Always A Bridesmaid (Left At the Altar)

by Richards, Jana

  "Mom, please. Look what happened to you when you lost Dad. You fell apart. You were left all alone with nothing but debts and heartaches. I'm not sure love's worth that kind of sacrifice."

  Adele shook her head. "Oh honey. For the record, I wasn't alone. I had you, a little piece of your father. And I can honestly tell you that even if I'd known from the start your father and I would only have a short time together, I'd still love him. I wouldn't give up loving him for anything."

  Zach was silent. How could she mean that? He remembered her tears, her grief. How could love be worth all that pain when you knew it wouldn't last?

  "Dani's nothing like Chantal. She's not going to leave you for someone else, and she's not going to humiliate you in front of everyone you know. She's not going to string you along for years and then dump you the minute you commit to her again. In these past few days, I've really gotten to know her and I believe she's an honorable person."

  "Honorable?" He jumped to his feet and paced the kitchen. "I saw her with Jonathan, twice. I saw her holding him, kissing him." The intimacy he saw between them haunted him.

  "Did you ask her about it?"

  "Of course I did. She denied there was anything going on between them. She said they were just friends, that she was comforting him because he was going through a bad breakup."

  "But you didn't believe her."

  "I'm not an idiot! I saw how close they were, the way she looked at him. I'm not going to fall for that 'just friends' routine again!"

  "Oh, Zach." Adele shook her head. "Chantal hurt you so badly you're too scared to take another chance. You've found someone real and wonderful in Dani but you can't believe it won't all blow up in your face if you let yourself feel something for her. But I'm telling you, honey, it'll be okay."

  He shook his head, unsure what to believe. How could he leave himself open to hurt and humiliation again? How could he trust Dani?

  Maybe it was better to be alone than to take a chance and risk getting his heart broken again. If he let himself fall in love with Dani, no amount of crazy glue would patch up the damage when she left him.

  The doorbell rang, disturbing his confused thoughts. Saved by the bell.

  "I'll get it," he said, heading to the foyer. His mother followed him.

  "Who could be here at nine-thirty on a Sunday morning?" Adele asked.

  He opened the front door. A man in jeans and a winter parka stood on the doorstep. A multicolored scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck and a knitted hat was pulled over his ears. Why did he look so familiar?

  "Can I help you?"

  "Is Chantal here? I need to speak to her. Please, it's urgent."

  He pulled off his hat, his blonde hair sticking out in several directions. And then Zach remembered. Chantal's former fiancé, also former husband.

  "Harry. What the hell are you doing here?"

  "I need to speak to Chantal. I made a mistake breaking up with her. I need to set things right."

  "You broke up with her?" In Chantal's version, she was the dumper and Harry the dumpee. Somehow it didn't surprise him that she'd lied.

  "I was wrong. I should have believed her, should have given her a chance to explain. She wouldn't cheat on me. I know she loves me."

  Zach suddenly felt sorry for the guy. "Harry, think about this."

  "I've been doing nothing but thinking about this ever since we called off the wedding. I've got to talk to her."

  His mom put her hand on his shoulder and moved to stand beside him. "Chantal is still in bed. If you're sure you need to talk to her right now, I'll go wake her."

  "Yes, please, could you get her? I have to talk to her."

  "All right then," she said. "Please come in and have a seat in the living room. I'll see if I can rouse her."

  Zach walked him to the living room while his mother went upstairs. Harry paced the room like a caged animal.

  "Have a seat," he offered.

  "Thanks, but no. I'm too keyed up to sit."

  "Are you really sure this is what you want? Chantal hasn't exactly been honest with either of us."

  Harry stopped his pacing to stare at him. "You want her back, don't you? Here you are, all cozy at her sister's wedding, a perfect opportunity to put the moves on her."

  "Trust me, that's not what happened."

  "And trust me, it's never going to happen. Chantal and I belong together. We love each other. So stay the hell away from her."

  He put up both hands in surrender. "Fine. She's all yours. I wish you good luck." You're going to need it.

  Chantal swept into the room, her open dressing gown revealing a low-cut negligee in a soft pink silk. Zach had to hand it to her; she knew how to make an entrance.

  "Oh Harry!" She rushed into his arms. "I've missed you so much."

  "I'm so sorry I mistrusted you, baby," Harry murmured. "I was so wrong. Say you'll marry me."

  "Oh yes, I will!"

  Adele took Zach's elbow. "Let's give them some privacy. You can help me find another bottle of champagne. I have a feeling Chantal will want to celebrate."

  He followed his mother out of the living room. What a strange turn of events. He was relieved that Chantal's attentions were diverted away from him and back onto Harry. For all their sakes, he hoped the two of them could work it out. He honestly wanted her to be happy.

  He just wished he could find the same happiness for himself.

  * * * *

  Two weeks after returning from Toronto, Dani sat across a table from her sister-in-law, Olivia, and her best friend, Sarah. She'd been avoiding them while she licked her wounds. But the pity party had to stop, and it had to stop now, before it became a permanent fixture in her life. She couldn't spend the rest of her life pining over a man who didn't trust her, and didn't want her.

  "You look very deep in thought, Dani," Olivia said. "Are you all right?"

  Dani managed a smile. "Yes, of course."

  "I haven't talked to you in a while. What have you been doing?" Sarah asked.

  "I've been keeping my nose to the grindstone. Work's been crazy lately," she lied. In truth, things had been kind of slow at the office. She'd kept occupied with busy work, like reorganizing her filing system and cleaning out her inbox. Anything to keep from thinking about Zach.

  "You work too hard." Olivia said. "You need to get out more, have some fun."

  "How was the wedding in Toronto? Did you have to wear another hideous bridesmaid's dress?" Sarah said.

  "Actually, the dress wasn't terrible," she said. "And it managed to stay in one piece the whole day."

  A picture of Zach in the church after his non-wedding, putting his tuxedo jacket around her to cover the split seam in her dress, popped into her head. Even though he'd just experienced the most humiliating moment of his life, he'd gone out of his way to help her in her time of need. He was so sweet, so kind, so--

  Stop it!

  How was she supposed to get over Zach when she couldn't stop thinking about him?

  "Are you sure you're all right, Dani?" Sarah said. "You look--I don't know--stressed."

  "Or maybe distressed is the more accurate word," Olivia added.

  "I've just been putting in too many hours at the office, that's all."

  "You'd tell us if something was really wrong, wouldn't you?"

  "Of course." It wasn't like she was lying. She wasn't battling a deadly disease or in trouble with the law. She'd just had her heart broken, that's all.

  Sarah caught Dani's hand to stop her from stirring her coffee. A smile of pure joy blossomed on her face. "I'm glad you're okay because there's something I'm dying to tell the two of you. I'm pregnant."

  Olivia let out a whoop. "Oh my God! Sarah, that's amazing news!"

  Dani took her friend's hand and squeezed. She knew how much Sarah and her husband Will wanted a family. They had so much love to share with a child.

  They have everything I don't. She pushed the selfish thought away. This was Sarah's moment. "I'm so happy for yo
u, Sarah. So happy."

  Her voice caught on a sob. She covered her mouth with her hand to stop the tears, but they came anyway. Embarrassment and grief warred for supremacy. She felt stupid for losing it in front of her friends, especially in public in a crowded restaurant. Even worse, she felt jealous of Sarah. Her friend had found the man of her dreams and he returned her love. And now they were having a baby.

  Truly, she was happy for Sarah. But it hurt that that kind of happiness didn't seem to be in the cards for her.

  Sarah rubbed her back. "Honey, what's wrong? What's happened?"

  "I'm so sorry." She reached into her purse for a tissue and blew her nose. "I didn't mean to ruin your wonderful news."

  "You didn't ruin anything," Olivia said soothingly. "We know you're happy for Sarah. Why don't you tell us what's bothering you?"

  Her sister-in-law's eyes were so kind and caring that it all tumbled out, from her moment of connection with Zach in the church after his ruined wedding, to the crazy bargain she'd made with him and his subsequent rejection.

  "You really fell hard for this guy, didn't you?"

  "Yeah." She blew her nose once more. "That was stupid, wasn't it?"

  "Of course it wasn't. You really liked him," Sarah said. "But if he's not smart enough to see how wonderful you are, I say forget him. You're too good for him."

  "Sarah's right. Forget him. There's plenty more fish in the sea."

  Too bad there's only one fish I really want.

  Enough with the tears already. She took a deep breath. She'd cried a river of tears and grieved far too long for a man and a life she could never have. It was time to move on. Or to at least try.

  "You're right. Enough about me. Let's celebrate Sarah's pregnancy. I'll buy the first round of sparkling grape juice."

  Her friends looked at each other, clearly wanting to say more on the subject of Zach, but biting their tongues. Olivia raised her glass.

  "To Sarah, may your pregnancy and delivery be easy and may you have a beautiful, healthy baby. And to Dani, may you someday look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman we see."

  "Hear, hear," Sarah said, as she clinked her water glass against Olivia's.

  Dani raised her glass as well. "To us. May all our dreams come true."

  Though she said the words, she didn't believe them. Her dream was too impossible to come true.

  * * * *

  Zach stared at the cell phone in his hand, his finger poised over the button to speed-dial Dani's number. What would he say to her? Hey, baby. Let's get together for old times' sake.

  Ridiculous. How about: I've been a jackass. Can we get together sometime and talk about what an idiot I've been?

  At least that was closer to the truth. But still, she'd likely hang up on him, and he wouldn't blame her. What if he told her the truth?

  I miss you like crazy and I can't stop thinking about you. I think I'm in love with you, but I'm too scared to find out for sure.

  Would she listen, or would she tell him to go to hell? Why would she want to have anything to do with a man too afraid to acknowledge his own feelings?

  He was terrified of being in love with her. What if he let himself love her and she didn't love him back? What if she had fallen in love with Jonathan? He believed now that Dani had been telling the truth when she said that she and Jonathan had only been friends during the weekend of Fiona and Todd's wedding. He'd been too scared and pig-headed to see it. But what if that friendship had grown into something more in the weeks since then? Had he lost his chance with her?

  Cold fear crawled up his spine. What if he and Dani got back together, and she grew tired of him and left? The thought of her rejection scared the crap out of him. Chantal had rejected him several times, yet losing her had never felt as frightening as this. Chantal's rejections had humiliated and angered him, but when he really thought about it, he knew his pride had been more wounded than his heart.

  Had he stubbornly hung on to his relationship with Chantal because somewhere deep down inside he knew that even if he lost her, his heart couldn't be broken because he didn't really love her? At least he didn't love her in the deep abiding way his parents had loved each other. He'd seen the way his mother's heart and spirit had been broken when she'd lost his father. Had he been afraid of real love all this time because he knew how devastating it felt when it was gone?

  He stuck his cell phone back into his pocket. Maybe he needed a shrink more than he needed a girlfriend.

  Dani deserved better than a mixed up jerk like him.

  * * * *

  Dani's phone rang just as she arrived home from work. She hesitated before picking it up, not feeling up to a long conversation with her mother or any of her sisters-in-law. In the four weeks since Fiona's wedding, she'd smiled and participated in family functions, but she hadn't told anyone in her family, aside from Olivia, about Zach. She couldn't make herself talk about him, couldn't bear their outrage on her behalf. Hearing their pity would be even worse. She had to nurse her way through her broken heart on her own.

  But then she saw Jonathan's name on her call display and picked up the receiver. "Jonathan? How are you? Is everything okay?"

  "I'm good," he replied. "Getting better every day. How about you?"

  "I'm okay," she lied. "Have you and Kevin worked things out?"

  "Yeah. It was tough, but we managed it. Kevin made me realize that until I accepted who I really am, I'd never be happy. I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents I'm gay."

  She held her breath. "How did they take the news?"

  "They were shocked, stunned, at least at first. My father walked out. But they're gradually coming to accept reality, just as I have. I introduced them to Kevin. It was a little awkward, but we're working on it."

  "I'm so proud of you, Jonny."

  "What about you? How are you, really?"

  She took a deep breath. "In truth, sad." She told him how Zach had seen them together and jumped to the wrong conclusion.

  "Go to him. Tell him the truth about me and that there's nothing between us. Tell him you're definitely not my type. In fact, tell him he'd be closer to my type than you'd be."

  She laughed, as she was sure he had intended, and then sobered. "It doesn't matter now. I needed him to believe me when all he had was my word." How could she be with someone who didn't trust her? Didn't she deserve at least that much?

  "I'll talk to Zach," Jonathan said. "I can make him understand."

  "No please, don't do that. There's no point."

  "Of course there's a point. You care for him, don't you?"

  "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm hardly in Zach's league. No wonder Chantal didn't believe we were together."

  "What on earth are you talking about?"

  "Jonny, please. Do I have to spell it out for you? Zach is an extraordinarily handsome man. Beautiful women fall at his feet. Why would he choose someone like me over them? He'd never be happy with me."

  "What are you saying? That you're not pretty enough for him? Don't be stupid."

  "It's true! Pretty people stick together. It's a law of attraction, or something."

  "And yet he chose you over Chantal."

  "As a decoy, yes. Because there was no one else to do the job. I was simply convenient."

  "Maybe, but I saw the way he kissed you. I saw you dancing together and the way he looked at you. That seemed pretty real to me."

  It had felt real to her too, but in the end, it had been an illusion, a dream. She began to pace her small living room, feeling restless. She'd been feeling that way since she'd returned from Toronto.

  "You don't know what it's like. I grew up with six handsome older brothers. My two best friends in the world are gorgeous. I've always felt like the ugly duckling."

  Saying the words made her think of Chantal. She'd been an impossible standard of beauty to try to live up to. She'd always measured herself against Chantal's looks and had always come out on the losing end.

  "Dani, you'r
e no ugly duckling. You're a beautiful, vibrant woman, and one day some lucky man is going to walk into your life and be totally blown away by you. And he's going to love you for the same reason I do; because you're a beautiful person."

  Even if someone as wonderful as Jonathan described walked into her life, would she feel the same way about him? Or would she compare every man she met for the rest of her life to Zach?

  "Next you'll be telling me I have a great personality."

  He clucked his tongue. "I didn't realize how shallow you are. Do you really put that much importance on how a person looks? Do you think so little of Zach that you believe he feels that way as well?"

  "No! That's not what I meant."

  "So you admit that maybe he could care for you, despite the fact you're not as skinny as a model?"

  Was Jonathan right? Was she being shallow in thinking looks meant everything to Zach?

  No, Chantal had been right. A girl as plain as she was wouldn't hold his interest for long.

  "It doesn't matter anymore, Jonny. He's made his decision. He won't trust me when I tell him the truth, and I have just enough self-respect to know I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me."

  "So it's over between you?"

  Her throat closed. She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the useless tears. "Yes, it's over." Before it really began.

  "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you really cared for him."

  "Yeah." She wiped away a tear from her cheek.

  "Why don't you come to Toronto soon and stay with us? I've told Kevin all about you and he'd love to meet you. He's a fabulous cook and we've got an extra bedroom."

  "I'd love to see you again and meet Kevin." Getting away sounded like a great idea. "When's good for you?"

  "I'm off next weekend. Can you make it?"

  "My social calendar is wide open. I can be there Friday night."

  "Sounds great. We'll see you then."

  They said their goodbyes. Dani gently set the receiver back on the cradle. Was she being truthful with Jonathan? Deep down, did she hope Zach would love her if she looked differently?

  Was that why getting the breast reduction surgery was so important to her?

  She'd hated her over-large breasts ever since they'd made their sudden appearance when she was fourteen. Boys had teased her relentlessly, and other girls laughed at her. As an adult, men leered at her. She had to wear extra support athletic bras, and when jogging she had to wear one bra one top of the other to keep from bouncing up and down like a kiddie castle. Finding clothes that fit properly was impossible without tailoring. Her chest was disproportionately large compared to the rest of her petite stature, giving her a lopsided appearance.