Regretting Gabriel

by Brooks, Anna

  Gabriel

  I stare at my face in the bathroom mirror of the hotel I’ve been staying at thinking the same thought over and over and over. I needed to get away from her. Need to be alone. What the fuck is wrong with me? How could I do that to her? I hurt her… I did the one thing I swore I’d never fuckin’ ever do to a woman. And I have to go and do it to the only one I’ll ever love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

  I can’t sleep, so I end up lying in the bed, staring at the blank ceiling. I have nothing more to think about. There’s no sense in trying to justify what I did because it’ll never be okay to lay my hands on her like I did.

  She’s better off without me, and I keep telling myself that until my alarm goes off on my phone. I drag my sorry ass out of bed and take a shower and put clean clothes on, then go to the bar to meet the guys.

  They’ll be able to tell something’s wrong right away, but I ain’t about to get into it with them.

  I pull the door to Kelly’s open and march straight to the table where the guys are, only looking up enough to lift my chin at Nik behind the bar. I grab a glass and pour a beer from the pitcher. “Uh, hey dude,” Mike greets.

  “Hey.”

  “How’s Cady?” Jamie asks.

  I glare at him. “Cady and I are done, and I don’t wanna fuckin’ talk about it.” I flip the chair around and sit down.

  “Okay, man. No questions.” Jamie raises his hands. “Only wanna make sure you’re good.”

  I scoff. “I’m fan-fuckin-tastic.” This is my life now. Back to what it used to be before, but instead of a cold-hearted bastard, I’m now a lonely hearted bastard. And I deserve to be alone. I will be. Forever.

  “When is Ian getting here?” I look at Mike, asking him about our manager who’s flying in for a meeting so we can discuss the future of the band.

  “Any minute.”

  I top off my beer, and as I’m taking a drink, Ian walks up to the table. “Hey, guys.” We all give fist bumps or a handshake and return greetings. “Damn, that flight sucked. I need a beer.”

  Mike grabs the pitcher and pours one for Ian.

  “Thanks. So before we get into it, I wanna know how you guys are. Where you’re at mentally with your personal life and the band.”

  “I’m good, Ian.” Mike speaks first. “Seriously good and ready to go. All we need is a drummer, and then we can get some tour dates set, but fuck, it’s hard to find anyone halfway decent.” We’ve been reviewing resumes and talking to all our contacts about ideas, and so far, we haven’t found someone who is even a remote possibility.

  “I know,” he agrees. “What about you, Jamie? How are things with you?”

  He smiles, and I’d laugh at how his face gets all soft, but just last week, I would have been the same way if someone asked me that. “Perfect.”

  “How are you feeling about hittin’ the road again?”

  “I’m ready. Mercy’s cool with it, so I am, too. It’s gonna suck being away, but I was hoping we could work on making sure there’s enough time every few weeks for me to at least fly back so I can be home a couple of days.”

  Ian nods as he smiles. “I’m sure we can work something out. What about you, Gabe?”

  “I’m ready to get the fuck outta here as soon as possible.”

  Ian raises a brow. “Things not good anymore?”

  “No.”

  He nods and knows not to question me more. He’s been our manager for a long time, so he understands us all like the back of his hand. “Okay. So I have good news and bad news. What do you want first?”

  “Bad,” the three of us say in unison.

  “Okay. Bad news is, it might not be a permanent solution, but I found a guy who’s willing to go on the next tour.”

  “Ian, man…” Mike runs his hands through his hair. “We can’t keep going back and forth. Our flow is getting fucked in a major way, and the fuckin’ album isn’t coming along at all. We need a permanent solution, not a goddamned Band-Aid.”

  He smiles mischievously. “Are you ready for the good news?”

  “Let’s hear it, but we’re circling back around to the bad because we’ve gotta figure this shit out once and for all.”

  “Okay.” Ian types a text real quick and then rubs his hands together. “Gimmie just a second.”

  The three of us look around at each other as we wait, confused as hell, and when Liam walks up to the table, we all greet him. Last time we talked, he said he was staying home with Melody and Meara since she took off work until the new year.

  “Am I interrupting?” He shakes hands with Ian. “Hey, man. Good to see you again.”

  “Same. And no, you’re not. Grab a seat if you’d like.”

  Jamie sits up, already defensive of his brother. “We should probably shelve our discussion for a bit.” Everything we, as a band, have gone through the past four or so years has been tough; starting with Liam and Meara’s struggles and ending with the shit with Kolby. And although we’re all close, Jamie and Liam are brothers, so Jamie hates talking band stuff around Liam because he doesn’t want to make him feel like shit for leaving us.

  Not that we’re mad at him or would ever want him to feel guilty, especially when we all know how fucking hard it was for him to make the decision to leave so he could concentrate on Meara and their life together. If any two people deserve to be happy together, it’s them. So yeah, we’re all on the same page about it, but Jamie’s the most adamant about it.

  “I can leave.” Liam goes to stand, but Ian grabs his arm.

  “Why would you leave? We were just talking about you.”

  “You told them?” he asks.

  Ian nods. “Just waiting for them to pick up on it.”

  “Wait. What?” Jamie asks, dumbfounded.

  I laugh. “You’ve gotta be shittin’ me.”

  “Are you serious right now?” Mike asks.

  “I’d like for you guys to meet your new drummer. That is… if you’ll have him, of course.”

  Liam laughs at us. “You should see your faces right now. I told you guys I was working on something, but you never asked me what it was.”

  “No way. Nope. This isn’t happening.” Jamie stands, and his chair flies out from behind him. “No. You are not going to be guilted into this.”

  “I’m not, Jamie.”

  “How the hell did this happen?” Mike shakes his head. “And how did we not know about this until now?”

  Ian holds up his finger as he takes a drink of his beer. “I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure.”

  “How did this happen?” Mike repeats.

  “I contacted him.” Liam points at his brother. “Sit down, Jamie.”

  “What does Meara say about this?”

  “She’s good, brother, and wants me to go. She knows how much I miss it. And Ian and I have already discussed some of my stipulations, one of which is no more than three weeks without a break enough for me to come back and be with my girls for a few days. Holidays, birthdays, and other important shit need to be scheduled around, too.”

  I can’t help but laugh at that. “God, you two are too fuckin’ similar.” I motion between Lee and Jamie. “He said the same thing.”

  “Where is she?” Jamie is not amused.

  “Doing some stuff in the office.”

  “Are you sure?” Jamie’s voice drops. “You don’t have to do this. We can figure it out. We can—”

  Liam cuts him off. “I need to do this.”

  Jamie finally loses the battle and smiles. “Fuck, man.” He drops his head and rushes over to his brother, the two of them hugging and hitting each other on the back, saying shit to the other one that nobody else can hear.

  “Liam’s back, bitches!” Mike yells, and Jamie laughs, slapping his brother on the back one more time. “Fuck yeah, he is!”

  Everyone’s excited as fuck, and after we all talk about things for a few minutes, I excuse myself from the table. The first thing I thought is that I want to tell C
ady the good news, but I lost her to share things with, and that reminds me that I straight up lost her.

  I normally love chaos and energize from the noise, but right now, it’s all too fuckin’ much. I hate not having Cady with me, I hate that I fucked us up, and I hate that I had so little time with her before I fucked it up, just like I knew I would. Like I pretended to deny because I was falling for her so hard so fast, I didn’t want to face the possibility that I could ever hurt her like that.

  But I did.

  And she deserves so much more than a bastard like me, and it’s the worst damn feeling in the world to know that everything that ruined us is my fault. That she’s going to regret me. Because I will not only not regret our time together, but I’ll cherish it and remember every second of it for the rest of my life.

  I need to get out of here. I need some goddamned space. I set my empty beer bottle on a table and head toward the back of the bar to get some air. When I push the door open, I see her right away, and it pisses me off that she’s back here by herself.

  “What are you doing out here all alone, woman?”

  Meara jumps and tosses a cigarette into the snow.

  “Are you smoking again?”

  She shrugs. “Please don’t tell Lee.”

  “Babe.”

  “Please, Gabe.”

  “Why’d you start again?”

  She crosses her arms and shakes her head, pressing her lips together. “Just leave it alone.”

  “You don’t want him to come on the road with us, do you?”

  Her eyes become wet, and she looks down at her booted foot as she pushes some snow back and forth. I’ve known her for almost my entire life, and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen her cry. “I do. I’m just going to miss him, and Melody’s going to more.” She clears her throat. “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Why are you out here all alone, and better yet, why aren’t you here with Cady?”

  Just hearing her name makes me hollow in my heart overflow for one beat. “That didn’t work out.”

  “Aww, damn. Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  Part of why Meara is such a cool chick is because she’s just chill. She doesn’t ever push things and always goes with the flow. So when she pats me on the arm as she walks by, I’m not surprised she doesn’t say anything else.

  Once the door slams shut behind her, I bend at the waist and rest my hands on the tops of my thighs. “Fuck.” I curse to myself. I can’t believe how much I fuckin’ miss Cady. I literally can’t stop thinking about her. And the thing that sucks the most is we’re not going to be hittin’ the road for another few months so we can have time to record a single and Ian can organize the tour to the new specifications.

  It’s fucking freezing out here, and as much as I want to leave, I can’t. Ian asked us all to hang around until after the ball dropped so he could get some pictures for social media for when we do the announcement. He wants all the streamers and decorations in the background with some cheesy ass quote that says New Year—Old School or Old Band or some shit.

  So as soon as he gets what he needs, I’m outta here.

  Cady

  I don’t know why I’m doing this. I mean, I know why, but at the same time, I don’t. What purpose me showing up at the bar has to do with anything. I just can’t leave things the way they ended. I need to explain. I want him to at least understand.

  He won’t answer my calls and doesn’t respond to my texts. He’s not at his house, and anyone I ask either doesn’t know where he is or won’t tell me. So since I know where he’s supposed to be tonight, I take a shot in the dark and hope that he’s here.

  He might be mad at me for not telling him who my dad is, but that’s not a reason to break up. I mean, my God. He talked about a future together, marriage. And now he won’t even speak to me because I omitted one little thing?

  No way.

  Not having it.

  The past few days have been miserable for me, and it pisses me off that he’s being such a stubborn ass about this. I walk into the bar just as the countdown begins and scan the area for him. I don’t even know if he ended up coming or not, but I really freaking hope he did.

  Ten

  Nine

  Eight

  Meara is at the bar with Liam, and her face is buried against his chest. His lips brush the top of her hair, and I can see them moving as his hand grips the hair at the back of her head.

  Seven

  Six

  I look away from them, still scanning. Stepping deeper into the crowd of people.

  Five

  Four

  It feels like forever, but I finally see him. My entire body jolts, and I suck in a breath through parted lips at how seeing him gives my body a literal shock.

  Three

  His head snaps up like he senses me, and dead eyes stare back at me. Blank face. Emotionless.

  Two

  My heart heavy and soul empty, I pray he doesn’t walk away again.

  One

  Time stands still as everyone cheers. The glitter and streamers in the air don’t hinder my view of him. Nothing will. He’s not going to make a move, so I do. I take one step, then two, then I stop. Because that stupid bitch with the blond hair and red lips comes out of nowhere and puts both of her skanky hands on his chest and slides them up to his face. She turns his head, and then pulls it down to hers. Just before their lips touch, his eyes find mine again. And I don’t even recognize the man staring back at me.

  I can’t remember the way he used to look at me with such promise with his eyes. Can’t hear him telling me how much he cares. Can’t feel his hands on me, worshipping my body. I can’t even remember what he felt like inside me.

  All I can do is absorb the pain. To my gut, my heart, my head. The sheer torture of seeing my biggest fucking fear played out in front of me. I never thought he’d do this. I never thought he’d make me regret him, but right now, this pain, the torture of this hurt is going to kill me.

  I stumble, my body needing to move, but my feet not allowing the movement. I have to cover my mouth so I don’t puke, and then I turn and get the hell away from here. I push through bodies and don’t even stop my momentum when I reach the door. I yank it open, and even though it’s slippery, I run.

  There are so many people outside celebrating the new year, I bump into a few of them on the way. It seems like it takes forever. It’s so cold, and my eyes are so blurry, I have to stick my hands out to make my way to my door. And even if I was able to see, I still wouldn’t have noticed him.

  Because my apartment was pitch black. And the second I open my door, I’m pulled through, and my back is slammed against it. “Hi, Cady.” I open my mouth to scream, but Chris puts his hand over it, and I feel something cold and sharp against my neck. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

  I swallow, and the metal digs in a little more. I whimper.

  “See, now I thought you were out here all alone, working in the library, reading stories and singing to little kids.” Oh God, he’s had me followed? “But then I see this picture online, and it’s you. And him.” He sneers. “And his mouth is on you, and all those people are watching you misbehave. Kissing boys in public… That is not how a good girl behaves.”

  I whimper and choke when I try to gulp in air, but nothing enters my windpipe.

  “If I let go, will you be good and stay quiet?”

  “Yes,” I mumble behind his hand because I don’t want to nod.

  His hand falls away as does the knife, and I suck in lungsful of air. I hear him inhale, and my body quivers in disgust. “Good girl.”

  “What do you want?”

  “You need to come home. As you can see…” He chuckles because my apartment is mostly black, and I can’t see hardly anything. “I’ve already taken the liberty of packing the things you’ll need. I’ve gotta say, I knew you liked sexy undies, but I had no idea you liked them so, so naughty.”
r />   “Chris, I—”

  “You’ll nothing, Cadence. It’s been too long, and I’m through waiting. Time to come home so I can punish you like you deserve.”

  “But I—”

  A knock on my door makes me jump, Gabriel calling my name makes my eyes wet, and Chris quickly pokes me in the back with the knife. “You say one fucking word, and I’ll gut you. Think lover boy will like knowing he’s the reason you’re dead? Do you really want to put that on him? You know what it feels like to kill somebody you love; do you really want him to live the rest of his life feeling like you do?”

  God, he’s evil. So fucking evil.

  “Cady, open up.”

  “You gonna keep quiet?” Chris poses the question, but we both know there’s only one answer.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  “Good girl. Now say goodbye.”

  He shoves me so I lurch forward, and I slowly open the door since there’s a knife digging into my back. A fresh swell of tears fall down my cheeks seeing him. God. He’s so damn handsome, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. “Now’s not a good time,” I tell him before he can open his mouth. His mouth that has red fucking lipstick still on it. The knife pokes into my back, and I wince. “You need to leave.”

  Gabriel peeks into my apartment, and when he sees that it’s dark, his eyebrows draw together. His already tense body coils even tighter. “Looks like you’re about to go to bed, huh?”

  “Yup.”

  “You gonna be able to find your bed in the dark?”

  I swallow, trying to buy time and subliminally tell him that one wrong move could make it so I have a blade through my back. But when Chris shoves it into my spine, I nearly yelp. “Yes, I always sleep with the lights off.” Please. God, please let him understand what’s happening right now. “So, if you could go so I can go to sleep…”

  He studies me for a beat. He blinks and shrugs. “Okay, Cady. You do that. Goodbye.” Then he turns on his heel and walks away.

  Chris reaches out and shoves the door closed, then flicks the deadbolt. I stare at the blurry door handle, praying for it to twist and Gabriel to open it again. But I know it’s not going to. He’s not going to. And I wonder why I don’t just let Chris kill me now since I’d rather die than go back to him.