A Lifetime to Share

by Kathleen Ball

  She hurried back and started making venison stew. It was a pleasure to cook something other than bacon and fried bread. Next she got the biscuits baking and the coffee on. She looked under the false floor and grabbed a jar of preserves. In doing so, she accidently pulled out one of the packages Eli had bought at Fort Bridger. She could tell what it was by the shape of it inside the wrapping. It was a ring. If it had been for her, he’d changed his mind about giving it to her. That was right about the time he stopped sleeping in the wagon.

  Anguish she’d promised herself she wouldn’t feel washed over her. She never felt so alone before, and there had been plenty of lonely days in her life. If only she hadn’t invited people over for supper. All she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and hide, but that had never been an option.

  “Smells good. Smitty told me you invited them. That was nice of you.” Eli gave her a pat on the arm. His sweet words from before were not reflected in his actions. It was going to take a long time to get used to their new way of being together. If only he hadn’t kissed her and held her before, but he had, and now she missed it.

  “It’s almost ready.” She couldn’t help the lack of enthusiasm in her voice.

  “I’ll go tell them.” She watched him walk away, reminding herself it wasn’t his fault.

  It was nice to have the distraction of Lynn’s boys. Carlos and Juan seemed to fit right in. They were all hearty eaters. Lynn had a special glow about her, and Amelia wondered if she really knew that Smitty was married.

  Once they were alone and cleaning up, Lynn turned toward her. “Amy is something wrong?”

  “No, not at all. I’m glad you could join us. It’s been so busy since the attack and all.”

  Lynn nodded. “It will stay with me for a very long time. Have you been sleeping? Something seems a bit off.”

  “You’ve been married and maybe you could give me some advice. As you know, Eli and I were forced to get married. At the time, Eli said it would be a real marriage and he’d expect me in his bed. I told him about my hip, and how I wouldn’t be able to do my duty. He didn’t seem to care at the time.” She wrung her hands. “Somehow, I’ve made a mess of everything.”

  Lynn put the wet cloth she was holding down and grasped Amelia’s hand. “I see the way Eli looks at you. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

  Amelia shook her head. “He used to kiss me and hold me. He used to sleep in the wagon next to me. Now he sleeps under the wagon. He says he’s sleeping there to protect me, but I’m not so sure. I feel him pulling away from me, and I’ve tried so hard to tell myself it doesn’t matter, but it does. He says the sweetest things but he can’t seem to bring himself to touch me other than a pat on the shoulder.”

  A snort of laughter came from the darkness behind her wagon. The person took a step toward them and somehow Amelia wasn’t surprised it was Cheryl.

  “Amelia, I warned you this would happen. Men have needs, and you simply can’t please your husband. They also want a family. You can’t do that either. Are you sure he stays under the wagon all night? I thought I saw him go to the Widow Hawkins’ wagon the other night. You’ll just have to lower your expectations.”

  Lynn took a step forward. “This is a private conversation, and I dare say you’re not welcome.”

  Cheryl laughed. “The only ones not welcome are your two Mexicans. People need to keep to their own kind.” She was still chuckling as she walked toward the middle of the circle.

  “The meeting! Let’s go!” Amelia rushed toward the center with Lynn. Many of the men had already assembled. Eli must have just shaved. He looked very handsome.

  He winked at her when their gazes met. Then he walked toward them. “Do me a favor and make sure the kids can’t hear what’s going on. There might be some hateful things said and they don’t deserve to hear any of it.”

  Both Amelia and Lynn nodded and headed to Lynn’s wagon.

  Eli rubbed his sore neck and willed the tension to leave his body. Some people were so hardheaded, but no one else stepped up to lead. He wouldn’t have allowed it so it was just as well. People just didn’t like anything or anyone different. He shook his head. Where they were going, everything was different. If you were going to uproot your whole family, you needed to keep an open mind to the adventure of it.

  Carlos and Juan did not deserve to be called some of the names that were spouted during the meeting. It was fear. People were afraid of anyone different from them. Smitty was hanging close to the Downey wagon, and he’d keep the boys safe.

  Amy looked fetching, and he sure liked how she blushed at his wink.

  “Eli, could you take a look at my wagon wheel? It wasn’t driving as it should,” the Widow Hawkins asked. She had big blue eyes and thick red hair which she wore loose. It curled all the way to her bottom.

  “Sure, let’s take a look.” He walked with her to her wagon and inspected the wheels. “They just need a bit of grease on them. I’ll send Rex over to fix you right up. Have a nice evening.” Eli turned to head toward his wagon when he saw Amy staring at him with such a look of sadness on his face that it hurt his heart.

  She turned her back when he started in her direction. What had he done? He sighed. Maybe it wasn’t something he’d done hopefully it was something someone else had done.

  He stood right behind her, as close as he could without touching her. “Amy?”

  She hung her head but didn’t answer. Shudders gripped her body, and he knew she was crying. He touched her shoulder, and she pulled away. He touched her other shoulder and she walked away. Her limp looked to be more pronounced. Had she hurt herself? Was it from the snakebite?

  He kept his eye on her. He didn’t like her to be out in the darkness. Finally, he followed her and found her sitting on a rock staring at the river.

  “Amy? Please tell me what’s wrong. Did I do something? Did someone hurt you?”

  She sniffled. “No, it’s me. I’m feeling sorry for myself is all. I’m fine, really.”

  “You’re crying.”

  “A girl cries every now and then. It’s nothing to worry about. I’m very blessed, and I need to remember that.”

  He cocked his head to one side as he stared at her in the moonlight. “Usually a person needs a reason to cry. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

  She looked at the ground and shrugged. “I understand. Really I do. I can’t help the hurt I feel, but I never want you to feel guilty. I just need to come to terms with it. I feel bad for you too. You probably wanted children, and I can’t give you those.”

  Eli sat on the rock next to her and put his arms around her. “You probably can have children, sweetheart.”

  “I appreciate you trying to be kind, but I’ve known since I was pushed down those steps that I couldn’t have them.”

  He kissed the side of her neck. “Who told you that? Was it the doctor or was it your so-called mother?”

  She stilled for a moment before she turned and stared at him. “Cheryl told me. I feel as though I’ve always known. That’s why I shouldn’t be upset about you and the widow Hawkins. I’m just jealous.”

  He smiled at her. “First of all I have never been with the widow Hawkins. I looked at her wagon wheels tonight, at her request, and then sent Rex to grease them. I do check on her since she is now traveling alone, but I check on everyone. Second, I’m married to you. I take my vows seriously. And third, Cheryl lied to you. The doctor who cared for you, when the snake bit you, assured me that you would most likely be able to have many children. Your hip isn’t hideous.”

  She drew in a sharp intake of breath. “I knew it. You saw it.” Her body trembled against his.

  “I sure did. The doctor said it was never set right and that is why you have a limp. And he guessed you had more pain than most when walking long distances. He really couldn’t figure out why you had surgical type of scarring too.”

  “They had to reset it. They sliced into me and I still remember the pain of it.”

&nbs
p; “They didn’t put you out?”

  She shook her head. “I remember Cheryl saying no, it wasn’t needed. I do remember something about an infection, and the doctor had to cut me again. He told Cheryl that if she didn’t change my bandages this time he’d take me away.”

  “I bet she changed them after that.”

  “She sure did, and it made her furious. I suppose she expected me to die. I wish I knew more about my parents.” She sighed.

  “I sent a letter to the sheriff in the town you grew up in to see what he knew or could find out. I’m hoping to get word somewhere along the trail.”

  “Eli?”

  “Yes, my sweet?”

  She hesitated. “Is it because you saw the scars? Is that why you’re sleeping under the wagon? I need the truth from you.”

  He pulled her tight against him. “Yes I did.”

  She struggled to push him away.

  “Wait, stay still.” She stopped struggling, but the look of hopelessness on her face made his heart drop. “I’m sleeping under the wagon because I want to touch you and kiss you and make love to you. I didn’t want to scare you, and I couldn’t sleep next to you without taking you.”

  “Really?” Her eyes grew wide, but then suspicion shuttered her expression. “I find that hard to believe.”

  “It’s true. You have no idea what you do to me.”

  “Is that why you stopped kissing me too?”

  He nodded then put his finger under her chin and lifted gently so he could easily kiss her. Her lips were like the plumpest berries and just as sweet. Her little moan caused a chill to go up his spine. It was pure heaven, but he pulled away before he got to a place where he couldn’t stop. They sat there with their foreheads touching, and the only sound he heard was their heavy breathing. He waited for his heart to stop pounding and then he stood and offered his hand. He smiled when she took it.

  He walked her back to the wagon and helped her inside.

  “Are you sleeping in here?” she asked.

  “No, we’ll know when the time is right. With so many wagons, there wouldn’t be an ounce of privacy. Plus you’re still getting over your snakebite.” He leaned in, kissed her and grabbed his bedroll. “Goodnight, my love.”

  Chapter Ten

  It’s been another long endless day. Amelia groaned, another day of swarms of mosquitoes. Though it was hot out she wore long sleeves, pants under a skirt and her netting over her bonnet. And she still had to fight off the bugs. There were so many who didn’t have netting and they suffered with bites all over them. A few smeared their bodies with mud, and that worked for a while until the hot sun baked the mud and it fell off in big chunks.

  The pesky mosquitoes seemed to be able to find a way to get to people. Even the livestock had had it and refused to eat unless it was later at night. They were traveling through rich grasslands so there was plenty for them to eat.

  Misery visited everyone and tempers grew short. Even easy-going Jed was a bit short with the others. The hotter it got the more they sweated and they became beacons for the bloodsuckers. The constant buzzing began to make Amelia crazy. She wanted to rip her clothes off and run into some fresh water.

  The nights weren’t so bad. Eli was sleeping in the wagon, They both slept with their clothes on, and they put one net under them and the other over them. They slept very close together to be sure the netting wouldn’t become undone. Amelia was a bit disappointed that he didn’t try to kiss her at night, but the thrill of knowing he wanted to and the news that she could have a family someday made up for any unhappiness.

  They stopped for what she was told would be the last night in the infested area. Amelia started the fire, fried the bacon, and then mixed the batter for fried cakes. It was hard to do without getting a few bugs in the batter.

  “How about sharing some of that netting, your highness?” Cheryl asked sarcastically.

  Amelia didn’t even turn around. “My husband strongly suggested that everyone get some netting at Fort Bridger. You didn’t take his advice.” She dropped some batter into the bacon-greased pan.

  “You are an ungrateful brat! We gave up everything to raise you, and all we got was misery. As soon as you collect your inheritance, I expect you to hand it over. Accidents happen all the time. For example, say Eli dies and then you die. All the money comes to me.” An eerie smile crossed Cheryl’s face.

  Amelia turned and put her hands on her hips. “I still don’t understand what you are talking about. Why would I have money? I know you’re not my mother, but I don’t know much more.”

  “You don’t need to know the details. Just remember either you hand over the money when we reach Oregon or accidents will happen.”

  Amelia’s jaw dropped as she watched Cheryl walk away. A mosquito buzzed near her nose and she quickly closed her mouth, not wanting to get any bugs in it. At least now she knew why she’d been told she couldn’t have children. The Cruthers didn’t want her to have any heirs. What a headache!

  She smiled a little smile, glad that they were suffering from the swarms.

  “Something smells good,” Eli said as he rounded the wagon to the cook fire. “I have guard duty tonight.” He gazed at her until he mentioned guard duty. At that point he stared into the fire.

  He just didn’t want to be next to her in the wagon again. Why did he keep insisting that they wait? It ate at her, and now she thought all of his protests that she wasn’t ugly sounded like a bunch of drivel to her.

  “Did you want me to make extra coffee for you for tonight?” She tried to keep her voice devoid of all emotion.

  “That would be nice. Thank you. I’ll be back in a bit. I need to find Jed.”

  She nodded and watched him walk away. Even from the back he looked good. She shook her head. She shouldn’t think that way. It would only bring more heartache. Every day the unopened package with the ring inside silently mocked her. To make her believe she could have a family and then to grow more distant was so hurtful. Sure there were mosquitoes and privacy was close to none, but he didn’t even kiss her anymore.

  His kisses were the best part of her day. They made her feel as though her limp didn’t make a difference. They made her feel special as though she mattered for who she was and not for the amount of work she did.

  She sat down near the fire and watched the flames flicker and dance. It was bad enough Cheryl had crippled her, but now she wanted her dead. Why show her hand? It didn’t make much sense to announce her intentions of killing both Amelia and Eli. She’d always seemed to be on the edge of being crazy. Maybe she’d been pushed over the edge. How was Aaron faring?

  Amelia stood and moved her crate. It was best to have the smoke blowing right at her. It kept the bloodsuckers away. Bess Otter stopped by and sat down.

  “I heard the tragic news, and I wanted to be sure you were doing all right. It happens to the best of women, and I don’t want you to think it’s your fault. If a man strays, he’s the one breaking the sacred vow of marriage. I’m just so sorry it’s become so public. Widow Hawkins has been bragging about catching the attentions of the Captain. It is so very wrong of her to talk about it.” She took Amelia’s hands and patted it. “I saw you sitting here looking so glum, and I said to myself that I needed to offer comfort if I can.”

  “I think you have it wrong. Eli said—”

  “Of course he did, my dear. Men are crafty in their deceit.”

  “Is there proof other than Widow Hawkins’ word? It just doesn’t ring true to me.”

  Bess nodded. “Stan saw him leave her wagon after a two-hour visit yesterday. Of course Benjamin Cruthers saw it too and the rumors spread. That’s when the widow told everyone it was true. Stan said she was as pleased as can be to make her announcement.”

  A lump formed in Amelia’s throat so large she couldn’t speak. She just gave Bess a quick nod.

  “I’ll let you be, and I’m sorry to have been the one to tell you. I thought you already knew.” Bess gave Amelia’s hand one last
pat, and then she stood and walked away.

  The gamut of emotions was almost too much to bear. Disbelief, betrayal, shock, and a hurt that ran deeper than anything she’d felt before flowed through her. Her heart shattered as her brain went numb. She couldn’t think, she could only feel.

  Looking up, she realized she was the object of attention for many of the travelers. She quickly cleaned the plates and the pan. After putting them up, she climbed into the dark wagon. Burying her head in her hands she rocked back and forth as she wept. Two hours in the widow’s wagon? It was all too much. She would have been better if she’d stayed on the rock at that fateful river crossing.

  She’d have been wary of any offers and would have had her guard up. Here, she’d been bushwhacked. Now what? She had nowhere else to go. Everyone had full wagons, and she was lucky she even had one to sleep in. As soon as they met up with other parties, she would see about hiring on as a companion or a worker. There were probably a lot of people who lost someone along the way who needed some help. Usually having a plan helped, but this time her insides were cut from her shattered heart. Now she knew why the kisses had gone away.

  She changed into her nightgown and pulled the netting all around her. She felt cocooned and normally it would have been a comfort but there would be no comfort for her. She could have kept her head in the sand, but Bess Otter was a well-respected woman.

  What was she supposed to do now? She was too ashamed to act as though nothing was wrong. People were laughing at her behind her back. Why couldn’t he have waited until they had been somewhere no one would know? Any confidence she had retained shriveled.

  Eli didn’t mind taking a turn at guard duty when needed but not when he had to replace two men because they beat each other up. As soon as they were able they’d be pulling double duty. He could be in the wagon snuggled close to Amy right now, instead of sitting in a swarm of pesky bugs. He wished that this was the worst they would have to face, but they’d soon have to test their mettle. In a few days, they’d be at Fort Hall and after that the start of a long stretch without water.