Love So Deep

by Kathleen Ball

  Turning in the saddle, he was glad to see although weary, they were both holding up well. Their strength and resilience made him proud. He would do what needed to be done. He would protect them and hopefully it would be a good thing. Hopefully it would be the right thing for all of them.

  He stopped in front of the house and jumped down off Ahern. He patted the horse’s withers. Next, he lifted Brian down from in front of Samantha and finally he lifted Samantha into his arms and let her body slide against his before setting her down. Part of him hoped she felt his arousal and part of him hoped she didn’t notice. He didn’t want to scare her. “I’ll take care of the horses, ya go on in.”

  “You’re not taking off again?”

  “No, not tonight. I am a bit hungry though.” He smiled.

  She laughed. “Beans coming right up.”

  “Please say it’s a bad joke!” Brian yelled from inside.

  They both laughed. Their gazes met and locked. He couldn’t get enough of her beautiful blue eyes. They held love and trust and truth in them and he wanted to be worthy of it all. “I’ll be back in a while.” He watched her enter the house before he led both horses to the barn. They both needed a good rub down and extra feed. He wanted to check on Ahern’s knife wound again. Thankfully, it wasn’t in a place where the saddle rubbed it.

  Once done he headed toward the house. His heart filled and beat faster knowing he had them waiting for him. He never would have thought it was something he remotely wanted but he wanted it now. The fear of rejection tore at him. He was half-Indian and she might refuse him.

  He also needed to get over to the sheriff’s office and report what happened with Chigger and Sullivan. There shouldn’t be any question to what happened, but sometimes his word wasn’t good enough. He’d eat first then see the sheriff. Always better to head off trouble if ya can. His thoughts kept drifting toward Samantha. He loved her enough to let her go but he was selfish enough to want her by his side.

  When he entered the house, the smile she gave him lifted his heart. “Is dinner about ready?”

  She shook her head. “I’m good but not that good. It’ll be about an hour.”

  “I’d best take Snowstorm back to the livery and stop by to tell the sheriff what happened.”

  “We’ll be here when you get back.” She turned toward the stove and gave whatever she was cooking, a stir.

  “Hurry back!” Brian told him.

  “I’ll do my best.” He put his cap on and headed outside. He coaxed Snowstorm into his bridle and walked him into town. Most places were already closed for the day. He passed the saloon and heard the music and clinking of glasses. Samantha really was green if she didn’t know what went on in there. The lights at the livery were on and he walked into the barn with Snowstorm.

  “Returning the horse you stole?” A big burly man with blond hair asked him, none too politely.

  “This here is Snowstorm he belongs to the sheriff. Which stall should I put him in?”

  “I know what horse it is. I figure you took him without permission. That’s horse stealin’ and that’s a hanging offense.” The man smiled, looking pleased with himself.

  “I guess that would be for the sheriff to decide.” He led Snowstorm to an empty stall, put him in, and closed the stall door.

  “Maybe I should get the sheriff.” The man crossed his big arms across his chest.

  “I’m heading to his office now. Sheriff Todd and I go way back.” He turned and left, listening to the man sputter. People were all the same. It was only one block to the sheriff’s office, and he made fast work of getting there. He opened the door and nodded.

  “Find them? Were they okay? Chigger and Sullivan left town right after you did.” He wiped his chin with a napkin from the tray of food on his desk.

  “Samantha and Brian are fine. Chigger and Sullivan are dead. They ambushed us and came up the losers. I left their bodies out there.”

  “I don’t suppose anyone would pay to bury them here. Did you find out why they were after Samantha?”

  “She was the only one alive who could point a finger at them. They led that wagon train to its death and stole all the money. Sullivan took off with all the money and Chigger just caught up with him recently. Chigger threatened Samantha.”

  “So that’s why she left? Makes sense. Are you hungry? Anita at the diner always brings me more than I can eat.”

  “Samantha is cooking us dinner. Did ya know she was thinking about working in the saloon? She thought she’d just be a waitress.” Patrick smiled. “She’s as innocent as they come.”

  “I’m afraid she’s in for a big upset. A man from the orphanage is planning to be here in two days to take Brian back. I just got the telegram. I know she loves that boy.”

  He sighed and nodded. “Yes she does.”

  “You know, I doubt the man would climb up into the mountains for one small boy. You might want to consider taking them back up there with you.”

  “Wish I could but it would only ruin their lives. People have shunned them because of me.”

  “Well it wasn’t just because of you. Unbelievably, they are more in a snit that she lived with you. Rumor has it you’re a very virile man.” He laughed. “Damned if you don’t. Damned if you do.”

  Patrick nodded as he turned the doorknob. “I’m damned all right.”

  “See you around.”

  “Thanks for the use of the horse.”

  “Anytime. Now go and eat a home cooked meal.”

  Patrick opened the door and strode outside. He walked up the boardwalk, his heels making clicking noises with each step. The sound of spurs against the wood always made him cringe. Soon he was out of town and the soft glow of the oil lamp beckoned from the homestead. His heart was in his throat. He knew what he had to do, he just didn’t know if she’d go along.

  He opened the door and there they were both laughing. It was good to see them happy.

  “Oh good, you’re just in time. Why don’t you and Brian wash up and we can eat.”

  He nodded and joined Brian at the basin filled with water. He wasn’t much for washing up before meals but if it made her happy, he’d do it.

  “How’s the sheriff?” she asked.

  “Good. He was glad to be rid of Sullivan and Chigger. He did have some bad news though.” He paused and glanced at Brian. “A man is coming to collect Brian.”

  Samantha gasped and put her hands over her mouth. Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head. “They can’t have him! Oh, we should have gone on to the next town.”

  “They’re going to take me away? They’ll beat me for sure.” Brian swallowed hard and tried to appear brave. “It’ll be fine, Sam. I lived that way for a long time and I can do it again.” His shoulders slouched and his smile wobbled.

  “I have a solution if you’re willing. I don’t want an answer right away. I want ya to think it through tonight. There are two options. I take Brian to live with me. The other option is Sam marries me and we both take ya up the mountain. Either way ya are not going back to that place.” Samantha started to open her mouth and he put his hand up. “No answers today. Ya need to think about it. If I take him, you’ll get to see him and ya can live here in the homestead. No worries, I’ll provide for ya.”

  Samantha nodded and quickly glanced away. If only he could see her eyes. He had no idea what she thought.

  “Thanks Patrick! I didn’t want to go back, not ever!” Brian climbed off his chair and hugged Patrick. “I’m glad you found me that day in the barn.”

  He rubbed the top of Brian’s head until the boy’s hair stood up on end. “I’m glad too. I’m glad I found ya both.” He stared at Samantha but she didn’t look up at him. His heart pinged and his chest squeezed. He was the one who didn’t want an answer right away but he wished he knew what she was thinking.

  “I have dishes to wash.” She stood and began to clear the table, avoiding his gaze at all costs. Brian sat in a chair close to the fire and grabbed his knife and
a stick.

  Patrick stood next to Samantha. “We’ll talk after Brian is in bed. There are a lot of considerations and I want ya to make an informed decision.” He took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’ll all work out, you’ll see.” He turned and walked toward Brian, wondering if she would decide to stay in town.

  Her hands shook so hard she was sure she’d drop the dishes. There were two choices, one with her and one without her. If he’d really wanted her to come, he wouldn’t have offered her the chance to stay at the homestead. She couldn’t take advantage of his generosity any longer. He was a loner who enjoyed his solitude. Taking Brian on would be more than enough for a man who didn’t want others around. She really had only one choice and it would break her heart to see them go. They’d have to leave tomorrow or the day after. Who knew when the orphanage man would be here? Her heart ached and she had a feeling the ache would never leave. Brian’s safety was most important. What she wanted or needed didn’t matter. She would keep busy with something. She had thought a vegetable garden would be a good thing to have.

  Drying her hands, she watched Patrick and Brian whittling together. Brian would be safe. It would be hard to say good-bye but there really wasn’t anything she could do about it. He’d be happy living with Patrick and she’d have to be content.

  “Brian, it’s getting late. It’s time for bed.”

  “Have you decided?” Brian asked eagerly.

  “Brian, we’ll all decide tomorrow.” Patrick told him.

  Brian nodded and went into the bedroom.

  “Patrick, I’m really tired too.”

  He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him until she stood toe to toe with him. “Please, can we talk?” He stared into her eyes and she couldn’t read him.

  “Sure, of course.” She stepped away and walked to one of the chairs in front of the fireplace.

  Patrick grabbed a blanket and arranged it on the floor. “Come sit with me.”

  Nodding, she did as he bade. It was as if she had no will of her own. Kneeling, she eventually made herself comfortable on the floor. What was expected of her? Did he mean to let her down easily?

  “You’re upset.”

  “No, yes. Yes, I am upset. I’m upset that someone is coming to take Brian away. I love that child with my whole heart. I had hoped I could keep him.”

  “Ya still could. The choice is yours.” He cocked his left brow waiting for an answer.

  “Ever since you rescued me, I’ve brought you nothing but trouble. I’ve invaded your serene life and made things difficult for you. I know a man like you treasures his freedom and I’ll not tie you down. It would be best if you took Brian. I trust you and I know he’ll be safe with you. He loves you.”

  “And ya?”

  “I love him and I know he loves me. I feel like a mother to him. A mother would do what’s best for her child. You can teach him to trap. You are a man of integrity and I would like him to learn how to grow into a man from you.”

  Patrick took her hand into his warm one. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. He reached over with his other hand and placed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Ya are so beautiful. Your skin is so soft, your hair is glorious and your eyes glow. Sometimes I think they glow just for me, and other times I know they do not. I wish I could be the one to make ya happy. I wish your heart felt as mine does. I understand I wouldn’t want to be shunned by the town if I were ya. Ya did nothing wrong, and they turned their backs on ya. Ya deserve a husband who can hold his head high.”

  “The heck with other people, and don’t you dare think you can’t hold your head high. You are the best man I have ever met. There hasn’t been a day I didn’t think of you, long for you. I know you don’t want me with you, and I can accept your decision. I just didn’t know being apart would hurt so much. Brian comes first, and you can keep him safe.”

  “I’d like to keep ya safe too. I lay in bed at night wondering what your day was like. I too have longings and I miss ya like crazy.”

  “What are you saying, exactly?”

  He kissed the palm of her hand. “I love ya, Samantha, and I want ya to be my wife. Will ya marry me?”

  Her jaw dropped. “You really love me? You left us here. How could you love me yet leave me?”

  “I left ya because I love ya. I thought maybe it would be better for ya to be with yar own kind. I have a past with the people of this town and they can’t get past my heritage. I didn’t want ya painted with the same brush. I wanted better for ya and for Brian. But now I’m being selfish and trying to do what is in my heart. I want to have choices and I choose ya.”

  Closing her eyes, she tried to think. He sounded so sincere and the look in his eyes was one of love. She wouldn’t miss the town or its people as long as she had Brian and Patrick. Her stomach fluttered. There really wasn’t much to think about after all. Opening her eyes, she smiled. This time she leaned over and kissed him. His facial hair tickled her and she smiled against his lips. Joy filled her as he smiled against her lips too.

  “Is that your answer?”

  Pulling away, she put a finger over his mouth. “No decisions until tomorrow.”

  He growled and pinned her to the floor. “I can’t get enough of ya. I could spend the rest of my life staring at your beautiful face.”

  “I’m not pretty. I don’t know why you think I am.”

  “Just because your parents didn’t tell ya don’t mean it’s not true. Ya have a beautiful soul, heart, and face. I want to be with ya as man and wife. I want to lay skin to skin with ya.”

  “Patrick, I’ve never, and my mother never told me anything. I don’t know how. Maybe I’d make a bad wife.”

  “Shh. Your response to my kisses makes me believe ya will be a very good wife. I think we can have a happy life. We have Brian and soon children…” he sat up and put a lot of distance between them. “Damn, what the hell am I thinking? I’m sorry I built up your hopes with my foolish dreams. I can’t, I won’t bring a child of mine into the world to be treated like a dog. Ya make me forget myself. I suppose it’s best if I take Brian and ya stay here.”

  A coldness swept through her and from his expression there was no changing his mind. Her hopes shriveled, as did her happiness. “I understand.” She stood up and went into the bedroom without looking at him. Numbly she changed into her nightdress and brushed her hair before she braided it. Tomorrow, it would be best if they left tomorrow. Her chest burned, as did the back of her eyes, but she refused to cry. It was hard on Patrick too.

  Sleep evaded her and as soon as the rooster crowed, she was already dressed and ready for the day. She made tea, eggs, bacon, and biscuits with jam. She’d give them the extra biscuits to take. She choked back a sob. To take with them. She heard them get up and soon they were at the table ready to eat.

  “This will be our last meal for a while so, Brian, I made your favorites. I’m so excited for you and your new life. I know Patrick will take very good care of you.” She drank some tea to alleviate her dry throat. Her words sounded forced.

  “Patrick explained things to me, Sam. We’ll get to see you all the time. Well, maybe not much in the winter but the rest of the year we can visit.” He bravely held back his tears. “I have my things all ready to go. Ahern will stay with you.”

  Patrick nodded. No one ate much and the rest of the meal was spent in silence. “We’d best get ready.”

  Brian got up and went to his room.

  “I packed some food for you. Do you need anything else?” She foolishly hoped he’d say yes, he needed her. She waited but no such declaration was made. At least Brian would be safe.

  “Thanks, the food is more than enough. I’ll try to get down here once a month if possible. I’m sorrier than ya will ever know.”

  “Maybe we could get married and not, well you know.”

  “Not possible. I want ya with everything in me. I wouldn’t be able to keep from touching ya.”

  “I see. I’ll walk you out.
”

  Brian ran ahead of them carrying a bedroll and a canteen. She started to follow when Patrick grabbed her hand, stopping her. He stroked her bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. “I never meant to hurt ya.”

  “I know.” The heaviness of her heart became unbearable. “I need you to leave while I keep my tears at bay for Brian’s sake.”

  Patrick let her go and followed her outside. She hugged and kissed Brian and exchanged a long look with Patrick. She stood in the middle of the road until she could see them no more. Tears streamed down her face and she ran into the house. Heartbroken, she went to her room and lay across the bed and sobbed, big gut wrenching sobs. She didn’t stop until there were no more tears. Her eyes swelled and hurt and her ribs ached from sobbing. For a moment she had it all and now she had nothing.

  Chapter Ten

  Eight weeks later

  She bent over the big hot tub of water, stirring the clothes she’d just scrubbed against the scrub board. Luckily, the town took pity on her and allowed her to do their laundry. That’s how they acted too, as if they were doing her a big favor. Next, she checked the clothes in the cold-water tub and one by one, she wrung the water from the garments before she put them through the wringer. After that, she put them on the line to dry and then she’d iron them. It was backbreaking work, but it was honest work. Most days she worked from sun up into the late hours of the evening.

  There was no way she’d let herself get behind. They were probably looking for a reason to fire her. It kept her busy and she didn’t have much time to dwell. She hadn’t heard from Patrick or Brian in about eight weeks. Eight excruciating, long weeks. Her heart was in her throat half the time and she had no appetite. Her clothes hung on her, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care about the haughty looks she got from the women or the leering ones from the men. She didn’t care about her appearance and she didn’t care about anything happening in the town.