Autumn Secrets

by Katie Winters

  “Nancy. Is it the wedding?” Carmella breathed. “Janine? Jack? What is it?”

  Nancy flared her nostrils. She felt utterly cornered. She wouldn’t have shown all this emotion outwardly if she had known someone else was home.

  “I just don’t want to miss anything else,” Nancy finally blurted.

  Carmella nodded. “I can understand that.”

  Nancy knew, in a sense, Carmella could. She had spent so much of her life at a distance from her family, only to recently find her way back to them. Nancy turned back and headed toward the sink, just wanting to do something with her hands. She yanked open the faucet and stared straight ahead as she scrubbed one plate after another. Carmella stood alongside her, took the clean plates, then dried them off. They worked like that for a full five minutes before Nancy burst into tears again. Carmella turned off the faucet and placed a hand on Nancy’s upper back.

  “You can talk to me about it. Whatever it is.”

  Nancy swallowed the lump in her throat and stepped back toward the kitchen table. There, she collapsed and placed her face in her hands.

  “I’m just so scared, Carmella.”

  Carmella sat opposite to her at the small table. Both of her hands were across the wood, her fingers spread apart. She looked anxious but present.

  “You can tell me why you’re scared if you want to.”

  Nancy pressed her lips together. After a pause, she breathed, “Are you sure?”

  “For years, nobody asked me what was wrong. If someone had, maybe I could have resolved some of my issues earlier,” Carmella admitted.

  “About Colton?”

  “About all of it,” Carmella told her. “Therapy has helped. And Cody and Elsa have lifted me up the past few months. But it’s led me to have more compassion for myself and others. No matter what you’re dealing with, you shouldn’t keep it bottled up so tightly inside. It could destroy you.”

  “I just— I feel that I lost so much over the years,” Nancy whispered. “I gave up on so much. I failed Janine over and over again. Your father gave me a new life, and then, he passed away, and I tried to use his strength to bring my worlds back together again.”

  “And you succeeded,” Carmella pointed out. “Janine, Maggie and Alyssa are all here. They’re here because of you and Dad.”

  Nancy nodded. She swallowed the lump in her throat as another tear rolled down her cheek. “Something’s wrong with me, Carmella. Really wrong.”

  Carmella furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

  “I just mean that my body isn’t quite right. I’ve noticed it for months but tried to ignore it. I told myself I just needed to drink more water or stretch more or get more sleep. But the truth of it is, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and the doctor spouted out a whole list of possible things— including the big C-word.”

  Carmella’s eyes closed gently. Her shoulders sagged forward. “God, Nancy. I had no idea.”

  Nancy was surprised that in the wake of acknowledging this truth, she felt a tiny bit lighter. She felt freer.

  The truth. It was really powerful.

  “I had a lot of tests done,” Nancy told her. “I’m just hanging in there until I know for sure what is going on. I should be getting the results soon. And until then, all I can do is imagine the worst.”

  “I can understand that,” Carmella told her. “I’m sure your mind is playing a million little tricks on you. And I also understand why you don’t want the girls to know yet.”

  Nancy nodded as tears welled yet again in her eyes. “I just don’t know what to do about it.”

  “You can wait as long as you want. It’s your choice,” Carmella said. “But just know that I will keep your secret safe. I promise.”

  Nancy sniffled. After a long pause, she whispered, “I can’t even begin to thank you, Carmella. Really.”

  “It’s my honor,” Carmella told her. “I know what it’s like to need to keep things separate from those you care about the most. It’s a tricky balancing act.” Her smile faltered the slightest bit as she added, “And what about that man from last night? Does this have anything to do with that?”

  Nancy buzzed her lips as a wave of foolishness crashed over her. “Oh, I don’t know. I guess I just thought if I lived youthfully, I could outrun this fear of death somehow.”

  “I understand that. Maybe it works sometimes. Who’s to say?”

  A few moments later, the others appeared on the back porch. Nancy rushed back to the sink to continue the dishes as Alyssa and Maggie rushed in. Alyssa screeched that she’d cut open her finger on a rock, while Maggie explained there wasn’t even a droplet of blood. The others appeared, greeting Nancy and Carmella brightly. It was decided that wine would soon be poured, that mimosas would be made. The celebration wasn’t yet over. And Nancy told herself she was allowed to hide in this joy for a little while longer. She would face the horrors of everything else later when she had to. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe the week after that.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Janine and Nancy hovered in the produce aisle at the Edgartown grocery store as Elsa padded her fingers over various mangoes, apples, and nectarines. Nancy gripped the grocery cart so tightly that all the blood drained from her fingers. Elsa and Bruce had just gotten into a little spat outside of the Lodge— one in full view of Nancy and Janine, and nobody knew quite what to say about it. Elsa looked shaken. She lifted a nectarine, tossed it lightly in her hand, and said, “I didn’t think Bruce and I would ever fight.”

  “That’s what couples do,” Janine pointed out. She grabbed a bag of apples and tilted her head to catch Elsa’s gaze. “Seriously. And you and Bruce have been dating for long enough now that maybe it was time to see how the two of you handled a dispute.”

  Elsa arched her eyebrow but dropped her gaze. “It was stupid, too. He had to change our plans. It happens all the time. I just haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights, and I had this sudden fear that he would abandon me. Isn’t that ridiculous? I guess it’s because I’ve hardly dated in my life. Aiden was it for me. I don’t know what it means when, you know, a text message goes unanswered, or he suddenly has to change plans.”

  Nancy caught Janine’s gaze and shrugged. Fear permeated Elsa’s face. Nancy could understand the emotion behind this. Before Neal, she’d felt tossed around by men who said one thing one day and did a far different thing the next. Still, she didn’t believe Bruce was this sort of man. He had far too much compassion. And besides, like Elsa, he was an islander. Islanders weren’t cruel to other islanders.

  Elsa’s face scrunched up tightly. She yanked herself around and marched directly toward the wine section. Nancy and Janine walked slowly, side-by-side, allowing Elsa to take the lead.

  “I’ve never seen her so dramatic before,” Janine breathed. “It’s almost refreshing to see. She’s always been a Type-A creature to me.”

  Nancy laughed under her breath. “Neal said she was always that way. Very goal-oriented and never obsessed with boys.”

  Elsa collected three bottles of wine into her arm. She then placed them tenderly into the bottom of the grocery cart as Nancy reminded her they had plenty of wine back at the house. Elsa’s expression was sharp.

  “We’re going to need it,” she said sharply.

  When they reached the line for the cashier point, Nancy shifted her weight as Janine lifted her phone to text back Maggie, who was on day three of her beautiful honeymoon with Rex. Their plan was a trip to the French Riviera for two weeks, followed by a brief stint back in New York City, followed by a whole month in Southeast Asia, where they planned to travel in a more “rugged” fashion. Maggie had suggested she wanted to sleep on the beach, only for Janine to nearly have a heart attack and beg her to stay in hostels, at least. Maggie had laughed and said, “I just wanted to see your face when I said that.”

  “She’s having the trip of a lifetime,” Janine said now as she tilted her phone screen over for Nancy to see. Maggie and Rex stood on the beach,
arm-in-arm; Maggie wore a bright yellow bikini, highlighting her beautiful abs and long legs, while Rex had on a pair of black swim trunks.

  “Look at them,” Nancy breathed. “Their kids are going to be supermodels.”

  Janine blushed as she slipped her phone back into her purse. “Your great-grandchildren, you mean?”

  Nancy cackled at the thought. “Don’t make me feel older than I already do.”

  Janine’s eyes flickered up toward the magazine rack. Nancy watched as her expression faded from one of joy to one of complete and unadulterated horror. Her arms fell to her sides. “No.” She ripped a magazine from the rack and lifted it toward them both.

  There on the front cover was a near-perfect photograph of the events that had transpired at Maggie’s wedding the previous Saturday. Off to the left, Jack Potter and Maxine Aubert stood, regal and proud and arrogant-looking, with Maxine’s arm snaked through Jack’s. A few feet away, Maggie and Janine stood, both with red blotchy cheeks and eyes.

  “No,” Janine whispered again. She covered her mouth with her hand in mock horror as Nancy watched her stare at the cover.

  Alongside the photograph were large words—“Manhattan Socialite Wedding of the Decade,” alongside presumably made-up quotes from the tabloid magazine itself.

  “GET AWAY FROM ME AND MY DAUGHTER!” cried a terrifying Janine Potter at her daughter Maggie’s wedding.

  The Manhattan Socialite Wedding of the Decade was slated by some as being upwards of three million.

  “I NEVER LOVED YOU,” Jack Potter blared back as he protected his new love, Janine’s ex-best friend, Maxine.

  Janine’s hand shook as she took in this full view of the fictionalized version of her life. “Those bastards. They just make up whatever they want to sell magazines.”

  Elsa and Nancy peered over Janine’s shoulders to take in more of the photos within the magazine itself— photos that caught Jack looking rogue, arrogant and mean; photos that made Janine look weak and sometimes “fatter” than she actually was.

  “Janine is out of control,” says a source close to the family.

  Slowly, Janine placed the magazine on the conveyer belt and watched as the cashier scanned it. The cashier did a double-take on the magazine cover and the woman before him but knew better not to say anything. Elsa paid for the wine, and the magazine, gathered everything in her arms, and headed out for the car. Nancy and Janine walked behind her, both zombie-like.

  “I don’t know what to do,” Janine whispered as they hovered outside of Elsa’s car in the parking lot. “I never know what to tell Alyssa and Maggie, especially when they air our dirty laundry out like that.”

  “They’re much stronger than we know,” Nancy told her. “I’m sure they know how crazy it all is.”

  “Yes, but so much of it is true,” Janine whispered. “There was a big fight. Jack did belittle me in front of a number of people. Yes, they doctored those photos, but they also captured the actual story, in a way.”

  “But what do you care, Janine?” Nancy asked. “So what, if people need gossip. But you don’t need those people. You have us. You have the Lodge.”

  Elsa sniffled as she shot into the driver’s seat. “The only antidote I know for our day’s problems is many, many glasses of wine.” She then revved the engine as Nancy and Janine hustled to jump in and get their seatbelts fastened.

  “I’ll alert the others. We need girl time,” Nancy said as she lifted her phone to text Mallory and Carmella. “Dinner and drinks at the house tonight. We have a lot to talk about.”

  Nancy hadn’t had real girlfriends throughout her teenage years and into her twenties and thirties. It had always seemed outside of the bounds of her own life, the ways of women together— especially women who cared for one another. Now, as she sat at the porch table surrounded by some of the women she loved most, she felt this shell of comfort around them as they swapped stories and made one another laugh; nothing in the outside world could touch them.

  “I just don’t know what to do about him,” Elsa blared, as it was her turn to complain. She lifted the wine bottle and poured a big helping for herself, then tilted the wine so that it circled around and around the glass. “I do care about him but right now, it’s just so complicated.”

  She then turned her eye toward Mallory, her daughter, and asked, “And what’s up lately with Lucas, Mal? I haven’t seen him around much.”

  Mallory’s nostrils flared. “He’s such an idiot. Always telling me he wants to work harder to make us a better family, and always letting me down!”

  “Men!” Janine clucked as she lifted her wine glass higher. She took a sip, then glanced toward the porch door. “Where is Carmella, anyway? We need as many of the Grimson-Remington gang as we can get.”

  “You’re right. There’s strength in numbers,” Nancy affirmed.

  “I think the worst part about all of this is knowing that I spent so many years of my life loving that man,” Janine said somberly. “I want to go back to my twenty-five-year-old self and ask her if she’s really happy. Do I remember any of it correctly? Or was I just sleepwalking through my life, complacent?”

  “You clearly weren’t sleepwalking,” Elsa pointed out. “You raised two beautiful daughters. They’re striking and intelligent and bring so much to the world around them. A sleepwalking mother wouldn’t have allowed that.”

  Nancy’s heart thudded in her chest. Had she been sleepwalking through her early motherhood? A bit. Yes, a bit. Fear and regret swirled through her stomach and chest. She sipped the rest of her wine glass back and stood on shaky legs. She would just go inside for a moment to regroup.

  “Are you going to start dinner?” Elsa asked.

  “I’ll get to it in a second,” Nancy returned as she staggered toward the back porch.

  “Why don’t we just order something?” Elsa suggested. She stood and walked into the house after Nancy. She seemed not to notice Nancy’s weakness. Perhaps Nancy was just good at hiding it.

  “I’ll grab the menus in the kitchen,” Elsa announced.

  “Great, honey.” Nancy continued toward the staircase, where she gripped the railing and nearly fell to the ground. Out the window, she spotted Cody’s car. In the frame of the window, Cody pressed his lips over Carmella’s before Carmella leaped out of the vehicle and headed for the door. It warmed Nancy to know Carmella would soon be amongst them. She was the only one with her secret. There was safety in that.

  Nancy eased her way up the staircase to take a Tylenol and drink a bottle of water. As she sat at the edge of her bed, she felt her consciousness take hold of her again. Her thoughts seemed firm and alive. Again, she could rejoin her daughters downstairs; she could find space and strength to belittle Jack Potter and his selfish decisions. She could find a way to demonize Bruce Holland, even though she didn’t feel it, even a bit, in the depths of her soul.

  Sometimes, women just needed to rant. They needed to support one another as the harshness of the world pressed down upon them. They needed to swap tips about face creams and pedicures and shapewear, and they needed to do it in the space of safety and love.

  Nancy stepped back toward the staircase, lifted her chin regally, and then padded down toward the porch. Elsa was no longer in the kitchen; probably, she’d headed out to the porch to ask everyone what they wanted to order. Nancy drew open the door between the house and the porch, then stopped dead in her tracks.

  The sight she’d left was not the one she now found.

  Janine pressed her hands over her eyes as horrible, tender wails escaped her throat. Carmella stood alongside her with her hand over her shoulder while Elsa shed her tears off to the right. Mallory looked stricken; all the blood had drained from her cheeks as baby Zachery slept on her shoulder, his lips parted.

  “Janine? Elsa?” Nancy’s voice cracked.

  Carmella lifted her eyes toward Janine’s. They were filled with sadness, rimmed red. Silence ballooned around them.

  Finally, Janine dropped her ha
nds from her eyes and turned her blotchy face toward her mother’s.

  “When were you going to tell us about these tests?” she demanded.

  Nancy’s jaw dropped. Carmella stepped back from Janine, her hands in the air. Nancy felt the colossal weight of betrayal.

  “Why did you tell her, Carmella?” Her voice cracked.

  Carmella stuttered. “I thought that’s why everyone was so upset. I thought that’s why we met today. I misunderstood.”

  Nancy’s throat tightened. She could just imagine it now: Carmella coming home to find Janine all out of sorts on the back porch.

  “She just looked at me and said, ‘We don’t know anything for sure yet,’” Janine whispered now, as still more tears rolled down her cheeks. “And I knew. I knew you’d lied to me. I thought we said we were going to be honest with one another, now, Mom! After all we’ve been through. I thought we had gotten to a point in our relationship where we could face things head-on, together.”

  Nancy dropped her chin. She couldn’t imagine a single thing to say that would fix this. Then, filled with vitriol, she lifted her eyes back toward Carmella and muttered, “I can’t believe you, Carmella. But I guess I should have known.”

  Carmella’s eyes darkened. She slipped away from the porch table, whipped her hands into the air, then hustled away from the porch, wrapping around the house toward the front driveway. Nancy’s heart shattered. Only a few days after she and Carmella had repaired their relationship, it had exploded all over again.

  And now, she had a devastated and fearful Janine and Elsa on her hands, on top of her mental instability.

  It would be a long night.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Janine lurked outside the yoga studio the following morning. Nancy eyed her as she finalized her session. She pressed her palms together and wished the eight women who’d appeared for the early-morning yoga class a beautiful day ahead. “Remember. You are not your past,” she told them. This time, she felt akin to a hypocrite as she said it; after all, if anything, the past haunted her more than ever these days. Perhaps you could never escape it.