A Lifetime to Share

by Kathleen Ball

  Amelia took Lynn’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I think taking them in is a fine idea. You have such a big heart.”

  “Smitty is in the store with them, buying each a peppermint stick. Now he has a big heart.” Lynn’s smile grew wider, and Amelia was happy for her.

  “Bring the boys by later. I’d love to meet them.”

  Lynn stood. “My husband John and I never were able to have children.” Her lovely smile deepened. “I bet you’ll probably have some happy news to announce before the trip is over. Well, I’d best get in there. It was nice talking with you, Amelia.”

  “You too.” She kept a smile on her face until Lynn was out of sight. There would never be any happy news to announce. In fact, it was starting just like Cheryl predicted. Eli had mentioned sleeping under the wagon. He said it was for protection, but she knew the truth of it. He’d been pulling away from her, and he was sorry he’d married her. Not that she could blame him. A virile man like him probably wanted many sons to help with the ranch. Maybe it was just as well they wouldn’t be together most of the year. He’d guide people and she… What would she do? Ranch work, she supposed. Loneliness washed over her.

  “Ready?” Eli stood in front of her with a couple of bulky packages.

  “Yes, I am.” She stood and went to link her arm with his but he avoided it. It was a stab to her heart. She’d have to find a way to live with it. They’d have a lifetime together.

  “Lynn is adopting two more boys,” Eli said.

  “Yes, I talked with her a bit. She’s very excited about it.”

  “I hope there won’t be any problems from the rest of the travelers.”

  She furrowed her brow. “Why would there be?”

  “The boys are Mexicans.”

  “You have something against them?”

  Eli stopped walking. “Of course not. We have many working the ranch. But there are people in our group who are intolerant of anyone who is different. Not all of course, but enough that it might be a problem.”

  “It’s like a traveling town with all the prejudices and judgments. At least we’ll be able to go our own way when we are done. I asked Lynn to bring the boys by later. Oh, and I think she is a bit more than smitten with Smitty. Do you think wedding bells are in their future?”

  Eli began to walk again. “I don’t see how. Smitty has a wife. Looks as though something is going on at the Otters’ wagon. I’ll meet you back at ours.” He hurried away, leaving her with her mouth hanging open.

  Married? Surely it must have come up and she didn’t take notice? Did Lynn know? Where was Smitty’s wife? What was she like? Questions swirled in her mind as she walked the rest of the way alone.

  She’d just begun to make her fire when she saw Aaron walking her way. She smiled at him. “How are you Aaron?”

  “I think you probably know best how I am. How did you stand it for so long? I almost never have any free time to myself. I work every waking moment. I look at you, and you’re a bit on the small side, and I wonder how you did it all.” The bleakness in his eyes tore at her.

  “Have a seat.” She waited until they both sat on crates. “I didn’t have a choice. I believed them to be my parents. They had me believing that no man would ever want me and that I would live with them for the rest of my days. My advice is stick it out until you get to Oregon and then look at all your options. Don’t let them guilt you into staying just because they let you travel with them. You’ve done enough work to have paid your way.”

  Aaron nodded and stood. “Thanks, Amelia. I can stick it out until Oregon. Do you think Eli would have a place for me on his ranch?”

  “You’ll have to ask him. Take care.” She watched him walk back to the Cruthers’ wagon. He had a slight limp and she was pretty sure the Cruthers had beaten him recently. She’d best mention it to Eli.

  Cooking was one chore she didn’t mind. Eli actually complimented her and told her she was talented. It sure beat the constant complaints she received before she married Eli. In fact, she hadn’t minded doing a single thing. She was going to make fried bacon and fried cakes. It was their most common meal, but since the Indian raid, she hadn’t had a chance to soak beans or make biscuits. She’d forgotten to put the milk in the butter churn.

  She closed her eyes and pictured the men she’d shot. All of them. All twenty-one of them. She couldn’t help but keep count. Why did they attack them? Eli had said it just happened sometimes. How she wished it hadn’t.

  “Hey, why the long face?” Eli asked as he sat down next to her.

  No kiss again. “I can’t shake the fact that I killed so many men. Aaron was here. I think the Cruthers are beating him. I saw him limping and he seemed pretty down. I told him to hang in there until Oregon and then maybe he could find another place to live.”

  “I wondered if they were beating him. I’ve seen him wince more than once.”

  “What was going on at the Otters’?” She put bacon and a couple fry cakes on a tin plate for Eli.

  Taking the plate he popped a piece of bacon into his mouth. “People were trying to get them to agree that we shouldn’t allow Juan and Carlos to join us. They wanted him to be the spokesperson since it was a rather delicate matter. The only reason they found it delicate was because of Danny’s death. I had to listen to every bad thing people had to say about the Mexicans. I can understand people are a bit fearful of things they don’t know but to try to ban those boys is beyond my thinking.”

  A chill ran through her body. “What happened? Did they make the boys go back? Where is Lynn?” She stood. “I should check on her.”

  Eli put his plate down and took Amelia’s hand. “Come, sit with me. Lynn and the boys are just fine. None of them had a valid reason to turn the boys away. The reverend and I put an end to it. Unfortunately, I think she’ll still get a lot of hostility I’m glad she has Smitty.”

  Indignation filled her. “What do you mean she has Smitty? You told me he has a wife! He shouldn’t be near Lynn right now. She’s very vulnerable, and I for one don’t want her hurt. What happens when she finds out?”

  Eli shrugged. “She already knows.”

  “What?”

  “Shhh, keep your voice down. It’s Smitty’s business, and if he wanted you to know he would have told you. I already broke a confidence in telling you. Lynn is fine. Someday Smitty will tell you but you’ll have to wait until he does. Promise me you won’t ask Lynn about it?”

  His face was so serious the only thing she could do was nod. “Of course.”

  Later that night Amelia watched as Eli took his bedroll from the wagon. He avoided her gaze the whole time and barely said goodnight. Her heart shattered as did her hopes for the future. It probably wouldn’t be long before he found a woman who could please him. Soon her pillow was soaked with her tears. She had to put her hand over her mouth so Eli wouldn’t hear her. She’d known since forever that no man would ever want her, but still it hurt.

  What had she done? Surely it must have been something she did that had driven her husband from her bed. She put her hand over her thumping heart. He was stingy with his kisses lately too. Suddenly she sat straight up. He must have seen her leg and hip while she was sick. The snakebite was on her thigh. She drew her knees up and dropped her head onto them. Now she had her answer. Knowing didn’t make her heart ache any less.

  Chapter Nine

  Eli rode Roman up and down the train making sure everyone was ready. They had stayed at Fort Bridger for two whole days, and now it was time to leave. He’d purchased three things at the Fort. Mosquito netting for both of them plus some for Amy to put over her bonnet. He’d also found some pretty ribbons.

  And he’d purchased a wedding ring. He just wasn’t sure when or how to give her the ring. She seemed different over the last day or two.

  He’d inquired after her health, but she claimed to be fine. Her limp didn’t seem any worse, so he was at a loss as to what was wrong with her. She refused to look at him when he gathered hi
s bedroll at night. He sighed. She’d get used to it.

  “We should meet up with other parties that took the Sublette Cutoff,” Jed said as he pulled up alongside Eli. “I hope we don’t run into a whole party of dying people again.”

  “People don’t understand the risks of a cut off like that. The fact that they don’t ration their water always surprises me. How are Lynn and her kids?”

  Jed shook his head. “She’d been on the receiving end of a lot of hostile looks. Most haven’t opened their mouths since Smitty is there. They’ll be just fine. Are we ready?”

  “Yes, we are. Oh wait, I didn’t get a chance to ask you about Lily. Any word?”

  Jed nodded. “A trapper saw her about two months ago. He said she seemed to be in good health. She was last seen in the hills around Fort Laramie.”

  “Jed, if you need to go back—”

  “No, that sighting was a while ago, and I’m sure she’s not there anymore. I’ll keep looking.”

  Eli pulled the brim of his hat down to keep the rising sun out of his eyes. “I’ll ride up to the front and get us going.” He turned Roman around and rode to the first wagon. Of course it was the Cruthers’ turn to lead. Smitty had always taken the lead but since Danny’s death he’d been following Lynn’s wagon in order to keep an eye on her.

  He gave the Cruthers a curt nod and yelled, “Wagon’s ho!” One by one the wagons started to move. The only bad thing about this part of the trail was the mosquitoes. They’d all find out soon enough. He just hoped that they’d bought the netting as he instructed. He bet most hadn’t. They’d soon find out what being bitten alive felt like.

  Jed had spotted deer nearby, and he led some of the men on a hunting expedition. Fresh meat sounded great, and Eli wanted to share the good news with Amy. He rode to their wagon, but his good mood fell some when she gave him a halfhearted smile.

  Eli had Roman keep pace with the wagon. “Jed went hunting. We should be dining on venison tonight.”

  “That would be nice.”

  He waited for her to say more, but she didn’t.

  “Keep the netting close by. The bugs will be getting bad in a little bit. People will eventually beg and then try to buy the netting from you. Make sure you keep it safe. The bugs get that bad.”

  “Thank you, I will.” Her voice has a hollow tone to it.

  “Amy…have I done something to upset you?” He stared at her, searching for clues.

  “I’m fine. I haven’t been sleeping well, I suppose.” She quickly glanced away.

  “At least you’re protected. That’s what counts. You look real pretty today.” He hoped for a smile.

  She looked at him and shook her head. “I’m wearing my old brown dress. There is nothing about me that looks nice.” She glanced away again.

  He took a deep breath. “I think you’re very pretty. I’ll check on you later.” He waited a second for her to say something, anything. But she didn’t, and he rode off.

  He spent the next few hours scanning the horizon for trouble, and then he had to stop and help replace a broken wagon wheel. It wasn’t a hard thing to do, but the wagon needed to be unloaded so that they could lift it enough to take the old wheel off and put the new one on.

  They stopped for the nooning and Jed and the other men rode in with five deer. They would have a feast tonight. Jed got busy dividing the meat and giving it out to the whole party. When he was done, he joined Eli and Amy for the noon meal.

  He glanced from one to the other. Then he turned and stared at Eli with his right brow cocked. He didn’t say anything, but Eli could tell that Jed felt the tension between Amy and him.

  “Amy, if you’d like to take a little nap that would be fine. I can clean up here,” Eli offered.

  She drew herself up and raised her chin. “I can pull my own weight, thank you.” She grabbed the water bucket and walked off. Unfortunately, she walked in the wrong direction.

  “Jed, I’m going after her. She’d got a bee in her bonnet about something, and it’s time to find out what.”

  Jed grinned. “Good luck.”

  Eli figured she’d take a few steps and realize she was going the wrong way, but she just kept walking deeper into the woods. He finally caught up to her, and she swung the bucket at him. He was able to grab it from her. If he’d been a shorter she’d have hit him in the head. “Whoa, it’s me.”

  She put her hands on her hips and stared at him. “Why are you following me?”

  “You’re going the wrong way. I didn’t want you to get lost.”

  “Why? Wouldn’t that be the answer to your prayers?”

  He furrowed his brow. “What in tarnation are you talking about?” He took a step closer to her.

  She sighed loudly as tears formed in her eyes. “I know you’re sorry you married me. I knew you’d come to feel this way, but you went from kissing me to being as far away from me as possible. Did you see my hip?”

  He hesitated.

  “I understand.” She hung her head for a moment and then she started walking back to the wagon.

  “Amy, wait up.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t talk about this right now. I need time, Eli.”

  At a loss of what to do, he let her go on ahead. He’d talk to her that evening. She couldn’t continue to think of herself as damaged.

  Amelia put on a brave face after her conversation with Eli until she was alone while driving. Then her body began to shake and desolation filled her whole being. She’d been a fool to think that just maybe it wouldn’t matter. Well, she’d gotten a cold dose of reality, and she needed to face it. There wasn’t much she could do about the heartache, but she was Eli’s wife, and she had a responsibility to take care of him. Hard work and keeping busy had always helped her get through tough times before. It would work for her now. Eli didn’t deserve her anger. After all, it wasn’t his fault. She’d just have to be more accepting of the changes that were happening.

  She took a deep breath and vowed to be the best wife a man could have. Usually having a plan calmed her, but this time it didn’t. There was still hours to go before they camped. She’d have to find her calm somewhere.

  Just as Eli had predicted, there was a wagon party at the edge of the Sublette Cutoff. The lifelessness in their eyes was chilling. She watched as Eli rode over to their wagons. He came back shaking his head.

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  “Damn fools didn’t have enough water for themselves let alone the livestock. I told them we’d wait while they went ahead of us to the grass and water.”

  “That was charitable of you.” She smiled. “Dang, here comes Benjamin and a few of the other men.”

  Eli turned and nodded at the men. “Did you need something?”

  “Yes, we need to get to the grass first. Their livestock could eat it all and there would be nothing for us. And just how much water is up ahead? Is there enough for all of us?”

  “I hear your concerns, but they have no merit. We’ll take our turn. It won’t even be an hour for them to get there and move off the trail. Honestly, I don’t understand your hostility.” Eli jumped down off Roman and widened his stance as he stared at the men.

  “They had a choice of which path to take, same as us. They gambled and lost. It’s not our problem,” Benjamin insisted.

  “You’re right, they aren’t our problem, and I’m sure as soon as they get water and a few days rest they’ll be fine. I suggest you go on back to your wagons and wait.”

  Benjamin started to open his mouth, and Eli took a step toward him.

  “Fine, we’ll wait. I do think we need to have a meeting tonight. It might be time to get a new Captain.”

  After the men turned and left, Eli climbed up next to Amelia. “Are you alright? They didn’t scare you did they?”

  “Nothing much scares me while you’re with me.” She smiled and met his gaze. The heat in his eyes confused and flustered her. She quickly looked away.

  “Good. You’ve alway
s been brave. I remember you on that rock when the Cruthers left you behind. You were determined to find work. A lot of people would have crumbled but not you. You’re the type of woman any man would be proud to have at his side. I know I am.”

  His words surprised her but she was trying to build a wall between them. So far he’d torn down every part of the wall.

  “Thank you for your kind words.” She still couldn’t look at him. One look and her resolve to become detached would be gone.

  “Amy, they aren’t just words. I know you don’t love me, but I hope that you will grow to love me. I want us to have a good life together. I don’t allow many people to get close to me, but you have and I don’t want to lose you.”

  “Wagons ho!” someone yelled.

  “Confound it!” Eli jumped into the saddle and raced to the front of the train.

  He didn’t want to lose her? He’d done everything to push her away. Men were so contrary. A spark of hope formed, but she put it out. She wasn’t ready for another night of tears. He was turning her into some ninny. She’d bet her last hairpin that it’d been Benjamin who yelled for the wagons to get moving. She hoped Eli took a hard stance with the Cruthers.

  They began to move, and she couldn’t help but laugh when she passed the Cruthers’ wagon waiting off to the side. They’d be eating dust at the back of the train. Aaron waved at her and soundly got his hand slapped. She hoped Benjamin learned his lesson, but she bet he was already plotting some revenge. Thank goodness they weren’t her parents.

  Who were her real parents? She’d probably never know. What she needed was a solicitor to look into the matter, but she wasn’t sure where to start. There wasn’t much she could do on the trail.

  It was almost dark before they stopped to camp. Other wagon parties dotted the area, and the sheer number amazed her. She climbed down and made a fire. Then she found Lynn’s wagon and invited her family and Smitty to dinner. They’d have to bring their own crates and plates but she’d have the food ready. Her excitement grew when they accepted.