An Inconvenient Marriage

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  “Here’s the bag for the food,” Luke said as he handed the large leather bag to him.

  “I’ll take that.” She took it and put it behind her.

  “You can’t do that,” Jeremiah protested.

  “Why not?”

  “It defeats the whole purpose of this trip.”

  “No, it doesn’t. We’re still going to get caviar.”

  He suddenly smiled. “That’s right. And you can’t hold the food in a sack between you and him on the way back.”

  She held her hand out to Jake. “The sooner we go, the sooner you can come back and take another bath. Then we’ll let them have it.”

  He did enjoy the fact that she was willing to play along with his scheme. He took her hand and put his foot in the stirrup. He didn’t get on Bossy the first time but he succeeded in his second attempt. He struggled to find adequate balance and finally settled into a comfortable position.

  “Now you two don’t have to hurry back on our account,” Trevor called out as Sue urged the horse forward.

  Startled by the sudden movement, Jake quickly wrapped his arms around Sue’s waist and held onto her tightly.

  “I can hardly breathe,” she told him.

  “I can’t loosen my grip yet,” he whispered. He had to overcome his initial shock of being on the horse. It wasn’t easy to adjust to the way the animal moved under him. He missed the buggies and trains which were predictable.

  “Alright. Just move with the animal. Don’t fight her.”

  “Listen to Sue,” Jeremiah called out. “She knows what she’s talking about.”

  He was too worried about not falling off the horse to concern himself with her brothers’ comments. He hated riding horses.

  Sue nudged the horse and it picked up the pace. She led Bossy out along the open field until they reached the side of the dirt road. She rode along the grass so Bossy wouldn’t kick dirt up into the air.

  “Can’t you slow down?” he asked.

  “Not unless you want to get back to the farm after lunch. You want to surprise them at lunch, right?”

  “Yes. I do want them to be hungry.”

  “You’re doing great, Jake. It’s not easy to ride Bossy. You’re giving my brothers some stiff competition. I think they like the challenge you present them with.”

  Her compliment took his mind off of his fears. “Thank you for not saying anything back there about my discomfort over riding Bossy.”

  “I want to see you win. They need someone to show them a thing or two.”

  He grinned. “And you think I can do that.”

  “I saw the way you ate those Rocky Mountain oysters. You’re not one to back down. I was impressed.”

  He was pleased to know that. It was fun to have someone rooting for him. Halfway to town, he was able to relax enough so that he wasn’t holding her so tightly that she had a hard time breathing.

  “We’ll get there soon,” she said. “You have to tell me where Henry lives.”

  He gave her the directions.

  She turned her horse so that it went north. “If we cut through these trees over here, we can cut our time by half.”

  “So you grew up riding horses?”

  “Yes. They’re almost like my second pair of legs. Once you get used to riding them, they’re not so intimidating. Bossy may seem mean but she’s actually got a soft heart. She might have bucked you off a couple of times but she’d never step on you. You’re safer with her than with Trouble or Double Trouble. Those horses will run you down if you get in their path by mistake. Bossy always makes sure to check if someone is near her.”

  “I’ll be sure to never let your brothers talk me into riding one of their horses.”

  “No, I think they had enough fun with you when it came to the horses. Next, they will want to either get you into the pig pen or lasso up some cattle. You should ride Emma Lou for that. She’s great with going slower and giving the rider time to swing the rope.”

  He cringed. None of those activities sounded very fun to him but he knew he would do it to go along with her brothers. “What did I get myself into when I married you?”

  She laughed. “They may have their plans to mess with you but they’re loyal to the death. If you ever get into trouble, they’ll move heaven and earth to bail you out.”

  “I’m not likely to get in trouble, but it’s nice to be surrounded by people that care.”

  By the time they got to Henry’s house, it was mid-morning. Henry was surprised to see him but agreed to take him to town. Sue’s warning had proven true. His suit was crumpled up so he had to go to the backdoor of his house and change. Horses were dirty animals. He shuddered as he contemplated riding Emma Lou and trying to rope cattle. He went to the restaurant and got caviar, crackers and a bucket of ice to keep the caviar fresh. When he returned to Henry’s house, Sue was having a good conversation with Henry’s wife and children. He marveled that the same woman who could barge into a bank and disrupt business or run through a church right before a wedding and threaten the poor seamstress to remove the lace from her dress could get along so well with so many people. What’s her secret? Does she have a twin I don’t know about?

  When they reached the farm, he was relieved and disappointed. Being so close to her on a horse was better than dancing with her, but he didn’t know how much longer he could hold off his sudden desire to kiss her. He was very much aware that she was a woman and he was a man. It was ridiculous that he would want to be with her in such a way. He had no intention of being married to her longer than he needed to. It’s a simple business arrangement. Don’t let her get to your head.

  When they got off the horse, she said, “You handle yourself better on a horse than you let on. If you keep it up, you could master riding her.”

  Jeremiah burst out laughing.

  She peered around the horse’s nose. “I didn’t see you there.”

  “Apparently not.” He walked over to them. “So, city boy, you got the caviar?”

  “I sure do.” Jake widely smiled. “Do you think you’re brave enough to eat some?”

  “If you can eat Rocky Mountain oysters, I can eat your fancy food.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  “That sounds like a challenge.”

  “It is. Are you up to it?”

  He scoffed. “I’m always up for a good challenge.”

  “Then let’s go.”

  As soon as Jake got Jeremiah, Trevor and Luke at the dinner table, he handed them the crackers and took out the caviar. “You smear it on the cracker with a spoon or knife. Then you eat it.” He ate his and looked at them. “Now, it’s your turn.”

  Sue and Gloria sat at the table, interested to see what the three brothers would do. Her parents were taking care of some chores while Patty played with her dolls in another room.

  Trevor picked at the caviar with a spoon. “What is this stuff?”

  “Caviar,” Jake replied. “It’s expensive. Only the best for Sue’s brothers.”

  “Hmm...” Luke said, staring the caviar on his cracker. “You try it first Jeremiah. You’re the oldest.”

  “Alright. Move aside and give me some of that creepy looking stuff.” Jeremiah spooned a very small amount and lightly rubbed it on his cracker.

  Jake shook his head. “I must say that I’m disappointed. Here, I thought I had met my match but you are all talk.”

  Jeremiah grunted and put more caviar on his cracker. He put the cracker in his mouth and winced.

  “Rich people eat this all the time,” Sue said. “You’re always saying that they are too soft to manage life on the farm. Surely, you can eat caviar.”

  Jake looked at Jeremiah. “So people that have lots of money are soft? I suppose that’s why they like to eat fish eggs.”

  “Caviar is fish eggs?” Trevor’s eyes grew wide.

  Jeremiah motioned for Gloria to bring him some water.

  She remained sitting.

  He forced himself to swallow it. “W
hat’s wrong with you, Gloria? I need something to wash this awful stuff down.”

  “You made him eat Rocky Mountain oysters. I’m not helping you,” she retorted. “You’re on your own.”

  “Who’s soft now?” Sue grinned.

  “Well, I’m not,” Trevor decided. He quickly shoved the caviar in his mouth and swallowed it. “There. I did it.”

  “But can you do ten? Jake ate ten of those oysters.”

  “I sure can. Just watch. It’s no different from the play I wrote where this boy is dared to eat a bunch of worms. He just had to open his mouth and eat as fast as he could. Food doesn’t taste so bad if you rush through eating it.”

  “Except for Sue’s cooking,” Jeremiah said under his breath.

  Her family quietly chuckled.

  She rolled her eyes. “At least I became a librarian instead of a cook.”

  “She doesn’t need to cook. I hire someone to do that,” Jake added.

  “That’s nice of you to stick up for sis like that, Jake,” Jeremiah noted as Trevor quickly wolfed down the remaining nine caviar filled crackers on his plate. He turned to her. “Want to keep him now?”

  She blushed. “Hush!”

  Jake pretended not to notice the exchange but it gave him some insight into what was going on between Sue and her brothers. He recalled the abbreviation her brothers had used that morning. OKJ. K must be for Keep. Obviously, whatever the whole thing stood for was embarrassing to her.

  “Done!” Trevor announced.

  Jake looked at his empty plate. “I’m impressed. You have earned my respect, Trevor.”

  “Respect is overrated,” Jeremiah huffed as he stood up to get himself a glass of water.

  Luke licked the caviar from his cracker, shrugged and put it in his mouth. “I guess it’s not too bad if you think of something else while eating it.”

  “Are you going to let your two younger brothers outdo you?” Sue pointedly asked Jeremiah as he gulped down the water.

  “From that stuff? You bet,” Jeremiah said. “I’m already married. I have nothing to prove anymore.”

  She smirked. “So says the chicken.”

  “I’m not a chicken. I’m just man enough to know that what I eat doesn’t determine who I am.”

  “Sure.”

  “You want to see who can lasso the most cattle in fifteen minutes?”

  She smiled. “You could never win that one.”

  “Then you won’t have any trouble accepting the challenge.”

  “Do you really think it’s manly to challenge a woman to do a man’s task?” Jake asked.

  “Oh, don’t worry about Sue. She’s practically a man. She can do everything a man can, except she can have babies.”

  Sue slightly winced at his comment.

  Jake suddenly wondered if she ever felt like a woman. It would be hard to feel feminine with three brothers roughhousing with you all the time. No wonder she didn’t think any man could be attracted to her.

  “Jeremiah, I’ll give you a lesson in business,” Jake spoke up. “When you are dealing with people, you need to notice details. Sue turned a lot of men’s heads at the wedding. She’s definitely not a man.”

  He noted her pleasure and felt better for her.

  “Really?” Jeremiah said as if he was considering something. “You like the way she looks. Interesting.”

  “I’m not blind,” Jake answered. “I have excellent taste. I wouldn’t marry someone who wasn’t the finest looking woman in Virginia. No offense to your wife.” Deciding it was time to take the focus off of Sue, he turned to Trevor. “I saw The Path to Christmas. I’ve seen many plays and must admit that yours was one of the more entertaining ones I’ve been to.”

  Trevor’s eyes lit up like the Christmas tree in the parlor. “You think so?”

  “I don’t lie about things like this. You have a lot of talent. What else have you written?”

  Trevor excitedly explained several works he had already completed and the one he was working on. “There is one that we act out for Pa and Ma. It’s called The Kidnapper. We have the lines all memorized and the costumes made. Want to see it? Sue does a great job of acting.”

  “Trevor, I don’t know if I want to do that,” Sue argued. “I don’t feel like playing the part of the middle-aged fat man. Let someone else do it.”

  “But you do those lines better than anyone else. You got the whole accent and mannerisms down just right. Besides, Gloria plays the cop. You got the best part in the whole thing. You have the most lines and you’re the most interesting character.”

  “In Shakespeare’s plays, women often dressed up as men. Remember The Merchant of Venice?” Jake hoped to ease her discomfort.

  “That is true. Alright,” she said. “Though we could always do something else.”

  “You’re right, sis,” Jeremiah spoke up. “We could take Jake out to rope cattle.”

  “I want to do the play,” Trevor argued.

  “Oh, let me see it. If it’s anything like the Christmas play, we’ll all have a good time.” Jake was anxious to do anything but more outdoor activities.

  Jeremiah was disappointed but reluctantly agreed to join his siblings.

  Jake waited for them to get ready for their performance in amusement. He sat on the couch with Sue’s parents in the parlor and made small talk. He couldn’t remember anyone ever going through as much trouble to impress him as the Lewis family did, and it was even better now that he fit in with their group. He didn’t have siblings but imagined this was what it was like.

  When they were ready, Trevor came out wearing a torn up suit. “Alright. Here’s the setting. We are on a train heading for California where a sixteen year old named Jeremy, played by yours truly, is being held hostage by Larry, played by Jeremiah. You see, Jeremy’s father is rich, so Larry kidnaped Jeremy in order to get a ransom for returning him. The father is played by Sue whose name is Al, and Al’s younger son, played by Luke, is Gerald. Gloria and Patty play the cops who show up at the very end. The plot of this story is simple. Al and Gerald create a plan to save Jeremy from evil Larry, and Al and Gerald are disguised as country bumpkin who don’t speak proper grammar so that Larry won’t suspect their true identity.”

  He set up several chairs. “Now pretend this is a train.”

  Jake chuckled at his enthusiasm. Trevor really got into his work.

  “They like to do this a couple times a year,” Sue’s father said. “They get better each time they do it.”

  Trevor went back to the kitchen to get ready for his part.

  Larry shoved Jeremy onto the train. He pointed a fake gun at Jeremy. “Don’t do anything to arouse suspicion.”

  Jeremy nodded his consent and sat down.

  Larry sat next to him. “This is real simple. As long as you do what you’re told, I’ll let you live. Your father will be worried about you by now. Surely, he’ll bring the ransom money to the designated spot.”

  Jeremy sat quietly and stared out the window.

  Jake tried to hide his shock as Sue appeared. They did a good job of disguising her as a middle-aged fat man with graying hair and thick mustache who wore tattered old green and black clothes and a faded black hat. He hardly recognized her. How can a woman look so beautiful on her wedding day and make such a convincing man? He could understand her hesitation in doing the role. But to her credit, she fell right into character.

  Al and Gerald walked casually onto the train. Al bumped into Larry on purpose, but Larry was supposed to think it was an accident.

  “Oh, I is so sorra, misser,” Al quickly apologized.

  She sounds like a man too. And she does have the southern accent down well. Jake was amazed that someone who could look so incredibly feminine in her new clothes could appear so masculine in this skit.

  Al cleared his throat. “Here. Let me get ‘em there marbles I dropped when I bumped inta ya.”

  Jake hid his distaste for the poor grammar she used.

  Jeremy and Larry tri
ed to move aside as Al hurried to collect the five marbles on the floor. Jake watched the quick slip of the hand as Al slipped a folded piece of paper into Jeremy’s hands.

  “Misser, misser.” Gerald anxiously tugged on Larry’s suit jacket.

  “What are you doing?” Larry snapped and struggled to get the boy’s hands off of his clothes.

  Al successfully stood up and patted Gerald on the back. “Son, if I had tol’ ya once, I had tol’ ya a dozen times not ta touch oter people. Who knows what they be a carryin’?”

  “But this man has a tie, Pa. A real, honest ta goodness tie!” Gerald insisted, as he held onto it so that Larry couldn’t watch Jeremy read the note.

  As soon as Jeremy nodded to Al, Al bopped Gerald on the head. “What did I tell ya? Now leave Misser...ah...Misser...” He snapped his fingers. “Well, what be ya name, son?”

  “Uh...Larry.”

  “Misser Larry...”

  “Is this really necessary? You got your marbles, now go old man.”

  “Oh what a neat barn out that winda!” Gerald crawled over Larry until he sat between him and Jeremy.

  “What is going on here?” Larry demanded, his face red.

  “Whoa!” Al pretended to lose his balance and hung onto Larry’s arm to stand back up.

  Meanwhile, Gerald reached into Larry’s pocket and picked out a wallet and quickly handed it to Jeremy who slipped it into his own pocket.

  Before Larry could look over at what was taking place, Al patted him on the shoulder. “Ya know, I was jist a recallin’ a time when I first rode the mighty rails. It was the summer of 1859. Oh wait. That ain’t right. That was when I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Look in me mouth. Not a single wisdom tooth left, but that process, it sor did hurt somethin’ awful. That dentist didn’ give me anythin’, no alcohol or nothin’. I ain’t neva felt pain like that befor and hope I won’ again. Thank goodness, that’s all ova. Anywhoo, what was I a talkin’ ‘bout. Oh I ‘member. The first time I rode these here rails. I was a wee lad like yoself. Shoo, son. Ya lookin’ like ya coulda be twenty. No mor than twenty-one. How old are ya anyway?”

  “Does it matter?” Larry was irritated. “I’m on business here. I would like to be left alone.”