Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  “If you don’t mind, Sir.”

  “I don’t mind, I just wonder what it is you’re afraid of?”

  Sally said, “Tex, you have the conn. We’ll be in the Captain’s ready room.”

  Tex said, “Aye, Ma’am. I have the conn.”

  Once we were in the ready room, Sally said, “Gene, privacy please.”

  Gene replied, “Yes, Ma’am.”

  Sally said, “Captain, this is embarrassing.”

  I said, “I only have embarrassing things happen on days that end in ‘Y’. You’re good, I think.”

  Sally said, “Back in the day, we trained and trained, but we never had any real action. I know all the theory, I’ve done all the sims, but I don’t have confidence that I could handle the ship in a real emergency.”

  I asked, “What have I done, to make you think I have anything but the utmost confidence in your skills?”

  Sally replied, “You haven’t done a thing to make me think you lack confidence in me. I’m the one with no confidence. Gene and the crew are depending on me to make the right choice, and I don’t know if I can.”

  I said, “Gee, welcome to the club. I’m making this up as I go along. So far, we’ve been lucky, and the Gene is the meanest thing in space, as far as we know. I’m just trying to train fast enough to keep ahead of events. I wouldn’t want you sitting in the big chair if you had complete confidence. You have to be able to doubt yourself, in order to see where you may have failed to consider everything.”

  Sally replied, “But Boss, you always make things happen, and they come out so well.”

  I said, “Most of the time, I just figure out which crew member has the right skills to accomplish what needs doing and turn them loose. Generally, all I have is sense enough to stay out of the way, while someone who knows what they’re doing gets the problem solved.”

  “But you always act so confident.”

  I said, “That’s basic leadership. Always act confident, especially when you’re not.”

  Sally said, “Really? You’re just ACTING confident?”

  I said, “How am I supposed to know how to do this job? We just found this ship two or three weeks ago.”

  “I see your point. It seems to be working for you.”

  I said, “So far. Sooner or later, we’re going to find something I can’t bluff my way through. That’s when I’m going to need good backup, like you, to bail me out.”

  Sally said, “Thanks for the confidence, Boss, but I’m not sure it’s deserved.”

  “I am. You’ve got me training and doing sims so that we have a chance when things turn bad. Now go and run this ship. I’ve got chili to cook.”

  “Yes, Boss. I’m on it.”

  Sally left, and I headed out to go to the landing bay. My comm rang. The caller ID said it was Dee. I answered, “Bob Wilson.” Dee said, “Hi, Bob, I can’t get ahold of my Old Man. Is he alright?”

  I couldn’t resist. “When I saw him last, he was headed out to see some floozy he had took up with. Probably still in FTL.”

  Dee sputtered a little, and then realized what I had said. “Some floozy, you say? Bob Wilson, you son of a used-car salesman, I’ll get you!”

  I replied, “Well, what would you call a woman who shakes her hind end for dollar bills?”

  “That was just the once, you ornery outfit! You say he’s headed this way?”

  I said, “He left out last night, our time. I’d say he would be due in twenty-four, maybe thirty-six, hours. You need him for something special, or just in general?”

  Dee said, “I’m just lonesome, with everybody gone.”

  I asked, “What about Phillus? Isn’t she keeping you company?”

  “She went down to visit her uncle Rangolus, and her cousin Other Max. I’m beginning to wonder if we need to check into whether the autodoc can fix problems from marrying your cousin. They seem to be awfully friendly.”

  I said, “What about Joanna?”

  Dee said, “Max has her working on the bugout plan. She’s staying here, but by the time she gets home, she’s too tired to do much.”

  I asked, “Is there a reason Max is working so hard on the plan?”

  “Just you guys finding all those ships the different countries caught and tried to fly. He’s afraid somebody is going to screw around and get the Earth recognized before we’re ready.”

  I said, “That sounds like a reasonable worry, I suppose. Does he have anything more to base it on?”

  “Not that I’ve heard. He’s got Joanna about ready to load up and come out to where you are.”

  I said, “I’m sure it could come to that, but I don’t think we’re there yet. Mike and Tina would give us some warning, don’t you think?”

  Dee said, “I’m sure they would. Max is a worrywart, you know that. You guys aren’t here for him to worry about, so he has to make things up.”

  I said, “I’ll get Nikki to call him, maybe she can calm him down.”

  Dee said, “Sounds like a good idea. I’ll talk to you later, Bob.”

  “Later, Dee.”

  We made it to the galley. I told Snitz to stay and went back to the kitchen to see Ruth. She saw me and said, “Hi, Boss. Hungry again already?”

  “Nope. I need some kitchen help down on the planet. Do you suppose you could come with me?”

  Ruth replied, “Of course, Boss. Sally already asked me. I was just messing with you. You ready to go now?”

  I said, “I think so.”

  “When word got around that you were cooking today, I had Abe soak some beans for you, half and half, pintos and kidneys.”

  I asked, “How did you figure that out?”

  Ruth said, “I looked at Topper’s video from the last chili supper.”

  When we made it back out to the dining area, Nikki was sitting at a table petting Snitz. I said, “Morning, Space Cadet.”

  “Morning. You headed out to cook chili?”

  “Walking Bear already brought in two deer to go in it, I think he might be disappointed if I didn’t.”

  Nikki said, “I’ll be down after I get some breakfast, if you need any help.”

  I replied, “I’ve got Ruth for kitchen help, but there is something else I need.”

  “What’s that?”

  When we came up for air, I headed out to the launch bay to catch a ride. Scotti saw me get off the transit and came over. She said, “Looking for a ride down to the planet, Boss?”

  “I am. Any suggestions?”

  Scotti said, “Fly safe. Sally’s bad enough with you just off the ship. If we have to put you in the autodoc, I’ll have to take her down for maintenance.”

  “I meant a recommendation of what ship to take, Scotti.”

  She said, “I haven’t worked up a Captain’s Gig yet. Take anything that isn’t tagged out.”

  Ruth said, “I know a good one to take, Boss.”

  I replied, “I just ate, don’t go having too much fun.”

  Ruth said, “I’ll be good, this time.”

  I said, “Later, Scotti.”

  “Later, Boss.”

  Ruth took me to the ship she had picked out. It was a small freighter, not special-looking at all. Once we were strapped in, Ruth got clearance to take off. She said, “You want a closer look at the new village?”

  I replied, “Maybe on our way back. We need to get that chili cooking, or it won’t be ready by supper time.”

  Ruth said, “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go. Ozzie built this little beauty from the ground up to take bigger emitters. She won’t haul much cargo, but she will haul the mail.”

  We were down pretty quick. Ruth said, “I like this ship. I wonder how I can get Ozzie to build me one like it?”

  I said, “Wait a week or two, he’ll figure out how to build a faster one, and he’ll give you this one, if you ask.”

  “You really think so, Boss?”

  I said, “You know Ozzie, what do you think?”

  Ruth said, “He put everythin
g he could think of in this one, Boss. Unless Frank comes up with some new stuff, I think this is as good as he can do.”

  I said, “Dangit, Ruth! What is our motto?”

  “Murphy is our shepherd?”

  “Exactly right. You’ve just guaranteed that Frank is going to stand our understanding of physics on its head again.”

  Ruth said, “You worry too much, Boss.”

  “It’s all part of sitting in the big chair, Ruth. Let’s go cook chili.”

  We found the fellas with the venison in a cook shack. I commed Abe. “Morning, Boss. What can I do for you?”

  I replied, “Drain those beans you’ve got soaking, and bring them to the cook shack.”

  “I’ll get right on that, Boss. Do you suppose I could go out with the next building crew? It sounds like Andre is having a whale of a time.”

  I said, “Train me up a sergeant of the guard that you trust, and you can go anytime you want.”

  “That’s our Captain. If you want something, it’ll cost you something.”

  I said, “Value for value, Abe. That’s what makes the world go ‘round.”

  “Gotcha, Boss. My boys will be there with your beans shortly. Need anything else?”

  “Do you know where Steve put those spices and stuff he hauled in? I’m going to need some power to run those slow cookers, too.”

  Abe said, “I’ll have my boys take care of that after they bring you the beans. What kind of power requirements do you have, Boss?”

  I said, “I have yet to see the cookers Steve brought with him. They should have data plates that tell what they need.”

  “This is beginning to sound like quite an operation, Boss. Mind if I round up some extra help?”

  I said, “Grab whoever you can get. I need to get this stuff in the pot if it’s going to have time to simmer like it should before supper.”

  “On it, Boss. We’ll get you set up.”

  I said, “Thanks, Abe. Talk to you later.”

  “Later, Boss.”

  I asked, “Ruth, can you get us some skillets hot? We ought to sear this meat before we throw it in.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  Will spoke up. “We can butcher these deer, if you and these boys will prep it for the skillet.”

  I said, “Bill, Diego, are you guys in?”

  Diego said, “You betcha, Boss.”

  “Grab a knife you like. We want cubes about three quarters of an inch or so.” We got an assembly line going, and Abe’s bots started bringing in the things we needed. The bot working on getting power to the cookers said, “Boss, is this right? It says sixty hertz. Six or seven times that would be safer.”

  I replied, “I know. We found that out after we had too much money sunk in sixty hertz equipment to change. Just give it what it wants, we’ll change the world another day.”

  He said, “On it, Boss.”

  Some Marines came in with the pots of beans. I asked, “You drained these and rinsed them?”

  The one in charge spoke up. “Yes, Boss.”

  I looked in their pots. Pintos in one, kidneys in the other. I said, “Okay, this is where it gets complicated, fellas. I need half of each pot in each of these cookers.”

  “Gotcha, Boss.” One team set their pot down, and all the bots carefully poured the beans into the cookers. I told them, ”Now go get those pots full of good, clean water, and put one in each cooker. More ingredients showed up, and I had Ruth doing the multiplication to get the quantities right. Walking Bear showed up with a couple of huge spoons he had carved us to stir the big cookers with. He said his mate was very happy with the new addition on their house, and he was hoping that he, also, could join the Brothers of the Wind. I said I thought that was just fine, and he wandered off smiling. It soon became clear that we had more meat than we needed. I thought for a minute, and then it came to me. We could make jerky with what we had left. I commed Abe. “Yes, Boss, didn’t we bring everything?”

  I said, “You brought everything we needed. I have a new job, if you’re up to it.”

  Abe replied, “That sounds like a challenge, Boss.”

  “I need a smoker, big enough to jerk a whole deer at a time. I don’t want to cook the meat, just dry it out. Say two hundred degrees, Fahrenheit.”

  Abe said, “Good thing I recorded that, Boss. I’m going to have to look up a bunch of stuff, but I think I know the kind of thing you’re talking about. We’ll have it for you shortly. Talk to you in a bit.”

  “Bye.”

  Then I commed Dee. “Hi, Bob, what’s up?”

  I said, “I was wondering if you could get ahold of Susie Collins, see if she has any jerky recipes that aren’t secret. I’ve got a deer I need to do something with.”

  “Sure Bob, but why didn’t you call her direct?”

  I said, “I don’t know her comm code, and I’m dang sure not smart enough to patch into the cellphone network from here.”

  Dee said, “Silly man. I’ll give her a call and have her call you. Talk to you later.”

  “Thanks, Dee.”

  “You’re welcome. Bye.”

  Nearly as soon as I hung up, it rang again. “Mr. Wilson, what can I do for you?”

  “Well, Susie, I’ve got a lot of venison I need to do something with. I was wondering if you knew any jerky recipes that aren’t secret?”

  Susie said, “What spices do you have to work with?”

  I rattled off everything I had, and she thought a minute, then gave me the proportions for a rub to put on before I put it in the smoker. I thanked her and gave Ruth the recipe for the rub. I told Diego and Bill, “Let’s cut the rest of this thin, across the grain, we’re going to make some jerky with the extra.”

  By the time we had the meat ready to hang, Abe had showed up with the smoker, and gotten a fire going. Abe had put in plenty of racks, so we were able to get all the jerky going at once. I checked the cookers and sent the marines after more water to thin the chili a little. Once that was done, we all got cleaned up, and Will said, “It should be about lunch time up at the village, if anybody is interested.” Ruth said, “Go ahead, Boss. I’ll keep an eye on things.”

  When we got to lunch, Nikki was there, helping. I said, “Hi, hon. How’s it going?”

  “Doing okay, Caveman. How’s the chili?”

  I replied, “I think we got it together quick enough to be ready by suppertime. Cooking for so many is challenging.”

  “I’m sure it will be great, as always. Did you remember extra garlic?”

  I said, “Ruth did. I would have probably let it slide.”

  “Naughty, naughty, Caveman. Remember who you’re cooking for.”

  “Just an oversight, no need to worry. I wonder how many inductees we’ll wind up with tonight?”

  “What do you mean? I thought this was just for Knocks Hard.”

  I said, “I did too. Then Walking Bear asked to get jumped in. I’m sure there are others I won’t hear about till tonight.”

  Nikki said, “You never can tell, you might collect a few Sisters of the Wind while you’re at it.”

  “I believe you would say, ‘The more, the scarier.’”

  “Ouch. I need to remember to duck when the puns are incoming.”

  “Oh, I almost forgot. I need to ask you a favor.”

  Nikki said, “Not till tonight, after we get back on the ship, Caveman. A lady has her dignity, don’t you know.”

  “Well, if you’re sure. That wasn’t what I was talking about, anyway. Dee asked me to have you call your Dad and see if you could calm him down a little. Seems like he is convinced the Patrol is going to bring Earth into the Commonwealth any day now. He’s driving Joanna crazy with bugout preparations.”

  Nikki replied, “Sometimes he gets wound up. I’ll see if I can take some of the wind out of his sails.”

  Pouncing Fox heard that, and asked, “Wind, sails, what are you talking about?”

  I said, “It’s an expression from Earth. A kind of boat we used to use
a lot has large pieces of cloth, called sails, to catch the wind, and go from place to place. If you don’t have wind in your sails, you stop and can’t get anywhere.”

  Pouncing Fox said, “I understand. If she ‘Takes the wind out of his sails’, he will stop what he is doing.”

  Nikki said, “Exactly right. He’s worrying too much, and I want him to settle down and quit bothering people.”

  Pouncing Fox replied, “Will the Deen-Goose not settle him down, when he gets there?”

  I said, “It would be easier on Max if Nikki was the one to settle him down. Dingus still thinks of him as a little boy. He would be rougher on him.”

  “Why is that?”

  I replied, “Dingus was in the box-that-heals for a long time, while Max grew up. He still hasn’t completely accepted that Max is a grown man.”

  “Oh, I understand now. When we got back, my parents thought I was still the same girl who got taken. They didn’t understand that I had changed while I was away.”

  Nikki said, “Is it better, now that you’ve been home?”

  “Not really. That is one of the reasons I came to learn how to fly with Morning Flower. She didn’t know me before, she doesn’t expect me to be somebody I’m not, anymore.”

  We all sat down and thanked the animals’ spirits. Lunch was good, I hoped my chili would measure up. Nikki caught me drifting off, and asked, “What are you thinking about, Caveman?”

  I said, “Things have been remarkably calm since we got here. I’m just waiting for it to happen.”

  Nikki replied, “You think Murphy is just waiting for the right time to slap us upside the head?”

  I asked, “Do you have a reason to think differently?”

  “No, Caveman, I don’t. Wish I did, though.”

  Zoom and Nunya came running up. I knew it was serious when Zoom snapped to and saluted me. I returned her salute, and said, “What is it, Zoom?”

  “Scotti says she needs us aboard ten minutes ago, Sir.”

  “Go ahead. Take the ship I came in on, it’s fast.”

  Zoom looked frustrated, “She needs you, too, Sir.”

  I asked, “Can you help Ruth look after the chili, please, Space Cadet?”