No Going Back (Club Aegis Book 6)

by Christie Adams

  “You won’t escape that easily, pet.”

  His silky voice had an edge of steel to it, sharp enough to cut through the white noise of intense sexual pleasure. Her innermost desires gorged themselves on the pain he gave her. The agony doubled when he applied the second clamp, and doubled again when she felt a pull on the connecting chain.

  “You can try as hard as you like, Madeleine, but you won’t get away from it. Every time you move, the weights will move with you and make it worse.”

  She could vouch for that already. And it felt good… so good. She needed more. She’d been so long without this.

  Guy cupped one of her breasts, cradling it in his palm so he could play with the clamp and her nipple.

  “They’re not as perky as they used to be.”

  “They’re perfect.”

  She gave a self-conscious laugh. “You’ll have to explain that one to me, because I’m not getting it.”

  “They’re soft and full, and made for my mouth. The only breasts that have ever been perfect for me, so there’ll be no more talk of them being anything other than exquisite.”

  Warmth swirled inside her. If Guy wanted to talk perfection, she was looking at it right now. The salt-and-pepper in his hair added to his natural air of authority. As for that precisely trimmed beard framing his sensual mouth… it gave him a look of the devil incarnate. The black linen shirt, open at his throat, was an irresistible draw. Had she not been restrained, she’d have sat up and taken him in her arms. How many times had she nuzzled him there, in the dip below his Adam’s apple, and inhaled his scent deep into her lungs until he saturated her soul?

  “For the safety and security of all concerned, these rooms are constantly under audio-visual surveillance,” he said. “Sound and vision are on separate circuits. They can both be switched off, but if they are, there’s a failsafe in the system that prevents both being switched off at the same time. I gave instructions for the visual circuit in this room to be switched off, but audio is still active. You won’t be gagged, so you can safeword at any time. If you call red, the lights will flash in acknowledgement, and a Dungeon Monitor will be here in less than twenty seconds. Do you understand all that, pet?”

  “I do, Sire.”

  “Good.” He leaned over her, his weight on his hands, either side of her head. “I’m not going to hold back, pet. I did at home, because we were alone, but here you can call red if you need to, and know you’ll be safe.”

  “You’re implying I can’t trust you to stop if I need you to, when I know that’s not true.”

  The back of his fingers traced the line of her jaw. “Yes, but only a fool goes on a mission without a backup plan. I know you’re no fool.”

  Beneath his touch, her body hummed. Arousal coursed through her veins with every delicate, piercing gift of pain he bestowed upon her. This was what she wanted, what she’d missed for so long, ever since that freezing, snowy day when her former life had ended.

  Guy was relentless. Beneath his touch, she had no choice but to surrender to the tumultuous sensations rioting through her. Her body shook with the force of the climaxes he drew from her, so violent that, as she came down from the dizzying heights, she was barely aware of him loosening her bonds. He carried her to the shower cubicle, where he stripped off his clothes and held her under the spray, a sobbing, quivering mess. His deep, rich voice was as soothing as his touch as he cleansed her body with a gentleness that told her she was his treasure beyond price.

  Later, in the sanctuary of Guy’s arms, surrounded and protected by his love, Maddie felt the last of her defences crumble. Emotionally vulnerable now, she succumbed to the quiet voice of her conscience. She could no longer avoid telling him the truth, that for a heartbreakingly short time, he’d been the father of a beautiful baby girl, though their child had never taken a breath. Maddie had had the privilege and honour of holding their daughter in her arms, something he’d never be able to do. She’d counted her tiny fingers and toes, and kissed her goodbye before Mikhail had taken her away.

  When he’d returned without her… Even now, the pain sliced her to ribbons. Back then, Mikhail had held her through the bouts of grieving, and the guilt had multiplied. She’d wished his arms had been Guy’s, holding her as he was now, ready to defend her against the prowling demons eager to tear her heart to shreds.

  She would tell him. She would. If she could hold onto this moment just a little while longer…

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “Guy, I didn’t tell you everything that happened in Moscow.”

  Maddie heard herself saying the words as if some external force had taken control of her voice. If she didn’t tell him the truth, the secrets she’d kept from her Master would only fester until they poisoned their relationship. And that was when, not if. If it spelled the end of that relationship now rather than at some undefined point in the future, so be it. After all, wasn’t it better to rip the sticking plaster off quickly?

  “Does it matter? After all this time?”

  He had a point. For a moment she wondered if she was doing this for her own benefit, rather than the good of their relationship. At the same time, though, he had a right to know. If it meant he hated her… that would be her punishment to bear, and one she deserved.

  “I think it does.”

  “Where do you think you’re going?” His arms tightened around her, effectively halting her exit from the bed.

  “When I tell you what I have to tell you, you may not want to be anywhere near me.”

  When his hold on her relaxed, Maddie didn’t know whether she was relieved or disappointed. Conscious of his gaze fixed on her, she sought the right spot from which to address him. This wasn’t the kind of news she had any right to deliver from the haven of his arms. She might never have that right again.

  “I’ve never told you about why I was sent to Moscow.”

  “You’ve avoided going into the details every time the subject’s come up. Why is that?”

  “Things happened on that mission I… I’ve been afraid to tell you about, but you have a right to know.”

  “This is what’s been bothering you?”

  Maddie nodded. “I left the country on the day of my funeral. Bratva activity was increasing exponentially, so my mission was to follow the trail to Moscow and infiltrate the group at that end.”

  “Hell, they sent you into that?”

  He stood and advanced towards her. She backed away a step before she could stop herself. “Please. Let me say this before…”

  “Before?”

  “Before I chicken out.” And this ends up destroying us anyway.

  Guy threw up his hands in a gesture of implied surrender. “Fine. Say what you need to, but understand one thing—it changes nothing between us.”

  Maddie wasn’t so sure. What she had to tell him was way beyond anything he could imagine. “Please, sit down. Let me finish. You already know I was involved with Mikhail Petrov. When I met him, he was a senior officer in the Moscow police force. As for how I met him…

  “I arrived in Moscow as Elizaveta Baratynskaya. My cover identity was a teacher with a dubious past. I gained access to the Bratva by offering my services to teach them English to a sufficiently high standard for them to pass as native speakers. Supposedly, it was to help them blend in more successfully in London.

  “Our contact on the ground worked quickly to introduce me to the inner circle, but after that I was on my own. Within a few weeks, everything changed.”

  She paused while a wave of nausea passed. She hadn’t thought about her mission in years, and would have given anything not to have to think about it now. Had she found her Master again, only to lose him once more? She folded her arms and hugged her stomach, swaying back and forth as if by doing so, she could somehow hold onto her ebbing courage.

  Her obvious distress brought Guy to his feet, but she couldn’t allow him to comfort her. “No, stay there. Please. I have to tell you this.”

  He hesitated
, but did as she asked. God, she’d miss that protective nature of his.

  “Everything happened at once. I met Mikhail, and he asked me out. I was still under surveillance by the Bratva—they were using my services, but they didn’t trust me. They saw this as an opportunity to obtain information from him. Pillow talk, and all that. At the same time, Mikhail told me he knew who I really was, a British agent sent to infiltrate the Bratva. He was a member of the high-profile team investigating them, so he suggested that we use the cover of a relationship to work together. I couldn’t find any reason to disagree. I knew something about the man, and I felt I could trust him.”

  “I take it there’s more to the story than that.” Guy’s voice was calm, but not quite neutral.

  Maddie nodded. Her arms tightened over her abdomen, in a futile attempt to quell the mass swirling in her stomach. There was no easy to way to tell him what came next. “He knew I was pregnant before I did.”

  She’d always thought the way men reacted to pregnancy announcements on TV and in movies was exaggerated. It turned out that real life could be every bit as dramatic. Guy went white, and when he next spoke, she realised why.

  “You had a child with him?”

  To be fair, she’d said nothing about the timing that would lead Guy to any other conclusion. She shook her head, heart breaking for what she was about to confess, knowing beyond any doubt he wouldn’t be able to bear being around her once he knew.

  “The baby was yours, Fawkes.”

  >>><<<

  Just like that, his whole life had turned to smoke and ashes.

  Alone in his apartment, in the darkness, Guy tried to come to terms with what had happened in the last few hours. So much hurt and grief—the last thing he remembered as she’d closed the door of her hotel room against him. What he’d seen in her eyes, he’d felt in his heart. Why hadn’t she allowed him to comfort her, so they could grieve together, for the daughter she’d lost and he’d never seen or even been aware of?

  One bombshell after another. Even now, he could scarcely believe it, but the hollow ache around his heart told him it hadn’t been a nightmare. One moment he’d discovered Maddie had been pregnant with his child, and in the next, she’d told him their baby hadn’t survived.

  A shaft of pure agony cut through him once more, as he recalled the way she’d then shut down on him. She hadn’t let him near her. In spite of that, she’d still been his priority. As they’d prepared to leave Aegis, she’d insisted on spending the night at a hotel. Guy had driven them both back here, where he’d tried to persuade her to change her mind so they could talk, but she wouldn’t be deterred. She’d gathered her clothes and toiletries together, and emerged from the bedroom to deliver the news that she’d found a hotel room. She’d asked him to call a cab, but he’d insisted on driving her there. He’d stayed by her side while she checked in and made sure they’d charge everything to him, then he’d escorted her up to her room.

  That was the last time he saw her. All that had happened since was that the pain had multiplied with the passing of every hour. Yet as he licked his wounds, Guy realised he had a choice. He could carry on wallowing in whisky and self-pity, and give up on his hopes for a future with Maddie, or he could man up and fight for that future.

  Giving up wasn’t in his nature. Maddie was in love with him, and God knew, he loved her the way he’d never loved another woman before or since. He wasn’t about to let go of that love without one hell of a fight. He’d grab a couple of hours’ sleep, get cleaned up, and then go to the hotel. He’d get Maddie to listen to him, and somehow he’d persuade her to give them another chance.

  That was all he needed—one more chance.

  >>><<<

  “It looks like you got as little sleep as I did.”

  For a heart-stopping moment, he thought Maddie might shut the door in his face. Thankfully, she opened it wider, a silent invitation for him to enter. He followed her in and closed the door behind him.

  “Would you like a coffee? I was just about to pour some.”

  “If it’s not too much trouble.”

  “No trouble at all.” She glanced in the direction of the seating area in the luxury suite. “You might as well sit down.”

  He took a seat on the sofa. Stomach tied in a tight knot, he doubted he’d ever been this nervous in his entire life. Unable to relax, he leaned forward, hands clasped between his knees, elbows resting on his thighs. This wasn’t going to be easy—then again, nothing worthwhile ever was.

  She set the strong, black brew down in front of him, and took a seat in the armchair. As she sipped her own drink, Guy figured he might as well do the same. He couldn’t help but smile at the first taste—she’d prepared it exactly the way he liked it.

  He was about to open the conversation, but Maddie spoke first.

  “I’m sorry about last night. I thought I was ready to have that discussion, but it turns out I wasn’t.”

  “I don’t think it’s the kind of conversation anyone is ever ready for.” He put his cup down. “It happened that last night we were together?”

  She nodded. “Contraception’s been known to fail. The signs were there, but I was in denial, I suppose, right up until Mikhail made me face the truth. He was a widower when I met him. His daughter was a young adult by then, but he remembered what that pregnancy had been like for his wife. He spotted the same signs with me. He gave me a choice—he’d facilitate my return home, or protect me if I wanted to remain in Moscow and continue with the mission.”

  “Did London know about your relationship with Petrov? Did you tell them about the baby?” If the answer to the latter was yes, he’d kill every last one of the bastards who hadn’t ordered her back immediately.

  She shook her head. “I didn’t want them to know—about either. I guess I should have told them about Mikhail at least, but my instincts told me not to. I hadn’t thought it through to what I’d do when I did eventually return—assuming I survived—but it became a moot point a few months later when I went into premature labour.”

  Raw wounds opened up inside him. He hadn’t been there when she’d needed him most. The spectre of if-only hovered by his shoulder once more. “Was Petrov there when…?”

  She nodded. “I felt so guilty. About Natalya—”

  “That’s what you called her?”

  Maddie nodded. “Natalya Summer. I gave her that middle name for you—it was the closest name I could think of without giving too much away.”

  His self-control could take only so much. Without another word, Guy covered the space between them to kneel in front of her. With his arms around her shuddering body, the final walls between them shattered.

  “I’m sorry,” she sobbed into his shoulder. “When I lost her… Mikhail was there when I went into labour. He was so good to me, but I wanted him to be you. He didn’t deserve that.”

  Guy struggled to breathe. She didn’t say a word as he stood and took her with him, or when he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

  In silence, they lay on the bed, grieving together and consoling one another, until Guy found his voice, gravel-rough with emotion, once more. “I should have been there for you. I wish I had been, but I’m glad you weren’t alone.”

  “Mikhail was a good friend, and a safe place for me, both before and after the baby. London didn’t know anything apart from the intel I sent back. I couldn’t let my personal situation interfere with the mission. What I was doing was too important.” She gave a short, humourless laugh. “You don’t need me to tell you how it goes.”

  No, he didn’t. Their work had saved lives—sometimes dozens, sometimes thousands—but it also created casualties among those who fought in the front lines.

  “You told me your cover was blown.”

  She nodded. “Mikhail investigated, as much as he could, but he never found out exactly what happened. All I know is, someone informed on me.”

  As he listened to Maddie’s story, Guy fought back wave after
wave of grief and rage. When her true identity became known to the group she’d been reporting on, their response was swift and without mercy. He listened with mounting horror as she told him of the nightmares she still had, about the agony of the three days she’d been held captive before Mikhail and his team had discovered where she was being held and come to her rescue.

  “The scars.”

  Again Maddie nodded. “Mikhail made sure I got the medical attention I needed, and used his influence to deflect any awkward questions. We both knew my time there was limited after that. Mikhail liaised with London to expedite my return, but then the threats against his daughter started. Yana was little more than a baby when her mother died, and when he realised she was at risk because of him, Mikhail asked me to bring her back with me.”

  “Did you love him?”

  He hoped for a denial—what he got was a non-answer.

  “Until you and I scened… I hadn’t been with a Dom since you.”

  “That isn’t what I asked, Madeleine.”

  She shuddered in his arms. “In a fashion, but not the way I love you. Our relationship was vanilla. Yes, I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him.”

  The sting in his eyes wasn’t tears. Sadists like him didn’t cry. “Have you been in touch with him since you left Moscow?”

  “Yes, but not for the reasons you think. He keeps me updated with intelligence reports on Bratva activities that might affect Yana, but that’s all. There’s no exchange of personal information. We decided—all three of us—that to keep Yana safe, we had to break off all obvious contact of a personal nature. She hasn’t seen or spoken to her father in over eight years.”

  “How old is she?”

  “In her early thirties now. When we got back, I set her up with a new identity and a place to live in London. She found herself a job, and once I was satisfied she was established, I cut off all contact, except for giving her a number to call in an emergency. I also told her what to do immediately if she needed help and there was a delay in getting that help to her. In essence, she’s been alone since we came back, except for the life she’s made for herself.”