Cactus of Mystery

by Ross Heaven

  Our first trip after my arrival was to an ayahuascero shaman, Javier, in the heart of the Peruvian jungle. La Gringa accompanied me to the lodge and was staying in a reed chalet for the night while the ceremony was being held. Based on what I’d read and the numerous discussions La Gringa and I had about what to expect I’d mentally prepared myself for the journey I was about to embark on and this adorable man (Javier) did everything in his power to put me at ease before we began.

  That evening, I remember looking at the supplies that were laid out next to my mattress in the temple and saying, “One bucket [used during the purge] will NEVER be enough for all of MY issues!” much to the amusement of the other three participants. Each participant is supplied with their own mattress and pillow, a puke bucket, a plastic cup that held just enough water to wash your mouth out, and a roll of toilet paper. The ayahuasca journey is an intensely personal and lonely one and is conducted in the black of the Amazon night.

  I swallowed the dark, tarlike liquid and silently begged Mother Ayahuasca to be gentle with me. Almost immediately, as it hit my stomach, I felt myself lurch forward and speed off into the darkness. At the end of the wooden pier that I saw in my mind was a large woman, dressed in psychedelic clothing, beckoning me to follow her. How bad was this going to be?

  Almost instantaneously everything went dark and I began to purge. Long threads of thick black tar were being pulled out my body from a cellular level. For hours, years of imbibing psychotropic pharmaceuticals were being ripped out of my body and splashing into the plastic bucket that I gripped desperately in my lap. I was no longer physically part of the process. My body lay like a bunch of rags on the reed-thin mattress as Mother Ayahuasca violently clawed at me to cleanse my spirit.

  A silent guardian continuously doused me with buckets of water while the ayahuascero chanted and walked beside me throughout the process. I knew that this was La Gringa who had come to offer me love and support, even though she was not really “allowed” into the ceremony since she was not drinking the brew.

  After what seemed like an eternity my soul reentered my physical body just as the sun was rising. It had been a difficult night for me and I was exhausted and emotional. Javier had been witness to the difficult time I was having but even he had not been able to negotiate with Mother Ayahuasca to be gentle with me. It was a violent experience and even though it left me feeling bruised and battered I knew that my healing had truly begun.

  That morning as we sat around a table in Javier’s kitchen discussing our experiences I thanked La Gringa for breaking the rules of the ceremony and coming to me when I called out to her for help. Surprised, she looked at me with a huge smile on her face and told me that she’d been fast asleep through the whole process and had never physically been anywhere near me. In that moment I knew that the vision of her that I’d seen next to my mattress was in fact her beautiful spirit that had come to calm and reassure me and she had, in fact, never left her bed!

  Next stop was Cusco. My first San Pedro experience in Peru with La Gringa in her blessed garden at the foot of the Temple of the Moon can only be described as warm and tender. I remember literally crying for hours that day. We’re conditioned to believe that tears are because we’re sad but that day I learned that tears are cleansing. I had years of abusive and harmful relationships that I had to work through under the guidance of San Pedro and La Gringa. My heart was in tatters and emotionally I was a cripple but I was in a safe place and finally able to let go of all the pain and hurt that I had been holding on to.

  My second SP process was near to the end of my visit. This time my personal work was almost complete and I floated around the garden giving to others.

  Other healing experiences that I had in Peru were a coca leaf reading with Puma and energy shifting with La Gringa’s teacher, Rubén. Rubén explained what he saw to me as my heart existing out of my body. It was completely out of alignment due to my experiences and history.

  Angels were put in my path every day to guide and assist me through the work that I had to do to become whole again. I feel very privileged to have met and worked with these amazing people and plant medicines.

  I’ve been completely medicine free since returning to South Africa at the beginning of January 2011. All of the healers in Peru gave me wonderful tools to bring back home with me. I carry the plant within me and am able to connect with it on a subconscious level whenever I feel that I need it.

  My experience taught me that we are a product of our influences. If we choose to allow negativity to become a part of our life then we will become physically ill and stifled. This is not how the universe intends us to live. Using the tools of meditation, music, and healing we can all become angels, beings of light.

  Jane’s Story

  I am writing word-for-word from my journal, changing nothing.

  Pre–San Pedro

  So, my thoughts before the ceremony . . . I’ve just finished meditating although all I did was cry. I was letting myself feel all the hurt that Jim [name changed by the author to preserve anonymity] had ever caused and all the anger I’ve felt especially in the past few days. I just want to let it all go. I want to feel it, acknowledge it, and let it go so it isn’t what I am thinking about tomorrow.

  I know it’s a powerful plant but I am nervous I won’t get anything out of it or that I will only be thinking about Jim.

  What I want to concentrate on is my digestive system. Since it is a healing plant I would love to have a normal digestive system. Also, my negativity and brattiness I want gone. Patience in its place. I know how I act when I either don’t get what I want, something doesn’t go my way, or someone tells me no or disagrees with me. I am a brat. I don’t like the way I treat people when I let anger take control. I want all negativity out and positivity in. I want a better grasp on my anger and patience to control my thoughts and tongue.

  I am kind of unsure what to expect. I can write all day about what I want or don’t want to happen but I am just going to open my mind tomorrow to whatever does happen. I just want the most out of tomorrow. Whatever the universe wants to give I’ll take.

  Post–San Pedro

  First off, no matter what I write it will never come close to how beautiful my experience was. Words are not enough. Music or painting could come a bit closer but just plain words, no matter how many adjectives are used, will never be enough.

  My whole experience lasted a little over eleven hours. I woke up, stretched, and got ready. We met La Gringa, who was the one guiding us. She had been properly taught from a shaman and has over seventeen years experience. Also met another girl who was going to partake in the ceremony. She had a kind spirit and I liked her right away.

  We got into a taxi and drove to the top of a mountain where La Gringa lives. She’s got a nice house with a pretty garden and dogs. They became very special to me throughout the day.

  We got called to sit on these cushions in the garden. She explained a bit about San Pedro. She said that it was a healing plant proven to be used in sacred ceremonies two thousand years before Christ. She said that San Pedro will talk to our hearts and will know what we need. Before we drank it we had to put our intentions in the cup. My intentions were negativity out, positivity in and some clarity in my life. She said that San Pedro goes into your subconscious and into your past, which will reveal the root of any illness or anything in your life. She said sickness is brought on by your own self.

  I thought, “Well, I don’t really have anything specifically in my past that San Pedro needs to reveal.” But thought, “Whatever happens will happen.” I had no idea what to expect.

  We drank it. It didn’t taste nearly as bad as I kept reading it did. It tasted bad just not as bad as I thought it would. It was very, very thick, thick liquid. They said it was better just to gulp it all down.

  After we drank we had forty minutes until it would hit us. So we went around just talking about ourselves. Then she told us it was time to go and find a comfortable place and rela
x.

  It began. Well, kind of. I was lying with my eyes closed trying to meditate or stay out of my mind like La Gringa told me to and listen to my heart. But all I could hear was noise. People talking, the water pump, workmen outside. I was restless and wasn’t really sure what to do. So I got up and found La Gringa. I told her that I’m not really sure what I should be doing. She said to just relax that’s all. Just relax. And this guy that I didn’t even know said, “It’s a beautiful day.”

  I got angry at him. I thought, “Okay, it’s a beautiful day for you because you know what you’re doing!” So I went away from all the talking but could still hear the workmen on the other side of the garden wall digging up the road. I was getting very, very frustrated. I thought, “This is crazy. What am I doing? This is supposed to be a relaxed atmosphere and it’s not.” Then I started hearing the girl, Othelia, vomiting. I thought, “Shhhh . . . will you. You are ruining my meditation.” Aaahhhh.

  So I moved to a hammock and plugged my ears with my fingers. It did block out all the noise but was super uncomfortable. So I went back to a chair. I heard Othelia keep coughing or sighing and all I could think was, “Shut up!” but then I thought, “Hmmm. That’s pretty mean huh? Selfish even. Okay, San Pedro is that what you are showing me? That I am selfish?? Yeah, thanks but I already knew that!”

  Then every angry thought made a tighter and tighter knot in my stomach. I thought sarcastically, “Okay, San Pedro, really profound—negative thoughts cause my stomach problem. Thanks again.”

  I just didn’t feel anything but anger and frustration. Plus I kept thinking my mind was making all this up and not my heart. So I moved again to the original cushion and got comfy. I closed my eyes but nothing. Then I thought she must not have given me enough. She gave me three-quarters of a glass and everyone else a full glass or more. Basically blaming everything and everyone for my inability to quiet my mind and meditate. I’m lying there with my eyes closed trying hard when it was like my heart screamed at me, “Well if you can’t look inside yourself then open your eyes and see yourself from outside yourself.”

  I opened my eyes and looked at the sky. There were all these clouds but they started moving and taking shapes. These shapes formed into every gross horrible depiction or image of what you would imagine evil or scary creatures to be. There were devils and gargoyles and witches if you will. Just anything you can create that is ugly and scary. The more I looked at them the more ridiculous they became so I started to smile. I almost laughed at how funny these ugly things were. Smiled at how utterly ridiculous they looked.

  At that moment my heart told me they represented fear. My fear. So I thought, “Okay, so I will put a fear to each one of these faces and let it go.” But in reality there is only one fear I had. So then I realized these monsters in the clouds represented my excuses for keeping my fear in place. My fear was that I didn’t want to be forty and alone. As soon as my heart revealed that, I closed my eyes and it was like in a movie when they go back in time and there’s these twisty tubey things that go way back into my past. And along the way I saw an old journal entry I wrote when I was maybe twelve years old. I wrote, “This boy likes me and this one and this one. . . .” Basically putting all my self worth on what other people thought of me.

  Fear of not being good enough, fear of not being as good as I want to be. My main fear came from the lack of love for myself. I thought I was special only if other people did. For example, probably since I was twelve I have never been without a boyfriend. Sometimes two or three at a time and of course always a backup. Then my mind went through all these photos of cool places I’ve been. And all my traveling I’ve done was just for the pictures to show everyone how cool I was/am. I’ve been such a social chameleon, changing groups of friends, “taking bits of them” because I never had a sound sense of who I am. It was like in my heart I saw this huge rock with barbed wire around it with a little piece of paper with black writing that said FEAR.

  I let the fear go. I closed my eyes and asked San Pedro, “Let my heart know, how do I love myself? How can I love me?” I heard the girl, Othelia, throwing up crazily so my heart said, “Show some compassion.” I went over to her and rubbed her back and said, “Sorry you’re so sick.” It was more or less, “I’m sorry for being angry with you earlier.” It was compassion and empathy I need to find in myself for other people.

  I never got a clear answer about how I can love myself but I guess that’s just what I need to work on. To build a relationship with myself so that other people can love the same me as I do. So I figured I got my big revelation and all would be well. Nope, there was so much to come.

  I thought, “Where is everyone else? Maybe I should go outside too.” But my heart said, “Stay. Be content with being with you. Be content with where you are. Be content with all that you have here.”

  I opened my eyes and just watched the clouds again to see what they would reveal. Again I saw faces. Scary ones but then they turned into good ones and I saw animals and every single animal or face I saw I noticed the eyes. They were all kind eyes. Then right in the midst of all the clouds I saw God. He had those same kind eyes that I saw in all those faces and animals. I realized then and there that God is in everything and is everywhere. It was so profound but simple at the same time. Then the sky went back to the scary faces but this time it was like I was coming face-to-face with my fears and conquering them. Realizing that God is in me and I have the power to control these inner demons of mine. Facing them wasn’t so hard. It was so easy.

  I started to get very hot in the sun so I moved to the shade. It was cold. Then I had a feeling that my heart was letting me feel what it is to be alone. Cold and lonely. I laid in the shade on the earth, cold and alone. I hugged myself for warmth and support. My heart kept telling me, “This is your worst fear realized. Now was that so bad? Now you know how it feels so there is no need to fear it. You fear the unknown but no longer have to because you know how it feels. If you have to go though it again it’ll be okay because you’ve been there, done that, and got out ok.”

  I got back up and went to warm up a bit and lay in the hammock. I was just pondering all that I had experienced so far. I thought I’d give back the necklace that Jim gave me because I didn’t need him to buy it for me. But I thought it’s all so irrelevant! I thought about what I’d tell all my friends and family or how I’d act after, but again everything is irrelevant.

  I went outside the gate (pants rolled up and no shoes or socks). Wow! I didn’t remember this view when we first got there. There were sheep all over the place. I could hear their baaaaaaa’s ringing in my ears. I could feel their energy. I just walked across a small field toward the Temple of the Moon.

  I sat on a patch of grass just blown away at the sight of everything. The view was amazing. I saw and felt the energy of every blade of grass. I again felt God in everything.

  I climbed a bit of the temple and sat on this rock that looked like the head of a condor. I sat in its brain and felt not like I was flying but like I could see the way the condor could see. I looked at the mountains. They were all moving like they were breathing but felt like they were unstable. So I steadied my eyes and willed them to stop. Representing me being in control to stabilize my own life. I then remembered one of my intentions was some clarity in my life but the mountains told me that if I trusted the person I love that I’d know what to do. The decisions I make I need to trust. Maybe that’ll help with my indecisiveness. All my original intentions seemed so small and insignificant and easy to manage from here on out.

  A group of tourists came to the Temple of the Moon and I thought, “Okay, I’ve been in the sun without water for hours. I need to take care of this me I love and get some water.” I walked past the tourists but they didn’t really seem to notice me. It was like I was of this world but not in it. It brought a whole new meaning to that saying, “Be of this world but not in it.” But then I thought, “What if my body is back at La Gringa’s and I’m dead. What if she broug
ht us all up here to die.”

  But death wasn’t scary and essentially a big part of me did die. I thought, “Well, I am in this beautiful place.” So instead of going back to the garden I climbed to the top of the Temple of the Moon. I didn’t feel the sharp rocks under my feet or the cold wind that blows at the top of the mountain. More tourists came and were basically looking at me like I was crazy. Dead and born again. One guy started playing the wind pipes and the wind was roaring in my ears. Just beautiful.

  I decided I needed to go back so I chose my own path to walk down from the temple. I got back to the garden and drank lots of water. A lady brought me some tea. I went back to the cushions and lay there. My body moved with the music and I kept going through these cycles of coldness, alone, shaking, then back to normal. My logical mind told me that was dehydration but my spiritual mind told me that it was the circle of life that basically (what Peter says in the Bible) you die daily. But it is never as bad as you think and you do get over it.

  I kind of came out of it a bit. Enough to share a bit of my experience with others.

  We got in the cab and went back down to Cusco but I still wasn’t out of it. Jim and I decided to go get something to eat. We went to a restaurant but everything seemed so intense that I just wanted out instead of being in there. Finally about 11:00 p.m., I felt back to normal.

  Overall my experience of San Pedro was very profound yet simple, revealing, eye opening, and it awoke my mind. I had a very powerful journey. One time when I thought about healing my stomach it was like San Pedro said, “You don’t have to heal your stomach. You have to heal your heart. Get rid of your fear and your sickness won’t be a problem, especially since you are in control.” What I put in my body, whether physical or thoughts that aren’t good for it is what I’ll get out.

  What impact do you think the environment (set and setting) has on taking San Pedro?

  La Gringa: Environment is very important while drinking this medicine. It’s important to feel safe and cared for. Don’t drink with someone that you don’t trust or feel safe with. The setting should be outdoors, preferably in the country, or at least a beautiful garden and not noisy or with traffic, definitely surrounded by good people. San Pedro shows us our connection to nature; we see energy everywhere; we can sit with a flower and see her grow. It shows us all the stages of life in one day!