The Stand-In Boyfriend

by Doherty, Emma

  Chase is looking back at me but his face is unreadable.

  “So yeah, Chase, he can be a selfish douche, but he’s also kind and caring and my best friend, so I’m not in love with him because he fills some void left by my dad. I’m in love with him because of him, because he’s Jessie.”

  Chase drops his head. “You’re really in love with him, huh?” He doesn’t look up.

  I sigh. This whole thing has gotten confusing. “We just need to stick to the plan, Chase.”

  He nods.

  “Look, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said that stuff about Abigail.”

  He looks back up at me. “You have a point. I definitely haven’t treated her as well as I should have.”

  “I thought you’d worked it out with her.”

  He shakes his head. “I tried talking to her, said I want us to be friends, but she just keeps dragging up the past.”

  I get the feeling there’s more to it than that. There’s obviously something in their past that has made him feel guilty and responsible for her, but I’m not going to push him on it. Whatever’s between them is obviously as deeply rooted as me and Jessie.

  “I’m sorry for what I said about Abigail and what I said about the other girls you’ve dated. You’re a teenage guy—you can’t help it if the female population for some reason finds you irresistible.”

  He smirks at that, and it feels good. This is how it should be between us—fun and carefree and easy.

  “Obviously that’s none of my business,” I continue. “I was just mad. I’m never like that.”

  He shakes his head. “No, I’m glad you said it. I never want you to think you can’t say what you’re thinking to me.”

  I’m touched. He can be so sweet. I honestly find it hard to match this Chase he shows me with the one he obviously is with Abigail.

  He grins. “We were definitely arguing like a real couple, huh?”

  I return his smile. Yeah, that definitely felt like a real fight. I had no idea I could get so worked up.

  “Everyone thinks we broke up,” he tells me.

  I raise an eyebrow. I definitely knew we were the topic of conversation today, but nobody came right out and asked me about it. “I guess now would be a good time to do it then. We both have soccer championships, and I dunno, I guess the rest…” I trail off when I see the look on his face.

  “I didn’t think you were a quitter, Chapman.”

  What?

  “I mean, is Jessie still with Courtney?”

  I roll my eyes. He knows he is. She was eating his face by his locker today, and he hasn’t even mentioned our kiss to me. I’m beginning to feel like it never happened.

  “You can put up with me a bit longer, right?”

  I’ve actually spent the last day thinking about how much I’ll miss hanging out with Chase when we stop this whole thing. Not speaking to him today was weird enough, but I really don’t think we should carry on with this. I don’t want to be getting jealous if he’s talking to a girl. It’s ridiculous. Jessie is the one I want, and Chase being all nice and gorgeous around me all the time is really starting to mess with my head.

  “This is getting complicated. We shouldn’t be fighting.”

  “We won’t fight again.”

  I sigh thinking about how best to word this. Our fighting isn’t the only thing that’s been bothering me. “I heard you had a college girl hitting on you.”

  He screws his face up in confusion.

  “At your house, the night before my game.”

  “Rosie’s friend?” I nod. He laughs. “Who told you that?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I tell him. “But if some gorgeous girl is hitting on you, I don’t want you to have to say no because of me. It’s not fair. I feel like I’m the only one getting something out of this anymore. I don’t want to step on your toes. You should just be single and do what you want.”

  His eyes pierce mine, and for some reason, my heart is in my throat. It’s my idea to end things between us, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt, doesn’t mean I won’t miss him.

  “Rosie’s friend is a brunette.”

  Huh?

  “And you know I prefer blondes.”

  I start to laugh, shaking my head as he grins back at me. There’s silence between us for a moment while he waits for me to make a decision, to tell him if I’m still in or not, and my fingers automatically start twisting together.

  His eyes are on my hands in a second. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”

  I shrug my shoulders and shove my hands behind my back. It’s weird how well he can read me after such a short amount of time.

  He raises an eyebrow questioningly and even though he has no clue what I’m thinking, I can feel my face burning as I blush.

  “Livy?” I still don’t say anything. “Livy, come on. Talk to me. You know you can tell me anything.”

  My mind returns to Saturday night, to us in the kitchen…me hooking my legs around him, kissing him, letting my hands wander over his body. It’s the furthest I’ve ever gone with a boy—by a long shot—and honestly? The way he was making me feel, if he’d been less of a gentleman and asked me to disappear to his room with him, I’m not sure I would have said no. We wouldn’t have had sex—I know I’m definitely still not ready for that—but I didn’t want his hands off me. I wanted more of that feeling he gave me, and that thought terrifies me.

  “Livy?” His voice is gentle. “What’s bothering you?”

  “We went too far,” I burst out. My face is on fire. I finally look at him. “At your house, on Saturday, when we were in the kitchen—we went too far.”

  Horror flashes across his face and he takes a step toward me before halting. “Do you…did you feel…” He’s tripping over his words he’s so anxious to get them out. “Do you think I pushed you into that?”

  “No,” I shoot back immediately, feeling terrible that he’s interpreted it that way. “No, not at all. I was into it.” That’s the problem. I was too into it.

  He hesitates. “So what was the problem then?”

  I throw my hands up, at a loss for words. I really wish he would just get it. I do not want to have to spell this out for him.

  “Because I was into it too, Livy. I was right there with you.”

  His words do nothing to cool down my face. “We shouldn’t be doing that,” I mutter. “That was more than just a kiss to make Jessie jealous. He wasn’t even there.” Neither was Abigail, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to kiss him under the pretense that they’d hear about it. “Look, I know you’ve done that and more a million times before and it means nothing to you but I haven’t, okay? I’ve never gone so far with a boy and I shouldn’t be doing that with you when we’re faking it. It’s not right. If someone’s kissing me like that I want him to do it because he wants to, not because of some stupid agreement.”

  He stares back at me, processing my words. I bite my lip, waiting for his response. He knows I’m right. He must see that I’m right about this. After what feels like a lifetime he takes a deep breath, his eyes pinning me still. “Livy, there’s nothing fak—”

  “We need to stop this, Chase,” I interrupt, stopping him before he says something I don’t want to hear. Things are starting to change between us; I can feel it and I don’t like it. “We need to end this so you can go back to hanging with girls who don’t freak out over a make-out session and you stop turning down hot college girls for me. It’s not fair to either of us.”

  He turns away from me, leaning his back against the counter. “I don’t feel like this is unfair to me.”

  “I just think—”

  “Livy, I’m telling you I’m still in if you are.”

  “But it’s not benefitting you anymore and it’s not fair.”

  “The second this stops benefiting me, I’ll let you know.”

  “We can’t do what we did on Saturday night again. It’s too confusing.”

  “Why?”

/>   I’m startled at his question. “What…what do you mean?”

  “Why is it confusing?”

  Because it makes me want to never stop kissing you and I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want to think like that when Jessie is the one I want. “You know why.”

  “Tell me.”

  I sigh. I can’t tell him, and no matter what he says, I won’t. “Chase, please. Look, let’s just agree to leave it.”

  He sighs, his fists clenching in frustration, and I feel guilty all over again. This is why we need to stop. We’re not able to keep things separate, and it’s not good for either of us.

  “Chase—”

  “Look, Jessie is still your goal, right?”

  I tilt my head. I don’t understand why he’s doing this, why he’s pushing like this, why he won’t take the easy option that lets us both off the hook.

  “Livy.” His voice is hard and he’s focused back on me. “Jessie is still your goal, right?”

  I nod, because he is, even with Chase and me blurring the lines between us. When Jessie smiles at me, that’s all I see, even in a room full of people. I still want him more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. Chase doesn’t react for a moment, instead staring at the wall across from him, clearly deciding something in his head. Eventually he turns to me with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, his stance determined.

  “Then see it through, Liv. Let’s see if we can make it happen.”

  He makes it sound so simple.

  “Chase—”

  “Honestly, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

  He’s just brushed over all my issues like they’re nothing, and I feel silly for assuming he was struggling with the physical side of things too, like his emotions were getting confused. I really don’t know what to think about him anymore. “I just think it’s best if we stop.”

  “Livy, come on.”

  It’s on my lips to ask him why he’s being so stubborn about this but I don’t. I don’t because I’m scared he’ll tell me something I don’t want to hear that will blow everything apart.

  “Let’s just try a couple more weeks and see if we can get what you want. Then we break up. We could even make it really public and have a massive fight in the cafeteria.”

  I can’t help the smile playing on my lips. That sounds like my worst nightmare, having all those people staring at me, but I’m genuinely starting to think he should try out for the school play.

  “What do you say, Liv?”

  My eyes meet his. He’s trying to look casual leaning up against the counter like he is, but his shoulders are tense. He’s clearly not ready to give this up.

  “No more bitching at Jessie?”

  He nods. “No more bitching at Jessie.”

  “Just two more weeks okay?” I really don’t think my emotions can take any longer than that with this fake relationship. “It’s his birthday in a couple of weeks. If it hasn’t happened by then, we forget it. Deal?”

  “So we’re back on?”

  I sigh and nod my head. I guess we are. At this stage, I’ve got nothing to lose.

  DESPITE US WINNING THE CHAMPIONSHIP, we still have a couple more weeks of casual soccer practice with the intention of keeping our fitness up for those of us playing college soccer, but we train half the amount we used to and I feel like I have a ton of extra time, despite the extra shifts I pick up at the bakery. Florida State got in touch and I officially accepted a scholarship from them, so I can finally start looking forward to next year, can finally start thinking about the end of high school—even though we’ve got months to go—and what will come after.

  Sophie, Jessie, and I have decided to take a road trip this summer no matter what. We’re going to get in Jessie’s car and just drive, head down south and take in as much as we can. I’m looking forward to it more than anyone could possibly believe, but I’m starting to get nervous too. Jessie still hasn’t decided where he’s going to college but chances are it’s out of state, and Sophie will be miles away. I hate the thought of them not being close and it’s already filling me with a sense of anxiety, but I refuse to let it consume me. College will be a big adventure, one I’m lucky to get to experience, and Chase is also going to Florida State (it has one of the best soccer programs in the country) so I know I won’t be completely alone.

  We’ve started eating lunch together too, just the three of us again. Despite Sophie now being back with Mark, he doesn’t come near us during lunchtime, and I told Chase he should eat with his friends too. I have a feeling Jessie told Courtney something similar because she gave me the filthiest look the first time she walked past our table and she definitely always has her eye on us, but she’s gone back to sitting with her friends. I think she might be the only person in the school who isn’t convinced by my relationship with Chase. She still looks at me suspiciously.

  “Five days, guys,” Jessie says as he greets us on Monday morning.

  Sophie raises an eyebrow questioningly.

  “His birthday party,” I explain. I can’t believe she doesn’t know this. I feel like we’ve been talking about Jessie’s 18th birthday since we first got to high school. He’s had it all planned out for years, has watched so many teen movies and has always wanted a full-on rager like you see in them. Red cups, beer pong, kegs, and a live DJ—basically like every party the soccer team throws every weekend, but this one is going to be all about Jessie.

  Sophie nods in understanding. “Are your parents still going to leave for the night?”

  He nods. “They told me if anything gets trashed, I have to pay for it, but they’ll keep my sisters and themselves out of the way the whole night.”

  “It’s going to be awesome, Jessie.”

  He nods but looks a little unsure. “I just hope everyone shows up.”

  I’m surprised. He sounds almost nervous about it. “They will,” I tell him with absolute certainty.

  “What if someone else is throwing something that night? Everyone will go there instead.”

  “I haven’t heard about anything,” I reassure him, and Sophie nods her head in agreement.

  “But what if someone decides to throw a last-minute party and everyone goes there?”

  Huh? “Jess, what are you talking about?”

  He sighs and blushes slightly. “I just want people to show up, okay? I don’t want someone from the soccer team deciding to have something and everyone going there instead.”

  A shout comes from behind us and we turn to see Aaron standing from his seat at their lunch table then reaching over and high-fiving Jackson and Chase. He’s probably just won some stupid burger-eating challenge or something, but everyone’s looking over at them and I see where Jessie’s coming from. If those guys don’t go to his party and decide to hang out elsewhere, the rest of the school will too.

  “Do you want me to get Chase to come?” I ask quietly. Usually I’d think that suggestion would piss him off, but everything he’s saying is pointing toward it.

  His face turns a bit pinker but he nods his head ever so slightly.

  “The cheerleaders will be there too,” Sophie says, jumping in so we don’t have to focus on what Jessie has just asked. “And the soccer team too, right Livy?”

  I nod my head. “Yep. Tia was talking about it when I saw her earlier. They’ll all be there.”

  He grins, and the relief is obvious in his expression.

  “And Courtney will be there too, right?” Sophie asks.

  “Um, well…”

  My eyes find his at his hesitation.

  “What?” Sophie demands, but I don’t look away from him.

  “We’ve been fighting,” he tells me.

  My heart starts thudding loudly in my chest.

  “Yeah?” I ask, my voice a whisper.

  He nods. “Yeah. She doesn’t seem like what I’m after anymore.”

  I swear I nearly lose my breath.

  “Are you going to break up with her?” Sophie demands.
I still don’t look away from Jessie, suddenly desperately waiting on his answer. This is what I’ve waited months for.

  He opens his mouth to respond and then the fire alarm goes off. Everyone starts standing up while teachers usher us out the door, and I never get to hear what he was going to say.

  CHASE SMILES AT ME FROM his spot on the ground in his back yard as I exit through his kitchen. He’s in the same place I left him before I ran to the bathroom, only now he has his phone to his ear. I wander over and flop down next to him, stretching out and staring up at the sky, waiting for him to finish his conversation. We came out to do some soccer drills but soon gave up and just lay down next to each other, enjoying the sun on our skin. There’s something peaceful about being down here and hearing the noises from his neighborhood around us.

  “I’m sorry man. That so shit.” I turn my head with interest, wondering what the conversation is about. Chase’s face is serious and he looks genuinely concerned. Something must be up. “Do you want to come out here for a couple of days? You maybe need a break.” He pauses while whoever he’s speaking to replies. “She’s just hurt I guess. I don’t know. She’ll come around.” Another pause. “Just give her time.” He hesitates for a second. “Has your dad been around?” He snorts at whatever his friend says and rolls his eyes. His glances over at me, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to say. It just sucks.” He’s silent for a couple of minutes while his friend talks and Chase nods. “Okay, man. Call me if you need anything. See you over break, yeah?”