PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  “Look, Jasmine, I know that my situation right now is unclear. I wish I had more to say about it beside that I’m trying to get a divorce. I am not living with her nor do I still sleep with her. The only thing that has blocked things from moving faster is my son. She wants to keep him so that she can keep cashing the hefty checks I supply and I just want my son.”

  “You have a son?”

  My heart hurt for him. His eyes said it all. He wasn’t lying. I could tell. There was a pain in his eyes as he spoke about that part of his life, and although I didn’t have all of the information, I knew that it was probably DRAMA-filled. As he went more in depth with the ins and outs of his private pain. I wished that I could have just snapped my fingers and fixed it all but that dream was just that, a dream. Another 30 minutes had past and I was yet again left speechless and amazed.

  “So is she using your profession against you, can she do that being that she strips?”

  “She can do anything with the high priced lawyer she hired with my money. But, it’s cool; I don’t give a shit about the money. I just want to make sure that my son is safe and is not just being left with whatever nigga she’s with at the moment. That’s the shit that really burns me up. I know some of the dudes that she be fucking with and they are straight up trash. I’m talking about drug dealers, pimps, and stick up kids, but she doesn’t give a damn. All she cares about is money.”

  I watched as the hurt in his eyes turned into anger. His hand shook as the irritation of his place in life got the best of him. I sat quietly as he rolled up because I really didn’t have much to say. There really was nothing that would have made him feel better about what he was telling me. So as he lit up again, I turned the conversation to myself.

  “I don’t really know how to explain Breeze and I. I can’t say that I love him and I can’t say that I even like him all of the time. That’s kind of what I mean when I say that he’s just there. It’s not all bad with him, there are times when we are on a high and everything seems to be going okay. I’ve learned to somewhat read him and go along with his program, but, I, it’s---.”

  “What do you mean by go along with his program?” Lust asked as he blew out a big cloud of smoke. I took the blunt from his waiting fingers and tried to put my truth to words.

  “Breeze likes things his way and when you try to go against what he wants, he gets sour. It’s just easier to shut up and ride his wave. I just get tired of fighting with him all of the time. Because I am really alone back in LA, I guess that having him and his shitty ways is better than being alone. I’ve never really been good at that. The silence of loneliness drives me crazy.”

  “Can’t stand yourself, huh?”

  When he asked that it caught me off guard. I tried to think of what he could have meant by his question as I sucked my green treat.

  “I know that it’s a hard question to stomach, but don’t worry. I’ve been there. Being alone gives you too much time to think. It pushes you to look at what you have chosen to push aside.”

  “Have you ever regretted doing porn, does the thought ever make you sick?”

  He got a funny look on his face once I stopped talking, but I could read it.

  “This wasn’t my first choice in life but I say fuck it. I’ve done it and I can’t change that. Even if I quit fucking on film today, what I have already done will be on film forever.”

  He made total sense.

  “Do you like what you do; does it make you sick when you think about it?”

  I took a deep pull off of the blunt and said, “I choose not to think about it.”

  With that he moved on.

  “So what do we do now?” he asked. I handed him the weed filled cigar and reached for the remote.

  “Now I dance.”

  I moved my body to the music and gave him a lap dance. We put aside all of our bullshit and decided to act as if none of it existed. The more I danced the further away it all went, and with our bodies on fire, we headed to the bed to do what had been on our minds the whole time we were away from each other. He took off his clothes in record time. After the moments wasted with time apart, all we wanted to do was fuck the shit out of each other, and we did.

  Chapter 18

  “Okay, enough talking about nonsense, I’m ready to party.”

  Once I returned home from Las Vegas it was late into the morning. I didn’t even bother to unpack. I just dropped my suitcase by the front door and left it there. I knew I needed to rest, but I had so much anger and adrenaline still running through my body that I couldn’t sleep. I needed to try and relax. I walked over to our bookshelves, and lifted up the lid on our African decorated box that we turned in our blunt and weed spot. Between the three of us we always made sure there was at least a half ounce in there. I grabbed a blunt, and more than enough weed and then sit down at the dining room table. After I broke up the weed fine and small as I could, there was enough for two blunts but I thought FUCK IT and rolled one fat ass joint. I grabbed the blunt, lighter, and ashtray and went into the master bathroom. While I filled the tub up with warm water I lit the three juicy watermelon Yankee candles that I had in there. I undressed, leaving my brand new fitted suit on the floor wrinkled and messy but I didn’t care. I stepped in the tub and the water was hotter than I expected to be. I had to get used to it by slowly easing myself down into the water. Once I was all the way in up to my neck it felt great and it was just what I needed. I reached down beside the tub and grabbed the baby blue hand towel that matched the trim on the walls and dried my hands off. Then I reached down for the blunt and lighter and blazed up. I felt better, but couldn’t stop replaying the events in Jasmine’s suite over and over again in my head. The more I thought about it the more upset I got. I probably should’ve never smoked that morning and just took my ass to bed because halfway through the blunt I was fucked up. I couldn’t inhale anymore so I put it out then realized the water was a little too cool for my taste. I wanted to add more hot water, but when the water started draining out to make room for more, I thought about Ebony and Tyree and how I should be putting them out, not the water. I got a high idea and jumped out of the tub, dried off, put on some Calvin Klein sweat pants, and slipped on my comfortable Armani sandals. I ran to the garage to see if the boxes Ebony moved in with were still there. I found them folded up against the rear wall next to a case of boxes from Lowe’s that she never opened. I took all of them in the house along with some duct tape. Now all I had to do was decide was whose stuff I wanted to pack first. I started in the living room and since all of us had stuff in there I threw Tyree’s belongings in one box and everything that belonged to Ebony in another. I’m a neat freak so I knew whose books, CD’s, and movies belonged to whom so it was easy for me to sort through it all. By the time I finished the living room it looked half empty and sad. I moved on to Ebony’s room and picked up the pace. I thought about packing up everything nice and neat, but it hit me again that she didn’t care about me, so why would I handle her stuff with care? I didn’t bother folding any of her clothes which I was sure would piss her off, nor did I wrap any of her picture frames or glass objects in newspaper. I just starting throwing everything and anything in boxes until each one was filled. I was able to pack up everything except her large items that were too big to fit in boxes. Next, I got all of Tyree’s clothes, hats, and shoes out of the hallway closets and threw everything in large black trash bags. Finally, I packed up all of Tyree’s belongings that was in our bedroom and moved it all out into the living room. By the time I was finished I noticed the sun had come up, and I was exhausted. I knew everyone would be flying back into L.A. in a few hours, so I didn’t want to see them when they got home. I locked my bedroom door then lied down in bed as I grabbed my BlackBerry off the dresser so I could send Tyree and Ebony a text message which said “I took the liberty of packing up your shit. The boxes are labeled with your names on them. The garage bags belong to Tyree. I’m going to bed now and when I wake up I expect both of your trifling asses
to be moved out of my house.” I turned my phone off and put some ear plugs in my ears so I wouldn’t hear them when they came in and moved out. I didn’t want any disturbances and hoped to get a full eight hours of sleep. Before I knew it I was knocked out.

  It was a quarter after three in the afternoon when I woke up. I didn’t hear anything, but I could smell the weed coming from the living room. I dreaded going out there but I knew I had to, especially due to the fact that I was starving. I stalled by brushing my teeth, and washing my face. After I was finished I was ready to see which liar was still in my house, and had the nerve to be chilling on top of it. I walked passed Ebony’s room, looked inside, and saw that it was completely empty which made me smile. Then I saw the big cloud of smoke floating above Tyree as he sat on the couch with a beer in one hand, and a blunt in the other. I stopped and stared at him as I thought I KNOW YOU GOT MY TEXT. When he noticed me he put the blunt in the ashtray, and then jumped up.

  “I got your message. I know you don’t want me here, and I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but please don’t say anything and let me say what I have to say.”

  I looked at him like he was crazy but I didn’t say anything, I just waited for him to continue.

  “I am SOOOO sorry, baby. I never meant to hurt you. You’re a good person who didn’t deserve to be lied to, and disrespected like that. I don’t know what I was thinking cheating on you. I’m telling you man it was the power of the pussy. I couldn’t help myself. It didn’t help that it was constantly in my face all night every night. I know I fucked up and it’s my fault so I regret everything now. If I could go back and change what happened I would, because I know you love me and you have my back. That’s why I love you and I know it might take you while to trust me again, but I hope that you can forgive me.”

  Again, I wanted to believe him so bad but I put my head down because I couldn’t even look at him, and I started shaking my head back and forth.

  “PLEASE, Jamar don’t leave me. Don’t kick me out. I don’t have anywhere else to go. I know I can get a hotel room, but this my home and this where I want to be. I want to be with you forever. PLEASE give me another chance to make it up to you, and to prove to you that we’re meant to be together.”

  By this point he was on his knees begging as the tears constantly flowed down his face. To this day, I don’t know why I did what I did, but I chuckled as Lily Allen’s lyrics “at first when I see you cry, it makes me smile, yeah it makes me smile” played in my head but unlike Lily, after I laughed, I felt so sorry for him. I actually got down on my knees and hugged him. I didn’t say anything, I just let him cry and get it out. I knew I was stupid for feeling sorry for Tyree, but I loved him with all of my heart. I don’t know if it’s because he’s the third man that I’ve had a serious relationship with, the first boyfriend that I ever lived with, or if it’s because he was just so damn fine. I stopped hugging him and waited for him to wipe his tears away before I spoke again.

  “Tyree, what you did is killing me inside. I honestly want to beat the shit out of you right now, but at the same time when I look at you I just want to hug you.”

  “I know I’m so sorry, baby. I—”

  “Hold up! Let me finish saying what I have to say. I let you speak.”

  He shut up and nodded.

  “Every time I look at the couch I picture you fucking Ebony, to be honest everywhere I look I picture it. I think about how stupid and naïve I was to not realize what was going on sooner. You were probably fucking her all the nights we weren’t. Anyway enough about that, before I say anything else I need to know if there’s anything else I should know about? Are you done with the lying and cheating?”

  He shook his head up and down before saying, “No, that’s it. I fucked up with Ebony, but I haven’t lied about anything else, and I can swear on my life it will never happen again. I love you and I don’t know what I would do without you. Even though you now know my conscience is still bothering me, and making me feel bad and guilty about everything. Please forgive me, Jamar.”

  “I feel like such a dumbass right now. Anyway, look, Tyree, if I give you another chance there needs to be some rules in place.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “Well, for one, you can’t lie to me anymore. I don’t care how big or how small the lie is. You don’t have to lie to me about ANYTHING. Just be honest and I promise you whatever it is we can work it out as long as you tell me the truth. Second, you can’t cheat on me again. That’s unacceptable, and I don’t think I could handle it. Besides you get to sleep with a lot of people at work. If that’s not enough, and you still feel the need to sleep with other people then you shouldn’t be in a relationship, period. If you can do that for me then I’d be willing to forgive and TRY to trust you again.”

  “I can live with that because I’m never going to lie to you again, and fucking Ebony was a huge mistake. I was thinking with my dick and didn’t see the bigger picture, which is us. Baby, look at me, it will never happen again.” Tyree said while his eyes were still watery.

  “Everyone is going to think I’m stupid and a fool for forgiving you.”

  “Who cares what they think. It’s your life, and it’s what you think, and how you feel that really matters.”

  “Okay, cool, but first we need to move.”

  “WHAT?”

  “I can’t live in this house anymore, like I said before, everywhere I look I see you and Ebony and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. If you really want to be with me then prove it. Buy a house with me. There will be a lot more space for the both of us, I’ll sell this place, and between the two of us we can buy the house flat out. Oh, and before I forget, since the couch is ruined, you can buy us new furniture.”

  “Fuck it, let’s do it. Hell, I’m already packed.”

  We both laughed and then I smiled as I thought I can’t believe I’m doing this, but it feels right, and I happy again, kind of.”

  I didn’t waste any time because the next day I paid a visit to my realtor Tom Jenson, who found the condo I shared with Ebony and Tyree. I informed him that I wanted to sell it, and purchase a new home. I could see it on his face, and hear it in his voice that he was excited because he perked up so fast. That was without even touching his coffee that was still steaming and sitting on his desk. Realtors love dealing with people who are ready to buy with cash or pre-approved loans like myself because they don’t have to work as hard to try and convince you to buy. That week, Tom showed us 15 houses in L.A. The funny thing about it was we ended up buying the very first house that he showed us. One of the reasons being the husband of the family selling it was wearing the same exact shirt as I was on the day we checked it out. He was 20 some years older than I was, so the fact that he was into the same clothing designers as us was surprising. Everyone started laughing and said that it was a sign. I’m a big believer in Fate, so the fact that we both had on the same shirt might have had a minor part in choosing that house, but truth be told it was the best one out of all the houses we visited. It had everything that I was looking for, and it was in our price range. It was a five-bedroom, four-bathroom single family home. It had a three-car garage, huge backyard, swimming pool with a connecting hot tub, and fenced in with a security pad driveway entrance.

  Tyree and I were finally settled in our new home so for our first party we decided to throw a house warming/cookout/pool party all in one. I had a strong feeling I’d be the one running around preparing everything, and stressing out while Tyree was high as hell playing video games. He should’ve gotten off his ass and helped me since the party was for the both of us. I asked him to help me twice, but I couldn’t make him and I wasn’t going to argue with him about it because that would’ve been a waste of time. At that point I didn’t have any time to waste, and I wished I said the party started at 3:00PM instead of 2:00PM. I just did everything myself and then I still had to get ready. I shaved and then took the quickest shower that I h
ave ever taken in my life. It was one of those showers that felt so relaxing that you don’t want to get out of, too. As soon as I was dry, put some lotion on, and was pulling up my swim trunks I heard the doorbell ringing. The one time I had hoped everyone would be late, like they normally were, they were actually on time, go figure. I wanted to be ready and have everything finished earlier so I could’ve relaxed and smoked before anyone arrived. Jasmine and DeeDee walked in first both looking sexy in their new bikinis. It was obvious that they had just left the studio because their hair, nails, and makeup were on point. I knew right away they weren’t getting in the pool with me. They looked good though. Unfortunately for the ladies, all of the men that were coming were gay. Besides the girls, the only friends that we invited were some of the other gay porn stars who worked with us.

  “Heyyy!” DeeDee said as she walked in.

  “What’s up, ladies? I’m glad you could make it,” I said with a big smile on my face.

  “Jamar, you know we wouldn’t miss it,” Jasmine said as she smiled back.

  “I got one question for you, Jamar. Where’s the alcohol at? I need a drink.”

  “There’s some Smirnoff in the fridge, some Coronas and Heinekens in the coolers out back, and if you want a mixed drink, there’s plenty of bottles to choose from on the bar. Help yourself, DeeDee.”

  “Where’s Tyree?” Jasmine asked as we watched DeeDee head toward the kitchen.

  “He’s in the other room playing the game. Why, do you want me to call him in here for you?”

  “HELL NO, I was just wondering if he was here or in Santa Barbara. It seems like every time we hang out lately he’s been out of town.”