Broken by Love

by C. A. Harms

  It had been three days since she left. Three long-ass, miserable days. I have fought against every urge I have when it comes to being the alpha male. I’d wanted to go over to Riley’s on more than one occasion and carry her ass out of that apartment. I’d thought about kidnapping her and taking her to someplace secluded. A place where we had no other choice but to work this out.

  I had avoided all calls from my family and friends. I knew everyone would be furious with me. I deserved their anger; I knew that too. I did this, and it was all my fault. They didn’t need to throw that in my face. I was punishing myself enough.

  Kate had a checkup this morning, and I debated whether I should just show up. I sent her a message and asked if she needed a ride, but she told me no. I was making all the attempts I could to see her, but I knew deep down I waited too late to show I cared. I should have been doing this shit all along instead of jumping in once I pushed too far.

  The text she sent me after her appointment broke me just a little more.

  Things went well. Our little surprise is perfect. The nurse almost slipped and told me the sex. She forgot that we decided not to find out. She caught herself just in time. The secret is still safe.

  My chest was so tight, and my throat burned. I let myself fall back onto the couch and placed my arm over my eyes. The sound of my front door bursting open caused me to shoot to my feet. “What the fuck, man?”

  Max and Tanner stood in my doorway staring at me in disgust. “Dude, this place fuckin’ stinks and you look like shit.” Max never sugarcoated anything. He said what he felt exactly when it struck him. He was an arrogant ass, and he knew it.

  I just flipped them both off and slumped back onto the couch. I heard them shuffling around, but I chose to ignore them. Sooner or later they had to get the hint and leave, right?

  My legs were lifted and shoved sideways as Max flopped down hard beside me. He propped his feet up on my coffee table, and Tanner took the chair across from us. “So you screwed up big time with Kate?” I glared at him. “What are you gonna do to fix it?”

  “I’m not sure I can fix it. She made it clear that she thought we were over.”

  Tanner jumped in without warning, “Fuck that. Seriously? You just gonna walk away? You two are about to have a kid together. So, what? You’ll let some other man raise your child while you only get visits on weekends?”

  “No one is taking my place in my kid’s life. That’s a guarantee.” Now these two assholes had me pissed off, and the last few days it didn’t take much. I was edgy and irritable. Everything had changed, and it was all my fault. I had the girl, and I pushed her away. I let go of the one girl I loved, and now I felt disgusted with myself. I didn’t need anyone else throwing the shit back in my face.

  “Then you need to get your ass off this couch and find a way to convince Kate you love her. You need to figure out a way to get her back.”

  I looked from Max to Tanner and then chuckled. “I feel like I just entered the twilight zone with you two. Max, you are the worst person to give relationship advice, and Tanner, you aren’t that far behind. You two have dipped your sticks in more girls than anyone else I know, and now you want to fix my relationship. You idiots don’t know the meaning of a relationship.

  “Max, you still continue to play poor Bree daily, and one day that girl is gonna wake the hell up. She’ll figure out some guy out there will love her like she needs to be loved.” He frowned, and I didn’t wait for him to answer. I turned on Tanner. “You, you’re a man whore. You can’t decide one day to the next what you want. I don’t think I have ever seen you with the same girl more than once. You call ’em all babe so you don’t mix up their fuckin’ names, Tanner.”

  I laughed and stood from the couch. “Advice about women and relationships coming from you two jokes is the highlight in this whole fucked up situation.” I stormed off toward the bathroom. “You need to go clean up your own lives and leave mine alone.”

  Chapter Four

  Kate

  Driving to my parents’ house always made me feel anxious, the role of second best sitting in the back of my mind. I hated the constant game of competing for my parents’ attention Kara played.

  It was time for the dreaded lunch that I had known about for weeks. I had planned on asking Carson to go with me. He was always able to distract me when it came to my family. Spending more than an hour with them was challenging.

  I had a younger sister my parents worshipped. She was a total bitch about it too. I was tired of hearing about her accomplishments. I would honestly be more supportive of her if they made it easier. They continued to compare the two of us, and in the end I was made to feel like a loser. That was what made it hard to be proud. I was always treated like nothing I did was as good as what she had already accomplished.

  Today we were celebrating yet another accomplishment of Kara’s. She had been accepted into Harvard. Yippee… way to go Kara, whatever. I was meeting them at my parents’ house, and then we would go to the country club for lunch.

  My stomach was in knots thinking about what the day would be like. I knew I would hear about everything I could have done better. Kara made sure she brought up the fact that I’m pregnant and unmarried every time she saw me. Once she got wind of what had happened recently, I knew it would just be more nasty comments coming my way. The thing was, I didn’t know if I even had the energy left to defend myself. I felt like a loser anyway, so there wasn’t much she could say that would make me feel any worse.

  It had been two weeks since I left Carson and moved back in with Riley. For the most part I stayed in my room. I could barely drag myself out of bed most days to go to class. I had to force myself to get up this morning. I just needed to survive the next few hours the best I could. Tomorrow would be easier… I hoped.

  Riley insisted I go with her tomorrow to her parents’. Apparently we were having a girls’ day, and I wasn’t allowed to skip it. Rayann was a sweetheart and had always been a better mother to me than my own. She never made me feel like the outcast. I envied Riley and her mother’s relationship. I just wished for once my mother could look at me the way Rayann looked at Riley. They had this best friend relationship that always left an ache in my chest when I witnessed it. It was actually pretty beautiful. My mother had always treated Kara special. She always got what she wanted. I remembered, growing up, all the times I was pushed aside while Kara was placed on her pedestal. My mother always acknowledged her every milestone, and mine were left unnoticed.

  The moment I pulled up at the house, I found myself rolling my eyes. Kara was sitting on the front porch drinking tea with my parents. I could already sense the arrogance in her when she looked up to see me crawling out of the car.

  The bitch couldn’t even wait for me to step onto the front porch before she took her first jab. “Wow, Kate, every time I see you I swear you’ve gained fifteen pounds. Are you sure you’re only having one? You could pass for carrying twins.”

  My heart wasn’t in it today. I was emotionally spent already and feeling completely worthless. Kara and her need to put me down just hit me deeper than normal. I tried to fight it, really I did. But when neither of my parents felt the need to control her attitude, smiling instead like it was all fun and games, I caved. I let out all of the stress and anger I had felt for years. I’ll admit I went overboard, but dammit, I was tired of her unnecessary bitchiness.

  “I didn’t come today so you could be a bitch, Kara. In all honesty, I couldn’t care less about your newest accomplishment. I do have one question though. Which professor did you blow this time to get your name in the running for Harvard?” She narrowed her eyes at me.

  “Enough!”

  Well, of course Mommy comes to the rescue for her favorite daughter.

  “Kate, that was completely out of line. Kara has worked very hard to get where she is today. You need to apologize.” Kara’s smug expression had me burning with anger. She looked victorious, and I wanted to smack the grin off her face.
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  I turned to my parents, and I could barely see through the tears that filled my eyes. “I won’t apologize for defending myself. The only thing I am sorry for is showing up here. You both let her tear me down like it means nothing, but I’m done being her doormat.”

  I turned and walked toward my car, hearing my father’s voice telling me to stay and my mother saying something about me acting overly dramatic. I chose to not look back. I left before any of them could stop me, and when my father’s number flashed across my cell phone screen I hit ignore. I had nothing left to say right now. I needed to breathe, and I needed to be alone.

  I couldn’t go back to Riley’s place… my place, whatever. It still didn’t feel like home. I felt out of place. It had nothing to do with them. I just made a home with Carson, and when I left there, it had left a gaping hole within my chest that nothing seemed to be able to fill. I missed him so much. We were so good together for a while. The bickering was always there. We fired each other up like an old married couple. But at the end of the day, Carson was my home. I felt safe with him, and the fact that I hadn’t felt his love in such a long time left me broken.

  I know he was scared of being a father. Hell, I was scared to death of not being a good mom. But it was happening whether we were scared or not. Our not being together just made it that much more terrifying. I knew he loved me; I just needed more than he was willing to give. If you were in a relationship that at the end of the day left you feeling exhausted and defeated, then what was the point? I got tired of feeling like I was forcing him to be with me. So I gave him his out. He was free… and I was shredded.

  After I drove around in a daze for over an hour, I decided to stop for something to eat. I was beginning to feel a little nauseated. I had allowed myself to get a little too hungry, and when that happened my little bug made sure I understood the consequences. I wandered the street just outside of Marco’s Pizza trying to decide if I wanted to go in alone.

  “Kate?” I turned to see Lily from my psych class approaching.

  “Hey, how are you?”

  “I’m okay. How about you? Feel like grabbing a pizza with me? I’m starving, and I hate eating alone.”

  I smiled and nodded. “Sure.” It would be nice to escape reality for a little bit. Lily didn’t know my troubles. I could pretend my life hadn’t fallen apart, and maybe escape the heartache for a short time.

  Chapter Five

  Carson

  “Tanner, seriously, asshole. Are you gonna help me with this or what?”

  He turned around with his phone to his ear, holding up his hand. The fucker was telling me to hold on while he secured his nightly booty call. The jerk told me he would help, and he had spent the last half hour sweet talking some chick he won’t give two shits about tomorrow.

  I turned back to the kid behind the counter and gave him the paint sample back. “That one right there. I’ll go with that.” Screw waiting for my sorry-ass brother. I could choose the color of my kid’s room without him. I watched while the young clerk mixed me two gallons of a color called Fairway Mist. I figured a light shade of green was a safe choice that could go both ways.

  It had been three and a half weeks since Kate left me, and I had spent the entire time cleaning up the house and getting it ready for the day I convinced her to come back home. From the first day she moved in with me, she had talked about things she wanted to change. Colors she wanted to paint the walls, and how she wanted to redecorate. The jerk in me continued to push it aside and blow off her ideas. Now that I’d lost her, I found myself wondering what the hell the big deal was. Why the fuck didn’t I just let her do it? Now I hated going back there because I sat within those walls feeling like a stranger in my own home. Kate had become a huge part of my life, and I didn’t realize how good I had it until she walked out. Isn’t that how it usually goes?

  Tomorrow my sister was having a surprise shower for Kate at my parents’. I fought and fought with her and my mom, and finally I told them I would be there whether I was welcomed or not. They planned a coed shower, and they were crazy if they thought I wasn’t coming too. I wasn’t sure Kate would like the idea of me being there, but I needed to see her. I had attempted to call, but those calls had gone unanswered. She occasionally responded to text messages, but only if I asked her how the baby was. I tried to give her the space she needed, but dammit if I wasn’t going fucking nuts staying away.

  ***

  The party was at two, and I arrived at eleven to help set up. I got the death glare from Riley and even my sweet, little peacemaker mom. When Mom gave you those piercing glares, you knew you fucked up.

  I felt her next to me but continued to fold the green and yellow napkins around the utensils. “When she arrives today, I want you to stand clear. Do you hear me, Carson? This day is for Kate, not for you. You have hurt that girl enough, and I’m not saying you don’t hurt too. Today isn’t about any of that. Leave it at the door because she doesn’t need the drama.”

  I turned to face my mom and smiled the best I could. “I got it, Mom, I do. I just need to see her, okay? I know I screwed up, and she won’t talk to me.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t blame her for avoiding me, but dammit, Mom, I need her. I love her, and one day I hope she realizes how sorry I am that I didn’t treasure her when I should have. I had something amazing, and I let it go too easy.”

  I needed a little fresh air, so I stepped out back and popped the cap off my cold beer. Just as I brought it up to my lips, someone slapped me hard on the back, causing me to choke. I turned to find both Zander and Max laughing.

  “What the hell, Max? You could have chipped my fucking teeth, man.”

  “Oh, don’t be a pussy.” He took a seat in the lounger, propping his feet up on the table. “What are you doing out here? You’re hiding from Mom, aren’t ya?”

  “Yeah… and Ry. She hasn’t gotten ahold of me yet, but I’m sure she will.” Zander chuckled, and I turned to look at him. “What?”

  “She has been spewing about you all fucking day. You know Riley when she gets fired up.” My sister was a fiery-ass when she was determined. I nodded in agreement. “You’re safe for a little while, though. She left. She had to go get Kate and play out the entire surprise thing.”

  I took a deep breath because in less than an hour I would see Kate. The whole idea made me excited and scared shitless at the same time. Today was about her. So my feelings and questions needed to be put on the back burner. At least for a little while.

  ***

  The moment I heard the squeals and giggles floating from the house, I knew she was there. I took a few calming breaths before standing up and entering through the sliders just off the dining room.

  A fair number of glares were immediately shot my way, and I chose to ignore them. Kate stood with her back to me wearing a red dress that hit just above her knees. Her hair flowed down her back in golden waves. The moment she looked back over her shoulder and our eyes connected I felt my stomach tighten. Her face showed no signs of what she felt. Just a blank stare before turning back to face everyone else.

  I stood off in the distance while everyone played a round of games. I watched as each guest measured out string, attempting to guess the distance around Kate’s midsection. She laughed and smiled, and each time it made my chest burn. I realized at that moment how little she had laughed over the last few months. I remembered a lot of tears, but the happy times were few and far between.

  Every time I heard her talk about after the baby came, I felt sick to my stomach. She talked about how she already started decorating one side of her room with the crib and changing table.

  Riley and Kate shared a story about shopping for a glider and the cute high school aged kid who helped load it in the cart. Apparently he was flirting with Riley and almost dropped in a few times. The girls laughed, and Zander shook his head.

  I stood leaning against the doorway as she started opening gifts and holding them up for everyone to see. She looked beautiful,
and her smile melted my heart. Kate’s excitement each time she opened a new gift bag was infectious. She loved presents, and once again it hit me that I had not taken the time to remember the way her face lit up over simple things.

  Riley handed Kate a big box with a huge yellow bow tied around it. “This is for you, for after the baby is born. It’s just a little motivation.” Riley’s smile confirmed that this gift was going to be interesting.

  Kate untied the bow and lifted the lid. Her cheeks reddened. “Honestly, Riley, my fat butt will never be able to fit in something like this again.”

  “You’re not fat. You’re gorgeous and sexy as hell.” Kate spun around, and her eyes narrowed at me. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it came out before I could stop it. After a few seconds Kate sat the box next to her and excused herself to the restroom. I had about ten woman giving me the nastiest looks. Of course my dick brothers we laughing at the unwanted attention now directed at me.

  Riley walked toward me and stopped. “Carson, you said you would keep your mouth shut. It took everything I had to force her to come inside once she saw your truck. I told her you would leave her alone. This whole situation has been really hard on her. I just wanted her to have one day, one day without sadness.”

  She took a step past me, and I reached out, gripping her elbow. “Let me go… please. Let me talk to her, and if she wants me to leave, I will. Please, Ry.”

  She stared into my eyes, and for a moment I saw the anger toward me slip. “You better not make her cry, Carson.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.” I turned and walked down the hall toward the bathroom. After taking a few deep breaths attempting to calm my nerves, I went for it. I tapped with my knuckle and waited for Kate to answer.