Last Goodbye

by Holly C. Webb

  “I know,” Will sighed, giving me a smile. “And you have been amazing these last two weeks. In fact, I don’t know how I would have survived without you. And I know it means the world to Cass to have you back in her life.”

  “I know,” I sighed, remembering the look on her face before she climbed into the car, back at the hospital. “It means everything to me too, Will.”

  “I know that Cassie can shut down sometimes,” Will continued, surprising me with his comment. “Since you and she... well, you know. Well, she’s kept everyone at a safe distance. But these last couple of weeks, in spite of everything, I’ve seen glimpses of the old Cassie. Something I never thought I’d see in her again. I know this is hard. In fact, it’s probably the hardest thing we’ll ever face in our lives. Just please, don’t let her push you away again. She needs her best friend right now.”

  “I promise,” I assured him. “This time, I’m going nowhere.”

  “Good,” Will said, giving me a grateful smile, before he turned and headed down the driveway towards his car, and where my father was waiting for us. Taking a deep breath, I set off down the driveway too.

  We pulled Cassie’s things from the car and headed back up the driveway towards the house.

  “Oh hey, Evan,” Dad said as we were walking up the front steps. “Did you sort things out with the newspaper?”

  I froze at his question. I hadn’t told Cassie or Will about my internship. I had called the paper two days after I got to the hospital and explained that I didn’t think I would be able to begin at the paper a little over a week later.

  The guy I was supposed to be working under was very understanding, but he said there was no way he could push out the internship any longer than a week, but I knew I needed longer than that. There was no way I could go to San Francisco now and leave Cassie while she was going through this

  . He did say that I could apply again the following summer for another internship, and he would do whatever he could to get me the position.

  “Uh, yeah,” I said, not really wanting to talk about it in front of Will. I knew he would tell Cassie about the internship, and she would freak out and insist I took it if she knew the truth about it. “It’s all sorted.”

  “What newspaper?” Will asked as he followed us up the steps and into the house.

  “Evan landed an internship at the San Francisco Chronicle,” Dad replied, and I knew this was not going to go well. “He was supposed to begin a couple of days ago, but he called them to ask could he push it out for a few weeks.”

  “And they let you do that?” Will asked, giving me a surprised look.

  “Well, it’s complicated,” I said, wishing that right at that moment, I was anywhere other than there.

  “What’s complicated,” Mom asked as she watched out from the kitchen.

  “Nothing that matters right now,” I said heading for the stairs. “I’m going to get Cassie’s things up to her room.”

  “Evan,” Dad called my name, stopping me before I managed to escape up the stairs. “Answer the question. What’s happening with the internship? Why is it complicated?”

  “When I called the guy,” I said turning slowly to face my parents and Will. “I explained that right now, I need to be here, and asked if there was any way they could push out my start date. He said he would’ve loved to be able to help, but he couldn’t delay the start date for as long as I needed him to.”

  “So,” Dad said, giving me a confused look. “What does that mean?”

  “It means the internship is gone, Dad,” I explained, knowing that my dad was not going to be thrilled I just walked away from the internship. For him, working hard and finding your path in life was the most important thing in the world. When I called to say I’d landed the internship, he told me that he’d never been prouder of me than he was at that very moment. “He said I can re-apply next summer, and that he would do whatever it took to help me.”

  “You gave up an internship?” Will asked, looking as stunned as my mother and father did right at that moment. “Why didn’t you tell us about this, Evan?”

  “Because I know Cassie,” I said in a hushed voice, afraid she would hear the conversation. “She would have insisted I go to San Francisco. Or worse still, she would have blamed herself if she knew I gave it up to be with her.”

  “But Evan, this is about your future,” Will said, surprising me that of the three of them, he was the one busting my ass. “This is your dream.”

  “And it’s about Cassie’s future too, Will,” I sighed. “Right now, she needs me more than some stupid newspaper, I can’t go to San Francisco and leave her when she needs me the most. I will not lose her again.”

  “Evan, I know you want to be there for Cassie,” Dad finally said, giving me a worried look. “We all do. But this is your career we’re talking about. Your future. You might not get this chance again. I really think you should think about this a little more.”

  “It’s just a year, Dad,” I tried to reason, but I knew that nothing I said right at that moment would make a difference. “I will apply again next year. In the meantime, I will look for a part time job here in Santa Barbara. That way, I can be there for Cass as she is fighting this thing. It’s not even a choice for me.”

  “I just don’t think you’ve thought this through, Son,” Dad replied, impatiently. “This all seems so sudden.”

  “There was nothing to think about, Dad” I said walking back down the stairs, setting down the bag I was carrying on the hall floor. “This isn’t about me; it’s not even about you. This is about Cassie. My best friend, who is really sick right now. She needs me and I am not letting her down, not again.”

  “I don’t think now is the time to be having this discussion,” Mom said in a hushed voice as she moved further out into the hallway, giving Dad and I a pleading look. “Cassie has just come home. Let’s focus on that right now.”

  “What’s going on?” Cassie asked, as she appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.

  “Nothing, Sweetie,” Mom said, turning to Cassie, giving her a warm smile.

  “I thought I heard you guys arguing,” she continued, as she gave me a questioning look, before she looked at everything else.

  “I think that Evan should tell you what he’s done,” my dad said, his eyes never leaving me. I couldn’t believe he said what he’s just said.

  “You know something, Dad,” I said taking a step closer to him, almost wishing I could have knocked him on his ass. “I love you, but sometimes you can be a real asshole.”

  “Evan!” Will exclaimed, sounding surprised that I would speak to my father like that.

  “Cassie,” I said, turning to look at her finally. “I’ll be back later. I think I need to go do some stuff right now.”

  “Evan!” Mom said this time, but I was already heading out the door, slamming it shut behind me.

  I hurried down the steps of Will’s house and took the shortcut through the bushes to the back of my house. It was a short cut Cassie and I had created when we were kids.

  When I reached the house, I hurried up the stairs and into my old bedroom, slamming the door behind once more. I stood for a moment in the middle of the room, trying to catch my breath as my heart raced in my chest.

  This was not the homecoming I was hoping for. Everything about this was a mess, and now, thanks to my dad, it was fucked up even more.

  “FUCK!” I yelled as I picked up my old football from the set of drawers next to my bed and hurled it across the room, smashing into a shelf of trophies I’d won back in high school. They crashed to the floor below with a bang, sending some spinning across the room.

  I pushed my hands through my hair as I walked to the bed and slumped down onto it, wishing I could just wave a magic wand and make this alright somehow. But I couldn’t. Everything was such a mess.

  I closed my eyes, and instantly Cassie’s face crashed into my mind, as a wave of grief washed over my body, almost consuming me. Finally, I let go of t
he tears I’d been fighting for the last two weeks.

  I cried for how lost I was feeling right at that moment. I cried for the time I had lost with Cassie because we had both been too damn stubborn to just talk to each other, and I cried for the future we may not get to have now.

  But mostly, I cried for myself; because, I didn’t know how to live in a world that didn’t have Cassie North in it. Losing her was just not an option for me. But right at that moment, I’d never felt more scared that losing her was just something I couldn’t stop from happening.

  Chapter 8

  Cassie

  As I tapped softly on Evan’s door, a million memories from my childhood came crashing into my mind. The only time I ever knocked on Evan’s door back then was whenever I knew he was upset about something. Like the time his grandpa Amos passed away, devastating Evan, or when his dog, Patches was hit by a car and killed.

  Each time I came looking for him here in his room, I would hold him as he cried, just like he had done for me whenever my life got a little tough.

  I guess that this time was no different.

  I’d stood there at the door for a few moments before I knocked and listened to him crying; it had almost shattered my heart. Part of me wondered if I should just leave him in peace. I was probably the last person he wanted to see right in that moment. But part of me wanted to burst through the door and hold him tightly until there were no tears left inside him. The worst part was, I knew his tears were because of me.

  When he rushed out of our house a short time earlier, I demanded to know what the hell was going on. Dad had explained to me that Evan had secured an internship in San Francisco, but that he’d given it up to stay in Santa Barbara with me.

  Of course, I was upset that he’d done something so incredibly stupid. As long as I could remember, Evan wanted to be a sports journalist. But there was also part of me that was relieved that he wasn’t leaving, not right now when I needed him the most. I just hated that my cancer seemed to be ruining everyone else’s life too.

  Still, I knew the right thing to do was march over to the house and tell him he needed to call the newspaper and tell them that he was still interested in taking the internship position. But when I reached his room a few minutes earlier and heard him crying through the door, something stopped me from rushing straight into his room and telling him what’s what.

  “Mom, can you just give me a few minutes,” he croaked from beyond the door, and I knew he was now scrambling to make it look like he hadn’t been crying.

  “Evan, it’s not Clare,” I said, pressing my head against the door. “It’s me. Can you please let me come in?”

  “Cass!” He exclaimed, and I could hear him scrambling up from his bed, then hurrying towards the door. When he swung it open, his face was filled with panic; his eyes were red and puffy from crying. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

  “I could ask you the same question,” I replied, giving him a sad smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “You know you’re supposed to be resting,” he said, ignoring my question. He quickly took me by the hand, leading me into his room to sit down on the bed. “What were you thinking coming all the way over here?”

  “All the way over here?” I laughed, still watching him closely. “It’s right next door. You do know I’m not an invalid, Evan, nor am I dead yet.”

  “Cassie,” he sighed, giving me a disapproving look. “That’s not even close to being funny.”

  “I know,” I said, giving him an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. But you guys have got to lighten up a little. This thing is depressing enough without you all walking around on eggshells, determined not to upset me.”

  “We’re just worried about you, Cass,” Evan said getting up from the chair, before kneeling down in front of me. “We care about you, so, we just want what’s best for you.”

  “And is giving up the newspaper in San Francisco, best for me too?” I asked, giving him a knowing look. “Evan, that was your dream.”

  “It will still be there once you’re well again,” he reasoned, giving me a strange look. “But I can’t leave you again. Cassie. These last six years have been miserable without having my best friend in my life. Don’t ask me to move to San Francisco knowing that you’re here, going through this thing. Besides, I just got you back into my life, why the hell would I leave you again so soon.”

  “And this morning in the hospital?” I asked, knowing I probably should have just let what happened at the hospital go, but it was bothering me. “You want to tell me what had crawled up your ass?”

  “Oh that … that was nothing,” he shrugged, giving me a nervous smile. “I’m sorry for being an asshole. I think I’m just tired.”

  “Then you need to get some rest,” I said giving him a tired smile, knowing exactly how he was feeling. As much as I tried to pretend that I wasn’t, I was ready to just crash out. I hated that I just have so little energy now.

  “I will,” he said as he stood up and sat down next to me on the bed. “But first I need to get my bestie home before the others have a search party out looking for you.”

  “Can’t we just stay here for a few moments longer,” I asked with a sigh, resting my head down on his shoulder. “I just want a moment where everyone isn’t looking at cancer girl, waiting for her to keel over and kick the bucket.”

  “Can you stop it with the dying jokes,” Evan grumbled as he rested his head against the top of my head. “I know what you’re trying to do, but please stop.”

  “I’m sorry,” I sighed once more, knowing that I needed to stop. “No more cheesy jokes, I promise.”

  “Good,” he replied, sounding almost relieved. “Because I’m not ready to laugh about this yet, Cass. I’m scared.”

  “Me too,” I whispered and released a long, tired breath.

  We sat side by side in silence for the longest time. It felt nice not to have to fill the silence with pointless chatter. Sitting in the hospital, Dad couldn’t cope with empty silences. Every time the room fell silent, Dad would jump straight in with another pointless fact about some random subject or other. It was completely and utterly exhausting at times. There were days I just wanted to beg him to stop, but I didn’t. I knew that it was his coping mechanism, and that he was just trying his hardest to make everything okay.

  “Are you ready for tomorrow?” Evan finally asked without lifting his head from mine.

  “No,” I replied honestly. “But I guess I don’t have much of a choice.”

  “I guess you don’t,” Evan sighed. “I was wondering…would it be okay if I came with you? I mean, I know you probably want your dad there, but I was hoping that, if it was okay, that you would let me come too.”

  “Would you really do that?” I asked, lifting my head from his shoulder, looking up into his eyes.

  “Why else do you think I didn’t go to San Francisco?” He laughed as he softly kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and held my breath as my skin tingled from the touch of his lips against my skin. “Besides, you’re gonna need someone to hold back all that hair when you throw up.”

  “Wow!” I replied, then laughed as I playfully slapped his arm. “My hero!”

  “At your service,” he laughed as his eyes met mine, holding them for a few moments longer than he should have.

  Slowly his smile faded, as his breathing became shallower. Slowly his eyes dropped down to my lips, and for the briefest moment, I thought he was going to kiss me.

  But he didn’t. Instead, he bolted up from the bed as if he’d struck by lightning.

  “We really should get you home,” he said suddenly unable to look at me any longer. “Your dad will be wondering where you’ve gotten to.”

  “Okay,” I replied, feeling completely confused by his behaviour. He glanced at me, and I gave him a smile, but inside my heart was thumping so fast as my mind was racing.

  Shit! I cried in my head. Get your shit together!

  Evan returned my smile,
but he still looked strange. He walked to the door and opened it before he turned and looked at me expectantly.

  “I guess we should go,” I sighed before I headed for the door, having no clue what had just happened.

  I sat in the chair and watched the nurse as she took my blood pressure. She explained she needed to do a quick check on my vitals before she set up my IV with the Chemo medicine.

  “Perfect,” she said, giving me a big smile as she removed the blood pressure cup from my arm. “Now I just need to put in an IV so we can draw some blood, before we get your treatment started.”

  “Okay,” I said, giving her a nervous smile. I glanced over at Evan and gave him a smile. Dad was outside talking to Doctor Bridges, the doctor who would be taking care of me while I was going through my treatment in Santa Barbara. She seemed nice, but part of me wished Doctor Altman was here instead.

  He had decided that he was going to go with a chemo cycle of four weeks. This involved me having chemotherapy every day for seven days, then a break of three weeks, giving my body a chance to recover, before we started the whole process over again.

  To say I was scared would have been an understatement. The thoughts of possibly throwing up for hours, or worse still, my hair falling out didn’t exactly fill me with joy.

  There was a list of other side effects from the chemo, none of which sounded particularly pleasant, but those were the two that I worried about the most.

  As the nurse searched my arm for the best vein she could find, I glanced over at Evan once more, who was sitting watching me with concern etched all over his face. He also looked a little queasy, which made me smile.

  “If you want to go get coffee…” I suggested, knowing just how much Evan hated needles.

  “No!” Evan cut me off, giving me a bright smile. “I said I would be here with you, and that means through the needles too.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked and winced as the nurse, whose name was Kate, finally found her vein.

  “Yep,” Evan replied, but his face said he wished he was anywhere but there right at that moment. He coughed to clear his throat before he blew out a deep, calm breath. “I’m good.”