Watch Me Walk Away

by Jill Prand

  I look up at the building and wonder which floor Bobby is on. Maybe I’ll ask Debbie. I start to turn away and head toward Starbucks when I hear, “Now who’s stalking who?”

  Damn, damn, double damn! I turn back around, “Not stalking, just looking at a landmark. I am meeting Deb for coffee down the block.”

  Shit! I should have just kept walking and ignored him. He looks like he is just getting back from the gym, all sweaty and hot. Looking at him my temperature just shot up a few degrees. I need to get out of here fast!

  “Deb didn’t tell me you were meeting. When did the two of you decide this?” he asks.

  So Deb didn’t tell him, so what? Does she have to clear everything she does with him? “We discussed it last night and finalized it this morning,” I say. “We didn’t get to catch up much and I know they’re leaving soon.” I make it sound like it was my idea, why I’m not sure but Deb obviously doesn’t want him to know. “Stuart’s place is right across the park so this was convenient before I head home.”

  He lifts an eyebrow and looks like he is trying to figure this out. I know he is wondering if I am pumping Deb for info on him.

  “We haven’t had a chance to sit and talk in years and I don’t plan on going to Texas anytime soon so this is a good time,” I say looking at the time on my phone. “I’m going to be late. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” God, now I sound like I am begging him to call me.

  “Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says. I start to walk away again when he grabs my hand, “I’d like to catch up too you know.” He is looking at me like a puppy that just lost his favorite bone. All I want to put my arms around him and hold him.

  I squeeze his hand and say, “That’s what we’ll do at lunch right?” He nods and releases my hand. I start walking towards Starbucks again but can’t help glancing back. He is standing there watching me walk away.

  When I get to Starbucks I look back again and he is gone. Into his building I assume. I walk in and look for Debbie where I see her sitting at a table in the back. She waves me back but I need some caffeine before I sit and I get in line. I call out to her, “Do you want anything?” She shakes her head.

  Luckily for me the line is short so I get my skinny cappuccino pretty quick. I sit down at the table and Debbie looks worried about something. “Hey girl, what’s up?” I ask.

  “I don’t have a lot of time,” she says. “I want to get back before Bobby gets back from the gym.”

  “Well that’s not gonna happen,” I say. “I just ran into him on the street. I told him we were having coffee but I made it seem like it was my idea to catch up.”

  Her shoulders sag. “Shit, I didn’t want him to know I was meeting you,” she says.

  “Why?” I ask.

  “Look Bobby and Jimmy are still pretty tight. They talk almost every day on the phone. I don’t want Bobby thinking I’m talking out of turn.”

  “What’s the big deal?” I ask. “We’re just two old friends catching up. It’s not like he’s going to be the focal point of this conversation. Right?”

  “Well actually he is,” she says. “I wanted to explain a few things to you.” She’s wringing her hands together so I know she’s upset about something. What could she possibly explain to me? Why he left me? How he got his money? I already heard that story from Jodi.

  “I don’t get it, Deb,” I say. “What do I need to know?”

  “You need to understand that Bobby never got over you. He hasn’t had a lasting relationship since he left for the army. Nothing more than a month at a time and other than that just one night stands.” She looks me in the eye and says, “He’s still in love with you.”

  I start to push my chair back and say, “No way. He is the one who couldn’t even pick up a phone or a pen to contact me after he left. He never once got in touch with me. Then at that New Year’s Eve party he was all over me until he found out I was still a virgin and then he stopped like I had grown three heads! He doesn’t love me, he never did.”

  She grabs my hand to keep me from getting up. “You’re wrong. You are the only one he ever loved. Do you know what he did in the Army?” I shake my head. “He was special forces. He was in Iraq most of the time and he saw a lot of action. I don’t know the specifics because Jimmy would never tell me, other than that he was always worried that Bobby wouldn’t get home alive.”

  “He had just gotten assigned right before he came home that year,” she says. “Bobby didn’t want you to have to live with the worry or the guilt if he didn’t make it. He told Jimmy that he just wanted to see you one more time before he went, in case he didn’t make it back. He wanted a memory to get him through the hard times.”

  Tears are running down my cheeks. Why didn’t he tell me? Was that why it felt like he was desperate for me that night? He loved me? This was too much to take. “Why now, Deb? Why tell me all of this now and not when it might have made a difference? Was it too much to ask that my friends clue me in to what was going on? You know how I felt about him. You know what a basket case I was after that night. Why not explain then?” I ask.

  “He swore Jimmy to secrecy and Jimmy made me swear to him that I wouldn’t tell you. Neither one of them was supposed to know I was meeting you today. Bobby still doesn’t want you to know. At least until he is ready to tell you,” she says.

  “But why? He has to know it would have made a difference. I would have waited for him. I loved him. I’ve never felt that for anyone else,” I am still crying. “I was accepted at NYU, I would have stayed close to be with him when he got out. I don’t understand.”

  “That’s why he did it, Lisa. He didn’t want you to wait. He wanted you to live your life and have a chance to love someone else. He did it for you,” she says. “Look, I know this is a lot to take in and a short amount of time to do it. I just wanted you to know that he would move heaven and earth for you. He will always have your back and you will always have his heart. He has been keeping tabs on you the whole time. He knows everything about you. He was at your father’s funeral last year even though you didn’t see him.”

  I remember that day. My father and I weren’t close. He was an alcoholic and abusive to me and my mother when he lived with us. His last wife barely even spoke to me at the funeral. I think she was a little put out that I got more sympathy then she did from his friends. I remember seeing someone standing a ways away at the cemetery and wondering who it was. I thought maybe it was one of Dad’s drinking buddies that didn’t want to deal with the guilt of knowing he helped put my father in his grave with all the drinking. But it was Bobby. He just stood there watching never coming to say anything. God I wish he would have come over. I really could have used his strength that day.

  “I saw him. I didn’t know it was him but I saw him,” I tell Debbie. “So what am I supposed to do now? I am with Stuart at the moment. I don’t know where that is going but do I leave him in the off chance that Bobby wants me this time?”

  “He never stopped wanting you, Lisa,” she says. “I don’t know what you should do but I just wanted you to have all the facts. I want you to be able to make the best decision for you. You couldn’t do that if you didn’t know. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. Jimmy and I fought about it a lot and I am probably in for a huge blow-up when we get back to Texas.”

  She stands up, “I have to get back. Our plane leaves in a couple of hours and if I don’t get back soon then Jimmy will come looking for me. Especially since he now knows where I am.”

  I stand up and give her a hug, “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have jumped all over you for keeping all this from me. It wasn’t your decision and I wish you and Jimmy weren’t in the middle. Thank you and him for being such good friends and I wish we really did have time to catch up. Maybe I’ll get lucky and land a client who headquarters in Texas and I’ll be able to visit.”

  “That would be great. I will call you in a couple of days to see how you’re doing, Okay?” she asks.

&nb
sp; I nod my head, “Yeah that would be great.”

  She walks away and I sit back down. What do I do now? I feel like my heart just got ripped open again. Bobby loves me. He’s always loved me. He’s been looking out for me. It’s just too much to handle. I stand up and leave.

  Chapter Eight

  I hail a cab to Penn Station and get on a train to go home. All the while thinking about everything Debbie said. What do I do?

  I get about half way home when I remember I was supposed to call Stuart after I left Debbie. He’s going to be pissed. I text him:

  Sorry caught a train home. I’m not feeling well. I will call you later. XOXO

  As I push send I feel like a shit. Stuart was really great this morning and all he wanted was to spend more time with me. Now I blow him off with my ex rattling around in my every thought.

  You should have come back here. I would have taken care of you. Please call me. XO

  I don’t think Stuart can take care of this one. I need a couple of days to myself to figure out what I want. Maybe Jodi can help. I wonder how much she knows and if she’ll tell me if she does. How many of my friends knew what was going on?

  This is getting me nowhere and I can’t take it out on my friends even if they did know. I will talk to Jodi when I get home and we will figure out my next move. Bobby is calling me Monday to set up a lunch date. I have to have my shit together by then. I try to relax for the rest of the ride and end up falling asleep. Luckily my stop is last so I have no other choice than to get up. I make my way to my car and once I’m inside I break down into tears.

  I cry for almost ten minutes before I can make myself stop. I start my car and drive to Jodi’s house. I sit there in the driveway for a few minutes. Luckily John is not here and I will be able to talk to Jodi alone. I am not ready to deal with anyone else.

  I walk in the door and Jodi takes one look at me and knows there’s something wrong. “What happened?” she asks. “Did Stuart do something to you?”

  “No it’s not Stuart,” I say. “I need a drink and then we have a lot of talking to do.” I walk to the kitchen and grab a glass of wine. I lean on the counter trying to figure out where to start. I turn to the sink and throw some cold water on my face.

  I take a deep breath and walk out to sit on the couch. “Did you know that Bobby was in the Special Forces in the Army?”

  “I found out after he got home,” she says. “John knew but it was some kind of big secret. Jimmy knew of course and Joe I think but other than that I don’t think anyone else knew until he came home. He got a write up in Newsday, returning hero gets hurt and all that.”

  “Wait, he was hurt? How hurt?” I stand up and start pacing.

  “He was hospitalized for over a month in Germany before he came home. I don’t know all the details but he was in a coma for a while and he was shot in the chest. John said it was touch and go in the beginning but by the time he got home he looked okay just a little stiff.” She watches me for about a minute then stands up in front of me. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you had finally seemed to have gotten over him and I didn’t want you to get sucked back in.”

  I fall into her arms and start crying again. She helps me back to the couch and she holds me until I am just sniffling. “Debbie said he still loves me and that the only reason he never got in touch with me was because he didn’t think he was coming back. He didn’t want me waiting for him and worrying.”

  I sit up and look at her, “Did you know he was at my Dad’s funeral?” She shakes her head. “I think I saw him, he was standing far enough away that I never would have known it was him. He stood on the cemetery the whole time just watching, he was still standing there when I got back into the car.”

  “According to Deb he has been keeping tabs on me the whole time. He got back and then lost his parents in that freak accident and he did it all alone.” I take a long drink of wine. “I don’t know what to do, Jodes. I feel like my heart has been ripped open again. And I’m with Stuart now, who I blew off today because I was so preoccupied after talking to Deb that I just hopped a cab to the train. I was half way home before I realized I had promised him I would call him and maybe come back. And on top of it all, Bobby is calling me on Monday because he wants to do lunch to catch up. How do I face him? Debbie made me promise I wouldn’t let him know that she told me anything. How do I sit across from him and not let it show I know? You know he can read me like a book. He will take one look at me and know.”

  “Then there’s Stuart. We had sex last night. Bad sex but sex none the less. What do I do about him? He’s a nice guy and we might be good together eventually. Do I throw him away, because according to Deb, Bobby still loves me?” I run my hands through my hair. I start twirling an end with my hand. “I need to call Stuart soon. I texted him on the train saying I wasn’t feeling well. He was expecting to try and make up for our less than stellar start to sex. He has been after me for almost a year and when I am finally with him my head is all taken up with someone else.”

  She turns me so I am looking at her. “How bad was the sex?” She smiles and tilts her head.

  I laugh. “He got off. I finished in the shower after he fell asleep. And of course the shower featured a fantasy about Bobby.”

  “Well you know what, I think you have done enough soul searching for the moment. You need a real drink and John did say he was taking us out tonight. So go wash your face and change your clothes, make yourself presentable and we will grab something to eat and get my guy to get us drunk.” She stands and pulls me up and pushes me towards my room.

  I turn around as I get to my door, “Can we go to the Wharf? I really need a tea and they make the best on the island.”

  “Sure if you want to relive our underage drinking who am I to say no? I will call John and set it up. He is DD tonight so you and I are ordering a pitcher or three.” She grabs the phone, “Go on get dressed.”

  Yeah a pitcher of Long Island iced tea is just what I need. I haven’t been to the Wharf for almost five years. Jodi and I had our first iced teas there when we were sixteen or seventeen. If our parents ever knew we were regulars down there they probably would have grounded us for life. I wonder if Tom is still behind the bar, I hope so, his teas were the best.

  I take a shower and do my hair and makeup. I put on skinny jeans and a tank top with a billowy see through top over it. Then I bite the bullet and call Stuart.

  “Hey how are you feeling?” he asks.

  “Better thanks. I took a nap and just got up,” I lie. I can’t tell him what happened, how would I even start? “What are you up to?”

  “I’m about to go out to watch a game with Scott and Keith.” They are co-workers of his that he socializes with. “I can be late if you want to talk.”

  “No you go and have fun. Jodi and I are going to pick up something to eat then we were thinking about a movie. I’ll call you tomorrow, have fun.”

  “You too, I’m glad you feel better I was worried about you. Tell Jodi she needs to take good care of my girl,” he laughs.

  “I will relay the message,” I snicker. “Good night.”

  “Good night, baby,” he says and then hangs up. Ugh what is it with guys calling me baby. I will have to put a stop to that.

  God that was awkward I really hate lying. I don’t think he thought anything of it. Stuart is the kind of guy that takes things at face value. He doesn’t really ask that many personal questions, he will listen when I talk and he comments but never really digs into anything. We have never had a deep discussion on anything that I didn’t bring up.

  Can I really see myself with him in the long term? I don’t think so. He is a here and now boyfriend I could not see ever marrying him. He is not who I would want for the father of my children. Maybe I should just make it a clean break now before he gets more invested.

  I am not going to think about this now. I am not sure how many of these feelings are real and how much is because of the things I learned this morning.

/>   I grab my bag and head out to the living room. Jodi is sitting and watching the news. “Ready?” she asks.

  “Yup, let’s go.” I grab a jacket and start for the door. “Where are we going to eat?”

  “I was thinking Sayville Pizza?” she says.

  Yum. “Good choice. Is John meeting us there?”

  “No we are going to meet him back here after and he is driving the rest of the night,” she says following me out the door.

  Chapter Nine

  The pizza was great! There are few places that can make me feel like I am home and Sayville Pizza was one of them. My mom and I got pizza from there almost every Friday night after my father left. I still think of Friday’s as pizza night.

  We dropped our car back at our place and are riding in John’s car on our way to the Wharf. “So are the two of you just going to drink all night and leave me to carry you both back home?”

  Jodi turns and looks at me and we say at the same time, “Damn Skippy.”

  “We promise not to throw up in the car, but other than that we cannot be held responsible for anything that comes out of our mouths tonight. I am planning to drink until I can’t think anymore,” I say.

  “Do I want to know what brought this on?” he asks.

  “Probably not but I have a feeling that once we get through our first pitcher of tea I will probably tell you anyway,” I say.

  “Well as long as it doesn’t involve me beating anyone up for you I will be happy to listen.” He looks at me through the rearview mirror. I think he knows who has put me in this mood but John is the type of friend that will wait until you bring a problem to him. He doesn’t press if you are not ready to talk. What he doesn’t realize is that I know a lot more than he thinks I do.