A Lifetime to Share

by Kathleen Ball

  He always counseled people to conserve their supplies. Fort Hall never had much and what they did have was expensive. Inevitably, there would be a few who didn’t heed his advice and neighbor would turn against neighbor. When it came to sharing due to carelessness or gluttony, others weren’t as quick to give a helping hand.

  Something seemed to be bothering Amy, and he wasn’t sure what it was. Her smiles weren’t as quick as they had been. The trip had been hard on her too. She sure was a good worker and an excellent helpmate. She came into his life in a very unconventional way, perhaps it was fate.

  Someday they’d have a family. Little girls who looked like Amy, and sons. Many sons to help work the ranch. They’d have to eventually have to build a place of their own. He smiled. They’d have a good life together. She’d keep the home fires going while he was away.

  “What are you smiling about?” Jed asked as he took his post next to Eli.

  “I was just thinking about Amy and how she’d keep the ranch going while I guided parties across the country.”

  Jed frowned. “I hate to break it to you, but Widow Hawkins is claiming you’ve been in her bed. And from the sound of it, you spend all your free time there.”

  “What?”

  Jed put his hand on Eli’s shoulder. “Before you go all halfcocked, you need to talk to Amy. Bess broke the news to her.”

  “A preacher’s wife would tell another woman such a thing?” Eli shook his head. “Dang, I bet coming from her, Amy believes it. Thanks for letting me know. I have to get this straightened out.” He started to walk away but he turned back toward Jed. “Thanks for relieving me.”

  Jed waved him off. “Go talk to your wife.”

  Eli strode to his wagon and stopped just short of it. Confound it! What was he supposed to say? The notion was lunacy, and he wanted nothing better than to throttle the widow. He took a deep breath and climbed into the wagon.

  It was dark inside, but he could still see Amy tense her body as he approached. He took off his shirt and pants, leaving his drawers on. After that he crawled under the netting and took Amy into his arms. She tried to pull away but he held tight.

  He had her back spooned against him as he kissed her neck. Her body trembled. “Amy, it’s not true.”

  “What’s not true? The part when you told me we could have a family? Or the part about wanting to wait until the time is right? I’m having a problem with both since you’re getting your needs met elsewhere.”

  He kissed her cheek and found it wet with tears. “I don’t know who started the rumor, but that’s all it is, a rumor.”

  “There were plenty of witnesses. Please Eli, don’t try to make a bigger fool out of me. I’m so tired, I just want to sleep.” She renewed her efforts to pull free from his embrace.

  There was nothing he could do about it. He’d have to wait until the morning. Sighing, he loosened his hold on her and waited until her breathing became rhythmic due to sleeping. He lay there for a long time wondering why the widow would claim they’d been lovers. Finally he drifted off.

  It took all of her determination to climb out of the wagon the next morning. Eli was already gone, but he’d made a fire for her and the coffee was ready. She sat on a rock, watching the fire and sipping her coffee, trying to pretend she didn’t notice all the speculative looks sent in her direction or the way people were whispering to one another. She saw Widow Hawkins and stared at her. The widow nodded to her and smiled. Amelia turned her back on her. The widow had been nice to her the whole trip. She kept to herself much of the time, and she didn’t seem to be one for gossip. But that only made her claim all the more believable.

  Amelia’s face heated and her heart pounded. She didn’t feel well, so she decided to forgo making food. She quickly packed everything up, hitched the oxen, and waited inside her wagon for the signal to get moving. She couldn’t face the rest of the group. They were probably laughing at her naïveté in the ways of husbands. Cheryl had been right, and Eli probably had spent time with a woman at Fort Laramie. If he meant for the marriage to be a committed one, he’d have given her the ring. Every time she put the tailgate down, it was there. She was tempted to throw it in the grass.

  The widow was very attractive, and she was undoubtedly experienced. There was no way Amelia could compete. Somehow, by being his wife she didn’t think she’d have to compete.

  Like a scared rabbit, she remained in her hole, waiting for Eli to come and explain but she heard the signal for the train to start moving so she scrambled to the front bench and grabbed the traces, ready to move out. She stared straight ahead and didn’t acknowledge anyone walking by. Holding her head high and keeping her tears in was exhausting but she managed to do so. At the nooning, she simply stayed in the wagon and ate some crackers and drank some water. She wasn’t up to seeing anyone.

  Part of her wanted to scratch Eli’s eyes out, but a bigger part of her knew it was her own fault. Even after he told her she wasn’t ugly, he had gone to that other woman. He was a liar and a cheat. How could she have been so fooled by him? She couldn’t take it anymore. She climbed out of the wagon and limped over to the Hawkins’ wagon. She needed to hear it from the widow.

  Belva Hawkins stood as Amelia approached. Her beautiful red hair, creamy skin and her curves brought envy to Amelia’s heart.

  “Amelia, I was expecting you. Please sit down.” She gestured to an upturned crate near the cook fire. “I take it you heard what’s been happening.”

  Amelia nodded, not trusting her voice.

  “As you know, my husband died of the Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. I was having a hard time of it. Franklin, my husband, never allowed me to lift a finger, and I didn’t know how to do the simplest of things. Eli came to my rescue. It was right before you two married.” Belva smiled as though remembering something wonderful.

  “One thing led to another. I grieved for my husband, but we’d never really got on. Eli was just so sweet and giving. I’m so sorry to have to tell you about this. I was surprised when Benjamin Cruthers accused me, but I had to tell the truth. I’m sure if you ask Eli he’ll tell you. He tried to stay away, but he said there was something wrong with your hip, and you can’t have marital relations.”

  “When did he say that?” Amelia held her breath.

  “Sometime after your snakebite, I think. So much has happened since we left Independence. I love Eli you know, and if he comes to me, I can’t make any promises to turn him away.”

  A nightmare, she must be having a nightmare. Amelia didn’t respond. She stood up and walked back to her wagon as regally as she could, given her limp. She’d been a first class fool. All this time she’d been yearning for kisses from her husband and someone else was receiving them. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t go back home, she had no one she could share a wagon with. Maybe she could ask Eli to take his stuff back to Smitty’s wagon.

  Her head began to pound painfully and she didn’t feel up to cooking again. Instead, she climbed into her wagon, placed the netting all around her and slept.

  Later that day, Amelia woke in the moving wagon. She peeked outside, saw Eli sitting on the front bench and sighed. She quickly lay back down. It was the cowardly way out, but she wasn’t up to facing him. If he’d never said her hip wasn’t hideous and she could have children, it wouldn’t hurt so much. He had given her false hope, and she had been stupid enough to believe him.

  She couldn’t stay with him. Slowly, she crawled to the back, climbed over side, and dropped down to the ground. She fell and rolled quick enough to avoid being run over by the next wagon. It had been a stupid thing to do but staying in the wagon was not an option. After getting up she dusted herself off and began to walk. She purposely walked at a pace that allowed the rest of the wagons and walkers to pass her. She wanted to be alone. Not that anyone greeted her or offered to walk with her.

  He was welcome to the widow if that’s what he wanted. If anyone had asked her a few days ago she would have said there is no way
Eli would do that. He must have laughed at her inept kissing. Her eyes filled and she tripped over an exposed tree root. She ended up cutting her knee and hands pretty bad but the pain was nowhere close to the pain she had in her heart.

  Up ahead, the wagons began slowing and circling, but she wasn’t ready for her solitude to end. She ducked into the woods but kept walking in the direction of the camp. It would be best if she remained close in case there was trouble, but she wanted to be separate. She walked until she was right next to the camp and sat on a felled tree.

  She hoped to catch a glimpse of Eli yet she really didn’t want to see him. The longer she sat there watching all the families, happy and not so happy, getting their livestock taken care of and their fires going the madder she became. She had told Eli about her hip. She’d worked hard, and did all she could except for… And he had been the one to put a stop to anything physical between them, not her. He should be the one who people talked about. He should be the one who couldn’t hold his head up high. This was of his doing, yet people never saw it that way. It was Belva’s shame too.

  The longer she sat there, the angrier she got. Where was he? She took an angry breath and stood up. She was not going to be concerned about him or what others had to say. The shame was not of her making. She straightened her shoulders, and though she quaked inside she emerged from the woods and walked purposefully to her wagon. She felt the heat of everyone’s stare, but she pretended to ignore it.

  The fire was already made, so she got busy cooking the beans she had soaking. She added fatback to them and then put the coffee on. She grabbed her Dutch oven and quickly made dough for biscuits. She then set it on hot coals and shoveled more hot coals on the top. Finally she drank a dipperful of water and glanced around. Everyone looked to be too busy to stare at her now. She sighed deeply and sat on her crate.

  She was tempted to go and hide in the wagon, but she refused to give them the satisfaction. It was better to act as though she didn’t care, then they’d have no weapon against her. She checked on the biscuits, stirred the beans, and sat back down.

  Without warning, she felt him behind her. She knew it was him, but she didn’t move.

  “I bet you’re tired from your long walk.” His voice was surprisingly gentle.

  “Not so much. I’m fine.” She really didn’t want to talk to him. There was nothing he could say to justify his actions. His sin wasn’t so much the other woman, it was making her feel safe and cherished when that wasn’t true. He’d lied when he said her hip wasn’t ugly, and he had probably lied about her being able to have children. She’d never have thought him the type to deceive her, but here they were.

  “I was worried. I backtracked looking for you. People saw you walking slowly as they passed you in their wagons. No one remembered talking to you though. You should have stayed in the wagon.”

  She clenched her fists and closed her eyes. “Like I said, I’m fine. If it’s supper you’ll be wanting, then you can come back in an hour.”

  “You’re mad.” He pulled up a crate and sat next to her.

  She couldn’t look at him so she stared at her clenched fists in her lap. “I’m fine.”

  He reached to take her hand but she turned away. “I’ll see you in an hour.” She hoped he’d leave.

  “I can stay and be with you.” He actually sounded perplexed.

  “I don’t want you here. Please go. I don’t want people to have more to talk about. Please.” Her voice wavered but her resolve to be strong didn’t.

  “If that’s what you want. I’ll be back.”

  She didn’t watch to see where he went. Not knowing was better. How much longer was this impossible trip going to take? She ladled some water into a basin and got out a cloth. Her knee was killing her. As discreetly as she could she uncovered her knee. It was worse than she thought. She put the wet cloth to it and she welcomed the pain. For a moment, she focused on that pain instead of her heartache. She cleaned it and then emptied the water in the bushes nearby.

  He’d be back in an hour and she didn’t have a clue how to act.

  “Amy? Mind if I pour myself some coffee?” Jed asked.

  “Suit yourself. If it’s talking you want, I’m out of words today.” She gave him a big frown.

  “Belva is an enticing woman.”

  She shook her head. “Don’t you dare defend that lying brother of yours!” Tears formed in her eyes as she realized just how loudly she’d answered him.

  “Amy, don’t cry. The rumors aren’t true.” Jed reached out to touch her arm.

  She took a step back and avoided his touch. “Please, I’m asking you to leave.”

  He hesitated.

  “I’m going to fall apart if you stay, and I seem to have a very big audience.” She bit her lip until he nodded his head.

  “You take care, Amy and if you need anything—”

  “She has me,” Eli practically growled as he walked toward them.

  “Of course she does. You two have a nice evening,” Jed said as he nodded to them both. He turned and walked away.

  “We can’t let this come between us, Amy. You’re my wife.” His voice was so calm she was tempted to hit him.

  “Dinner isn’t ready yet.” She climbed into the wagon hoping to escape. To her dismay, Eli climbed in after her.

  The tears she’d been holding in all day poured down her face. She couldn’t take anymore. “I’ve been living a lie all my life. The Cruthers lied to me, and now I’ve lied to myself. I told myself we were happy and you cared. I don’t know who I am or how I fit anymore. Eli, why couldn’t you have waited until we were in a place where people wouldn’t know what you were doing? Didn’t you once think it wouldn’t get back to me? My God, It’s been one slap in the face after another all day long. Everyone has been staring at me, whispering about me… And the knowing grins have been the worst. People actually wish me ill. The Cruthers’ betrayal was hard enough, but yours, I never thought you would do something to disgrace me.” She reached for a handkerchief. “I understand about your needs, but you made me feel as though we’d have a family together. You told me my hip wasn’t so bad. You gave me hope that you could actually love me someday.”

  She grabbed a bag and began putting Eli’s things in it. “Please leave me alone. I can’t look at you right now.”

  “You’re not giving me a chance to tell you my side of the story,” he accused angrily.

  “Please keep your voice down. Everyone already knows too much. Fine, if you won’t leave that’s fine but I’m not up to talking to you right now. I’m at my breaking point, and I don’t want to feel broken again.”

  He gave her a long assessing look and then nodded. “I’ll bunk in with Jed and Smitty. If you need anything, please let me or Jed know. And if you need someone who is wise to talk to, there is always Smitty. We’ll talk in a few days.” He actually seemed sad to be leaving.

  “Bye.” She turned her back and waited for him to leave. When he was gone she mopped up her face and went to make sure her biscuits weren’t burned. To her relief they were a nice golden brown. The beans were ready too. She took everything off the fire and put it on the front bench of the wagon to cool. Next she put the crates back into the wagon and climbed in herself.

  She still wasn’t hungry but she made herself eat a little bit before she brought everything inside the wagon. She quickly changed into her gown and pulled the netting over her. Eli’s netting was still there. She put it at the end of the wagon where he could easily grab it.

  He’d been right, she was exhausted from all the walking. The Widow Hawkins didn’t have a limp. In fact she seemed to glide as she walked. She was graceful and very lovely. Everything Amelia wasn’t. There wasn’t a thing she could do about it. It galled her to no end just how powerless a woman was. Finally she drifted off.

  Chapter Eleven

  Eli was glad to see Fort Hall. It wasn’t much of a fort, but Jed would be able to ask around about Lily. There were many Indians trading, and
he noticed how wide Amy’s eyes got when he saw them. She must be still traumatized about the Indian raid, and he couldn’t blame her. He did smile thinking of how good she could shoot.

  It had been three days that they’d been apart. It was killing him, since he was innocent, but Amy didn’t want to hear it. He was giving her the space she needed, but he couldn’t see how it was helping the situation. If anything, it gave people more to talk about. He didn’t dare go and talk to the widow. He didn’t want to be seen talking to her. From what he could gather, she had told Amy that she was having relations with him. Why she’d do such a thing, he couldn’t figure. What did she have to gain by lying?

  He couldn’t come up with any reason. Meanwhile, he was apart from his wife, who cried herself to sleep every night. He had to fight the urge to jump into the wagon and comfort her. He wasn’t welcome. Heck, she refused to look at him. She seemed so alone, and his heart broke for her. It also broke for himself. What if they never found their way back to each other?

  They would stop at the fort but not stay. A little bit away was fresh water, grass, and no mosquitoes. After that, though, the next part of the journey consisted of no water and little grass. He needed to have a meeting that night and make sure everyone was ready. He had the wagons stop at Fort Hall. Then he rode up and down the train letting people know this was a quick stop and the prices were very high. They also didn’t carry much.

  He got to Amy, and his heart reached out, but hers seemed to be cold as ice. “We’ll be stopping for a bit. Do you need anything from the fort? I’d be happy to get something for you.”

  She stared at the oxen and shook her head. “No, thank you.”

  He waited, hoping she would look at him, but she didn’t. “Amy, if you knew me at all, you’d know I’d never break my vow to you.” She closed her eyes but didn’t say a word. He did notice her hands were shaking.