Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  TEACHING TODDLERS?

  Not only can you teach a toddler, you must. Encourage autonomy by asking questions, and encourage your toddler to ask questions too. Skip the lectures. They invite avoidance or resistance, while questions invite thinking and participation. Toddlers can understand more than they can verbalize. Asking questions such as “What might happen if we cross the street without looking first?” helps with language development, thinking skills, and a child’s sense of autonomy.

  To Spank or Not to Spank

  Q: When my son was three years old, he was very good. The few times he was bad, I used to take him to his room and put him on the time-out chair and it worked. Now my daughter is three. She is always bad. I’ve done everything I can think of. The time-out chair didn’t work, so I tried telling her no, taking away toys, talking about why she was bad, and even hugging her a lot, saying what she did was bad and she should try not to do it again. The only thing left to do is spank. I never spanked my son, and my mother never spanked me. I don’t know if I should. If I do spank, which way is best? Should I use my hand or a belt? Should she be standing or over my knee? I want to do what is best for my daughter.

  A: Parents need to understand that their children are never “bad,” even though they may get into mischief. When parents understand developmental appropriateness, Erikson’s social and emotional stages of development, and temperament, even the definition of “mischief” will shrink. Your daughter is not “bad” any more than your son is perfect—they have different temperaments. (And even though your son’s temperament is easier to deal with, we worry that he might become dependent on the approval of others or fail to develop healthy self-worth. Children are not developing appropriate autonomy and initiative if they do not go through lots of exploring, experimenting, and testing of the rules.)

  Your daughter sounds normal for her temperament, not “bad.” The problem is that when punitive methods are used with “normal” children (who can have any of a wide range of different temperament types), it is the punishment that creates defiance, rebellion, and power struggles. All of the methods you have been using are punitive. (You are even turning hugs into punishment by telling her she is bad while hugging her.) We’re glad you have avoided spanking. Many research studies have shown that over time, spanking creates even worse behavior.

  So what should you do? Here are just a few of the many Positive Discipline tools you could try:

  1. Create a connection before correction: “I love you, and it is not okay to do what you are doing.”

  2. Ask for her help: “Sweetie, I need your help. What ideas do you have to solve this problem?” This question often invites cooperation instead of resistance.

  3. Turn it around and ask her how you can help her: “What do you need right now?”

  4. Tell her you need a hug. This is often enough to stop the spiral of discouraging behavior.

  5. Kindly take her hand and lead her to what she should do. If she resists, smile warmly and keep moving in the direction of what needs to be done.

  SHOW WHAT TO DO INSTEAD OF WHAT NOT TO DO

  Many toddlers go through a hitting stage. Believe it or not, when they do this they are not really misbehaving. It could be that they are frustrated and don’t have the skills to accomplish their goals. Many are just exploring possibilities by hitting (such as what happens when they hit the water in the tub). Have you ever watched parents hit children while telling them not to hit? Parents may also scold and say, “We don’t hit!” Watch the twinkle in a child’s eye and you can just imagine her saying, “Yes, we do. We just did.”

  Instead of hitting back or scolding, it is more effective to show a child what to do rather than what not to do. Increase your supervision during the hitting pattern of behavior. Quickly catch a hand that is poised to hit and say “Touch nicely” while showing her what this looks like.

  Eighteen-month-old Cecelia was going through a hitting phase. She would hit her mother in the face “for no reason at all.” Mom was just holding her. She would also hit the dog. Mom became more vigilant at supervision and started catching her in the act. She would gently guide Cecelia’s hand to stroke her face while saying, “Touch gently.” Mom would catch Cecelia’s hand as she started to hit the dog, and would guide her hand to stroke the dog while saying, “Touch nicely.”

  After this scene was repeated four or five times, Cecelia would raise her hand to hit and then look at her mom with an impish grin. Mom would say, “Touch nicely”—and Cecelia would.

  DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

  Patsy had her arms full. The diaper bag was slung over one shoulder, two overdue library books were gripped in one hand, and the car keys dangled from one finger. Patsy’s other arm cradled her two-month-old baby son. “Come on, Marissa,” she called to her two-and-a-half-year-old. “It’s time to go to the library. Let’s get in the car.”

  But Marissa wasn’t having anything to do with the idea. She stood miserably at the top of the porch steps with her arms stretched out toward her mother. “Up!” she insisted.

  Patsy sighed with exasperation. “You can walk,” she said encouragingly. “Come on, sweetie—Mommy’s arms are full.”

  Marissa’s small face crumpled. “Can’t walk,” she wailed, collapsing in a pitiful little heap. “Uuuuppp!”

  Patsy sighed and her overloaded shoulders sagged. Was it wrong to ask Marissa to use her own two legs? Would she feel unloved if Patsy didn’t pick her up?

  Marissa wants to be carried but she does not need to be carried, unless she is exhausted or ill. It is developmentally appropriate to carry an infant but less appropriate to carry a toddler. Understanding Marissa’s need for healthy autonomy will help her mother decide when to carry her and when to allow her to struggle on her own.

  Suppose you have a toddler who wants to be carried to the car. Instead of carrying her, you may stoop down, give her a hug (you may need to put a few things down first), and tell her you are sure she can walk to the car by herself. If she still whines to be carried, you might say, “I’ll hold your hand and walk slowly, but I know you can do it.” Even better, enlist her aid. “I really need your help. Will you carry my book?” Voilà! The tears dry up and everyone proceeds to the car, with mom carrying one less item.

  Yes, it seems easier to just pick her up and carry her to the car. Helping children develop the confidence and life skills they need is not always easy or convenient. But who said parenting would be easy? It need not be so difficult, either. Successful parenting is often a matter of knowing what is effective and what is not.

  DISTRACTION AND CHOICES

  Since it is normal and developmentally appropriate for toddlers to explore and want to touch, it is wise to provide them with areas where they can do so safely. In the kitchen, you might have a cupboard full of plastic containers, wooden spoons, and other items that can’t hurt or be hurt by your child. In the living room, you can provide a box of special toys.

  When your child wants to touch something that shouldn’t be touched or cannot be placed out of reach, such as a potted orchid, kindly and firmly pick him up and remove him from that item and place him by the toy box. Don’t slap or say “No!” Instead, tell him what he can do. “You can play with your toys. Look at the big truck. I’ll bet you can make it move.”

  It is also important to realize that words alone will not be effective in managing your child’s behavior—or keeping her safe. Rather than saying “No!” or “Don’t touch that!” from across the room, get up and go to your child. Make eye contact, then use kind, firm action to move her away from forbidden or dangerous objects. Relying on words alone often teaches children that they can safely ignore you. After all, there’s not much you can do from across the room.

  Toddlers are interested in exploring so many things that it is not difficult to use distraction at this age. When a toddler wants to touch something that isn’t appropriate, offer a substitute—or a choice of substitutes. “You can’t jump on the couch. Wou
ld you like to play with your truck or help me wash the dishes?” “It is time for bed. Which story do you want me to read when you’ve put on your pajamas?” “I need to talk on the phone now. You can play in your drawer (prepared in advance with age-appropriate items) or the pan cupboard while I’m on the phone.” One mom kept several activity baskets on top of her refrigerator, which came down only during phone calls. When she wanted to talk on the phone, she brought out a basket. Her daughter eagerly looked forward to a chance to play with these special toys. With simple additions—such as a new ball, a different-sized block, or a puzzle—the baskets remained intriguing. Offering choices and using distraction are simple and respectful responses to a toddler’s need for guidance.

  The Triple A’s of Autonomy

  Attitude

  1. Change your perception. Recognize your child’s developmental abilities, then calm yourself before responding.

  2. Recognize your child’s limited understanding. “No” is an abstract concept and one that toddlers do not fully understand.

  3. Accept that developmental timetables differ. Each child will develop in his own unique way.

  4. Value the process, not only the product. Make time to enjoy getting there or doing something, instead of focusing only on the destination or outcome.

  Atmosphere

  1. Provide opportunities for practice. Accept that skill-practice can be messy. Support mastery by making tasks child-friendly with scaled-down implements and small, easy steps. Remember, your child is growing brain connections.

  2. Encourage thinking. Involve your child in planning by asking “what” and “how” questions.

  3. Allow appropriate power. Provide reasonable chances to say no.

  4. Avoid power struggles. Give a hug instead of engaging in yes/no shouting matches.

  Action

  1. Be kind and firm. Follow through by doing what you say you will do.

  2. Teach by doing. Talk less, avoid lectures, and act instead.

  3. Show children what to do instead of what not to do. Again, avoid lectures and teach by modeling appropriate behavior.

  4. Offer limited choices (all of which are acceptable): “Do you want to wear the red pajamas or the blue ones?”

  5. Avoid open-ended choices, such as “Do you want to go to bed?” with its potential, unacceptable “no.”

  6. Use redirection and distraction—as many times as it takes.

  UNCONSCIOUS LIFE DECISIONS

  One thing children do not consciously understand and cannot verbalize is the unconscious decisions they are constantly making about themselves, about the world, about others, and about how they need to behave in the world to survive and thrive. They are making decisions based on their interpretation of their life experiences, and these early nonverbal, emotional responses or “adaptations” become part of the wiring of a child’s brain.

  When you distract your child by removing her from what she can’t touch and guiding her to what she can, what will she decide? She will probably realize that it is okay to explore, to try new things, and to learn about the world around her—and that some things are off-limits.

  Tools for Developing Healthy Autonomy

  • Provide security and opportunities to explore.

  • Remove dangerous objects and create safe boundaries, then let go and allow your child to investigate his world.

  • Use distraction, redirection, and kind, firm action to guide your toddler’s behavior rather than slapping, spanking, or words alone.

  • Allow your toddler to run, climb, and develop healthy muscles in a safe space.

  • Recognize the difference between your child’s wants and needs; you should always respond to his needs, but using good judgment about when to provide what he wants will help him learn character and life skills.

  • Teach skills and provide careful supervision.

  • Focus on connection, love, and relationship.

  I BLEW IT!

  Sometimes parents feel guilty when they discover new information, especially when it seems to point out mistakes they may have made. You may be saying, “Oh my goodness! That’s what I did! Have I ruined my child forever?” Absolutely not. As we say over and over, mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn—for adults and for children.

  Sometimes you will need to tell your child about your mistakes and start over. “Honey, I thought the best way to show you how much I love you was to do everything for you. Now I know that is not the best thing for you. It may be hard for both of us, but I need to help you learn how capable you are. I have faith in both of us. We can do it!” And it’s true. Don’t waste any time on guilt. You will continue to make mistakes; so will your child. Isn’t that exciting? If your child isn’t talking yet, you can convey the same message through the energy of your attitude and confidence.

  Understanding the importance of this developmental stage can help parents learn the skills and provide the atmosphere (at least most of the time) that encourage children to develop competence and capability that will serve them all their lives. Parents can also interact with their children (most of the time) in ways that invite them to make healthy decisions about themselves, others, and the world. Notice we said “invite.” We can never be sure how individuals will interpret their own life experiences and what they will decide about them. Notice, too, that we say “most of the time.” None of us—parents or children—gets it right all the time. Teaching, loving, and acting respectfully most of the time really is enough.

  A child may still feel frustrated and upset about not being allowed to touch whatever she wants. She may even have a temper tantrum. However, when supervised with firmness and kindness, she will have a much different feeling (and make different decisions about herself and about you) than when she is forced or punished.

  Children who are encouraged to develop a sense of autonomy usually make healthier decisions later in life. Children who are not allowed to develop a sense of autonomy will more often make decisions based on doubt and shame, which does not lead to the skills and attitudes you want your child to have.

  LOVE AND ENJOYMENT

  Understanding how important it is for a child to develop autonomy can help parents recognize that neither overprotection nor overindulgence is the best way to show the love children need. Instead, parents can have fun showing love by watching freedom and independence develop in their children and by enjoying the promise of confidence and courage in years to come.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Look around one room or area of your living space and identify the things your child should not touch. Decide how to move these items out of reach, or how to make them less accessible. Repeat with each room or area of your home.

  2. Take time to journal about your own reactions to your child’s desire for autonomy. How do you feel when she wants to do things on her own? How do you react? Is there anything you might want to do differently to encourage her sense of competence and confidence while still keeping her safe?

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  UNDERSTANDING AGE-APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR—AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

  Me do it!” This is the cry of the eager two-year-old who is trying to tell us, “I’m ready for big-time autonomy.” Although a sense of autonomy is an important step on the developmental path toward confidence and capability, it certainly creates challenges for parents. After all, wouldn’t life be much simpler if your child would just do what you tell him to?

  There is a difference between “misbehavior” and behavior that grows from a child’s inborn, developmentally appropriate need to learn and explore. Just because a behavior is age-appropriate, though, doesn’t mean it isn’t messy, frustrating, or challenging. You must still respond to it. Understanding age-appropriateness will keep you from taking your child’s behavior personally, and from reacting in ways that stifle his growing sense of himself.

  Jeremy is almost three years old, and while his parents often laugh that he is a “handful,” they delight in their son’s curiosity
and willingness to experiment with and experience the world around him. Jeremy’s mother discovered him one bright morning making a cake in the kitchen; he had stirred milk, raisins, two eggs (with shells), cereal, and lots of flour in the largest bowl he could find. Jeremy’s dad found him a few days later using pliers to investigate the inner workings of the vacuum cleaner. Jeremy, his parents have decided, needs invitations to help in the kitchen, a set of his own small tools (and nonelectrical objects to experiment with)—and lots of supervision. Despite the occasional mess, they’re happy to know that their son finds his world a fascinating and welcoming place.

  Marcus is also nearly three years of age, but Marcus’s world is a different sort of place from Jeremy’s. Marcus is most comfortable in front of the television. New people and places frighten him, although his parents often encourage him not to be “so shy.” Marcus loves the computer and tried to help his dad with his work, but something happened to Dad’s files and Dad got mad. Marcus would like to work in the garden with his mom, too, but after he dug a whole row of small holes, taking out mom’s newly emerging sweet peas in the process, she sighed the big sigh that Marcus hates and told him to go play in the house. It feels safer to Marcus not to have too many ideas, and to simply watch TV instead. When people raise their voices, he hunches into a small ball. It will take some time and a lot of encouragement for Marcus to show his curiosity again.

  AUTONOMY AND “DEVELOPMENTAL APPROPRIATENESS”

  Two- and three-year-olds like Jeremy and Marcus see the world as an exciting and fascinating place, especially as they develop more autonomy and a greater physical and intellectual capacity to explore. At the same time, however, they are often frustrated when they find they do not have the skills or abilities to accomplish what they want. Children may respond to these frustrations by withdrawing and adopting a sense of doubt about their ability to “conquer the world.” Adults can help develop toddlers’ confidence (and guide their behavior) by providing a range of opportunities, time for training, and encouragement for the many things children can do as they gain a sense of healthy autonomy.