Whiskey Lullaby

by Dawn Martens

  I walk into my apartment and throw my keys across the room. They hit the picture of Julie and me that’s hanging on the wall. It falls and the glass breaks. Shit! I walk over and pick it up. I look at it and remember the day it was taken. We had just moved in together. We were so fucking happy. Why did I have to screw up so badly?

  But I am not the only one who has made mistakes. Yes, I cheated on her. I get it; I really do. I hurt her, but do I really deserve to lose my children because of it? I sit on my couch itching to grab the bottle of whiskey, but I don’t. I’m supposed to pick up Jenny tonight, and I would never drink with my daughter around.

  I know it makes me look like a coward, but I’m still so fucking pissed at Julie that I can’t even go to her house. I end up calling Matty and ask him to go and pick up Jenny for me. I know if I go over there, that I will say something shitty and end up hating myself for it later on. I don’t want to do that, because I am going to have Julie back someday. It just doesn’t look like it will be any day soon.

  ******

  Julie

  Jase leaves and I feel sick all over again. Bec is still in the bathroom when I rush back in to empty my stomach. She hands me some paper towels quietly. “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry, Julie,” she says. I look over at her and she’s crying.

  “Why though, Bec? You were my best friend. Why did you have to do that to me?”

  “I can’t explain it. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “Then why the bitch act when I came back?” I say, not believing she’s sincere.

  “Let’s just say, Brittany rubs off on a person,” she says shaking her head.

  I stand up, flush the toilet, head over to the sink and finish cleaning up again. “How could you become friends with her anyway? You’ve hated her as much as Kristen and I ever did.”

  “After I screwed everything up with you two, I was alone. I needed a friend, and she was there. Two messed up souls, we just clicked. Although, half the time, I still hate her.”

  I just shake my head. I want so badly to reach over to Bec and hug her, but I’m still hurt by what she did. “I have to get back to work,” I say as I walk out.

  The day ends and I head home. A few minutes later, Matty shows up. “Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask him.

  Matty looks uncomfortable. “Um, Jase was hoping I could pick up Jenny and bring her over to him for a bit.”

  “Oh, um, yeah, okay.” I yell out for Jenny and tell her to get ready to go her to Daddy’s. I then lead Matty to the kitchen and grab him a glass of tea. We both sit down at the table. He’s not talking and I am starting to get uncomfortable. I can tell that Jase told him what happened, and he’s upset with me. “Just lay it on me.”

  He looks at me, and I can see pain in his eyes. “Please tell me that you weren’t going to run away this time.”

  “No!” I say through clenched teeth.

  “Then, why didn’t you tell him?”

  I’m saved from answering Matty’s question by Jenny coming into the room. She‘s excited to see her Daddy. She has Matty out the door before I even get a chance to say goodbye.

  “Make sure to remind your daddy about your birthday party this weekend,” I holler out the door. I watch them until the truck is out of sight, then I head to the living room and lay on the couch. I start to think about all the things that I should have said to Jase, but I am so tired that within minutes, I am out.

  Chapter 14

  Jase

  ‘I’m here!” Jenny shouts as she runs through the door. She comes right to me and throws herself in my arms. I hold her close and instantly feel better. Having her here is just what I need. Matty comes in the door a minute later. He’s carrying a pizza in one hand and some Disney DVDs in the other.

  “Your daughter made me stop off to get pizza and hit the Red Box,” he says as he places the pizza box on the table. “I didn’t mind stopping to get this stuff, but I am not going to watch Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure, so I’m out of here.”

  I laugh and nod my head. I understand completely. I wouldn’t watch this shit either if it wasn’t for Jenny, but I’ll do anything to make her happy. If she wants to watch crappy movies, we will watch crappy movies.

  After Matty leaves, I grab us a couple of sodas and paper plates. Then, Sweet Pea and me veg out in front of the TV. We are about halfway through the first movie when Jenny turns to me. “Why is Momma mad at you? Did you kiss another girl again?”

  I just stare at her for minute. Fuck, it’s hard being a parent. “It’s complicated, and it’s kind of personal. Just between me and your momma.”

  “That’s what Momma said. Not the personal stuff, but that it’s complicated. I think being a grown up is stinky. Everything is complicated.” She stops and looks at me. “I don’t know why you just don’t write her a note and ask if she likes you. That’s what Logan did to me yesterday.”

  Oh, hell no! “Some boy’s writing you notes?”

  “Logan writes me a note almost every day, but yesterday, he asked if I liked him. He wants to know if I want him for a boyfriend, but I don’t. All the girls give their boyfriends their cookie at lunch. No one’s getting my cookie,” she says, stuffing another bite of pizza in her mouth.

  I can’t keep from chuckling at her words. “Good, you keep it that way. Boys are bad news.”

  I give her a quick kiss on the top of her head and finish eating my pizza. As soon as I’m done, I spread out on the couch and pull Jenny in front of me. Within a few minutes, she’s out. I follow closely behind.

  ******

  I’m birthday shopping for my Sweet Pea. Her birthday party is tomorrow. I was happy as hell when Pop told me Julie said I could come, but I would have been there anyway. I haven’t talked to Julie in days, and I’m still mad as hell. I walk up and down the aisles, but I don’t know what to get her. I have no idea what to buy a nine-year-old little girl, but I’m determined to pick out the best present ever. I make my way through the toy section looking at every doll they have. I pick up one with pink hair to take a closer look.

  “Don’t get her a doll. She’ll just stick it in her room and forget about it. She only plays with Lulu.” I look over and Kristen is standing right beside me.

  “You’re probably right,” I agree and stick the doll back on the shelf. “Any ideas?” I ask.

  “Yeah, follow me.” She leads me to the craft section and we head straight to the glittery shit. “Just load your basket up. You can’t go wrong. Jenny is just like Julie. She can spend hours working on this stuff.” She shakes her head. “You should see my apartment. It’s full of all this crap. I like it, but it’s definitely not my style. When she makes me something, I just can’t throw it away, though.”

  I smile and think of all the stuff hanging around my place. “Me neither. I’m probably the only guy in the world that has a hot pink unicorn hanging on his living room wall,” I say with a laugh.

  Kristen reaches out and touches my arm. “Thank you for being such a good dad to her. Jenny really needs it. Julie did her best to shield her from everything that was going on with Dean, but it still bothered Jenny.”

  “Did he hurt Jenny too?” I ask the question that has been on my mind since the day I heard about Julie being in the hospital.

  “Hell no! If that bastard ever laid a hand on Jenny, he’d be dead now,” Kristen says in a near shout. “Julie only stayed to protect her family and yours. She was afraid that if she told anyone what was going on, that one of you would end up in jail. But she would’ve never let him hurt Jenny. She’d have killed him herself.”

  I let out a slow breath. “Julie’s right. I would be in prison now if I had known. I swear I want to go kill him now, but I know it won’t do any good. I’d just lose Jenny and the new baby.”

  “New baby? What new baby? What in the fuck are you talking about?” Kristen is screaming now. “Julie’s pregnant? When the fuck did this happen?”

  Oh fuck! I just assumed Julie had told her by now. “Shi
t, Kristen. I thought you knew.”

  “You couldn’t leave her alone, could you? You just had to fuck up her life up again, didn’t you?”

  What the hell? “I don’t think of Julie having another baby as a fuck up.”

  “I’m sure you don’t. You weren’t around to watch her fall apart. You weren’t there to see her struggle just to buy damn diapers,” Kristen says with a sneer.

  “I wasn’t given a chance to be, was I? But I will be there for everything this time, so don’t you fucking worry about it!” I shout back and walk away.

  Chapter 15

  Julie

  "Pull it up a little more on the right," Bethany orders and takes a drink of her beer.

  I shake my head at her and try to raise the princess birthday banner a little more. "You just said to bring it down."

  "You brought it down too much, but it looks good now," she says with a smile.

  I look around our house and smile back at her. "It looks like the Disney store exploded in here."

  "It's cute, and Jenny will love it. I know I do," Bethany says with a giggle.

  I nod my head in agreement and grab the next bag of decorations. “You know you can’t be drunk when all the little girls get here.”

  Bethany nods and giggles again. I just laugh at her and walk to the kitchen. I'm just about to sprinkle sparkle confetti on the table when I hear the front door open. I look up as Kristen walks into the kitchen.

  "When were you going to tell me?" she asks, sounding more like a bitch than my friend.

  "What are you talking about?" I ask, even though I have a pretty good idea what she’s talking about.

  "About you being pregnant!" she screams. “What the fuck were you thinking?"

  I take a moment to consider my options and decide to return her bitchy attitude. "Definitely not about getting pregnant."

  "Pregnant? Who's pregnant?" Aunt Angie says as she walks through the door.

  Kristen crosses her arms over her chest and nods her head at me.

  "Julie Anne Walker! How did this happen?" Angie says with a gasp.

  "The usual way?" Bethany says then burps. She instantly covers her mouth and starts to giggle.

  We all look at her and notice the nearly empty bottle of beer in her hand. Bethany has never held her alcohol well, and beer is the worst. It makes her mouthy and very giggly.

  "You gave her beer? You know how she gets." Kristen rolls her eyes, shaking her head. I look at Kristen like she's crazy. "No way. She got it herself. She's says she's trying to loosen up a little."

  Angie looks at Kristen and shakes her head. "Who cares about little Miss Bethany being drunk? I want to talk about Julie being pregnant," she finishes, staring straight at me.

  "It was an accident. I was taking birth control, but I missed a few pills when I was in the hospital. The doctor said that it can take up to two cycles for the pills to be effective after missing some," I say and add a shrug.

  Kristen snorts. "What? Your panties accidentally fell off? Then you accidentally landed on Jase's dick?"

  "Watch your mouth," Angie says as she reaches over and smacks Kristen in the back of the head. "Thank our sweet Lord that Jase is the dad."

  "What?" Kristen and I ask at the same time. I didn’t even think about that. Could Dean be the father? He did rape me the night he put me in the hospital. He always did after a beating. He said that it wasn’t rape though; he was my husband, and my body was his. I can feel the bile rise to back of my throat, just thinking of all the times he forced himself onto my abused body. Shit. There’s a chance the baby is his. How could I have not considered this before?

  "Pinch poke, you owe each other a coke," Bethany says with another giggle.

  "Would you shut your drunk ass up?" Kristen says and runs to the other side of the room before Angie can hit her again.

  Angie blows out a frustrated breath. "Look at the way Jase treats Jenny. Even though we all doubted him, he is an amazing father. I'm glad that this new baby will have him as his or her Daddy."

  Everyone is quiet for a moment. Bethany then says the first intelligent thing that has come out of her mouth since she started drinking. "I'm just ecstatic that it isn't Dean's."

  When the words come out of her mouth, I don’t say a word. I look down, slump onto the chair, putting my head into my hands.

  “It isn’t Dean’s is it?” Aunt Angie asks.

  “I don’t think so, but there is a possibility,” I say quietly.

  Kristen comes over to me and wraps me in her arms. “Have you had an ultra sound yet to determine your dates?”

  “No, I have my first one Monday.”

  “Then there’s no point in worrying about it just yet. We’ll worry when the time comes,” she says and hugs me a little tighter.

  The conversation dies down, but I continue to think about Aunt Angie and Bethany's words. They’re right, and I know what I need to do. I haven’t talked to Jase since he showed up at the office over a month ago. I didn’t mean for him to find out like that. It's time I talk to Jase. It's time to apologize.

  ******

  Uncle Mack showed up with Jenny thirty minutes ago. Bethany was right; Jenny loved all the decorations. She squealed and jumped up and down when she saw everything. She completely ignored her presents and ran right for the princess crown centerpiece. I tried to explain that it was just another decoration and that she was supposed to wear the paper party hats, but she refused. So now, she is wearing her crown and her friends are wearing the party hats.

  Jenny keeps looking around, and she looks a little sad. I know she is watching for Jase. I'm not sure where he is, but I'm going to be pissed if he doesn't show up. I wait another few minutes and grab my phone. I'm about to call him when the door opens and Jase walks in. He's carrying two extra full gift bags.

  "Daddy!" Jenny screams and runs right to him. She wraps herself around his legs, and Jase sits the bags down to pick her up.

  "You're late. Where were you?" she asks.

  "I'm sorry, Sweet Pea. I had a flat tire. I tried to call, but no one answered." I look down at my phone, and there are three missed calls from Jase. I forgot that I turned the ringer off after Dean’s last call. He didn’t say anything again, but I still know it was him.

  The party moves to the backyard. Pop rented Jenny one of those big bouncy castles. She and all her friends are having a great time, bouncing away. Everyone seems to be having fun, so I decide to try to talk to Jase. I walk over to him and tap him on the arm. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

  He looks toward Jenny then back at me. He nods his head and I lead him to my bedroom. As soon as we walk through the door, he crosses his arms and looks at me. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  I look at the floor, too nervous to look in his eyes. "I had only known for about a week. I hadn't told anyone but Bethany. I only told her because I needed someone to buy the pregnancy test." I take a deep breath and continue. "I was still trying to wrap my head around it. I was scared. But I was going to tell you. I just wasn't ready."

  "Are you sure you weren’t planning on running again? Maybe you are thinking about keeping this one to yourself too?"

  His words feel like a slap. I look up at him. He’s smiling at me in a way that says he knows that he’s being an ass. "No! It never even crossed my mind."

  He walks over to the window and looks out at Jenny and her friends playing. "Every time I think about the years I've missed with her, I want to hate you." He's silent for a moment, then turns to look at me. "Why the fuck can't I hate you?"

  I shake my head sadly. "I don't know. Why can't I hate you?"

  We stand there silently for a moment, looking at each other. "I love you, Julie, but this shit has to stop. We have to figure out how to get past it. Jenny deserves to have parents that are not at each other’s throats all the time. I want to be with you, but you need to decide what you want."

  I can't look at him anymore, so I look down. But I do nod in agreement.

  He wal
ks past me, but stops when he reaches the door. "I'll work on my shit. You do the same. Let me know when you want to talk again."

  “Wait,” I whisper. “I need to tell you something.”

  He turns around and crosses his arms again. He lifts his chin for me to go on, but I’m not sure how to tell him. I finally take a deep breath and just say it. “Dean raped me right before he put me in the hospital. There’s a slim chance this baby could be his. I doubt it because I took birth control the entire time we were together, but I can’t be sure because I haven’t had a period since before he beat me the last time. I’m having an ultrasound Monday, and I’ll know for sure then.”

  Jase doesn’t even give me a chance to finish, before he races past me to the bathroom. I can hear him throwing up, and I start to cry. I crawl into the bed and pull my legs up to my stomach. I am still lying here when Jase comes back into the room. He sits on the bed and lays his hand on my hip.

  “This is my baby. I don’t give a fuck who fathered it. I am going to be its Daddy.” He leans down and places a soft kiss on my forehead then gets up and leaves the room.

  *****

  Jase

  Julie hasn’t come back down to the party, but Jenny is too busy with her friends to even notice. Kristen, Bethany and Angie keep going upstairs to check on her. All three women look concerned. I want to ask if Julie’s okay, but I don’t have the balls to. I’m afraid they may mention that son of a bitch’s name, and I can’t think about him right now. I’m too fucking angry.

  Parents start showing up and the party starts to die down. I help clean up, and then I climb into the bouncy castle where Jenny is still playing. But she’s not playing anymore. She is curled in a little ball in the corner, sound asleep. I make my way to her and pick her up. Slowly, I crawl out and take her to her room. As soon as I lay her down, she opens her eyes. “This was my best birthday ever.”

  “I’m glad, Sweet Pea.”

  “It was so good, ‘cause you were here. You are the best Daddy in the whole world.” She’s out as soon as the last word leaves her mouth. I bend down and give her a kiss on the cheek then leave the room. As I step out in the hallway, I see Kristen and Matty standing down the hall. I know that they are waiting for me.