Shattered Chaos (Steel Roses Book 1)

by Samantha Bee

  I talked to Jack and he thinks I could manage doing the transfer with her, but they want me to practice catching an instructor before trying it with her.

  I jump off the ledge and get into the knee hold quickly and without a problem. Jack is calling out instructions since timing is the most important aspect of this move. I have my arms extended and can see Lila, the other instructor, reaching her arms to me. I latch both hands on to her wrists, she releases her legs and the next thing I know, we are both hanging from only my bar, with only my knees holding us up fifteen feet in the air.

  She’s beaming at me as I release her, before releasing my hold and we both fall into the safety net laughing. It’s an exhilarating feeling, flying up there with a view of the ocean and the wind rushing through my hair.

  We climb out of the net and she pushes her hair out of her face, “I don’t think we have ever had anyone take to this as quickly as you have, Scar.”

  “I think it’s the pole dancing,” I tease her, “I’m used to contorting my body.” We both laugh as we walk over to where the guys and Roe are watching us. Roe is grinning from ear to ear like she has been practically the whole time we’ve been here.

  “It’s not only you that is a natural,” she says, throwing an affectionate look at Roe, “Rowan has taken to it better than most of the adults we have. I think the two of you will be totally fine doing the transfer.”

  I look at Roe, “What do you say, Roe baby? Trust me enough to catch you?” she’s nodding emphatically before I can even finish the question. We all chuckle and Noah hands me some water before kissing my temple.

  I take a minute to catch my breath from the adrenaline rush before smiling at her, “I say we go for it.” She beams and starts taking off towards the ladder without a moment’s hesitation. Kade and Lila follow after her to help her on her end while Jack follows me up the opposite ladder.

  He runs through the instructions one more time, reminding me of the differences it’ll be like with Roe before patting me on the back, “You’ve got this. And don’t forget, neither of you can get hurt even if you don’t make the catch.”

  I smile, “I’m not worried.” He chuckles and I brace myself before taking off from the ledge. What I said to him was the truth. From the first moment, Roe and I saw each other we connected. We are completely in sync and I almost feel like it’ll be even easier with her than it was with Lila.

  I get in position and hear the countdown for Roe as I swing and release my hands, once more. A giggle breaks through the air and emotion swells in my throat, hearing the first ever happy sounds she has made. I arch my back and reach out my arms as I catch a glimpse of her doing the same.

  She cries out, “Mommy!” with a huge smile on her face a moment before I latch on to her wrists and Jack calls for her to release her legs. She does, trusting me implicitly as she giggles and swings below me. The emotion bursting through me threatens to strangle me as a single tear rolls down my cheek as my own giggle bursts through my lips.

  She looks up at me, her eyes shining with pure happiness. Instead of dropping her like I did with Lila, I release my legs and pull her towards me, so we land in the net with her on top of me. She knocks the breath of me a little bit, but I don’t care as I snuggle her into my chest and nuzzle her hair.

  She spoke for the first time ever and it was to call me Mommy. I squeeze her tight against me as she lets out more giggles. It’s like now that she’s broken through that mental barrier, there’s nothing holding her back.

  “Mommy, I can’t breathe,” her sweet little voice is so soft and pure. It’s easily the best sound I have ever heard in my life.

  I ease up just a little bit as more tears roll down my face, “I’m sorry, Roe baby,” I whisper, “but you’re talking.”

  She scrunches up her nose like she’s thinking, “I am,” she says, and she almost sounds like she’s in awe.

  We are still laying in the net, just staring at each other when Kade yanks both of us out and into his arms, sandwiching her between the two of us. Her giggles are music to my ears, and I meet Kade’s eyes to find them teary as well. We wear matching grins as Roe squeaks between us.

  We probably look crazy to everyone around us, but I don’t think anyone could understand the value in this moment. I haven’t even been able to swallow all of my emotions at her calling me Mommy. I really don’t know what to do about it. No part of me wants to correct her even though I probably should. I can’t be her mom, right?

  Kade releases us onto the ground as Noah approaches and wipes the tears off my face, “That was the first time she spoke, wasn’t it?” I’d almost forgotten just how perceptive he could be. I nod as I watch Kade spinning her around as she laughs like any other child.

  Noah pulls me to his chest as we watch their antics, and he places soft kisses on my head. I’m surprised by how much I missed him since he’s been gone. I’ve never missed a guy I was screwing before, but Noah is different. His presence alone soothes me in a way no one else has ever managed. Not even Luca or Kade. They both rile me up, albeit in different ways from each other.

  Noah is my calm though. My center. Having him back and being in his arms as we watch Kade’s antics with Roe settles some of the anxiety I’ve been feeling. I lean back and look up at him before admitting, “I missed you, too.”

  Jack and Lila both come down from the platforms and congratulate us on perfecting the transfer on our first try. I can see the questions in their eyes, but I know they won’t ask. They’ve both been nothing but professional and helpful today.

  They move us over to the next aerial apparatus which is the silks. We let Roe go first and she takes to them even faster than she did the trapeze. The moves Lila teaches her are even more simple than the ones we’ve already learned. Now that Roe is talking, she is able to ask her own questions and satisfy her curiosity about everything.

  She still isn’t chattering away like most kids her age would be but she’s definitely speaking and communicating now. I pull out my phone as I watch the joy on her face and start doing research on aerial schools.

  She’s even letting Lila touch her now as she learns wraps and different positions. I’m in fucking awe of her transformation. Luca and Ryder are going to go into shock when they realize what they missed.

  I find the perfect option and start sending emails to get all of the information I need about it. My phone rings in less than ten minutes since I sent my first inquiries out. I walk away but keep my eye on Roe as I talk to one of my account managers.

  We go back and forth on numbers for maybe fifteen minutes before we come to a conclusion. I walk back to where Noah and Kade are still watching her as I continue to stare at my phone and open the documents Jonathan just sent me. I read over everything and start digitally signing where I need to.

  Kade glances over his shoulder to look at, “What are you doing back there, Ladybug?”

  “Hmm?” I question, not sparing him a glance as I continue to sign the documents. It takes a moment before I comprehend his question. “Oh, sorry. It’s nothing important.”

  He moves closer and looks down at my phone before letting out his deep throaty chuckle, the one that tells me he’s amused and just slightly exasperated, “You just bought an aerial dance studio, didn’t you?”

  Noah’s head snaps back towards us, “Bought a what?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I deny. When in doubt, deny, deny, deny. I am firmly team denial.

  “Oh yeah?” he questions, “Then what documents are you signing?”

  I shrug but Noah’s look of utter astonishment makes it hard to stay straight faced. “Did you really buy a studio, baby girl?” he questions accusingly.

  For some reason it’s harder to keep up the denial with him than Kade. Kade’s an ass but Noah is just, well Noah. Plus, he planned this whole amazing day and he’s the reason Roe was here and got excited enough to start speaking.

  I look at my feet as I scuff my shoes against the groun
d, “Maybe,” I mumble.

  Kade cracks up, “You can no longer give us a hard time about buying her shit.”

  I point my finger at him, “You guys buy shit every day!” It’s one hundred percent not the same thing at all. We are practically tripping over toys at this point. Roe already has her favorites, and they haven't changed from the first day the three of them came home with arms full of bags. “It’s just excessive now.”

  “Excessive?” he exclaims, clearly more amused than anything but not going to let it go. “You just bought a whole business for a four-year-old!”

  “Look how happy she is though,” I point out.

  He grins, “Oh I know, I would have done it myself if you hadn’t beaten me to it. Welcome to the dark side,” he teases me.

  I leave his cackling ass and Noah’s disbelief as I join Roe and Lila and learn some of the techniques for aerial silks. These would be pretty fun to install at the club for some performances once I get the hang of them.

  When we take a break to drink water, I study Roe as she silently watches Lila on the silks. She’s mesmerized by the way her body moves through them while being suspended in the air. I want to keep that look of wonder on her face for as long as I can. It’s a youthful, innocent curiosity of discovering a new passion, a new love.

  I brush the hair from her face and tuck it behind her ear, “You want to keep learning this stuff together?”

  She drags her eyes away from Lila to me, “Really?” the shy excitement evident in her voice.

  “Yeah, Roe baby. I already found us a school.” She squeals and climbs into my lap before turning attention back to Lila.

  “Thank you, Momma,” she whispers.

  Joe’s words from all those weeks ago play back to me and I know I’ll never be able to deny being her mom, no matter how much the prospect scares me. How could I possibly refuse her after everything she’s been through?

  “Anything for you, sweet girl,” I drop a kiss on her head. She leans back into my chest and we both let out a content sigh. We spend the rest of our session just watching Jack and Lila perform the more advanced tricks.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  “You are extra moody today,” Tyler grumbles. I pointedly arch a brow at him, reminding him just who he is talking too, I’m not Kade and that shit won’t fly. “Sorry, boss,” he sighs.

  Ryder pats him on the back, “Don’t worry. You aren’t wrong,” he sends a taunting wink at me. I had hoped when Ryder joined the team, he would be more on my side, but he was immediately drawn into the antagonizing duo’s antics. I guess I should have seen it coming, he’s more like Scar than any of us.

  While Kade has learned to embrace his demons and laugh in their faces, Scar and now Ryder choose to bury them and distract themselves from their grief.

  I know what happened to his sister, he briefly opened up to me about it. It’s where Rowan’s first middle name, Jane, came from. He wanted a piece of his sister to live on and asked Rowan if she would mind using his sister’s middle name.

  I know he opened up more to Scar and even a bit to Kade, so I guess he isn’t quite as bad as she is. He still hasn’t allowed himself time to grieve though. Instead going out and partying with the other two delinquents I have to deal with. At least he hasn’t brought any other girls back. I don’t want strangers around Rowan, for one. Two, I’m really not sure how Scar would react to it.

  She claims there isn’t anything going on between the two of them, but we all know denial and avoidance are her best tricks. Apparently, they’re Ryder’s as well. Kade has told me about their nights out and how he attempts to distract himself with other women but can never follow through.

  The next day he always just throws himself even harder into training and neither of us have missed the fact that he sticks closer to Scar on his bad days. Just like Scar, I don't think he even realizes it.

  “Like you’re one to talk,” I scoff. He’s been moping around all day ever since Scar laid into him about skipping training. No one wants a tongue lashing from her but more so, he’s been pouting about being left out. I’m not exactly happy about it either.

  I’m not close to Noah but he’s a cool guy. I don’t know what he had planned, but the fact that they took Rowan is weighing heavily on my mind. Ty isn’t wrong, I have been snappier than usual because of it. I sigh.

  Ryder shakes his own head, “We are pathetic.”

  “Speak for yourself,” I snap.

  “What’s going on with you guys?” Ian asks as he walks over to us.

  “Noah came to take Scar on a date,” Ryder starts to explain when Holden interrupts him, “The two of you are pouting because you’re jealous?”

  “I’m not pouting,” we both snap at the same time. He holds up his hands in defense, “Sorry, sorry. Continue.”

  Ryder sighs, “It’s not jealousy about the date. They took Rowan and Kade too.”

  Ian slaps Ryder on the back, “I get that. It’s hard not being a part of activities with kids.”

  I guess he would understand being a single dad. Charlene takes the boys to do things all the time and I know it’s hard on him and Holden both to not be there every day. I can sympathize now that we do have Rowan. It’s hard to ever be away from her especially when she’s doing new things.

  Like today. I groan internally. The truth is I am jealous of Noah. And Kade. They both get to spend the day with my two favorite girls. They get to hold Scar’s hand and kiss her, fuck her. I might actually have to stab my eardrums out if I have to hear Kade pounding into Scar one more time.

  I swear they go at it every fucking night and it’s impossible to sleep when I can hear her sweet moans through the walls. It’s a special kind of torture being so close to her pleasure but still so far away. For some masochistic reason, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

  I walk away from their conversation to compose myself. I don’t like showing so much emotion to the guys even if they are inner circle now, maybe even family. We’ve been spending more and more time with all of us together as the kids bond. They’re sweet kids but all four of them are hellraisers. Rowan grows more so every day as she continues to be comfortable with us and in her own skin.

  She’s gonna turn all our hair gray but even that thought just warms my heart. It’s going to be hard when she moves out and things go back to semi normal. I’ve enjoyed the chaotic whirlwind that my house has turned into.

  My phone goes off in my pocket and I pull it out to find Kade sent a video to a group chat with all of us. I pause where I am to see what the four of them have gotten up too. Thankful, Kade thought to send us an update.

  Nothing could have prepared me for what the video contains. Fear climbs up my spine as I watch Rowan jump off a ledge while holding on to only a trapeze bar. What the fuck were they thinking letting a toddler do that by herself?

  I continue to watch as I notice Scar’s black hair swinging in the wind as she hangs upside down from another bar. My heart jolts in my chest. I’m going to kill Noah.

  I’m standing in the middle of the gym, fuming at these idiots for doing something so reckless with her. Did they forget she’s practically a baby? That she was in the hospital only weeks ago? I swear my heart stops beating as Rowan moves her body to hang upside down in the same position as Scar. How was she even able to do it so fluidly? She looks like a natural.

  She swings back as she releases her arms, arches her back and the most whimsical giggle comes out of the phone. My mouth drops open as I turn the volume up, desperate to hear more of the sound. Just as Rowan arches her back and reaches her arms out to meet Scar’s, she opens her mouth and screams “Mommy!” as more giggles escape her.

  She talked. She fucking talked. And we missed it.

  I turn around and find Ryder, “Ry, we’re leaving,” I demand.

  He obviously hasn’t checked his phone yet and didn’t hear the video from where he is based on his perplexed expression. “Now,” I snap before turning towards the door and leaving.
/>
  I recognized where they were based on the video Kade had sent us. I don’t care if we missed the most exciting part of the day, I will be damned if we miss any more. The pier is a great place to just hang out and have good old-fashioned fun.

  I wouldn’t be caught dead swinging from a trapeze anyways, but carnival games? I have a real knack for that shit, and I plan on winning Rowan some prizes before filling her with sugar and hearing more of those sweet giggles.

  Ryder watched the video once we were in the car and was just as eager to get to them as I was. The drive seemed to drag by even though I know it’s really not that far of one. We park and both hop out of the car, barely speaking as we are both anxious to just see the girls.

  We head towards the aerial arts school, not sure that’s where they will still be but it's as good a place as any to start. Just as we’re about to reach the entrance I hear Scar’s familiar laughter followed by girly giggles.

  I spin on my heels and scan the area until my eyes find Rowan sitting on Kade’s shoulders while Noah and Scar take turns tickling her belly. Ryder and I both immediately change direction to move towards them, knowing they haven’t spotted us yet.

  “Momma, stop it!” Rowan shrieks gleefully. My heart bursts open as warmth spreads through me at the sound of her little voice and the joy I can hear in it. The emotions vibrating through my body are almost too much and my eyes water as my throat tightens.

  Beside me, Ryder is very much in the same state of shocked awe and emotional overload. I shake myself off as I start moving again and Ryder is quick to follow.

  Rowan is the first to spot us and she beams as she leans and reaches her arms out to us. I shoulder chuck Ryder and get to her first as she launches herself off of Kade and into my open arms. She almost knocks Kade over as she throws him off balance and Scar panics for half a moment before she sees me and relief floods through her.