic attack. She felt like she was still suffering from the effects of it.

  And God, breaking down in front of Claire like that. Nora buried her hand in her face as she stood under the stream of water. How mortifying. And now Nora would have to somehow explain herself to Claire. What was worse, she suspected Claire had a very good idea just what was going on. She knew both Nora and Elliot so well it wouldn’t surprise Nora if she had already guessed every sordid detail of the affair. There was a knock on the door that jarred Nora from her miserable thoughts.

  “It’s been forty-five minutes Nora; do I need to come in there?” Claire called through the door.

  “No, I’m almost done,” Nora lied grabbing the shampoo bottle and set to work. She was out of the shower in record time and tiptoed to her bedroom, calling to Claire that she’d be out in a few minutes. Drying quickly and dressing in her favorite worn sweatpants and cozy t-shirt Nora joined her friend back in the living room, damp hair hanging around her, and was immediately presented with the only drink Claire had remotely successfully made, a screwdriver that was often more vodka than orange juice. A bartender Claire was not but Nora was grateful for the gesture.

  “Honestly, as a doctor you think you’d know the benefits of drying your hair,” Claire tutted as she scooped mashed potatoes onto the plates besides a helping of baked chicken and steamed asparagus. “If you didn’t have me looking after you I swear you would have keeled over from a diet of junk food and wet hair.”

  “Yes, thank goodness for pushy friends,” Nora said taking a sip from her glass. Once again Claire did not fail to deliver on a strong drink. “You know most screwdrivers have orange juice in them as well as vodka.”

  “None of your cute jokes,” Claire warned, “spill.”

  “Dinner first?” Nora asked. “I’m really hungry.”

  “I’ll throw this food out the window if you go anywhere near it before you tell me everything,” Claire threatened and Nora’s eyes widened in surprise. Apparently Claire was serious; not that Nora hadn’t believed her to begin with but normally Nora could put Claire off long enough to let the situation defuse slightly. Claire was glaring at her from the kitchen, hands on her hips but the image was slightly comical since Claire was wearing a pink frilly apron, a hand-me-down from her mother, and sporting a potato covered spoon. Nora bit her lip and tried to think of a way out of this.

  “Claire,” Nora started to say but Claire interrupted her.

  “No Nora, you aren’t begging off from this, something is up between you and Elliot and I think I have a right to know.”

  “Do you now?” Nora asked genuinely annoyed. “I’m pretty sure it’s actually none of your business.”

  “Try me,” Claire challenged. Nora looked her roommate over. Though studying to be a psychologist Claire had the making of a lawyer and Nora knew she didn’t stand a chance.

  “Claire please, don’t press me on this,” Nora said softly.

  “How long have we known each other?” Claire asked changing tactics.

  “Four, five years now?” Nora guessed trying to count backwards. It seemed like only yesterday and yet a lifetime ago at the same time. She’d come to New York scared, alone, barely considered an adult and trying to convince herself that she could handle this on her own. A teacher from Weatherwood had connected Nora and Claire and Nora had been in awe of Claire. She’d never known someone so pretty and kind and self-assured. She was confident without being cocky and, in Nora’s opinion, incredibly down to earth for a woman raised in a life where money was no object. Just knowing Claire, being near her, had made Nora grow more confident by becoming friends with her.

  “So we’ve known each other that long and yet you still think you can get away with trying to push me away when you’re really upset? Nora, you don’t cry, at least not for no reason and I’m pretty positive that the reason you are so upset is directly related to Elliot,” Claire said sounding exasperated.

  “How about instead I tell you about a guy I met today. His name is Keith he’s a social worker, I think, or a child advocate, I don’t know the difference really,” Nora admitted trying to put a smile on her face so Claire would think she was excited about the encounter.
“He recognized me on the train and then saw me again at the hospital when I was starting my second shift. I looked like hell and he still asked me out for coffee.”

  “That’s not why you came in crying like a baby,” Claire shot back.

  “I was not crying like a baby,” Nora argued and Claire gave her a look. “Ok, so maybe a little bit.”

  “Nora, so help me I’m about to call Elliot and ask him just what the hell is going on,” Claire threatened and Nora felt her heart jump in her throat.

  “Don’t,” she protested softly and Claire’s eyes widened.

  “So that’s it then,” she said with an evil looking grin.

  “Claire don’t,” Nora warned pointing a finger at her.

  “Clearly I’m not getting anywhere with you,” Claire said walking to the counter that her phone was on. “I’m not sure why I didn’t think of it earlier. It’s a much better idea to go to the source of the problem.”

  “Claire if you call him about me I swear we will be done as friends.”

  Claire gave her a look over her shoulder that she thought Nora was crazy and started to dial. Nora felt panic well up inside her. Elliot would blow her in. Probably joke about it, confess they had a fling and leave it at that. Or worse, he’d completely deny that anything happened and say that Nora meant nothing more to him now than she had at the start of the trip.

  “Claire, please, I’m begging you don’t,” Nora whispered.

  “Hey Elliot,” Claire said completely ignoring Nora.

  “Claire, don’t!” Nora yelled loud enough to make her roommate jump. Claire turned startled back to face Nora, her expression shocked. Nora could hear Elliot on the phone, calling out to Claire, trying to get her attention.

  “Claire? Claire? Are you there? I heard yelling. Damnit Claire, answer me, are you alright?” Elliot’s voice shouted over the phone jarring Claire again.

  “Sorry Elliot, I didn’t mean to call you, everything is ok,” she answered numbly.

  “Damnit Claire, don’t scare me like that,” Elliot barked into phone. “I thought you were dying.”

  “No, I’m sorry,” Claire apologized and shot Nora an apologetic look. “Let me call you back.”

  “Tell me what the hell was going on,” Elliot ordered.

  “I’ll call you back.”

  “Claire,” Elliot barked but Claire hung up and continued to stare at Nora.

  “Nora I’m sorry,” she breathed.

  “Will you please just let it go,” Nora snapped back and Claire gave a hesitant nod much to Nora’s relief.

  “I still really think you should talk about it,” Claire added and Nora glared at her.

  “I’m going to bed.”

  “But you didn’t eat anything,” Claire protested weakly. “I’m sorry, really Nora, I’ll drop it I promise.”

  “No, it smells wonderful, thank you for cooking but I have another early shift tomorrow,” Nora said by way of apology and then ignored Claire’s further protests and went to bed.

  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  Nora didn’t sleep a wink. From the time she crawled into bed until her alarm sounded the next morning at four Nora lay wide awake, crying quietly without warning at one moment, staring blankly at the wall the next. Claire tried to check on her once but Nora was unresponsive so Claire let her be much to Nora’s relief. Elliot sent her a message around midnight asking if she was ok. Nora deleted it without a second thought. Elliot was becoming a poison in her life that she needed to be rid of. Maybe she’d been due for a good emotional breakdown. From the moment she’d gotten into the car with him to the moment he left her she’d been stifling her emotions and they were bound to come out one way or another right?

  The hospital was a hard place to be that day. Everyone seemed to need a piece of her and Nora was beginning to wonder if she had anything to give. No one stopped to ask if she was ok which made her wonder how they perceived her the rest of the time or if everyone was just too absorbed in themselves and work load to pay her and her troubles any mind. Unlike many of the other doctors and nurses on staff Nora didn’t have a particularly close relationship with anyone. They were all friendly, attending parties, getting drinks every so often but Nora wasn’t sure that she’d ever count any of them as a friend the same way she counted Claire. That is if she could still count Claire as a friend after the way she’d behaved the night before.

  She needed closure. More importantly she wanted to know why she needed closure.

  Over a late lunch she came to her conclusion.

  She, Nora Ellis, who was considered a prodigy and gifted surgeon, was a complete and utter idiot.

  She’d been so preoccupied with telling herself that she couldn’t be in love Elliot, listing off every excuse she could fathom but the simple truth was that you could love someone so quickly, so certainly, and she was in love with Elliot.

  Nora expected another panic attack when she finally admitted this to herself but instead she felt surprisingly calm. More than calm; she felt like she was finally at peace after years of turmoil. There was a huge weight off her chest and Nora knew that they only way to keep it off. She immediately pulled out her phone but then she hesitated.

  Glancing at the clock Nora did a quick calculation and went in search of her boss.

  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  “Claire? Claire?” Nora called bursting through the door of her apartment. Not finding her roommate in the living room or attached kitchen Nora moved down the short hall toward the bedrooms. “Claire? Claire are you here?” Nora asked sticking her head into her bedroom. Claire, nose deep in a text book with her headphones stuck firmly in her ears jumped up from her desk as Nora knocked loudly on the open door.

  “Nora? Shit you scared me,” Claire said hastily and then looked puzzled and glanced at her clock. “I thought you were working late today, what’s up? Everything ok?”

  “Claire, I need a loan.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  By the time Nora explained the situation to Claire and packed a small bag they made it to JFK in time for the last flight of the night. It took a little while to explain the situation to Claire but, to Nora’s relief her friend absorbed everything quickly and acted just a fast. Claire called the airline while Nora changed and packed. They flagged down a taxi, Claire insisting on accompanying Nora as far as airport security would allow. They said goodbye, hugging each other tight, tears in both their eyes as Claire wished Nora good luck and Nora laughed weakly, replying she hoped she wouldn’t need it. But in the confides of the plane, seated in a cushy first class seat, the first time Nora had experienced such a comfortable plane ride, it all came rushing in on her. The enormity of what she’d done and what she still had left to do should have left her quaking in her boots but she was still strangely serene.

  Nora had come to the conclusion earlier that she was in love with Elliot and she wasn’t willing to let it ride out to see if it was just a passing infatuation. There was too much of a hole in her heart, in her life, to see if it faded it time. Nora feared that the hole would grow beyond her control and if not consume her completely, leave her irrevocably damaged.

  She needed to see Elliot when she talked to him, no matter the answer.

  And that was why she’d gone to her immediate supervisor and told them she had to take a leave of absence. It had taken longer than she thought to get it all sorted out. Two more top doctors and a HR representative had been called in for an impromptu meeting and she was chastised for not giving more notice, not being able to give a solid timeframe for when she’d be gone, or even a specific reason besides personal issues. Nora was advised to wait a week so everything could be put in order and then they could work out a short leave for her. Nora had taken a deep breath and told the group then that she quit and was sorry for the inconvenience. The panic, at least amongst the doctors, had been palpable and the Chief of Medicine was brought in.

  He too had scolded Nora but had agreed
to the emergency leave of absence, talking her into only taking two weeks as long as she promised that if she could return earlier, she would. Apparently Nora had become a bit of an asset to the hospital without even realizing it and Nora was only slightly ashamed to use it to her advantage. But this was something she had to do and the guilt could wait for another day.

  Claire had taken the news that Nora was in love with Elliot fairly well all things considered. After a few long moments of shocked silence she’d told Nora she suspected that something had happened between them but she hadn’t guessed it was that deep. Nora hadn’t pressed Claire to see what she thought Elliot was feeling and Claire hadn’t given anything away. Nora thought the silence spoke volumes. If she was being optimistic Nora would say she had a fifty-fifty shot of Elliot returning her feelings. If she was being pessimistic then Elliot would laugh in her face, tell her he’d only said what she needed to hear to get her into bed. If she was being realistic Elliot would tell her he was flattered but not interested in her that way.

  Sadly Nora was feeling fairly pessimistic and her mind was creating one horrible, embarrassing, emotionally damaging scenario after another. She wished she could sleep but her exhaustion had morphed into adrenaline and she was wide away, even after sipping two glasses of complimentary wine the plane ride dragged on. During her last flight, back from California to New York she’d been full of resolve and determination and it had been because of Elliot. This time she was still full of resolve and determination but with a different goal in mind now, though still because of Elliot.

  Hands folded in her lap, Nora stared out the window at the dark landscape below and didn’t realize she’d nodded off until a flight attendant quietly woke her and asked her to pull her seat up from its reclined position. Nora accepted the orange juice offered in an effort to wake up, resolving to find a hot cup of coffee as soon as they landed; she had some driving to do still tonight. They’d left New York a little after seven in the evening and were arriving in San Francisco at little before midnight. Claire had promised to call ahead and arrange a rental car for her and sure enough there was a car waiting for her, a tired looking attendant locking up after Nora had left the office, directing her toward the parking lot and then running off to his own car.