Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  Our goal is not to make parents feel guilty about their choices. We do not advocate raising either overprotected princesses or overindulged tyrants. We do encourage thinking and confident action—yours and your child’s.

  What Is Effective? The Tongue in Your Mouth or the One in Your Shoes?

  Alfred Adler taught, “Watch the movement if you want to know what people have decided to do—even when they are not aware of their decision.” In other words, watch the tongue in the shoes (what they do), not the tongue in the mouth (what they say).

  Do you yell across the room, telling your child to put that phone or tablet down? Or do you walk across the room, remove the item, and put it away or turn it off yourself? Children do what they see others do. What does your child see? How much do you use technology around your child? What do you prefer to spend your time with, your device or your child? What does she believe you prefer?

  CAREGIVERS AS ALLIES

  With so many decisions to make, and so many unknown factors, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by rapidly changing technology. Many infants and toddlers are in the care of others while their parents are at work, exposed to whatever their caregivers decide is appropriate. If your child is in care for all or part of his day, you should begin a conversation with his caregivers about technology and mobile devices. What a child experiences at home influences his behavior at childcare—and the opposite is true as well.

  Children are influenced by what they see on screens. Your child’s caregiver may notice that your child is hitting or pushing more than usual. If the caregiver brings such issues to your attention, consider it an invitation to have a discussion about how what he views may be affecting your child and his behavior. Such discussions may help you be more conscious of the choices you are making. You can also make an agreement with your care provider about limits and expectations, and strengthen consistency between your home and childcare.

  RELATIONSHIPS MATTER

  One thing we know for certain is that relationships—how we interact with and learn to respond to others—are crucial to the life decisions we will make.

  Two-year-old Esperanza decides whether or not others can be trusted based upon her experiences of consistency and predictability in everyday encounters with those around her. She decides whether she can expect kindness and respect, and learns to give both when she experiences these important qualities. If she is subjected to constant criticism, she may decide to retreat or quit trying. And if she is spanked, she will be more likely to hit or hurt others to get what she wants.

  Every decision in the life of a young child is an important decision. You undoubtedly want to be sure your child is given every opportunity to make the healthiest choices possible. Television and other media expose children to both content and values. Are the messages your child receives in line with your own values and beliefs? The decisions you make about screen time may have more of an impact on your child’s beliefs than you realize.

  Time matters, too. Does screen time replace or outweigh time spent with adults and other children? Whether the interaction takes place over bowls of cereal, between children at childcare or on a playdate, or during a walk to the park, time spent with others builds skills and strengthens relationships. Does watching colorful animals bop each other over the head, or pressing buttons to a cacophony of beeps and pings, do that? Probably not.

  CONTENT AND LEARNING

  Parents pay attention to what is in the books they offer to their children. No toddler is likely to find War and Peace interesting bedtime material, but most enjoy Where the Wild Things Are. Content matters when it comes to technology, too.

  Much children’s media content markets itself as “educational.” Surely, if your child is learning the alphabet or how to count, this can’t be a bad thing, right? Well, there is learning and then there is wiring the brain. What is happening inside that brain when a screen is placed in front of it? Researchers are currently looking for the answer to this question, but the truth is that no one knows.

  Take a chubby finger and have it poke the belly of an on-screen kitten. The kitten wiggles its feet and meows. This toddler is learning that his behavior can elicit a predictable reaction (even though it may not be the same one a real cat might offer). Although this learning includes interaction, is it a valuable lesson? Research indicates that the mere light and action on a screen (rather than the content) has an impact on a child’s brain. The flashing lights and rapidly changing colors and figures may be influencing attention span and the development of nonverbal learning skills, and the screen’s light itself appears to affect sleep cycles. At the very least, be wary of offering your precious baby or toddler as a science experiment to the unknown world of technology. If you are unsure, unplug!

  LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

  One thing we are sure of: A child’s room does not need a screen of any kind. We can think of no reason for a child younger than three (or older, for that matter) to have a television, computer, or other screen in his room (in fact, older children score lower on tests at school when they have a screen in their rooms)—yet we know many do. A young child does not yet have the ability to choose his own viewing material wisely—no matter how well he operates the remote or can swipe his finger across a screen. Be sure that all screens are located where you can easily view them along with your child. Supervision is essential, at any age.

  Screen time can be addictive (as many adults have discovered), and it is far too easy to spend long hours in front of a screen when access is uncontrolled. A television or other device located in a child’s room encourages isolation instead of connection. When you combine addiction and isolation, you have a child who may be developing habits of “life numbness” instead of “life enjoyment.” When media screens are in a common room (such as the family room), family members have the opportunity to negotiate what to watch or play, when, and for how long.

  Is It Bookish?

  A common verbal trick among young adults these days is the use of “ish” as a suffix. One teenager we know looked out the window at the falling sleet and said, “Look! It’s snowish.” This semantic trick may be useful when it comes to screen-time decisions as well.

  Mobile devices have many uses. We have long understood that reading with young children is one of the best ways to encourage language development and school readiness. You may find it helpful to ask yourself, “Is this device used like a book? Can we call it ‘bookish’ ”?

  What are the properties of a book?

  • The experience is in your control. (You turn the page.)

  • Imaginations are activated; images are formed in the mind.

  • Thinking is encouraged.

  How does a book activate the imagination? Books invite us to create our own mental pictures. Books with pictures invite thinking through questions:

  • “What do you think Little Bear will do next?”

  or by tempting us to turn the page:

  • “Moo,” said the … (Hmm. What could it be? Turn the page!) … Cow!

  Now, apply these same criteria to a program on TV, the game or app on a tablet, or the images on a computer screen. Does it qualify as “bookish”?

  • Who is in control? (interactive versus passive)

  • Is the imagination engaged?

  • Is thinking encouraged?

  Watching images float and explode across a screen (no matter how entertaining), or repetitively pushing buttons to get a result, may be great training to play video games or operate drones, but it is passive at best and robotic at worst. (Not bookish!) Reading a book on an e-reader with Grandma and getting to turn the “pages” is much more bookish. Think about and define your own criteria for a book, then ask if a given type of screen time can be called bookish. If yes, use it sparingly. If no, don’t use it at all.

  FUN OR FACTS

  There is nothing wrong with having fun. Building a sand castle at the beach is fun—even if there are no architectural lessons involved. Running and p
laying tag are both fun and good exercise, even if they do not teach better writing skills. Sometimes playing a game on Mom’s smartphone is just plain fun. If it makes you laugh, there is nothing wrong with that, either.

  Still, are there better ways to have fun? Certainly. Playing peekaboo with Dad is more fun (and more helpful to learning and connection) than staring at a colorful screen game. Children need to learn how to engage with others, to be creative, and to enjoy interacting with other children and adults. As long as those remain priorities, the occasional use of a touch-screen game for fun is probably fine. Just be sure you can set reasonable limits and follow through with kindness and firmness—even when your child howls for more.

  CONTENT VERSUS COMMERCIALISM

  Much of children’s programming is marketing in disguise. Young children do not take in enough information during a brief commercial to prefer a product, so entire programs have become, in essence, commercials for toys, food, and other products. This means that the characters and the products they inspire are inseparably entwined, and designed to make your child want them.

  Parents must pay attention. First, watch what your child is watching, and watch with her. This allows you to know what values are being taught, what behaviors are being demonstrated, and what impact it has on your child. Watching programs together allows you to discuss with her what you are seeing, and influence the messages being sent. It is also an opportunity for your child to learn to think critically. Watching television or other programming is inherently passive; when you discuss what you’re seeing with your child, you will engage her interest and encourage her to think for herself.

  What do you think about the way that dinosaur grabbed the bone his friend was playing with?

  Is it a good idea to hit a friend who has a toy you want? How would your friend feel?

  What do you think the dinosaur could do instead?

  Watching together will also tell you what products a child is being encouraged to demand. If you, as a parent, feel that such marketing manipulates your child, you can use your pocketbook to make a statement by not purchasing these products. Better yet, turn off the program and do something creative and active instead.

  ALTERNATIVES TO SCREEN TIME

  Technology is enticing, and most parents want to provide wonderful things for their children. But are these devices really so wonderful? Should your baby be staring at the computer screen strapped to her car seat, or should she be looking out the window at the sky, the trees, or even at her older sister on the seat beside her? Believe it or not, you can purchase a potty seat that will hold a tablet computer. But does that mean you should? We don’t think so.

  Consider this issue carefully. Whatever you do, do it thoughtfully. Do not leave your child’s screen time to chance. Set reasonable limits; be kind, but be firm when necessary. Here are a few more ideas:

  • The library remains a great resource. Many children’s books are now available as e-books. Remember the “bookish” discussion? If there is one acceptable use for screens, this may be it. Reading a paperless book is still reading.

  • Another option is for childcare programs or caregivers to develop a lending library of toys and interactive (non-technology) games.1 Children will be excited about picking out counting blocks or puzzles to take home over the weekend, and families will get the benefit of these toys without the expense. The whole process encourages thoughtful play alternatives to screen time at home. (For more information on these topics, we have listed additional resources at the back of this book.)

  ARE YOU THERE?

  Conduct an experiment the next time you go to a playground, wait in an airport lounge, or go grocery shopping with your child. Look around. How many parents or caregivers are watching a child build his skill at pumping higher on a swing, marveling at the planes taking off and landing outside the window, or talking through their grocery list with a listening child? How many are talking on their phone, sending or reading text messages, or connecting more intimately with technology than with their child?

  Mobile devices are like money. They are not inherently good or bad; their value depends on how they are used. Your child is making important decisions in these early years about herself, about you, and about how the world around her works and what her place in it really is. What do you want her to decide? To believe? Do your best to be fully present for these precious moments of human connection and learning; make them a priority. You’ll have lots of time for technology when your child has grown up.2

  Cheat Sheet: Questions to Ask Before Any Screen Use

  • Does it replace or overshadow interactions with real people?

  • Does it replace hands-on experiences?

  • Is it “bookish”?

  • How might it affect my child? What might he decide, learn, or believe as a result of this experience?

  Unsure? Unplug!

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Make a commitment to switch off all devices, whatever they are, and try to be truly present the next time you and your child do something together. Whether it is time outdoors, shopping, or even waiting in a line, notice what is going on. Engage with your child; ask questions and invite questions from her. Practice listening carefully.

  2. Do some journaling about this experience. Ask yourself:

  How did it feel?

  How was it different?

  What difference did it make for me? For my child?

  3. Consider making family meals, or perhaps whole days, technology-free times. Turn off all your devices and focus on being truly present with your family members. What might happen if you did this regularly?

  1 See Beyond Remote-Controlled Childhood: Teaching Young Children in the Media Age, by Diane E. Levin (Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children, 2013).

  2 For more information, see Help! My Child Is Addicted to Screens (Yikes! So Am I.): Positive Discipline Tools for Managing Family Screen Time, an e-book by Jane Nelsen and Kelly Bartlett (www.positivediscipline.com).

  19

  WHO’S WATCHING THE KIDS?

  Choosing (and Living with) Childcare

  No matter how capable and competent you are as a parent, it is unlikely you will care for your child entirely on your own. Most adults must work, either in or out of the home, and for most families childcare of some sort is a fact of life.

  In thousands and thousands of homes across this nation, each working day begins with the ritual of packing lunches, gathering backpacks, precious stuffies, or jackets, and getting children to their childcare facility. Some children go to friends’ or relatives’ homes, some stay home with a nanny, while others spend the day in centers or home childcare programs. For thousands of such parents, childcare is a necessity, and choosing the best care for the available money is their main concern. Still other parents remain at home, believing that only a parent should care for a young child, and that childcare is a poor substitute. Each family has unique needs and often conflicting beliefs to reconcile. Listen for a moment to the voices of two different parents:

  Q: I have read that you feel that mothers who work do not have a negative effect on their children. Could you please expand on this? Radio programs, newspaper articles, and magazines offer such conflicting advice that I feel really confused. At the present time it is not possible for me to quit my job, because my husband is bedridden with a back injury. My son spends about nine hours a day at childcare. Will this have a negative impact on him? I feel terribly guilty. I love my son more than anything and want to be with him, but I can’t be. Thank you.

  Q: My neighbor just came by for a visit. Her son Joseph attends childcare three days a week while she works at a part-time job. Joseph is two months younger than my son, and yet Joseph can count and write his name and knows all his colors, while my son does none of these things. I am a full-time mom at home with our son all day. I feel really inadequate whenever my neighbor and her son visit. I am worried that my son will be behind when it is time fo
r him to begin school. Our money is tight, but should I look into putting him in a preschool?

  A: Most people hold strong opinions about who should care for young children and the benefits of early education versus the value of being at home with a parent. We believe that where or from whom a child receives care matters less than the quality of the care itself. “Quality” childcare supports the development of healthy self-worth, emotional well-being, learning and brain growth, and the ability to form healthy relationships with other people. Children need healthy connections with their caregivers and parents. If a parent must be apart from her child, she needs to nurture strong connections during whatever time is available to do so. And there are numerous ways to enrich learning in the home, even with limited resources.

  Many mothers seem to feel guilty whether they stay at home or not. Feeling guilty does not do anyone the least bit of good. Neither does being judgmental. Everyone makes choices based on his or her own situation and beliefs. Young children love to be with their parents, and we know that the bond of mother, father, and child is vital. But this bond does not thrive only in isolation. Children can learn and grow in many different settings.

  IS CHILDCARE HARMFUL?

  Roslyn, one of the authors and the mother of four, shares her experiences as a stay-at-home mom with her first two children, and then as a working mom with her two youngest children in childcare:

  I stayed home with our two oldest children throughout their first three years. When our second child turned three, our family opened the Learning Tree, a Montessori childcare center. In many ways, our two youngest children had the best of both worlds. They were with their parents, since both their dad and I worked at the childcare center, and they also took part in a wonderful childcare program each day.