Pushing Over 40

by S M Mala

  Maya sat down next to Grace and took her hand.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘I was really excited,’ Grace said, her face lighting up. ‘I saw all the women there waiting and I thought it was all going to be okay. I was finally pregnant at forty four and it was going to be perfect.’

  ‘Then what happened?’

  ‘The baby was dead,’ Grace bluntly replied. ‘They said it had died at eight weeks which is perfectly normal for someone of my age.’

  Maya saw Grace blink back the tears and felt gutted for her friend.

  ‘They’re so matter of fact about it,’ said Maya, putting an arm around her. ‘Told me the same thing when I miscarried, ‘It’s normal for someone of your age’ he said. It didn’t make me feel any better as there was no comfort for my loss.’

  Suddenly Maya felt scared for the baby she was carrying and breathed in deeply.

  ‘It’s not fair but I deserve this, wanting to have something I obviously can’t,’ sobbed Grace.

  ‘No you don’t! No one deserves to lose a baby,’ said Maya hugging her. ‘No one.’

  ‘At least they didn’t say to me at least you can have another one,’ laughed Grace through her tears.

  ‘Are you going to try again?’

  ‘No. I think I have to admit that my body is saying no while my head is saying fuck all!’

  She couldn’t sleep.

  Maya tossed and turned all night knowing what should be a happy experience felt like the worse thing in her life.

  ‘It’s going to be okay,’ she said, rubbing her tummy. ‘It’s all going to be fine baby Beau.’

  Now

  ‘Please speak to me,’ Shona said at the other end of the phone.

  ‘I can’t,’ eventually replied Maya, starting to cry again. ‘I can’t talk, I’m so sorry.’

  She heard Shona crying and hung up then sipped her gin and tonic and went into the living room.

  The door was being knocked and it was Adam again.

  ‘If you don’t let me in I’m going to break down the door, I mean it,’ he said gently. ‘You can’t be alone, not now.’

  Walking slowly to the door she opened it and saw a red eyed Adam staring back at her. He started to cry and she hugged him on the doorstep as his sobs vibrated in her neck. His arms were tightly wrapped around her and she couldn’t breathe but she didn’t want to.

  Now she was unable to cry on hearing his pain.

  Maya pulled him in and they sat on the sofa, hugging each other as he continued to cry. She pushed him away.

  ‘I don’t know what I’d have done without you,’ she croaked and wiped his face as tears fell down her cheeks even though she wasn’t crying.

  ‘I can’t sleep,’ he said, pushing her hair away from her face. ‘I can’t get it out of my mind.’

  ‘I know,’ she said, starting to cry, feeling scared as she did five days earlier. ‘I sleep and I have awful feelings of anger and then I keep screaming and screaming. Sometimes nothing comes out.’

  ‘Harry’s really upset. They wanted to come round and I told them it wasn’t a good idea. They’d pretend like nothing has happened but it has. I know it has.’ He buried his face in his hands and sobbed again. ‘I wish I could have helped you but I didn’t know how. I felt useless. I wish I’d have done more. You went through it and all I did was stand there. I wasn’t there when you needed me… I’m so sorry.’

  Maya wrapped her arms around him and held him so tightly. The only person she wanted to see or talk to was Adam.

  He understood what happened.

  He knew her pain.

  ‘I really wanted cheese and onion crisps and fizzy water. I told you to go,’ she said, trying to pull his head up and smile. ‘It’s okay.’

  Then

  The rotund consultant sat in front of her reading the notes and then smiling before looking away.

  ‘Now,’ she said, pushing her glasses up as her shiny dyed black bob fell forward and her little fat fingers clasped the pen tightly. ‘You’re forty two years old and you’ll be forty three when you have the baby.’

  ‘Yes,’ Maya replied, looking at the woman who kept flashing her fake smiles.

  ‘And your nuchal scan was fine and you’re doing the bloods as well.’

  ‘Yes,’ she replied, seeing the woman examine the scans. ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘Looks fine to me,’ she smiled and put them in an envelope. ‘One termination and a miscarriage at… let me see… eighteen months ago.’

  ‘Yes,’ gulped Maya wondering what was coming next.

  ‘And your blood pressure is a little high which is a bit worrying. Are you fit and healthy?’

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘You’re a little bit heavy for your height,’ she grimaced. ‘Not good for baby.’

  Maya wanted to laugh looking at the positively spherical woman sitting opposite her whose waist must have been at least fifty inches.

  ‘We can’t all be svelte,’ smiled Maya.

  ‘Have you had morning sickness?’

  ‘A little … not much.’

  ‘You know you have to come back at sixteen weeks for the next set of bloods then we can see if everything is okay,’ she smiled broadly at her. ‘You are aware of the risks that you can face as an older mother.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Good, good, good,’ she said cheerfully. ‘Are there any questions?’

  ‘Yes,’ Maya said, still unsure about whether to ask it or not. ‘My scan?’

  ‘There wasn’t too much fluid on the-.’

  ‘No not that. The due date is earlier than I thought… well, conceived. Is that normal?

  ‘The dating procedure isn’t exactly accurate but we have a good idea by the size of the baby.’

  ‘It seemed a little strange because I … had sex four days after I was ovulating so I wondered if that was normal.’

  ‘Everyone’s body is different,’ she laughed. ‘Are your cycles regular?

  ‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘Every twenty nine days.’

  ‘You’re pregnant now so it doesn’t matter. The reproduction cycle is an amazing thing. Is that it?’

  ‘Yes,’ Maya smiled and shook Dr Wilson’s hand.

  ‘See you soon,’ she smiled broadly and Maya could see it was yet another fake one.

  As she walked through the waiting room and down the corridor into the fresh air, Maya couldn’t wait to tell someone.

  She called Shona.

  ‘It’s all okay,’ she told her best friend. ‘Everything is fine.’

  ‘I told you so,’ Shona sighed with relief.

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘A little shocked,’ Maya replied.

  ‘When are you going to tell Adam?’

  ‘Today, I think,’ she replied, not sure how he’d take the news.

  ‘And Harry?’

  ‘Oh god, that’s going to be a nightmare.’

  ‘I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

  ‘Should I wait until I get the sixteen week blood test?’ Maya asked, heading for her next stage of stress.

  ‘No,’ sighed Shona. ‘It’s only par for the course. Go and break the news to your brother. God I wish I could see the look on his face when you tell him.’

  ‘What’s this all in aid of?’ Harry asked, grabbing at the Thai takeaway and smiling at his sister a few days later.

  ‘I thought I’d do something nice as you’re always feeding me,’ she replied, wistfully and looked at Dee who was examining one of the boxes.

  ‘Is this really spicy?’ she said, turning up her nose.

  ‘No it’s Pad Thai and was created for the Irish genetic palette,’ Maya said, shaking her head. ‘Why don’t you try something a little bit spicier?’

  ‘No!’ she said, holding her hand up. ‘I know what I can handle and I can’t cope with the amount of chillies you and your brother put away.’

  She glanced at Harry who was stuffing his face and smiling at her.

  ‘I
love Thai,’ he said and sighed with happiness. ‘Where’s my beer?’

  ‘You drank it dear,’ Dee said, taking a sliver of food in her mouth and chewing as if someone had asked her to eat a maggot.

  ‘I should have got Chinese,’ Maya said, losing her appetite at the prospect of telling them her news.

  ‘Dee just eat something,’ scowled Harry who then rolled his eyes.

  ‘I’m eating!’ snapped Dee. ‘I’ll get the beer then. Don’t you want a drink Maya?’

  ‘No, I’ve got to work on the website when I get home,’ she said and sipped her mineral water.

  ‘Your detox seems to be working. You look less haggard,’ grinned Harry. ‘It won’t last.’

  ‘I need to tell you something,’ she said, looking at her brother and wanting him to stop eating.

  There was a knock on the door and Dee went to see who it was.

  ‘Hello there,’ Adam said, followed by Alice. Maya sighed deeply and looked at Adam who winked at her. ‘What’s the occasion and why wasn’t I invited?’

  ‘I just got them a takeaway,’ she replied, knowing she couldn’t say anything with Adam in earshot. She smiled at Alice who was looking down at the food. ‘Have some. There’s loads. Dee’s not into Thai.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Alice said, sitting next to Maya.

  She examined Adam’s new squeeze and saw traces of Tony but she looked more like her mother.

  ‘Of course I am,’ smiled Maya reassuringly. ‘Tuck in!’

  ‘Dad was asking about you, wasn’t he Adam?’ said Alice as Adam walked back into the dining room with two beers and placed them on the table before flashing Maya a look.

  ‘He wanted to know why he hasn’t seen you,’ Adam said, sitting down next to Alice and smiling at Maya.

  She noticed he then shook his head and reached over to get some food.

  ‘I’ve been very busy,’ replied Maya.

  ‘What were you going to say?’ asked Harry.

  ‘Pardon?’ she replied, looking as blank as she possibly could. ‘Oh, it’s not important. It can wait.’

  ‘What can wait?’ said Dee, walking back in and sitting down with a glass of wine. ‘Are you sure you don’t want a drink?

  ‘I’m fine,’ sighed Maya and tried not to glance at Adam but when she did he was munching away.

  She felt relieved he hadn’t noticed.

  ‘What have you been up to?’ asked Dee, looking straight at her.

  ‘Working hard at the moment I’m afraid. I’ve got to write an operations manual so it’s doing my head in,’ Maya smiled and looked at Harry.

  Everyone on the table was ignoring her except Dee who was looking at her slyly.

  ‘Dad said he might have upset you,’ Alice said brightly and Maya noticed she grabbed Adam’s thigh and squeezed it tightly but he seemed oblivious.

  ‘In what way?’ asked Dee who was sipping her wine slowly and glanced at Maya.

  ‘The website,’ Alice quietly replied, wiping her mouth on the napkin. ‘He wants to buy Maya’s website.’

  ‘You’re joking!’ spluttered Harry. ‘How much for?’

  ‘I’m not selling,’ Maya harshly replied and pushed some rice in her mouth to disguise her anger with Tony.

  ‘Did he tell you how much he wanted to offer?’ Harry persisted. ‘I never thought you could make a fast buck out of that hobby of yours.’

  ‘The conversation didn’t get that far,’ Maya said, forcing a smile at Alice. ‘It’s not for sale. I’m not up for selling my soul and that of my ladies to the devil.’

  ‘Are you calling my dad a devil?’ laughed Alice sipping her beer. ‘That’d be a first.’

  ‘What I mean is that it doesn’t need to have advertisers on it. It’s about support not if ‘Johnson and Johnson’ can put an advert about baby bath,’ she quietly replied. ‘And I don’t want it associated with ‘Pregnancy Talk’ as they cover a multitude of ages and it’ll dilute what my website is all about.’

  ‘You’ve thought it through then?’ smiled Dee, seemingly unconvinced. ‘Are you alright Maya?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said, feeling a little nauseated. ‘It’s just when I think about selling the website, which would also be undermining to all the people that log into it, it makes me very angry.’

  ‘And that’s all?’ said Adam, looking up at her and grinning. ‘Nothing else pissing you off?

  ‘No,’ she said and looked at her brother. ‘Can I talk to you privately, Harry?’

  ‘Privately?’ he laughed then narrowed his eyes at her. ‘About what?’

  ‘If I wanted everyone to know then I wouldn’t ask to speak to you on your own, would I?’ she sighed.

  ‘What’s so private you can’t say it in front of me?’ quipped Dee, reaching for the wine and topping up her glass.

  ‘Oh, do you want me to go?’ Alice quickly replied, looking at them.

  ‘Not at all,’ Maya smiled and put her hand on the girl’s arm. ‘I want to have a word with my brother but if he can’t be arsed to talk to me, that’s fine.’

  ‘Alright,’ he said, pushing his plate away and standing up. ‘I knew this was too good to be true but if you’re going to ask me for a loan I can’t help you.’

  ‘No money is involved and I’m the one who usually lends it out, aren’t I?’ she said as Harry stood up going a little red. ‘I won’t take long.’

  ‘So it’s a private family chinwag, is it?’ said a slighted Dee.

  ‘Yes,’ said Maya and stood up, following her brother into the kitchen.

  ‘What do you want?’ he said, standing there with folded arms as he looked bored.

  ‘I’m not quite sure how you’re going to react to this so here goes.’

  ‘Why would I react badly to it?’

  ‘I don’t know. Harry I’m-.’

  ‘Spit it out, I want to eat and-’

  ‘Oh shut up Harry!’ snapped Maya. ‘I’m pregnant!’

  Both of them jumped as they heard a bottle crash to the ground and Maya quickly turned to see Adam standing there, his mouth open.

  ‘You’re what?’ Adam said, looking at her in complete shock.

  ‘You’re pregnant!’ shouted Harry and pushed his hands through his hair. ‘How the hell did that happen?’

  ‘What’s going on?’ said Dee, rushing out and looking at the three of them.

  Maya was trying to overcome the expression on Adam’s face.

  ‘Dee. I’m pregnant,’ Maya calmly said. ‘I went to a clinic and got a sperm donation. I’ve done it a few times and this time it worked.’

  She looked as all three of them stood completely motionless.

  ‘Congratulations!’ said Alice, walking past her family and giving her a massive hug. ‘That’s fantastic news.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Maya, glancing at the other three. ‘And before you say anything I’m very happy, thanks for asking.’

  ‘I…I…’ Harry didn’t know what to say but was staring at her and from the corner of her eye she could see Dee shaking her head.

  ‘This isn’t right,’ Dee huffed. ‘You paid for someone to donate their… it’s not natural.’

  ‘It is perfectly natural, just how I did it wasn’t your run of the mill procedure. It’s still a little baby,’ Maya said, seeing they weren’t happy at the news. ‘I’m forty two and I want a baby and thank goodness, I’m getting one. I don’t care if you’re not happy for me but I’m bloody delighted.’

  Maya walked past them, crushing the glass under her feet, grabbing her bag and jacket and walked out. Furious with the reaction she marched down the road but glanced in at Tony’s house to see he was with someone in the living room which infuriated her more.

  As soon as she got home the laptop was switched on and she logged in to the website.

  ‘Dear All

  A quick update on what’s going on with me. I’m thirteen weeks pregnant and completely delighted. Lady luck is smiling and I shall keep you informed of my progress. My conception was not ru
n of the mill (I’ll explain one day) but the outcome is the best ever.

  I’m going to be pushing in my forties and I’ve never been happier.

  Keep on logging in and sending us your news.

  Maya

  Pushing over 40’

  Maya sat back on her chair and thought about the reaction she’d just received. At least she knew the women on the website would be happier for her. Then she thought of Adam and his look of complete shock. She gulped hard and waited to see what he was going to do next. There was a text on her mobile. It was from Adam.

  ‘I think we need to talk’

  ‘When were you going to tell me?’ he hissed as they sat in a coffee shop the following day.

  Maya looked around to see who was in earshot.

  ‘I was going to tell you but I wanted to talk to Harry first,’ she quietly said. ‘I knew he wouldn’t take the news well so I thought I’d let it-.’

  ‘I’m the father,’ he said, through gritted teeth. ‘I’m going to be a dad.’

  ‘No you’re not,’ she replied, leaning closer to him. ‘Remember it was a sperm donation.’

  ‘Unless my sperm bounced off your thigh and went up your fanny I think you’ll find that we had sex!’ he snapped as Maya glanced around to see if anyone heard. ‘I thought you said you couldn’t get pregnant as something to do with something?’

  ‘That’s what I thought so you can imagine the shock when I found out it was positive.’ Maya gulped hard and could see he wasn’t pleased. ‘You heard what I said. I told them it was a sperm donation so no one need know about your involvement.’

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ he said, putting his hands over his face. ‘Only you could cock something up.’

  ‘What do you mean cock it up? You knew I wanted to get pregnant and you offered,’ she said, astonished at his accusation.

  ‘We fucked for twenty four hours and you said it was four days past your ovu…something… so how the hell can you get pregnant?’

  ‘I could have got my dates wrong or you have the fastest swimming sperm and it hit my egg just at the right time. How do I know?’ she said aghast. ‘I did ask at the hospital and they sort of ignored my concerns because it’s a few days here or there.’