My Favorite Souvenir

by Ward, Penelope

  He apparently knew exactly where my mind was.

  “Got any face mask cream?” he asked.

  • • •

  The next morning, I could still smell Matteo’s cologne in my house. It was apparently all over the couch from when he sat there last night. I hadn’t wanted him to leave, but eventually we’d both agreed it was best if he hopped a late train. What choice did we have? We both knew the chances of us slipping were high if he spent the night. And now it felt like a clock was ticking, because the flight he’d rescheduled would be leaving New York in a few days. His leave of absence from work was almost over, and he had to get back to his teaching job after Christmas break.

  I had no clue how I was supposed to say goodbye to Matteo or how I was going to deal with the Brady situation. But once Matteo went back to Seattle, I needed to make some real decisions about how I wanted my future to look.

  • • •

  That afternoon, I paid Felicity a long-overdue visit. I hadn’t seen her since before Matteo came to town, so she knew nothing about his connection to Brady. The thought of explaining everything to her had been daunting, which is why I’d put it off.

  She was finally recovering well from her accident and was now up and about, cleaning the kitchen as I sat at her table with my feet up on a chair.

  Even though I knew she was completely biased—Team Brady—I needed to confide in someone about this situation. And I knew I could trust Felicity.

  She looked me up and down. “You look like you’ve lost weight.”

  “Yeah…I’ve been under a lot of stress the past several days.”

  “What is it? Did something happen with Brady?”

  “Indirectly, yes.”

  I told her the whole story about Milo being Duncan. She had to stop what she was doing and take a seat across from me.

  “Are you kidding me? Tell me you’re kidding.”

  “I’m not, unfortunately.”

  She sat there silently pondering for a long time. “It kind of makes sense, if you think about it—him being in Vail at the time. Pretty crazy that he didn’t figure out it was you.”

  “Well, remember, we never told each other our names…”

  “That’s right. But still.” She shook her head. “Are you going to tell Brady at some point?”

  “I honestly don’t know what’s best. I know you’re rooting for me to get back with him, but I’m just not sure anymore.”

  Next I told her about my time with Matteo last night and how connected I felt to him.

  She smirked skeptically. “Nothing happened?”

  “No. We took Abbott for a walk. Then he came back to my place, and we just hung out. We ended up putting on the funniest movie we could find and watching it from opposite ends of the couch—quite intentionally.”

  I didn’t need to tell her about our couple of close calls or the fact that I’d sucked Matteo’s fingers. I was pretty sure Felicity already looked at this whole thing as a betrayal to Brady. But I didn’t. Both Matteo and I were victims of bad luck and timing, which had put us in this situation.

  “Poor Brady. If he finds out about this… God, I just can’t imagine.”

  I sat up, placing my head in my hands. “No one meant to hurt anyone.”

  “The more I think about it, the more I feel like you shouldn’t tell Brady. He’ll never look at you the same, and it can only hurt him.”

  “I haven’t worked that out yet. A lot of it depends on how Matteo feels. Their friendship is on the line, too, and no matter what, this is going to have to be a decision Matteo and I make together.”

  “You sound like you’re a couple or something. Don’t get ahead of yourself here. This is your road trip fling. You need to do what you feel is best for you and for Brady without anyone else guiding your decisions.”

  Once again, I found myself regretting opening up to her. She’d never see both sides.

  “Do you have a picture of this guy?” she asked.

  I searched through my phone and scrolled down to a photo of Milo and Maddie Hooker taken on Bourbon Street. To be honest, I was surprised she hadn’t asked to see a photo sooner.

  “Okay. I can see why you’re smitten. He looks like something out of a movie. Love the mop of hair, too. Wow. And those lips.”

  “He’s so much more than that, though, Felicity. You have no idea. I know you fully support me getting back with Brady but—”

  “He’s a fantasy, sure,” she interrupted. “But I would be willing to bet if you spent even a week with him back in—is it Seattle?”

  “Yeah. Seattle.”

  “I bet you’d find things to be a lot different in the real world.”

  “Maybe. But we did spend an awful lot of time together on our trip. I feel like I know him enough to trust him.”

  “Doesn’t matter. You were on vacation. You know how it is. Everyone is carefree on vacation. You weren’t worrying about finances or your job or anything else. You were just living in the moment. But that kind of thing can’t last forever.”

  Despite her trying to convince me what I had with Matteo wasn’t real, I refused to believe it.

  “Here’s the problem, Felicity. I can’t stop thinking about him. Say what you will about what seems wrong or right, but from the moment I met him, I’ve thought of little else—both before and after I found out who he really was.”

  She sighed. “Well, the issue is… You would be taking a very big risk in assuming things would work out. You’ve never spent a single day with him when you weren’t either on vacation or hiding something from your fiancé.”

  “Ex-fiancé.”

  “Okay, but how can you possibly know what it’s really like to be with Matteo?”

  I thought about that. She had a point.

  “You’re right. I don’t know what the day to day would look like for us. Heck, I don’t even know where we would live. He’s in Seattle. My life is here. None of it makes sense, and yet…” My words trailed off.

  “Yet you still can’t stop thinking about him.”

  “No. I can’t. And it’s not fair to Brady. So, I have some real thinking to do after Matteo goes back.”

  “When does he leave?”

  “In a few days. He took some time off from his teaching job, but he’s supposed to be returning to work after the holidays. So he needs to get back.”

  “Well, maybe once he’s gone, you’ll start to forget, little by little. You can focus on Brady and hopefully come to your senses.”

  I didn’t want to forget Matteo. Every piece of advice Felicity gave me made me want the opposite scenario. She was slowly and unintentionally showing me what my heart was screaming for.

  And that scared me. Because no matter how this all ended, someone was going to get hurt.

  • • •

  Two nights later, I was starting to freak out because I hadn’t seen Matteo since the night he came to my house. Between work and Brady being around, coordinating a meet-up just hasn’t worked out.

  And tonight, it was Brady’s birthday, so I had no choice but to spend it with him.

  When a text from Matteo came in, my heart sped up a bit.

  Matteo: Hey, Brady wants me to join you guys for his birthday dinner tonight, but I told him I came down with the flu. I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn’t sick. Didn’t want you to worry. I just…can’t.

  That broke my heart.

  Hazel: I get it. Totally.

  Matteo: The pretending thing is too hard. I can’t look him in the eyes anymore.

  Hazel: It’s getting harder and harder for me, too.

  Matteo: I’m gonna miss you, Hazel.

  Panic set in. Did he mean forever? Or was he referring to the fact that he was leaving soon?

  Hazel: Your flight leaves tomorrow night. When will I see you?

  Matteo: Can you come to the city during the day? I’m afraid if I go to you, I won’t make it back in time for my flight.

  Hazel: Yes. I was planning to but wanted t
o make sure you wanted me there.

  Matteo: Of course I do.

  Hazel: Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then? Am I meeting you at your hotel?

  Matteo: Yes. Just text me when you arrive. I’ll come down.

  Hazel: Okay.

  Matteo: Have fun tonight.

  Chapter 22

  * * *

  Hazel

  “Hey.” Brady smiled and leaned in to kiss my cheek. “You look gorgeous.”

  It was a good thing the way I felt on the inside wasn’t on display, because then he would have said, You look like a complete and total wreck.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “Is that a new dress?”

  I nodded and looked down. “I actually bought it for our honeymoon.”

  Brady frowned. “Come inside.”

  My train had been delayed getting into the city, and I knew our reservation at the restaurant was for seven thirty. “Shouldn’t we get going? I’m a little late.”

  Brady opened the door wide and stepped aside. “You’re not late at all. Chez Oppenheimer is ready whenever you are.”

  I peered into the apartment from the hall. The lights were dimmed, and the dining room table had been set for two. Candles flickered in the center of the table, and a huge bouquet of flowers sat atop the plate at the chair I normally sat in.

  “I thought we were going out?”

  “Change of plans. I hired a chef to come in and make your favorite dinner instead. You said you’d had a long day today, so I figured you’d like that better than going out.”

  At one point I would have. But right now the thought of a romantic dinner alone with Brady didn’t sit right in my stomach. I would have given anything for him to make such a romantic gesture before. And yet at this moment, I didn’t much want to set foot inside his apartment.

  Brady sensed my hesitation, but luckily mistook it as surprise. He smiled and took my hand. “I know. It’s out of character for me. But you said we could go anywhere I wanted for my birthday. And honestly, the only place I want to be is right here with you.” He squeezed my hand. “I don’t want to share you with anyone else.”

  He gave my hand a soft tug, and I had no choice but to walk inside. When the front door clicked shut, a horrible, ominous feeling washed over me. As screwed up as it was, it felt wrong to be here in such a romantic setting with Brady. I knew in my heart that Matteo would be devastated if he found out. I didn’t want to hurt either of these men.

  Brady went behind me and helped take off my coat.

  “Thank you.”

  After he hung it up, he pulled out a chair at the dining room table. “Come. Sit. We have three courses.”

  I took a seat while Brady went to the kitchen. Even though I could see him working the corkscrew into a bottle of wine, I still jumped when the loud pop came. That cork had nothing on how tightly I was wound this evening.

  Brady poured us each a glass of chardonnay and brought out a tray of appetizers. It was a huge antipasto assortment with all of my favorites.

  “Are you sure it’s not my birthday?” I laughed nervously. “You’re the one serving me, and this is my favorite food, not yours.”

  He smiled and sat down across from me. “Whatever makes you smile is my favorite food.”

  Where had this Brady been the last few years? “That’s very sweet.”

  We dug into the appetizer, and I guzzled my wine pretty fast. My nerves were frazzled.

  “So…” Brady set down his fork and wiped his mouth. “I’ve been thinking about this apartment.”

  “Oh? What about it?”

  “Well, my lease is up in two months, and I don’t think I’m going to renew.”

  “Really? I’m surprised. You love it here. Do you want to be closer to the office or something?”

  Brady reached over and took my hand. “I want to be closer to you.”

  “Brady, I…”

  He squeezed my hand. “Let me finish. I know you aren’t ready to move in with me…yet. And we’d planned to live here after our wedding. But your work is in Connecticut. You have to lug equipment and stuff around with you, which isn’t easy on trains. It would make more sense for me to be the one to commute.”

  Wow. He was really trying.

  “Plus, I’d like to be able to see you more than just on the weekends. So if I live closer to you, we can spend more time together.” He winked. “Might even speed up the process of me winning you back.”

  I didn’t want him to uproot his life for me, since every day it became clearer that things might not pan out for us. “Where would you live?”

  “I’m sure I could get an apartment somewhere near you.” He flashed a sheepish smile. “Unless you wanted a roomie, maybe.”

  Seeing the look on my face, Brady chuckled. “Okay, so not ready to be roomies yet. I get it. I can start looking for my own place—unless you don’t even want me in the same state as you.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that. It’s just a lot. It’s a big change. Can you give me some time to think about it?”

  He nodded and tried to pretend I hadn’t hurt his feelings, though it was clear I had. “Sure.”

  We made it through dinner without any more major bumps in the road. But the pressure I felt was enormous. Brady wanted to change his life for me. It wasn’t fair to let him do that if things were coming to an end. So while we made conversation and even laughed a few times, our situation really weighed on my shoulders.

  After a delicious meal, we cleaned up together. Brady washed the dishes, and I dried. It might’ve been the first time I’d ever seen him use a sponge. At one point, I was standing in the dining room, wiping down the counter that separated the dining and kitchen areas, and Brady was on the other side, wrapping a tray of food in foil.

  I found myself staring. Could I be with him again?

  Did I love him still?

  If I didn’t, had I ever?

  Can you just fall out of love in a few months?

  I remembered the day I met him. I’d been taking photos at a Coldplay concert. One of my duties was to snap pictures of the audience. Usually I’d find some girl on a guy’s shoulders with her arms in the air, or a group of guys thrashing around in a mosh pit—something that captured the essence of the show. But that day, when I was scanning through the audience with my lens, I landed on a cute guy staring right back at me. He smiled and waved. I snapped a few pictures just because he was so easy on the eyes and smiled back. But the concert was coming to an end, so a few minutes later I went backstage. I’d forgotten all about the cute guy by the time I finished for the night. After the concert, I stuck around to hang out with the band and take some candid photos while they celebrated. The parking lot was long empty by the time I walked out at nearly two AM.

  Except for Brady. There he was, standing right at the front door, waiting.

  We wound up going to a nearby diner and talking until the sun came up that morning. When I’d asked him how he knew I was still there, since he’d waited for so many hours, he’d shrugged and said he didn’t. But he was willing to put in the time on the off chance he’d get to see me again.

  Lost in my own little world reminiscing, I didn’t even realize I was still staring until Brady smiled. “What are you thinking about over there?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Come on. I know you better than that. You were somewhere else.”

  I shook my head. “I was just thinking about the night we met.”

  Brady smiled and tossed the dishtowel on the kitchen counter. “Best night of my life.”

  “You waited for me for a really long time.”

  He turned off the kitchen light and came around to the dining room side of the counter. The candles were the only light now. Brady cupped my cheeks in his hands. “You’re worth waiting for, Hazel.”

  My heart swelled. Brady was a really sweet guy. “Thank you for a nice dinner.”

  He leaned in, dipping his head, as if he was about to kiss me.


  I flattened my hands on his chest, stopping him. “Brady, no.”

  “Oh come on, babe. Just one kiss. For my birthday.”

  I didn’t want to be a jerk, but I also didn’t feel right about kissing him. So when he leaned in again—this time ignoring my shove at his chest—and his lips covered mine, I turned my head.

  “Brady, I said no.”

  “What’s the big deal? It’s just a kiss, for Christ’s sake. I’ve done it a million times.”

  “I don’t… I don’t want to lead you on.”

  He cupped my cheeks tighter. “You won’t. I get it. Just a kiss. I won’t try to cop a feel or get in your pants. I promise.” He lowered his head yet again and pressed his lips to mine.

  “Brady, stop!” I pushed him hard this time.

  He stumbled back and raised his hands in the air, showing me his palms. “What the fuck, Hazel?”

  “I told you not to kiss me.”

  His face twisted in anger. “Well then stop sending me mixed fucking signals. You’re staring at me and thinking of the day we met, but I can’t kiss my girlfriend of four years on my damn birthday?”

  “I’m not your girlfriend.”

  “Whatever you want me to call you. How about friends without benefits? Does that work? Or should I be more specific? Woman I wine and dine but don’t get to sixty-nine?”

  I looked down. “I should go.”

  Brady stepped in front of me. “No, tell me. I want to know. What are we, Hazel? Because I’m really not understanding what we’re doing. You somehow think we can just be friends. But you know what? We were never friends. I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you, and I don’t know how to be anything else.”

  I took a deep breath. “I think we need a real break, Brady.”

  He laughed maniacally. “A break? Isn’t that what we’re on now? You mean there’s something even less than not being able to kiss you?”