Forgive & Regret

by Kaitlyn Cross

  His voice hardened. “Are we going to just keep pretending that what we had wasn’t real?”

  Her eyes snagged on a statue of a weeping angel bent over a child’s tombstone. Stella tried to think, guilt and remorse wrenching the breath from her lungs. “Sawyer, I-I…”

  He pulled her back inside the truck and kissed her hard, stirring up a ball of emotions all over again. The taste of his tongue sent tingles to her toes, the warmth of his palms against her cheeks as close to home as she would ever get.

  She shoved him in the chest. “Stop.”

  “Why did you leave?” he asked crossly, a tendon flaring in his neck. “Why didn’t you answer my calls? Why did you just…disappear!”

  “You know why, Sawyer.”

  His chest heaved beneath his unzipped jacket. “We didn’t die, Stella. We’re still here.”

  “I know we’re still here, Sawyer, but…”

  He yanked her close and whispered into her ear, “Why did you kill what we had?”

  She laughed. “What I killed?” she yelled, getting out and slamming the door shut.

  Sawyer leaned over and rolled down the window. “I’ve got news for you, Stella Talvert, it’s not dead! It will never be dead!” He got out and came around the front of the truck, lowering his voice. “I love you, I will always love you.”

  Stella climbed inside her car without looking back, wishing Sawyer would have stayed in the city. Wishing his mom was still alive so he could have kept pretending none of this ever happened. It was the only way and he fucking knew it! Sawyer stared at her as she slowly motored past, leaving him to old gravestones and wistful thoughts. They were this close to perfect and there was no going back. His words rang in her ears as she drove off. What they had was dead all right and if it wasn’t, she’d kill it herself.

  Haunted love was no way to go through life.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Stella hurried up her father’s driveway, desperate for a nap. The kind that would make everything go away for an hour or two. Her blood boiled in her veins as she unlocked the front door and shoved it open, the nerve of him putting her on the spot like that! Like it was her fault! Inside, she galloped up the stairs so fast her legs burned. Stella didn’t care and only slowed when she noticed the family pictures missing from the rising wall. Cresting the curving staircase, she looked back with melancholy floating in her eyes. Why would he take those down?

  In her bedroom, she kicked out of her boots and back flopped onto the small bed, too tired to do anything but blow out a long stream of air and stare at the ceiling fan. In less than sixty days, she went from lavish hotel rooms with Professor Sherman to her childhood bedroom with the same pink teddy bear she’d loved since her fourth birthday. Pinkie watched from a tiny rocking chair across the room, a sad look in his glassy eyes. She hadn’t even been back for twenty-four hours and already wanted to kill herself. Sawyer’s imprudent admission replayed itself in her ears, dragging heavy chains and locks across the floors of her mind. Stella pushed him back and made way for Roman’s self assured grin to surface through the muck and the mire, bringing a playful smile to her lips. Bad idea or not, she would see him tonight because he was right…she could use a little fun before slitting her wrists.

  Stella closed her eyes, wondering what the odds were of running into him like that today. Was it destiny? Was everything a prearranged coincidence? A series of events leading to the same place no matter which path you took?

  She hoped not.

  Fate was a fickle bitch.

  Never tempt fate.

  Chapter Fourteen

  FOUR YEARS AGO

  The smell of popcorn and chocolate swirled in the living room, mixing with the cologne lingering on the sweat shirt Stella took from Hank’s bedroom after he left for the bar. Stella’s mom tossed an M&M into her mouth, eyes glued to the movie on TV like she hadn’t already seen it a hundred times. Stella bit back a grin and elbowed Sarah in the side, making her flinch.

  “Would you stop doing that?” Sarah whispered, like they were in a real theater, filled with strangers. “I’m trying to watch this.”

  Stella threw her head back and laughed, nearly choking on a piece of popcorn. “You’ve seen this movie a hundred times.”

  “Yeah, but this is the best part.” Sarah pinched an M&M from the small bowl between them on the couch and held it up. “Here ya go, Shamu.”

  Stella caught the candy in her mouth and turned back to the movie, giddy as the high school senior she was. Her mother was her best friend and movie night a Talvert ritual. Sarah Talvert wasn’t like Wendy Waggoner’s mom who wouldn’t let them watch True Blood or drink soda during sleepovers. Oh, hell no. Stella could tell her mom anything and tonight she would finally unlock the secret she and Sawyer had been hiding for the past two years. The thought left her bubbly with excitement. With Hank and Jase stuck working the dinner rush, Stella and Sarah claimed the entire fifty-inch flat screen and guzzled Diet Coke like they didn’t care if it kept them up all night or not because there were two more movies left to watch.

  Sarah gasped and covered her mouth, chest rising beneath an aqua blue t-shirt that matched her eyes. “Did you see that? That did not just happen!”

  “The nerve of that Tom Hanks!”

  Sarah elbowed Stella in the side and shot her a sidelong glance.

  Stella filled their glasses with more pop. “Oh my God, would you look at that laptop! It’s so thick.”

  “You say that every time.” She grew quiet and exhaled a wistful sigh, hair falling over her shoulders in blond rivers. “They don’t make em like this anymore.”

  Stella snuggled up closer to her mom under the blanket, blending candy and popcorn into her mouth, heart pounding in her chest. She was boiling over with nervous anticipation. This would be a new start. One they didn’t have to live out in the shadows, one that would, someday, turn their parents into doting grandparents. Stella tossed an M&M into her mouth and let it melt a little before biting down. She watched the movie, fantasizing about the family picnics her and Sawyer would, one day, host in their backyard. They would cook hotdogs and hamburgers on the grill, play badminton in the grass, and roast marshmallows over the fire pit. Everyone would be there, with drinks in their hands and bursts of laughter peppering the sunny skies. Stella couldn’t wait and, unbeknownst to Sawyer, tomorrow she would give herself to him, setting off a chain reaction of events leading to their happily-ever-after. She was past ready.

  Sarah turned to Stella. “Hey, do you want to go shopping in the city tomorrow? I need some new shoes.” When Stella didn’t answer Sarah lifted her brow. “Did I mention I’m buying?”

  Stella faced her mom and swallowed hard, pulse thudding in her ears. “I’m in love with Sawyer.”

  Sarah pinched her eyes together, like she was having a hard time recognizing her own daughter. The movie grew louder in the silence sucking the air from the room. “You’re what?”

  Stella took her mother’s hand, uneven breaths making her chest hitch. “I’m sorry for not telling you before but we didn’t know how everyone would take it, especially Jase.”

  Sarah shook the fog from her head. “Sawyer?”

  Stella nodded, unable to contain the smile blooming on her lips. “And he loves me too.” She sat up a little straighter, the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders.

  Sarah looked down at her hand clasped in Stella’s, tears sliding down her cheeks. The relief that flooded Stella’s system was indescribable. She knew this would please her mother so much it would move her to tears. Like she told Sawyer, their relationship will link their families until the end of time. Just think of Christmas! she said with life sparkling in her eyes. Our families huddled around a huge fireplace inside an aspen townhome. Their families were close but this would bring them even closer and Sarah saw it too. She saw the good times ahead and it made Stella’s heart burst with joy.

  She squeezed her mother’s hand. “I’m so happy, Mom.”

  Sar
ah’s face hardened, turning her eyes into sunken caves, changing her face in the flickering blue light from the TV. Her voice became guttural, masking the sweet airy tone from just minutes ago. “You can’t.”

  The air slipped from Stella’s bubble as her mother’s words slowly registered like the pain from a hot pan, incapacitating her on every level. “Wait, what?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  PRESENT

  Stella cracked her eyelids open and stared at the ceiling fan without breathing. She didn’t panic. This wasn’t the first time that dream left her breathless and it wouldn’t be the last. Shutting her eyes, she tried to go back to sleep, desperate to reconnect with her mother for one more minute. It was the only time they could talk and Stella hated her for it. Blackness swam behind her lids like an angry sea, refusing to bend to her will. She opened her eyes again. It was too late, Sarah already gone. It always ended that way – the beginning of the end. That was the first chink in her love for Sawyer, a love she thought was unbreakable. Stella’s lungs sipped at the air, slowly pulling her back to reality. Bitterness sank in when she realized she was back in her childhood room, stuck in place and on the run to nowhere.

  Twilight turned the room to gray and after rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she rolled over and checked her smartphone. As promised, Roman texted his room number over two hours ago and, if she hurried, there was just enough time to shower and meet him by eight. “Landon’s?” she muttered, setting the phone down. Landon’s was the best B&B in town. Well, it was the only B&B in town and Stella spent many wedding receptions and Christmas parties in Landon’s iconic ballroom over the years, but never stepped foot in one of their lavish rooms. Her skin prickled with anticipation, driving her dream far from her mind. This was going to get good but she must hurry.

  A knock at the door startled her. She sat up and pulled the comforter over her mom’s old Run for the Cure sweatshirt. “Yeah?”

  The door cracked open. “You decent?”

  “Depends on your definition of decent.”

  Hank popped his head in, a comforting smile on his face that reminded her of when she was little. “You okay, sweetie?”

  “Yeah, just shaking off a little road lag.”

  He stepped inside and straightened a black, short sleeve button down masking his girth. “I tried catching you earlier at the bar but missed ya.”

  Stella’s heart missed a beat. With Roman’s unexpected arrival, she’d completely forgotten about their meeting. Now her father was probably having second thoughts about giving her too much responsibility. He had that tone in his voice. The one that said he was about to have another talk with her, and this just wasn’t the right time. “Sorry, Daddy, but I’m having dinner with Wendy tonight and wanted to get some rest so I can keep up. You know how that girl likes to talk. In fact, I’m running super late.”

  “Wendy Waggoner?”

  Stella nodded, running her fingers through her tangled nest with one hand, holding the comforter up with the other. “I’m sure I’ll find out what everyone in town is up to tonight.”

  “Imagine you will,” he said, leaning on a white vanity against the fuchsia blue wall. He blew out a deep breath. “Listen, I…”

  “Oh my God, I’m so late,” Stella said, checking her phone and sliding to the edge of the bed, signaling her need to take a rain check on the impending conversation. “I should really get going.”

  “I’m seeing someone.”

  Her feet hit the floor at roughly the same time as her jaw, a heavy thud driving the wind from her lungs. Her slender gaze rose to find his evasive eyes, a steel knife lodged in her windpipe. “You what?”

  Shamefaced, Hank barely nodded.

  She shook her head like Mike Tyson just caught her with one of his famous uppercuts. “Wait; you’re seeing someone?”

  He shifted his black shoes on the carpet.

  “Who?”

  “Her name is Vicky Henderson. She moved here from Portland last year to take over the head librarian position after Mrs. Dunham passed away.”

  Stella’s lungs constricted, cutting off the oxygen supply to her brain. She saw stars and hung onto the edge of the bed for support. “And you’re seeing her seeing her?”

  Hank replied with another hangdog nod of the head and stuffed his hands into his khakis like he’d just confessed to a murder buried twenty years in his past.

  It took a moment for Stella’s next question to form on her lips. “How long?”

  “About five months.”

  “Five months?” she yelled.

  “I’m sorry, honey. I honestly didn’t know how to tell you.”

  A bitter laugh cart wheeled from her mouth. “I guess not.” Her bemused gaze wandered the room like a lost child, searching for something to hang onto, and then snapped back to him. “So what, you just hit on her at the library like some kind of library creep?”

  Hank’s expression crumbled down the crisp collar of his shirt. He cleared his throat. “No, not exactly like a library creep,” he said, drawing a deep breath. “Whenever I checked out a James Patterson book she would always comment on whether or not it was any good. And even though it felt wrong, it took my breath away.”

  Felt wrong? Stella felt sick to her stomach. Here she thought her father was still grieving over a tragedy nearly four years in the rearview mirror and it turns out she was the only one left doing that. She couldn’t believe it. Everyone else had moved on like nothing ever happened.

  “I would really like for you to meet her tomorrow, Stell.” He paused, unsure if he should continue. She could see it in his tired eyes. Hank ran a hand through his hair, mussing the part down the middle. “But here’s the thing…” He stopped, searching for the right words that Stella already despised. “The lease is up on her apartment next month and…I’ve asked her to move in until she figures something out.”

  Stella blinked her curled lashes against the horror flashing in her eyes. “You what?”

  “There’s plenty of room,” he said before she could bite. “We won’t get in your way.”

  Stella laughed hard. “My way? It’s your fucking house!”

  “Watch your mouth!” he barked, composing himself in the quiet that pressed in next. “I know this isn’t the greatest time for this, but it would mean the world to me if you could just meet her tomorrow. Would two o’clock at the bar work for you?”

  Meet her tomorrow? In a painful flash, Stella saw tomorrow in her mind, fake smiles and all. Seated on the back patio of the bar facing the hillside, Vicky told Stella she wasn’t here to replace her mother and Stella told Vicky to go fuck herself while Hank ran a hand down his face. Stella was no clairvoyant but it was easy to see. Swallowing against the bile rising in the back of her throat, it all started coming together in her mind. The remodeled kitchen, the game room and the missing family pictures told Stella everything she needed to know. Vicky wasn’t going to stay here until she figured something out; she was already here, everything already figured out. Stella could smell it on his breath, like stale wine after one too many glasses.

  She studied her father’s guarded eyes, cursing her mother under her breath. This was all her fault. Another woman in this house? Named Vicky? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! Her rage was so explosive now she should have a warning label slapped across her forehead: HANDLE WITH CARE – HIGHLY COMBUSTIBLE. The hatred choking her throat would allow one word and one word only to squeak from Stella’s voice box.

  She chose wisely and smiled.

  “Sure.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Her mind shifted with each mile the Volt devoured, swerving from Sawyer to Roman and back to Vicky again as fast as the speeding car itself. She pressed harder on the accelerator, eyes thinning, trying to make sense of it all. The more she thought about it the more she knew she couldn’t stay under the same roof with that woman and it didn’t matter if she was Mother Theresa. It was blasphemy, dammit! She nearly missed her turn and yanked the wheel to the right,
slamming on the brakes. The tires skidded into the parking lot, scratching the night.

  Anger coursed through Stella’s veins at an alarming rate, so much so she didn’t notice the pretty, white lights outlining the wraparound porch at Landon’s Victorian Bed & Breakfast. Nor did she notice the quaint rocking chairs and potted flowers, or the Cozy Café nestled just inside the grand front doors. Without slowing her frenetic pace, she barely made eye contact with the older gentleman sitting behind the front desk as she whisked past, his pleasant smile wilting as he watched her ascend the spiral staircase.

  The hallway was wide and the wallpaper busy. Stella felt like she was trapped inside one of those 3D stereograms she could never see. She stopped in front of a full length mirror on the wall to compose herself. Resting a hand on the hip of a timeless black dress stopping just short of the knees, she twisted a four inch heel on its toe and smiled. Her eyes drew to the silver necklace draped around her neck, hallway lights sparkling against the chocolate diamond hanging in the middle. She stared at it, dazzled by how the beautiful rock brought out her violet-colored eyes. Smiling at her reflection, she couldn’t help but wonder what excuse Professor Sherman gave his fiancé for the missing necklace. Stella snorted. That was the least of that poor woman’s problems now. Stella exhaled a long breath. Her reflection gave her a confident nod and Stella continued down the wide hallway, butterflies stirring.

  Stopping at room number two thirty-seven, she fluffed her hair and knocked too hard on the door, instantly regretting being there. The last thing she needed right now was for anyone to catch her sneaking around like…her mother. Sawyer pushed through her racing thoughts, begging her to leave this place at once. She shoved him back down and pulled her hair over her shoulders. Four years ago she never would’ve believed she’d be standing at this door right now. It was mesmerizing how fast things can change.