Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

  “Karisma, I never knew my mother. She died when I was born.” Lily attempted to speak the words clearly, knowing that she had welcomed the discussion of her misfortune to be addressed by the queen. But her voice quivered, and she combed her hair through her fingers as she looked to the small pink paper flowers on the ground to help deter the tears from surfacing.

  Karisma stopped in their path and placed her hand on Lily’s shoulder, making sure that she had Lily’s attention before she spoke. “I’m sorry to hear that Lily.”

  The words were simple but perfectly comforting, and it was the release Lily had always hoped for, but was too scared to try in case she was disappointed. When most people found out they would react in a way that made her feel like she ought to be lost without such a figure in her life, and would try to overcompensate with suggestions of how it must be. Or some would just be uncomfortable with the subject, reacting with ‘are you serious?’ Implying that she would ever joke about something as serious as that. But Karisma’s reply of empathy was all she needed, and she felt open to explore her grief in a different light.

  “Karisma, you say that we choose our reality, why would I have chosen to miss my mother every day of my life?” The tears had welled up to the surface, she could feel the blood push up to her cheeks and rise up to her eyes, ready to stream over. “Because she is not with me, I feel inadequate, and much of my problems seems to stem from this cause.”

  A single tear released itself from Lily’s left eye. It didn’t even touch her face, for her lashes had pushed it out as she blinked. When it dropped onto the ground it stayed intact, like a rainbow-colored bubble sitting safely on the surface of the dirt. The weight of the tear must have created a noise only noticeable to the creatures of the forest, and within seconds a family of little ants scampered around and drank greedily from it.

  “In addition to accepting yourself, you must accept your life for what it is.” Karisma stopped with Lily as the two watched the ants crawl over each other, suckling the water from Lily’s tear, and Karisma rubbed Lily’s shoulders lovingly, patting her to move along. “There are no problems, it’s all about how you look at it. Your lack of a mother has allowed the relationship with your father to take an alternative form. Embrace the differences in life Lily, for you are fortunate to be growing up with an unusual outlook on what having a family is. It’s not just about the mother and the father and brothers and sisters, it’s about the bond of love between the two of you.”

  Karisma reached down and picked a handful of small red flowers from the ground, she handed Lily two and kept one for herself. She held the tiny flower up to her pointy nose to inhale the fragrance. Lily mirrored her actions, smelling the fruits of the flower that was able to miraculously intoxicate her nose with an incredible scent. The urge to cry had stopped, and her cheeks blended back into a creamy complexion.

  The girls continued to walk, and Lily kept on thinking about her relationship with her father.

  “What if sometimes I don’t feel like he is on my side?” Lily asked as she stared intently at the flower’s stigma, a dark purple with lilac tips.

  “He always is, in ways you can’t really imagine until you have children yourself. But even if what you say is true, maybe it’s happening so you can learn to stand strong on your own?”

  “Maybe,” Lily replied, as she strummed the soft petals against her cheek and listened intently, enjoying the comfort of fragrance, touch, and words in one.

  “Lily, your life is created for your benefit. Even if you don’t understand why something is, trust that it is meant to be.”

  Lily stared at the ground of polished red dust they were walking upon; she found she was able to absorb the knowledge easier when she looked away, there were fewer distractions, fewer of her own thoughts overtaking the other voice. My life is created for my benefit, she repeated in her head. And although there was still confusion embedded in her thoughts from times past, Lily finally felt the courage to accept the idea that the circumstance of her life was right for her, and exactly what she needed to experience. She smiled with happiness, thinking about how lucky she was to have met such an inspirational woman.

  “I am so appreciative of your kindness Karisma. I have difficulty opening up about my mother, and talking to you has restored my faith to give more people a chance,” Lily confirmed, although she realized that speaking her thoughts out loud solidified the idea to herself more so.

  “Of course, not everyone you meet is going to be kind to you Lily, but remember it is their own demons they are dealing with, not yours. And these people are just as great teachers as those who are kind.”

  Karisma lifted the stick underneath a large banana leaf above, and tipped the base closest to the branch. A stream of water gushed from above, and it tipped to a concave crystal slab of rock below. Two small raccoons with pink fur and orange painted faces dipped their paws into the dish and drank the water. They appeared to take no notice of the girls, and nuzzled their noses into one another, playfully.

  “You have helped changed my whole outlook on fear, honestly. What can I do to thank you?” Lily paused, wondering what it was that she could give Karisma in exchange.

  She looked to the ground where they were walking. The pebbled footpath of rough and polished crystals surrounded the two in a synchronized grid-like form all around. It reminded Lily of the crystal creation Karisma had made earlier in the house before she slept, in perfect synchrony. Not only were the crystals in a grid, but they also lit up as she looked at each one, creating a pattern similar to that of which she saw the night she crept underneath the house.

  The plants on the ground grew in uneven patches all over the place. There were different shapes of leaves, different colors of green, the majority with flowers, but the shapes of leaves looked more like stars than traditional oval-shaped leaves. It all seemed supernatural to Lily, but to Karisma it was normal. Even though Karisma saw such incredible beauty repeatedly she was still utterly and completely infatuated with all the fauna and flora constantly around her. The way she touched and smelled each plant, it was as if she cuddled and spoke to them, telling her admiration and desire to look after them. Lily felt bad to break off a part of their being, especially after they had been so kind to purify the air around them. But then she remembered how Karisma gave her flowers, and the words from Crysanthe flashed into Lily’s head, how in every death there is rebirth. And so Lily picked the most beautiful flower she could see in sight, a purple, red and white-headed passion flower, and she handed it to Karisma.

  “Thank you sweetheart, but you keep it, add it to your carry bag,” she kindly declined as she stepped over a great big root from a tree that had protruded from the ground. “All I want in return is for you to be happy. In Sa Neo, this is how we define unconditional love. It is to give love abundantly with absolutely no hidden agenda or even desire for the love to be returned.”

  Karisma stopped and walked over to where a strangler fig had entwined its roots around the base of a giant tree trunk. She weaved her arms in between the vines and stopped to hug the inside host. She breathed deeply for several seconds, and rested her forehead against the bark, whispering love and kissing the skin.

  “I never knew that kind of love existed with anyone other than my father, and even then I believed he had an obligation because we were related,” Lily joked. She put the flower into her cloth bag, but not before smelling it one more time, allowing the aroma to intoxicate her senses.

  “No one has an obligation to anyone, to love is a choice we make in every moment,” Karisma replied, feeling the veins of the strangler tree and asking it to be gentle. “And as for unconditional love, it can exist with everyone if you chose it to. But again you must be wary that people can abuse that kindness, like what we saw with Isabella this morning.”

  The image of Isabella turning into a sickly toad was ingrained into Lily’s mind, and the fear felt real once again. She frightened herself, but before she let the fear overtake her body, Li
ly told herself to let it go. And miraculously, it felt like a huge weight lifted effortlessly off her shoulders. Lily smiled.

  The road started to turn into a steep incline and the morning sun shone from behind the mountain up ahead and created a splendid backdrop to display the silhouettes of the trees and animals in the distance. Up ahead nestled between the base of two large trees stood a large arrangement of folded leaves and branches that looked like a gigantic nest. Karisma and Lily examined the opening carefully, however there was nothing there except for a marvelous white feather which had protruded from the nest proudly. The feather was elongated with a wide oval, and at the edges to the top laid wispy long strings. Karisma pulled the feather out and handed it to Lily, telling her to keep it for later. Lily obeyed willingly, and she folded over the delicate tips before placing it inside carefully.

  “The bird here has abandoned her nest, for we are getting closer to the volcano, can you feel the change in the air?”

  “Yes, and the ground feels warmer too, is that strange?”

  “Not at all, where do you think the volcanic lava erupts from? The core, Lily. Everything starts from the inside; it’s the root of the matter, remember?”

  Lily nodded as she noticed the trees around them becoming more sparse. They not only had died from the fire exploding, but the thickness in the air would have suffocated them too. And only a few more footsteps further along, the landscape was completely dry, with large chunks of rubble scattered along the ground. In the distance the girls could see the base of the volcano. It stood proudly on the edge of the cliff, with crashing water spinning violently below. A stream of black colored water covered the ground upon which they walked, and it calmed the ashes above into an almost mud-like consistency. Karisma held the base of her dress as she walked through, displaying thinly cut-out silver shoes tied up with string around her calves in a gladiator-type fashion.

  Lily looked up to the top-most point of the volcano. The volcanic lava was gradually oozing out, thick and bubbly, in a golden fire of orange-red with a piercing outline of black soot. Thick smoke sifted through the air directly above the tip, and the smell of burning ashes filled Lily’s senses. In between the black smoke and blazing fire, she could see a single flame of white light dancing solo. High above the red flames it flickered in the air, finding pleasure from being tortured by the coals beneath its feet. It was both calming and inviting. Lily gazed uninterrupted in a trancelike state for several minutes. She felt bewitched by the dancing white light and ached to escape her body. She would fly across the volcanic dust, high up through the mountain and touch it. But there was nothing to touch; it was only heat.

  “Lily, come and collect the obsidian crystals with me.” Karisma interrupted Lily’s levitation and pulled her back to her body. Karisma was now standing amongst the muddy soot and dirt, holding up a large black rock to indicate what she was to look for. “When volcanic lava comes into contact with the water it turns to a glassy stone,” Karisma said as she passed the black rock to Lily, “it is still called a crystal, however some crystals take hundreds, sometimes thousands of years to form. This crystal solidifies instantly, when the fire and water come into contact. For this reason, it is extremely powerful so you must be careful when using it.”

  Lily looked at the texture of black crystal and slid her finger across it slowly. The lustrous texture of the stone looked slippery and gave the illusion of being dangerously sharp.

  “What kind of power does it possess?” Lily asked, stroking the shiny stone, feeling a strange vibration from the freshly formed crystal as she did so.

  “It is able to attract, absorb, and remove negative energy. For this reason you must cleanse it regularly to neutralize it,” Karisma replied, picking up some more pieces of the stone, placing them inside her satchel.

  “Cleanse crystals? I never knew you did that?”

  “Just like you and me, crystals absorb energy too. So, it is important to regularly clear the energy that has been absorbed.”

  Lily reached down to the dusty soot and spiraled her fingers through the mud. It oozed with pressure, filling the gaps in between her fingers. Tiny grains of dirt prickled through, but it felt nice, the contrast of smooth and rough. She fiddled around until she touched something hard, and she yanked it out, displaying a large chunk of black obsidian crystal.

  “How do you cleanse crystals?” she asked, holding up the muddy rock.

  “The same way that we wash ourselves, with water,” Karisma said as she rinsed her hands with a small amount of clear water that was dribbling through the stream. “The salt water has the most beneficial nutrients and minerals that you need for your body. Think about how refreshed you feel after a swim in the ocean. This is how we cleanse the crystals too, although the crystals like to bathe in the moonlight as well.”

  Lily placed the muddy crystal inside her satchel bag and repeated the action again. She collected eight in total and giggled to herself, thinking of washing and lining them all up to soak in the moonlight.

  “You’re right Karisma, I always feel so amazing after the ocean. I never knew why,” she replied, remembering how reenergized and clear-headed she felt after a swim at the beach. “I wish I could live near the water all the time.”

  “Well if you can’t make it to the ocean, have a relaxing bath every now and again. Light a candle for your eyes, some oil for your nose, and just let your skin soak. You will feel so cleansed and refreshed.”

  Karisma foretold the instructions in a daydream-like state, and Lily could see that she was imagining herself relaxing in a beautiful hot bath. She shook her head and looked around to the volcanic dust, realizing where she was, she collected a few more crystals with Lily and then they began their journey back home.

  Behind their backs the girls could still feel the warmth from the powerful structure for quite some time as they walked back through the forest. It dominated the air above, the ground below, yet as seen with the crystals water was able to trump it, freezing it completely within seconds. There is always something that can stop life from breeding, Lily thought.

  After quite some time, Karisma steered the two off path, and they climbed over large tree trunks that overlapped each other, not stopping until they reached an open field of long grass that framed many flowering trees. A brilliant wide stream of water flowed to the edge where the grass grew high up to the girls’ knees. A family of deer was drinking the water on the other side of the riverbank and they stared as the girls washed their hands and crystals.

  The mud peeled off effortlessly in the water, and even though it seemed like there was a great deal of thick mud to clean through, as soon as it touched the stream, it dissolved, disappearing as though the darkness never existed in the first place.

  “Let’s sit over there,” Karisma said as they packed up their clean crystals inside the spare bags, and she pointed to a gigantic wisteria tree which towered over, creating a large patch of shady grass. A circle of garnet crystals protruded unevenly from the ground in a large circle. Karisma and Lily sat down together in the center, cross-legged, facing each other.

  “When you asked me about cleansing the crystals earlier, I thought perhaps we should have a lesson about them,” Karisma suggested as she tipped her bag out, displaying her crystals. “So, please choose a small crystal from your satchel that speaks to you the most.”

  Lily reached into her bag and chose the smallest crystal there was. She looked deeply into the blackness intensely. The raw nature in how it formed felt electrifying and immediately she was addicted to the dark beauty.

  “Look at it carefully and hold it tightly between your hands, sharing the warmth from your body. This is how you begin a connection,” Karisma explained. “Now place the crystal in your mouth, on top of your tongue, careful not to swallow! Try to clear your mind and let any messages, thoughts, or words come through to you.”

  Lily placed the stone inside of her mouth to try and connect with the piece of land, but her mind kept yelling
that there was a foreign object in her mouth. The harsh coldness of the stone was a fiery contrast against the warmth in her body.

  “Breathe through it Lily, you can do it,” Karisma encouraged as she continued to guide Lily with a soft voice.

  Lily took deep breaths and persevered to clear her mind. She pushed her tongue to the roof of her mouth and cocooned the crystal in between. The crystal adjusted to the temperature of her body, it seemed as though it had surrendered. That’s when she felt it—a pulsating vibration of energy soaring from the center of her mouth outwards. Sharp lightning which pushed around and around, straight up through to her brain. She felt like if she held it inside for any longer that she would explode. Lily spat the rock out quickly, suffocated with dizziness.

  “I can’t handle it. The motion was too intense.” Lily threw herself back onto the ground, and rested her head on the grass. The sweet-smelling flowers hung low in clusters on the branches of the wisteria tree and they moved gently with every breeze. But even despite the picturesque view, Lily still felt like she had failed, and she sulked quietly to herself.

  “It’s okay Lily, I understand,” Karisma reassured her, patting her on her knee. “The moment before you spat out the rock, what were you thinking?”

  “That I couldn’t handle it anymore. It made me feel nauseous.”

  “But it’s just an object, how can it make you feel nauseous? It wasn’t doing anything to you. It was your imagination, it was your thoughts that were getting the better of you.”

  “I felt like if I had left it any longer, it could do something, something bad to me.” Lily relived the motion she had felt moments before. It felt so real. She could distinctly remember the texture of the stone, how cold it felt inside her body. She felt nauseous again and wriggled her tongue around in her mouth over her teeth to be sure it wasn’t there again.

  “Nothing will harm you unless you let it. Yes, it can be hard to accept things sometimes, especially when it consumes your mind and your thoughts. But you just need to rise above it. Learn to separate your thoughts from your reality.”