Love's Wall

by Karen Deen

  “I am so full, I’m not sure I can move. You might have to roll me out of here when we are finished.” We both laughed together at the vision of Emily being rolled out of here.

  “Not sure it would be very ladylike, but sure, I can arrange that for you if that is what you need. I am guessing you don’t want any dessert then? I am going to grab another coffee, would you like one?”

  “Are you kidding, Zach? I couldn’t possibly eat another thing, but another coffee sounds great.”

  When the waitress came to take our order, I also added three chocolate donuts in a takeout box. Emily eyed me as I asked for them and I smiled and winked at her. After the waitress left, I leaned over and whispered quietly, “They are for Samuel and Sophia, a treat after school. I also snuck one in for their Mom in case she felt like it with her cup of tea after putting the kids to bed tonight. Nothing like a little chocolate to relax before bed. Maybe instead of tea, a nice glass of red wine?” I looked at her eyes to see the reaction I would get. Expecting a smile, I was shocked to see tears. Emily was trying hard to keep them contained.

  “I’m sorry, Em, I didn’t mean to upset you. Did I do something wrong?” I just couldn’t seem to get things right today, no matter how hard I tried.

  Drawing in a deep breath, she looked up and, in a small whisper, replied, “No, you didn’t upset me. It just caught me off guard. I am hopeless lately. It’s just, nobody has ever done something so sweet for me and the kids. You didn’t need to do that, but I am sure the kids will love them. Thank you, Zach.”

  Again, she looked down trying to get herself under control. I sat back in my seat, looking at Emily. I mean really looking at her. What I saw was a very strong and beautiful woman who was hanging on by a thread. She had been struggling on a day-to-day basis for so long that she was just about at the end of her rope. Why had nobody ever held out a hand to this amazing woman? I just couldn’t understand it. Well that was changing, right now.

  “Make sure you tell the kids they can only have them if they’ve done all their homework,” I said, trying to lighten the mood and make Emily smile again. The corner of her lips began to rise and the water in her eyes disappeared.

  “Well, Sophia won’t be a problem, but I can hear Sammy groan from here. Reading is not his favorite activity. He does struggle a little with his reading, so it is a big drag to him.”

  “The best incentive I can think of is a chocolate donut. I’m sure the reading will be done in no time.” I paused for a moment, thinking how I was going to approach the next part of the conversation. “Emily, can we have a chat about the job and house? I know it must seem a scary thing to even think about. I am someone you barely know and here I am, out of the blue, offering to take you and your kids out to my farm to live and work for me. I understand it must be making your head spin, but please listen. Could I take you out there tomorrow while the kids are at school to have a look at the farm and the caretaker’s cottage that you would be staying in? I can invite my two sisters to come with us so you are not alone with me. I expect you to be wary and, in fact, I would be annoyed with you if you weren’t! After you’ve been there, I know you would see what a great place it would be for Sophia and Samuel to grow up. Your job would be a housekeeper. You’d have to keep the main house clean, and do the shopping, washing and prepare nightly meals for me to heat up when I get home. I would occasionally need you to run errands as well. There will be a car for you to use at all times, as part of your job. You could work around school hours. Your accommodation will be part of your conditions and I will pay you a salary on top of that. We can work it out when you agree to take the job.”

  Finally, I stopped to take a breath. I was rushing to get all the details out before Emily could cut me off and say she wasn’t interested. My leg was shaking under the table waiting for her to say something.

  Emily was just staring at me with a blank look. I was trying to read her face to get a clue to her thoughts, but she gave nothing away. I sat there for a while to give her time to digest everything I had just said.

  Keep going, Zach. You need to sell this like you would if you were pitching a new property to the family in a meeting. Don’t give her a chance to ask questions until you get it all out there.

  “It would be a really great place for the kids to grow up and be safe. There is plenty of open space for them to play in the sunshine and enjoy the fresh air. They could learn to help with the animals and experience the life of a country child, while still being close to the city. We would be close enough that they could still go to the same school. There’d be no disruption for them and they wouldn’t have to worry about making new friends. Best of all you, could relax and not have to worry about sleazy landlords or being away from the kids. There would be no rushing to work each day and spending so much time on the bus and subway. Please, just let me show you tomorrow and make a decision after that.” I sat there looking at her, willing her to say something, anything. Silence stretched between us and I could hear my heart pounding so hard with the anticipation of her answer. I only had one more thing to say that would hopefully get me the answer I was desperate to hear.

  “Emily, please let me help. All I want is to be your friend and to keep you and the kids safe and happy. Please trust me.”

  Emily

  My head was swimming with everything Zach was offering.

  It all sounded amazing, but nothing good ever happened to me. I learnt a long time ago that if it was too good to be true, it usually was. I didn’t know what to say.

  I kept looking at Zach but was finding it hard to speak. My mind was a scramble. What had brought Zach into my life? There has to be a reason he was here right now offering me the world. I felt like a child in a toy shop but knew I had no money to purchase. I looked at Zach across the table and I felt like time was standing still. He was asking me to trust him, but trust was something I didn’t know how to do. It had been so long since I trusted anyone. I was too scared to ever give anyone a part of me to look after. I was behind the wall I had built to keep the kids and I safe. Not only did it keep us safe but it stopped me from getting hurt. I could never let that wall down again. But had Zach asked that? No, he had just asked to be a friend to us. Nothing more. So why was I so scared to say yes?

  It seemed like a lifetime since he spoke and I knew I had to answer. I could hear Zach breathing while he anticipated my answer. I lifted my eyes again to Zach staring straight at me. His face was so gentle and compassionate. He gave me a warm glow, bubbling up into my soul. I didn’t even know him, but there was a weird sense of calm radiating from Zach.

  Could I trust him?

  “Zach, I have only just met you and this is a lot to take in. You are making me an extremely generous offer. I just don’t know what to say or how to deal with everything. My life has not only been turned upside down, but thrown sideways too. I have never relied on anyone before and always managed to cope.” I hesitated to say what I was really thinking, but I felt I owed Zach the truth. He was being so honest with me that he deserved to know what my real fear was.

  Zach was still looking at me, waiting for me to continue. I took a deep breath and tried to tell Zach my fears. My voice faltered as I whispered, “Zach, I don’t know how to trust anyone. No one has ever given me a reason to try.” My voice was weak, and I was struggling to stop the tears from pooling in my eyes.

  Why had I even confessed this to Zach?

  I don’t know what it was about him, but when he looked at me with those eyes, he pulled my inner most thoughts out of my soul.

  “Emily, that may have been the case up to now, but I can promise you that you will never be alone again. You are a very strong woman with two amazing children. I just want to help you. Please, just take the leap and at least come to look at the farm tomorrow. I promise you won’t regret it.”

  I contemplated what I had to lose by at least visiting the farm and seeing what Zach was talking about. What was my alternative? No home for us to live in and no job to
put food on the table. Would it hurt for me to look? Could it really be that Zach was genuinely trying to help us for no other reason than he was a good guy? Do they even exist? What would my Mom say about this whole situation? It was not often I thought of my Mom and longed for her to be there for advice, but today was definitely one of them. How I would love to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her. She was a strong woman who always listened. Mom could always come up with a piece of wisdom that made me look at things from the right angle. Come on, Mom, give me a sign here please. My mind is a scramble and I need some help.

  Looking across the table into Zach’s eyes, all my thoughts seemed to slip away. A sense of calm fell over me. He had a habit of doing that, I don’t how or why, but he was the calm to my crazy world.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I slowly opened my mouth to respond. My mind and heart were still conflicting over the answer and, to be honest, I didn’t really know what was going to come out of my mouth. “It sounds like a great opportunity for the kids and I, but honestly, it is also the scariest thing to take on. You are asking me to move out of the city with you, a stranger, and onto a property away from people. You tell me it will be a great place for the kids to grow up and we will be safe. This is totally crazy, and my head is telling me to be careful and protect my family. For some reason, however, my heart feels a sense of trust and is pushing me to take that leap you are talking about. God knows, I have no idea what I’m doing but – ok, I will take a look tomorrow. There are conditions, though. Firstly, no pressure if I decide against it you will respect my decision. Secondly, yes - I would like to have your sisters there. It would make me more comfortable. Thirdly, Samuel and Sophia are not to know anything until I have decided. Lastly, if I think at any time that this is not a genuine job and you are just trying to be nice and help me out, I will be out of there. I am not a charity case, Zach, just so we are clear.”

  Zach started to relax, and his smile lit up his face. He was trying so hard not to start laughing at me, I could tell. What the hell did I say that made him laugh at me?

  “Why am I funny, Zach, why are you trying to hold in your laughter?” I got a bit defensive looking at him.

  “I’m sorry, Em. You just look so tough when you put up your armor. I would never take advantage of you. Trust me, I know you are quite capable of navigating life all on your own. Look at everything you have done up to now! You are a strong and independent woman, nobody can dispute that. You just happen to be in the right place at the right time, looking for work and a home when I need someone. I know it all seems weird and everything is happening very fast, but I am glad you are prepared to just give me a chance to show you what a great match this could be for the both of us. Sorry I laughed, I was just holding my breath praying for you to say yes. When you did, but then put on the tough girl act and place your conditions on me, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was a relief you agreed to come with me. I promise you, won’t regret this, Emily. Trust me.”

  Again, my heart fluttered a little with his words. You could hear the confidence and tenderness in his voice and it was the most beautiful sound. The way Zach looked at me as he said, ‘Trust me’ really caught my attention. He was reaching out to me and I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep up my wall, to keep him at a distance.

  No matter how good this job and home was, it may still be a stupid idea. It could get very awkward, swooning over your boss while you live in his house. Maybe I should call it off now? Then again, who was I kidding? I was nowhere near Zach’s league. I was a single Mom with two small children who are solely dependent on me. I had no money behind me and my life prospects were not good. He wouldn’t even look at me that way. As he said, he was trying to be my friend. That is what I would have to remind myself every time my mind drifted to thinking anything otherwise. Maybe he could be the brother I never had?

  Oh God, who was I kidding?

  Who wants a brother you think is hot and had thoughts about that made you blush? I was so screwed!

  “It sounds easy, Zach, but not for me. Trust has never come easy. Let’s take one step at a time, one day at a time.”

  “Exactly. I am just glad you agreed to come tomorrow. This could be the first step to your new life!”

  “Oh Zach,” I chuckled “You don’t give up, easy do you?”

  “Not at all, so you better get used to it.” He looked at me so seriously I needed to reinforce those walls before tomorrow.

  Zach

  As I looked at Emily, I wanted to tell her everything I was thinking. The conversation I was having in my mind felt like I was saying it to her.

  “You’re right, Emily, I don’t give up easily. Not when it comes to you. You might not realize it yet, but you are mine and I don’t plan on stopping until you are safe and happy with me. If life wasn’t so cruel, I would make you mine in the true sense of the word and wouldn’t stop until I had you in my arms and under me in my bed. However, that was not what life had dished out for me. I will still be there to protect you and care for you as long as you let me. Never again will you be hurt, or feel the stress of life as you try to provide for your family. You are now mine to provide for and protect. I can do that from afar and just offer you friendship, but no matter what, I will always be here for you.”

  “Zach, are you okay? You zoned out on me for a moment.”

  “Oh sorry…yeah. I was just thinking of the plans for tomorrow,” I mumbled, trying to clear my head. “How about I pick you up in the morning and we can drop the kids to school, then we can pick up my sisters from the office on the way to the farm? Will that work for you?”

  “That sounds okay, but what will I tell the kids about why you are there? You know what they are like, especially Samuel, he is always asking questions. It never stops some days, it drives me batty!” She giggled to herself.

  “It’s great he is keen to learn so much, but then again, I don’t have to live with the constant questions. I still think he is great, though, a really cool little guy. And Sophia, well she just stole my heart! Let’s just tell them I was at the flats doing some work and offered to give you a lift. I am sure that will work for now. Does that sound okay?

  I looked at her waiting for her a response. All of a sudden, she looked apprehensive. “Em, it will be okay, just relax. Remember, one day at a time, okay?” I reached out and touched her hand on the table to try and calm her. A warm current ran straight up my arm and my heart started pounding rapidly. I could hear it in my ears and felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. Never had I felt that when I touched a woman. Not even Christina, who I thought was the one, but she turned out to be the one to crush me. This feeling was one that I couldn’t even describe, but I knew Emily was feeling it too. She tried to pull her hand away, but I wasn’t ready for it to be over yet. I wrapped my hand around hers, until I felt her relax. “I know I keep saying it, but I mean it. Just trust me and I promise I will make sure everything turns out okay for you and the kids. I have the feeling from our short time knowing each other that you are a special person and it is about time that life gave you a break. Maybe I am the break life is sending you. A friend, to be there as a support. Let me be that support.”

  I slowly moved my hand away allowing Emily the chance to retreat. I hoped she didn’t feel like I overstepped the mark by holding her hand. I didn’t actually know why I did it, but it just felt right at the time. I sure as hell didn’t regret the feeling that came as soon as I touched her. God, I wish I could continue to keep her hand in mine. I had an awful feeling I was going to regret it. It was going to be hard to be a friend to Emily and not want more. Hell, I already wanted more but knew I couldn’t. I would never do that to her, that is not the life she deserves. I was just going to have to stay strong and be the best friend she had ever known.

  Emily looked flustered and her cheeks had a shade of pink that was not from being sunburnt. I knew she had been affected. I tried to look away, give her time to pull herself together, but my phone started vibrating o
n the table and could see it was Zoe. I hesitated, but realized I had better take it as I had been gone from the office for quite a while. She was probably worried about me. I was due back there over an hour ago. I should have messaged her when I stopped, but I had been so keen to get in to the café to meet Emily that I wasn’t thinking clearly.

  “Take it if you need to, Zach, I know I am interrupting your work day. I should be going anyway.”

  “Please, just wait. Let me take this call and then we can discuss tomorrow. I will be one minute, promise!” I picked up the phone and swiped to accept the call, never taking my eyes off Emily and trying to hold her from leaving. “Hey Zoe, what’s up…I know, I know…I’m sorry, I should have messaged you. I am just having lunch with a friend and then I’ll be leaving shortly...no, I haven’t spoken to Luke, but I will call him once I am in the car…yeah, okay, I will see you shortly, thanks Zoe.” I was still looking at Emily who was looking down at her watch.

  “Sorry about that, Emily. Zoe worries about me. I’m sure she thinks she is my wife and not my secretary! Lucky I love her like a sister, otherwise I wouldn’t put up with her bossiness!”

  “That’s okay. I really need to get going as it will be time to pick up the kids from school soon and I need to get across town. I don’t like to be late. I have your phone number now, so I will message you tonight to organize a time for the morning if you still want me to come.”

  “Of course I still want you to come! Didn’t I just spend the last hour almost getting on my knees to beg you to come out to the farm. Why don’t I give you a lift to the school, we can pick up the kids and I will drop you home? I can take a look at a couple of things I need to at the flats and then head back to the office.”