Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  I put away all the shit in my head and cleaned the kitchen. I moved through it. I just let myself… be.

  “Ryan,” Maggie called me from the back of the house, and I wiped my hands on a dishtowel. I shut the dishwasher and hit start.

  Maggie’s house was a small two-bedroom home. It was older, and I liked that it looked like they had lived here for forever. The kitchen was filled with Beth, her art hanging on the fridge. The living room was crammed with worn furniture, the fireplace mantle covered in family photos, and as I walked down the hallway, I glanced at even more pictures hanging on the wall. Some of Maggie and Beth and some, I assumed, were Maggie’s parents. I stopped as a certain picture grabbed my attention. I lifted my hand, almost touching the glass, and my fingers ached to touch the girl trapped in the picture. It was a picture of Maggie holding a newborn. She had tears running down her cheeks, and her smile was watery as she cradled the small baby in her arms.

  I wanted to step into the past, sit next to her, and hold that child too. I wanted to be the missing support, be the man by her side.

  “It was a bittersweet day,” Maggie’s voice whispered next to me, and I turned to look at her. Her blue eyes, like crystal, glittered with unshed emotion.

  “I wish I knew you then.” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but knowing Maggie wasn’t enough for me anymore, I wanted to have her. I wanted every detail from here on out.

  Her smile was wide as she wrapped an arm around my waist, and we both looked at the photo on the wall. “I’m glad you didn’t. I was a mess back then, and I’m still learning to trust again, but I’m glad I know you now.” She dropped her arm and laced her fingers with mine. “Time is a funny thing, Ryan. You can’t see what’s ahead of you, you can only look back and hope you don’t repeat the same mistakes, and I feel… no… I know that this…” she squeezed my hand, “…this is a fresh start.”

  She reached up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek.

  “A fresh start.” I held her face and kissed her with sincere lips.

  She pulled away with a breathless exhale. “She wants to say goodnight.” She bit the side of her cheek. “Is that okay?”

  I nodded.

  “Come on.”

  We walked hand in hand down the short hallway, and as we entered Beth’s room, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was an explosion of superheroes, purple, and green. Her walls were painted lavender and covered with comic book posters. Her bedding had The Hulk plastered on it, and her bright green stuffed Hulk sat at the end of the bed. I noticed a small mobile hanging above her bed with glass honey bees dangling from it. Everything in this house meant something. Everything, down to the wool blanket out on the couch, I’m sure had some special meaning. Maggie’s love for life and memories made me fall for her even more. She cherished every breath of a moment like it could be her last, and I admired her.

  “Do you know any good stories?” Beth asked me as she snuggled down into her bed.

  I chuckled. “I might, but it’s been awhile. I’m sort of rusty.”

  Maggie dropped my hand and sat on the bed next to Beth. “No stories tonight, Bee.” She leaned down and kissed her on the nose. “It’s getting late.”

  “Next time.” I smiled

  “What about a song?” she asked, and Maggie nodded.

  “Ryan, will you turn off the lamp, please?” Maggie pointed to the small bedside light.

  I moved a few steps and pulled the metal chain; except for the light from the hall, the room was set in a gray darkness. I listened as Maggie hummed and sang a child’s song about a honey bee. I should’ve felt like an intruder, but I didn’t. I watched Beth’s eyes flutter shut while Maggie ran her fingertips down Beth’s arm as the last few soft words played from her lips. She stood carefully when she finished, and her eyes met mine.

  I took her hand as we left the room. We made our way back to the living room before either of us dared to speak. “Is that why you call her Honey Bee?” I asked.

  I sat down on the couch, pulling her down next to me.

  “Oh, that song? I made it up a while ago.” She grinned. “When she was teething, my dad bought her this small bumble-bee chew toy. It was for a dog. He thought he was so funny. I wanted to be mad, but that’s just how my dad was, always the joker. The prankster. It just became a running joke that turned into a nickname, and after my parents had died, I didn’t… I wouldn’t let it die with them.” Her gaze dropped to her lap. “I suppose she’ll grow out of it eventually. But, that necklace you got for her… it meant so much to me…” She laughed and looked me in the eyes with that same watery smile from the photograph. “I think I’ll keep you… for now.”

  “Just for now?” I smirked, and she nodded. She situated herself so that she was sitting on my lap facing me. Her legs on either side of mine. Her hands held my face, and her lips pulled into a flirty smile. “As long as you’re sure,” I said as I inched toward her mouth, and the vacant space between us filled with anticipation.

  “Maybe I’ll keep you a bit longer,” she whispered just before my lips brushed hers.

  The kiss was an unhurried masterpiece. She nipped at my bottom lip, and I groaned. Maggie’s hands lifted, and she ran her fingers through my hair. My hands fit around her waist and, as my grip intensified, so did the urgency of our lips. I felt like a kid making out on my parents’ couch, feeling as if we’d be caught at any moment. I broke our kiss, and my eyes dropped to her lips. They were red and full, and I immediately regretted pulling away. “What about Beth?”

  “Beth? Who’s Beth?” She giggled, and I shook my head. She sighed and placed her lips on my neck. “I hate that you open the diner every day. I want you to stay.” Her breath tickled me, sending goose bumps along my neck and arms.

  “I wish I could.” I was struggling between what I wanted and my responsibilities as she kissed along my jaw, and made her way back to my mouth.

  “Then stay.” She was persuasive, and the coercion of each letter fell against my lips urging me to give in.

  I took my time kissing her as I drew a line down her spine with my fingertips. Her own fingers ran along the sides of my neck, down my shoulders, along my arms, and back up again. She gripped my biceps as she pressed against me, and I lost my self-control. I grasped her hips, and she wrapped her legs around my waist as I stood. I felt dizzy as the blood rushed to my temples with the jagged beat of my pulse. Her arms draped around my neck as she raked her teeth across my bottom lip, and a low growl escaped my throat. She was pushing my buttons, and I’d let her.

  I started to move toward her bedroom when I came to my senses. “Maggie,” I whispered against her lips as I halted in place.

  “It’s okay. I can be quiet.” Her grin made me chuckle, and I brought my lips to the crook of her neck.

  “I don’t doubt that, but I can’t stay… and I don’t like…” I swallowed down my fear and told her the truth, “…I don’t like leaving you. Not like that, not after I’ve made love to you. Being with you…” I kissed her once and then again, deliberately, until a quiet moan breathed from her lips, “…having you right next to me, where I can feel your skin on mine, your hands on my body, your scent filling my lungs, it’s how it should be. I can’t just get up and walk away from that… from you.”

  She pulled at her bottom lip with her teeth, and the heat in her cheeks grew as I let my eyes linger on her mouth. “Then stay, Ryan.”

  “What about—”

  She interrupted me with a short and eager kiss, and then smiled against the corner of my lips before she pulled away. “Just stay. I’ll make sure you get up in time for work. And Beth… let me worry about her, okay?”

  I nodded once before I answered her with a heated kiss that caused my pulse to quicken as her apple-cinnamon flavor engulfed me. Her hands tangled in my hair, and as I walked down the hall, Maggie’s body wrapped around mine like she was a part of me… two damaged souls. She couldn’t repair me if she tried, but she was taking me on as is… and as I shut the do
or behind us and laid her on the bed, I let myself fall.

  Fall for her.

  Fall into that infinite feeling.

  Fall in love.

  I’d been told once that two broken people didn’t make a whole, but I was okay with the outcome of our shattered pieces.

  She looked different. She’d dyed her hair a dark, washed-out brown. The rings around her eyes were deep and bruised with lack of sleep. As I approached the window, her form distorted through the wire that was built into the glass. She lifted her eyes, and when she saw me, her hand shook as she reached for the phone.

  Sarah watched me through the glass with pleading eyes. I saw the large, yellow envelope sitting in front of her, and on top of it sat a photo that had been flipped face side down. The ache in my gut grew. She didn’t visit… she was here with a purpose. I slowly lowered my body into the small plastic chair and picked up the phone.

  A few tears trickled from her eyes as she stared at me in silence.

  “Why are you here?” I asked, my voice was foreign, angry, wounded, and it made her lips shake with fear… sadness… I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t know this woman, this whore who sat in front of me with self-pity in her eyes. It had been three years since I’d been locked up, but seeing her, it was like time never passed. The wound she’d created still festered.

  “Your mom said you stopped accepting their letters, and you won’t let them visit,” her voice trembled, and the part of me that used to love her cringed. But then I remembered. I remembered why I was talking to my wife from behind bars.

  “Why are you here?” I repeated the question. I didn’t owe her an answer… I didn’t owe her a fucking thing.

  She sat up a little straighter and wiped her tears from her eyes, her lips set in an indignant line. “I brought divorce papers. All I need you to do is sign them.” She motioned to the guard.

  The guard took the packet from her hand. Before he walked to the door that separated the free from the damned, Sarah whispered something to him and handed him the photograph as well. I wanted to spit on the glass. I wanted to stand up, take this small chair and smash it against the window. I wanted to tell Sarah to go to hell and that I wished she were dead, but what was the point? It wouldn’t bring my daughter back, and it wouldn’t change anything. I’d just end up in solitary confinement, and I’d finally gotten out three days ago. The guard handed me the envelope and a pen then took watch behind me. I wanted the picture he held in his hand, but he hadn’t given it to me. Was it Belle?

  I laid the phone on the desk as I flipped through the pages. Her lawyer had flagged where I needed to sign. I didn’t give a shit what these papers said. She’d already taken the most valuable thing I had. It didn’t take me long, and when I lifted my eyes from the documents, Sarah’s lips parted in what looked like a sigh of relief.

  “Done,” I said and handed the paperwork to the guard.

  “The lady wanted you to have this.” He held out the picture for me to take.

  I almost laughed at the use of the word lady. If he only knew. I took the picture from his hand and, the minute my eyes fell to the black and white photo, my eyes burned with tears. My throat contracted painfully as I looked down on the glossy surface. Belle… she was just a newborn, her tiny head cradled in my hands, my forehead rested against hers, and our noses almost touched. I couldn’t look away as the emotion cut down my chest straight to my heart. A light tap on the glass grabbed my attention.

  Sarah’s cheeks were pale and were stained with tears. She pointed to the phone, and I picked it up off the desk. “I thought you should have that.” She was barely able to speak, and she held her hand against the glass.

  “Thank you.” My gaze slid to her palm, and my jaw clenched. “I can’t.” I was grateful for this photo, of this special piece of history that I held in my hands, but I couldn’t forgive her… I wouldn’t forgive her.

  “You’re not the only one who lost their daughter, Ryan.” She dropped her hand from the glass, and her eyes hardened. She stood, and her swollen belly protruded from her shirt like a slap in my fucking face.

  “Tell Paul I said hi.” I hung up the phone and stood. Our stare still locked, her hand rested on her belly, protecting her unborn child from the rage that spilled from my eyes.

  She shook her head and placed the phone on the receiver. I didn’t watch her leave. I brought my eyes down to the gift she’d given me. Sarah had brought me freedom today without even knowing it.

  The day Sarah brought me that picture was the last day I ever saw her. When I left Florida, I left everything behind, even the one and only photograph I had of Belle. I had to move on, find some way to live, or just find some way to die. I couldn’t bring her with me, I couldn’t live in that photograph anymore. I’d left it taped to my cell wall, along with the last piece of my heart. When that letter came in the mail from the Department of Corrections, I had a feeling what it contained, but I hadn’t been sure, and I hadn’t the will to even try and open it. But, Maggie… Maggie gave me something I never thought I’d have again. She’d given me hope, and I’d found the strength, the heart… to open it. As I held the faded picture between my thumb and finger, I finally realized the point. I finally realized it was okay to just enjoy it, to immerse myself in the memory instead of always mourning it.

  I pulled my wallet from my back pocket and placed the photo inside. The edges stuck out a bit, but I wasn’t worried because they’d already been bent from the wear of time. I should keep it somewhere safe, but for now, this would do. Even though I was trying my best to heal, I wasn’t ready to display my soul on the fridge with a magnet. The loss of a child never went away; it ripped you to shreds. If you were lucky you might find all the jagged edges, and then maybe have the chance to hold them all together again. Maggie was my chance.

  Maggie had asked me to watch Beth overnight because she had to work and Cornelia was out of town. Three weeks had passed since Beth’s birthday, and every day and night Maggie had off was spent together. My headaches seemed to be getting worse because of it, my lack of sleep was starting to show, and it was getting harder to get up every morning. I used to do all the prep for the next day after the diner shut down at night, but now, I started coming to work an hour earlier to get it finished. The fatigue was a welcomed side effect, though. Waking up next to her, spending my nights with her, inside her, kissing her, loving her, it made every yawn, every ache of my muscle, every headache insignificant.

  I grabbed some Ibuprofen, threw it into my mouth, and swallowed it down before I grabbed my keys and bag. I had about twenty minutes before I needed to be there, and I wanted to make sure Tony had everything under control before I left. December was starting off cold as hell, and I ran to my truck to start it before I headed into the diner. I loved this piece of junk; it was mine, and it had been my hands that brought it back to life. The engine sputtered, and I flipped the heat all the way to the red before I jumped out and ran to the front door of the diner.

  Each breath was an icy knife to my lungs, and by the time I’d made my way into Red’s I was out of breath. “Shit,” I said with a wheeze. My cough was dry, and my hands were on my knees as I tried to suck down the air I needed.

  Tony laughed from behind the counter. “You gonna make it, son?”

  These late nights were really starting to get to me. I nodded my head just as another cough erupted from my chest.

  “For a man of your size and all that muscle, you sure are out of shape.” Tony walked out from behind the counter with a smirk. “Maggie making you soft?” He smacked me on the back as I stood.

  I laughed. “I just need to sleep… or a vacation from this grease pit.” I grinned at his frown. “I’m kidding.”

  He watched me for a minute and then nodded his head. “You’re right. I need to hire more help. Officer Evans’ brother Collin was in here the other day, needs a job to get himself a car. I told him I’d think on it.”

  “You don’t have to do that. You can hardly—”r />
  “I can afford it, and it’s too much for you, Ryan. You’re finally looking like a real man, and if it means I have to hire the kid to keep you sane, I will.” He held up his hand just as I was about to argue. “He can cook for our meager dinner rush and do the next day’s prep for minimum wage. He wants a job, I’ll give him a job, then your nights are free to do as you wish. And as far as I’m concerned, you should be filling your nights making that special girl smile.” His lips split into a triumphant grin.

  “I want less pay then.” I wouldn’t let him win so easily. Having more time to myself… more time with Maggie and Beth was exactly what I wanted, but I wouldn’t let this stubborn old man drain his pockets for me.

  “You’re a damn pain in my ass. Ryan, I don’t even pay you minimum wage.”

  “You give me a place to sleep… utilities and—”

  “It’s done. Take it or leave it.” He folded his arms across his chest, and I chuckled.

  “You can afford this?” My right eyebrow lifted in disbelief.

  “Everything has a way of working out. Don’t worry about me. Trust me… I’ve got enough money.” He relaxed his arms and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Now, go grab some of those apple tarts you made and get over to Maggie’s before you make her late.”

  “Tate’s little brother?” I smiled. “He’s what, seventeen? He might be more trouble than you think.” I laughed and moved toward the kitchen.

  “I think it’s good for the kid, teach him his way around a dollar bill.”

  “I’ll make sure he knows how to do everything just like you want before I set him on his own.” I held open the kitchen door and hesitated.

  “I know you will.” Tony’s smile reached his eyes.

  “Nights off… this could be good.” My lips pulled into a slow grin as all the possibilities started to add up in my head.