Falling Into Love

by TC Rybicki

  Paul and Mom were hard to believe. They were also innocent and sweet one day and crazed and self-destructive the next. I had to stare at my own face occasionally in the mirror to remind myself who I was. This was my mother and Dane’s father, but as far as I knew, they were also complete strangers. I went through a range of emotions. Sometimes, I found myself rooting for these star-crossed lovers, which was insane, and other times I compared mine and Dane’s love story. We were better. Weren’t we? Until we weren’t. Other times, we were just like them, perhaps.

  Dane left unanswered messages on my phone. So many. Too many to count. I only saw when I turned on my phone after Gram left for church. I never wanted to be unreachable if she needed me. My fingers twitched. I wanted to read his messages, but I wasn’t ready. I loved to fuss and fight with Dane, but there was normally an underlying playfulness. Two times, our arguments sucked: the night of my birthday and yesterday. I was in the wrong the first time, and Dane was wrong this time.

  Gram defended him, and after putting some space and hours between us, I understood to a certain degree. I guess it’s hard to find the right time to tell a person you care about something unpleasant. Dane would keep urging me to meet, so I decided not to listen just yet. I needed to hear the rest of Gram’s story. I would read these letters again, and then I would absorb it all a little longer. I didn’t want to get caught up in my own emotions again. This was someone else’s life, but we were interconnected so planning and sticking to it was not the easiest.

  I worked normally for two days without telling anyone what was going on in my personal life. I knew Gram would hate our family drama exposed. This was obviously a well-kept secret, or someone would have blabbed a long time ago. I marched up to our kitchen table as Gram dug out last night’s soup.

  “Do you want to tell me everything because I’m prepared to listen?”

  “Make a bowl. Would you like a grilled cheese to go along with it?”

  I said I would. I made us both sandwiches, and Gram heated the soup. Before she started. “Would you like Dane here?”

  “No, of course not. It’s about time I know something he doesn’t know.”

  “Fair enough. The first thing I should say is you are not your mother. I hope you understand that, so don’t attempt to juxtapose yourself in that young girl’s letters. I know how you tend to react.”

  “I know. I’m closer to that teenage girl I read about than I ever was to the real deal but go on. Why are our families so tragic?”

  “We’re not tragic, child. Every family has a background and skeletons. The Littlefields and the Ellsworths go further back than you think.”

  “Mom grew up with Paul, correct?”

  “Ready to hear the truth or not?”

  “Yes, I’m ready.” That was Gram’s way of saying shut my mouth and let her talk.

  “My sweetheart growing up was none other than one Shepherd Ellsworth. We all called him Shep, and he was a looker like your Dane. I’m speaking of Paul’s Daddy.”

  “But I thought you’d been with Grandfather since the beginning of time.”

  She rolled her eyes. Gram couldn’t handle my dramatics most days. She went on to explain Roy Littlefield was Shep’s best friend since the third grade and Gram had a best friend too. “Her name was Irene Gaskell; her folks ran the only grocery store back in the day.”

  “I recognized the name, Irene. It was signed at the bottom of a painting in Dane’s study. I remember saying ‘this is different for a manly man’s office’ and he said his grandmother painted it. The signature was Irene E.”

  “You’re catching on? You’re a smart one, my Sydney.”

  “I think I understand now. You, Grandfather, and Dane’s grandparents swapped at some point in time. Jeez Louise, this is twisted.”

  “Not exactly an even swap. There were hurt feelings, broken friendships, and a God-awful fist fight. Before your active imagination gets away from you, I want you to know I did the honorable thing. My last year in school, I felt something change between Roy and me. His eyes lingered longer than they should, and he seemed sweeter than I remembered. Shep was focused on the family business and I never had ill will toward that man. He was an all-around good guy and I’d been mesmerized by dimples and chivalry. But the truth was I didn’t love him, and he’d already hinted at marriage. I couldn’t marry a man just because I really liked him. I broke it to him gently. I prayed we could all stay friends, but your grandfather jumped the gun and loudly proclaimed I was his. Shep was furious. They took turns beating each other half to death. Roy moved too quick and he wasn’t subtle. I’m afraid to admit I didn’t resist him a proper length of time. You know I’m not one for details unlike you, but Roy really didn’t break Irene’s heart. Turns out she always had eyes for Shep.”

  Gram took a long sip of her soup and continued. “Months passed, and I was set to marry your grandfather. Shep and Irene were together, so I figured in time we could find our friendship once again if everyone was happy. I’d fooled myself because Shep came to me right before the wedding, begged me not to go through with it. He said he still loved me and was only using Irene to make me jealous. Of course, it didn’t work, and I did my best to let him down gently once more. That’s when I saw her standing in the shadows. My best friend turned rival heard every word out of that man’s mouth and somehow, she forgave him because they married six months after us. She sure as shooting never forgave me and it was never my fault. I can’t help what he said.”

  “Wow, Gram, you must have been a hottie with all the men fighting over you.”

  “Hush that talk. It was two of them, and it was a complicated matter. I certainly regret how it happened. Shep and I kept our distance, but years later, word got out Roy was acting up. He approached me when I was with all the children. That man had the audacity to say they should have been our kids. That I chose wrong. What a smug you-know-what?”

  “Scoundrel.” I finished the thought. “All Ellsworth men are scoundrels. I’m sensing something else went down when Mom started dating Paul.”

  “Oh boy, did it ever. I was against it because of the past, but Marlene had heart set on that boy and no one else. Irene hated it. She hated my girl just because she was mine and was determined it’d never go anywhere.”

  “She got her wish, I suppose.”

  “Yes, and only Marlene and I know how.”

  “It wasn’t you Gram that pushed Mom toward the abortion, was it?”

  “Heavens no. That was unheard of in our church even though times were changing. Irene found out because she discovered your mother pale and nauseous one afternoon in town. She planted those seeds about ruining Paul’s life, and your mother was plenty scared to be pregnant. She loved Paul and agreed to marry him, but she never felt like she was cut out for motherhood.”

  I looked down thinking truer words were never spoken.

  Gram covered my hand with her weathered ones. I touched the evidence of the years of hard work and days spent in the sun. Her skin was thin, and she was aging but hardly fragile. There was so much strength in those hands. “You are not a mistake. You’re the best of this whole lot. I’ll put my hand on the Good Book and swear it. God blessed us with the likes of you. I’d all but given up hope on a granddaughter after both RJ and Mark had boys.”

  “Paul’s so mad at you for all this. Why not tell him his mother was the jealous shrew that broke them apart?”

  “Don’t speak ill of the dead Sydney. Truth is, Irene was a loving mother and grandmother, and she was a pillar of the community. As far as I know, this was her only transgression. She held a terrible grudge. I wished we’d made peace before she passed.”

  “So, you’d forgive anyone? Is that what you’re saying, Gram? Those people are crazy if you ask me.”

  “Dane’s not crazy unless you want to count crazy in love.”

  I didn’t want to talk about Dane just yet. Gram was leaving out parts saying the details weren’t important. I begged for more. “Tell me the truth
about Grandfather. You still love him, don’t you? And he must love you to fix the contracts so easily. Was that really the first time you’d seen him in decades? Did you stay in touch? Why does Mom think he’s dead?”

  “Hold on a second, let my brain catch up to my ears. I’m tired, ain’t you tired?”

  “Nope. I’m not going to be able to sleep for days. I want to know why you lost your true love.”

  “Fine. I left out some things. The first years were great for us, the boys came back to back, the business was growing, and we were happy even though I was bone tired most days. Roy started some friendly card games with his friends. I didn’t think much of it, looked forward to some nights to myself. Eventually, a card game here or there turned into a regular thing and then I noticed missing money from our savings jar. Gambling’s a sickness, just as bad if he stuck a needle in his arm. It took hold of him. He tried to quit. I threatened him enough. He settled down for a bit, and we had Marlene, but then he started up again, said he needed to make more money for three mouths to feed and to keep this business afloat. We went years like that, but the day I found out he swiped my entire loan payment for the bed-and-breakfast expansion was the last straw. I could lose it all. I threw him out and told him not to come back.”

  “That sounds awful. Is that when you pretended he died?” That seemed extreme. Everyone would have understood a divorce under those circumstances, even Gram’s church friends.

  “No, you’re getting ahead. I wasn’t kidding about being at my wits end. I needed help. There was no way to recoup that amount of money before the note was due.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I owed someone for the first and only time in my life not counting the bank.”

  “Who?”

  “I’d rather not say.”

  “Oh, my gosh, Gram. This is a tell-all, don’t clam up now. Wait. I know. Shep. You went to Shep. Oh my God, Gram. He never stopped loving you. No wonder he said they should have been his kids. He pined for decades. He gave you a loan.”

  “He was wrong to say such a thing. I was never meant to be with him or have kids with him, but yes, he loaned me the money, called it a gift. I swore it would be paid back with interest. When I had the money, I sent him a check, repeatedly, but it always came back in pieces. For all I know, Irene knew and had one more reason to hate me. That man went to his grave with me owing him. I hate that.”

  She paused hoping I was fine with those details, but Gram still had more to say about my grandfather. Something was bothering her about the past, so I fast forwarded to the present. “Is he real sick?”

  “No, he has degenerative disc disease in his back, so he’s mostly in a wheelchair.”

  “Does he still gamble?”

  “No, he says he hasn’t gambled in eleven years and I believe him, or he wouldn’t be able to afford the nice place where he lives. Somewhere along the way, he got himself a job and good pension. He offered to send money a few times, I told him I didn’t want or need it.”

  “Why didn’t you ask him back? I know you miss him.”

  “I did a few times. I’m not proud of that weakness. No woman should stand for a man that lies with a straight face. It was a struggle, so we were secretive. I didn’t want to confuse the children.”

  “Oh.”

  “Sydney, I got pregnant again. It wasn’t planned for sure. I was almost forty. I was sick a lot and hid it well. No one knew, and when I was a little more than halfway along, the baby came. I had no warning. It hadn’t been like any of my other pregnancies. It was a little boy. I panicked and called Roy. He made it before morning. We decided to keep it all private. He buried him in a little paper box in the middle of my oldest two pecan trees. It’s forever sacred ground. He deserved more, but we couldn’t do anything else. I’ve always honored his memory privately.”

  “Oh, Gram. I’m so sorry. That’s awful to go through alone.”

  “I never told a soul not even Cora. We called him Gabriel like the angel. After that tragedy, it was far too painful to see Roy. He was back to acting like a fool again wallowing in his grief. I told him not to come back, and I meant it this time. He begged me to tell the kids he had an accident on a job. He’d rather them think him dead than abandoning them for good. The boys were practically grown, and Marlene was starting her teen years. It was a terrible thing to do and I was sick to say the words. They wanted to have a funeral for him, but I told them it was too late. Their father had been using another name to escape his gambling debts, and he’d already been laid to rest in the middle of west Texas before word got to me.”

  It was weird for me to be entrusted with all this information. I wanted full disclosure. I’d been furious with Dane for hiding things, but now I felt the weight of carrying other people’s secrets. It wasn’t black or white, there was a gray area. I’m not sure why Gram and Grandfather kept up this charade, but it wasn’t up to me to understand. Making their children think Roy was dead seemed far crueler than the truth and Gram was not a cruel person.

  “You see, Sydney. Folks lie. I’m not saying it ain’t a sin because it is every single time, but sometimes you don’t see any other way. We all lie, and the Good Lord has mercy on us. Forgiveness is a duty. Think about that. You’ve made some strides in that department since coming to The Groves. I still have things to rectify. Roy and I discussed it. I’m going to tell them all the truth. Maybe they’ll see it as unforgivable, or maybe we’ll have peace one day. You know everything now, and for once you’re quiet. I’m not sure how to take that.”

  “Well, I don’t think different of you Gram. It’s not my place to judge, but it’s sad. It makes me really sad for some many reasons.” I wiped at my eyes. Who was I crying for? Maybe I was crying for all us. There were broken hearts, unborn children we’d never know, and so many unfulfilled dreams. “I hope Mom, Uncle RJ, and Uncle Mark will see it like me and understand.”

  “And Dane?”

  “My gosh, he is your favorite person on earth after all. I was way harsh. Dane is surviving. He knows how I am, but I’m going to talk to him just not today. I was so sure of things between us, and now I’m questioning my entire life. One tiny change, multiple times or different people making different choices, and there would be an alternate reality. Maybe Dane and I wouldn’t even exist. I have a lot to think about, but I know this, Josie Littlefield. It’s an honor to be your one and only granddaughter.” I kissed Gram on the cheek and hugged her longer than ever. She was a remarkable lady, and she endured. I was so fortunate to have her.

  Sydney: I’m only working a half day today. Would you be interested in talking?

  Five days without Sydney and she finally made contact. I considered myself a blocked number by now. Yesterday, was the only day I stayed silent because I didn’t see the point. My messages might be disappearing into cellular purgatory. Her text gave little indication what might be on her mind. Forgiveness? More drama? Regret? At least, I only had a few hours to dwell on all the possibilities either good or bad.

  Sydney stepped on the porch as soon as I shut off the truck. I had her memorized but seeing her today resembled seeing her for the first time. That’s how good it was to be standing this close to her again.

  “Wanna walk with me?”

  “Sure. Lead the way.” I was tempted to reach for her hand like always, but her two hands were clasped in front of her, and I took that as a sign.

  Sydney headed toward the river and followed the bank north. The ground under us rose with each step. I swear she wanted to be out of breath before we had our talk. She was determined to get to the highest elevation on the property.

  She finally stopped to stare down at the water below. I moved in behind her to look down. It was the closest I’d gotten so far. “That’s a long way down. Did you bring me here to push me over the embankment?” Sydney looked back at me, and I saw the hint of a grin. Maybe we could salvage everything. “Listen, Syd. I’m not sure if you listened to the messages or not, I’ve apologized over a
nd over. I’m sorry I hurt you, but I thought about this a lot. I’m certain if I was given the opportunity to relive it all, I wouldn’t do things differently. There’s no way I’d risk undoing the past four going on five months.”

  “I appreciate your honesty about your dishonesty, Dane. I can’t imagine not having all these experiences with you either. Who’s to say it all wouldn’t have still happened? But there is a sliver of doubt, I suppose. This is my favorite spot at The Groves in case you were wondering. It’s not a mountain or anything, but I feel on top of the world when I’m here.”

  “Really? You never mentioned it before.”

  “Don’t you think a woman is entitled to a few soulful secrets?”

  “I guess so. What makes coming here soulful?”

  “I soul search when I’m here, that’s why. Sometimes I read and write. I’ve thought about you in this exact spot many times. You want to sit down?”

  Sydney dangled her legs off the edge which made me nervous. That wasn’t the only reason since I knew our conversation was an important one. “Sure, but you can scoot back?”

  She wiped her face, pulled her hair up and let it fall piece by piece. She looked exhausted. I knew the feeling. “Gram told me an elaborate story a few days ago. My mind hasn’t absorbed it all, but she asked if I wanted you there before she started. I have a feeling she doesn’t mind if I share it with you.”

  “Okay.”

  I had no idea what to expect, certainly not the things Sydney retold. Our families were interwoven over the decades, connected by doomed romances, lies and misunderstandings. How could things be worse than I thought? Our parents were one thing, but we had more history linking us. This undying love my grandfather professed for Josie and the lifelong jealous of my grandmother made it appear we were spiraling out of control before Sydney and I even existed. I didn’t care what happened other than the initial shock and wonder, but Sydney took every piece of history personally.