The Butterfly Box_A SASS Anthology

by Anthology

  Sam’s dad worked a lot. When we were kids and wanting some time alone, we always came here. Many nights when I was overseas, I’d close my eyes and I’d return to Sam’s bedroom. I’d have her tight in my arms, the only place I ever felt peace, but that’s no longer the case.

  I carefully slide out of the truck and walk up to the front door. I knock a few times before taking a step back. When the door opens, my breath gets caught in my throat.

  “Can I help you?”

  A miniature version of Sam is standing before me. A young girl with long black hair and hazel eyes, the same girl I’ve pictured in my head when life was at its worst.

  “I was . . . I’m . . . I’m here to see Sam?” I mumble as my eyes continue to take in the girl before me. The girl smiles and I swear it feels like someone punched me in the gut. My legs suddenly feel weak forcing me to lean against the porch railing.

  “Who’s at the door?” Valerie, Sam’s best friend comes up behind the girl. “Oh it’s you. I heard you were back in town.”

  My eyes won’t leave the girl in front of me.

  “Sam’s not here so you can get lost,” Val snaps.

  “Aunt Val?” the girl questions in shock.

  “Oh, sorry. Sam’s not here so you can kindly leave.”

  I glance at Val only to find a smirk on her face while a thousand questions travel through my head, starting with the fact that this girl looks old enough to be mine.

  Val shakes her head, “She’s tall for her age but she’s only nine.”

  Clearly I did little to mask where my mind was heading.

  “Oh. I thought maybe . . .”

  “Oh, I know what you thought. You can’t imagine Sam’s life moving forward once you dumped her but I can assure you it did.” Val turns to the girl, “Katie why don’t you go check on our cookies.”

  The girl, Katie, smiles again and I swear something inside of me moves.

  “Sure.” Slowly Katie leaves but not without looking over her shoulder one last time. I can see the questions in her eyes as she finally walks away.

  “You need to stay away from Sam and Katie do you hear me?” Val hisses the second Katie is out of sight.

  “I came here to talk to Sam about my mom. I didn’t even know . . .” I rub my good hand over my face. “I didn’t even know she had a daughter.”

  A daughter . . . Sam has a fucking kid. A kid that’s not mine. Maybe she is married after all. With that thought my stomach once again turns.

  Val sighs, “Sam’s not going to tell you anything about Margie. That woman is like a mother to her and a grandmother to Katie. If Margie doesn’t want you to know what’s going on in her life, then so be it.”

  A flashback to another night, standing in almost this exact same spot hits me, only that night it wasn’t Val yelling at me, it was Edward Harris. I was a loser that was going to bring his only child down and he wasn’t about to sit by and allow me to ruin her life and he was right.

  “I’ll leave.”

  A sadness washes over me only this time when I walk out to my truck, I promise I won’t destroy the life of everyone I love.

  “HE THOUGHT KATIE was his.” Val says after Katie finally goes to bed.

  “He what?” I question.

  “He didn’t come right out and ask, but I could tell he was wondering. I made sure he knew how old she was,” she explains.

  My daughter is a complete blessing but when I first found out I was pregnant with her I didn’t believe that. I had one year left of nursing school and the guy who knocked me up was looking for a good time and nothing more. I debated getting an abortion but it went against everything I believed. Then I convinced myself I’d give her up to a family who could offer her everything I couldn’t, but from the moment I felt her kick I was in love. She was a piece of me and I couldn’t let her go. Since then I’ve bent over backwards to make sure she’s had everything she needs, including a loving family.

  “Katie sometimes looks and acts like she’s twelve. I couldn’t blame him for wondering,”

  I frown at Val’s comment. “No matter how much he hurt me, I wouldn’t have done that to him,” I respond.

  “I know sweetie and I think deep down Luke knew that too. I think he almost wished she was his.”

  I glance at Val as my mind races through my teenaged years. Luke promised me the world, then in one day everything changed.

  “I think Katie is curious,” Val adds.

  “I’m sure she is. She’s heard Margie talk about him and she’s seen his pictures throughout her house.”

  Katie knows Luke exists but she doesn’t know about my history with him. I didn’t want to answer the questions I knew would come over the years if she knew Margie’s son was once upon a time the love of my life.

  I force a smile, “Where Katie is concerned, nothing has to change.”

  I don’t believe my own lie. Margie’s health is failing and she’s refusing help. I don’t think she’s in denial, I think she’s been waiting for the day Luke was finally out of the military and safely home before she officially gave up. She has never refused a test before and Luke being home is the only thing different in her life.

  Val snickers, “It sucks that time has been good to him, at least in the looks department.”

  “Yeah, if anything Luke looks better now than he did in high school, while I have a flabby stomach covered in stretch marks.”

  “Oh shut it. You have a great career and a daughter who adores you. Outside of looking hot what does Luke Runyan have to offer anyone?”

  I shrug. I can’t begin to understand how his life has changed in the last twelve years.

  Val grabs a bottle of wine out of the fridge with a huge smile, “Let’s go outside and drink a glass of wine and forget all about the Runyans for a change.”

  “That sounds perfect Val.” A relaxing night with my best friend is exactly what I need but I know no matter how hard I try, both Margie and Luke are going to take up space in my head.

  I PAUSE ON my way out to my truck when I spot Luke standing next to his own truck. “You’re not supposed to be driving.”

  “You have a daughter,” he states.

  Even after my conversation with Val I wasn’t expecting him at my door bright and early the next day.

  “Yes, I do.”

  The corner of his mouth turns up in a smile. “She’s beautiful.”

  My racing heart starts to slow. Maybe it’s time we get this conversation out of the way.

  “God, when I saw her it was like looking at you again for the first time.”

  I clear my throat and fight off my emotions but Luke cuts me off before I have the chance to say anything.

  “She’s exactly how I dreamed she’d be.”

  My eyes narrow with confusion, “Who?”

  “Your daughter. Only when I dreamt about her it was always our daughter.”

  His comment causes my heart to race.

  “Are you married?”

  My eyes thin as his question grates on my nerves. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no I’m not.”

  I swear he looks relieved when he hears my answer, “Where’s her father?”

  I shake my head, “That’s really not any of your business.”

  Luke hesitates but he finally takes a step closer. “I think you’ll always be my business.”

  As I process his comment anger starts to consume me. “I stopped being your business the night you told me we were over.” A night I’ve yet to forget.

  “Sam.”

  I can hear the desperation in his voice. “I’ve only ever wanted what was best for you.”

  “I’ve gotta go.”

  I walk past Luke and get in my truck. I leave him standing in my driveway as I head to work. The drive seems to take forever but I finally make it to my desk while my mind is still stuck on a man I want to forget.

  “WHY DIDN’T YOU tell me she had a daughter?” I question my mother the second she takes a seat across the t
able from me.

  “It wasn’t my place to tell you.”

  I sigh in frustration. The women in my life aren’t making anything easy on me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Mom’s breathy voice brings me out of my thoughts. I look back at her with a question on my face.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask.

  “Joining the Army was Casey’s dream, not yours. I tend to forget that. I’m sure when you saw Katie it was a reminder of the life you truly wanted.”

  I sigh again, “Let’s not talk about Casey.”

  Casey isn’t a topic I want to bring up with anyone least of all mom.

  “We need to talk about it,” she states.

  I turn my head and look out the window as mom leans forward and pats my hand.

  “I don’t blame you, I never have,” she softly says causing me to tense. “I need you to forgive yourself. You have to let go of the past and grab ahold of the future you want.” There was an edge to her voice.

  “I’m happy.”

  I glance towards mom again as she tilts her head to the side and studies me. “There hasn’t been a single day since you lost Sam and Casey that you’ve been happy.” Her comment hits me harder than I was expecting and she couldn’t be more spot on if she tried.

  “You and Casey were so different but you were both amazing kids. I only wished you would believe that.”

  The room suddenly feels warm. I stand up ready to leave when she shouts louder than necessary. “You need to forgive yourself Luke.”

  I’m not able to take any more. I dart out the door and back to my truck. Driving isn’t easy but I do my best and make it to town.

  Everything in Jasper looks the same, it almost feels like time has stood still, only I know better. I glance over at the gas station and I can’t help but smile remembering the time Casey and I convinced Mr. Brown that aliens had invaded the town. Or the time Todd and I snuck beer out of the cooler to take to a party . . . but the happy memories I once had are long gone.

  I exhale a deep breath before I walk through downtown. When I stop in front of the diner I freeze. I shouldn’t go in there but for some reason, I find myself pushing the door open. Instantly the smell hits me. Sam and I came here almost every day after school for milkshakes and fries.

  Slowly I walk over to the booth we always sat in as it dawns on me, the last time I was here was with Sam in this very booth.

  “Oh my, if it isn’t Luke Runyan. I thought I overheard your mother saying you were coming home.” I nod my head at Pam, the same little lady that’s worked here from the first time I stepped through the door.

  “What can I get you?” she asks.

  I wasn’t planning on getting anything to eat, but now I feel like I need to order our usual. “Vanilla milkshake and an order of fries.”

  “Some things never change,” Pam chuckles before walking off.

  I might be eating the same crap I used to order but nothing is the same.

  Time seems to still as I wait for Pam to bring my order. I’m about to say screw it and leave when Katie, Sam’s daughter walks in.

  “Katie bug, make yourself comfortable, I’ll have your order out in a few,” Pam hollers from the back.

  I glance around wondering why a nine-year-old would be by their self when she spots me.

  With a huge smile on her face she walks over and takes the seat across from me.

  “You’re Luke Runyan.” Katie raises her chin and it’s clear this girl is fearless just like her mother.

  “I am.”

  “I’ve seen your pictures on Margie’s wall, how come you’ve never been home?”

  My leg starts nervously bouncing under the table. How is it possible a little girl is making me this uncomfortable? “I’ve been home a few times.”

  Her eyes narrow, “But I’m usually very busy. I don’t come home as often as I should.”

  “Busy?” she repeats not believing my crap for a second. “If I didn’t love my mama and grandad so much I’d want to live with Margie. She’s the best. I couldn’t imagine being too busy for her.”

  My breath catches in my throat as her comment wreaks havoc on my already unsteady heart.

  “Katie bug, did your mother say you could hang out with strange men while you wait on your grandad?” Pam questions as she places my milkshake and fries on the table.

  “He’s not a stranger, he’s Luke.”

  With only a simple comment, my world flips upside down. Katie just met me, but already, I’m not a stranger.

  “Well, just make sure you tell your mama.” Pam adds before walking off. Katie’s eyes are locked on mine and I swear she can see something in me that I’ve tried to keep hidden for years . . . fear.

  “Want some?” I push my fries closer. Katie grabs one and dips it straight into the milkshake . . . exactly what Sam and I used to do.

  “I take it you eat here with your mom?” I chuckle.

  Katie shakes her head, “No I usually come with my grandad. Mom doesn’t like eating here.”

  She probably hates coming here as much as I did today. “Who taught you to eat fries with your milkshake?”

  “My mom. We fix them at home sometimes.” Sam just doesn’t eat them here. I glance back at Katie only to find her still staring at me.

  “Do you love my mom?”

  My eyes widen in shock as I stare at the miniature version of the love of my life. I have no idea how to answer her but I know I don’t want to lie.

  “I’m just asking because if you do, then you need to ask her out.”

  I clear my throat, “It’s not that easy.”

  “Yes, it is.” Katie challenges never once backing down with her unnerving stare.

  “I did some things that ended up hurting your mom.”

  Katie slowly nods, “Have you told her you’re sorry?” She questions as she shoves a fry into her mouth.

  “Katie it’s not that easy,” I add.

  “Mama says you should always apologize, that way you’ve done what you can to make amends with someone, but that doesn’t mean they have to accept your apology.”

  My lip twitches as I fight a smile. That’s exactly something Sam would say.

  “I’d love to be a part of your mom’s life but I don’t think that’s what she wants.”

  And until I returned home, it’s not something I thought would ever happen. The busy life I had in the Army is the only thing I know. Being here in Jasper is quiet, too quiet. I had originally planned to leave the second I was released by my doctor, but everything has changed. Mom is sick, and the feelings I’ve forced myself to forget for Sam have returned, tenfold.

  “Well, that yucky Mr. Dickerson keeps asking her out and if she says yes, I’m going to throw up.” Katie pretends to gag as I process what she said.

  “Brian has asked your mom out on a date?” my eyes narrow.

  “All the time, but Mama always turns him down.”

  Brian Dickerson was always an asshole, one I remember clearly looking at Sam on more than one occasion. I think I remember mom saying he’s been divorced twice already—which doesn’t surprise me, not with the way he treats people.

  “Here’s your order, Katie.” Pam places a plate of biscuits and gravy in front of her.

  “Thanks Miss Pam.”

  Katie’s manners are remarkable, just another reminder of why Sam is an amazing person.

  Katie digs into her food, and I finish off mine. She smiles at me as the diner door opens.

  “Grandad,” she rejoices as she stands up.

  Slowly I look over my shoulder at Edward Harris, a man who hates me.

  “Luke. Margie told me you were coming home.” Edward extends his hand for me to shake. I glance at Katie who’s watching me like a hawk.

  “How’s your arm treating you?”

  I’m taken aback by his question and warm smile. I haven’t misread Edward. I know he hates me, twelve years ago, he all but told me that.

  “My arm is
good. I hope to be out of my sling soon.”

  “That’s good to hear. I’m sure it’s a relief to your mother. I know she was worried out of her mind when she heard you were shot.”

  I’ve added that to the long list of regrets I have where my family is concerned.

  “Well, Katie bug, we better get going,” Edward says.

  Katie gives me a dazzling smile, “It was real nice meeting you Mr. Runyan.”

  “It was nice meeting you too.”

  “Don’t forget what we talked about,” she winks and turns towards Edward.

  They wave towards Pam and walk out the door. I knew returning home would drag out memories I’ve tried to forget but I wasn’t expecting the gut punch I felt from seeing the new and improved Sam and also meeting the same one I fell in love with. There’s no doubt in my mind that Katie is a younger version of Sam and right now my heart is telling me to do everything I can to make them both mine.

  SATURDAY NIGHT IS family dinner night at the Harris house, only we tend to invite more than just family to our dining room table. Unless she’s not feeling up to it, Margie usually attends as does Val. More times than not, daddy invites some of his single friends from the Mill.

  “Who’s here?” Val questions when we hear a vehicle pull in the drive.

  “I don’t know. I was just about to leave to pick up Margie.”

  Val glances out the window, “Well you don’t need to. She just arrived.”

  “She what?” I practically shove Val out of my way to take a look.

  “Oh, Luke brought her,” I breath out a sigh of relief. I was instantly upset thinking Margie would go against her doctor’s orders and drive herself but I’m just as unnerved to see Luke here.

  “Maybe he’s just dropping her off?” Val teases.

  “He hasn’t been cleared to drive either.” I storm off toward the front door just as I hear a knock.

  “Margie,” I greet as I pull the door open.

  “Luke said he was invited.”

  Margie’s smile takes up her whole face. I can’t remember seeing her this happy since I was a kid. For that reason alone, I decide to play along with whatever Luke has told her.