Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  Bert looked up toward the hilltop he’d originally came from. “Like an observation tower?”

  “Oh, shit,” Sharp said. “Exactly like an observation tower. Go!”

  “Are you sure?” Bert asked. “If that’s what she was planning why’d she go to the cave at all?”

  “She needed time to work out the spell and figure out how to not kill herself in the process. The amount of energy she’ll be trying to manipulate… Well, let’s just say it’ll make our magic circle look like child’s play. If she makes a mistake it’ll fry her. Go.”

  “So, she probably has it worked out, then,” Bert said. “Right?”

  Instead of answering his question, Sharp said, “You’d better hurry.”

  Bert ran, moving his legs as fast as he could. Ignoring his wet clothes and the shivering cold around him, he headed back for the tower. In his head, Sharp offered encouragement. “Pump those fat little legs, porker. It is time to get that cardio in! Mush! Mush!”

  ***

  He could feel the tension in the air as soon as he hit the parking lot. It pressed in on him from every direction, similar to the Autumn Woe.

  “Hurry, Bert,” Sharp said. “She’s already started the spell. If she gets away now you won’t find her again.”

  Bert continued forward, but glanced around ensuring there were no other enemies. He didn’t see any and the only vehicles in the lot were still his and Kevin’s. Looking up, he could see Lilith at the top of the tower, holding her staff high as purple energy swirled around her.

  “She’s still gathering energy, right?” Bert asked. “There’s still time.”

  “Yeah,” Sharp replied. “But you have much bigger problems to worry about.”

  “Like?”

  “Look toward the middle of the tower.”

  It only took a moment for him to spot them, and only a moment more to see who, or what, they were. Three clowns, sneaking up the tower like the creepy bastards they were.

  “Shit,” Bert said. “But she handled a few earlier on her own, right?”

  “Yes, but I don’t think the ones before were as powerful as these. Even from here I can sense the power radiating off them. They aren’t the top dogs from the fun house, still toddlers by that standard, but they’re still powerful enough to make short work of you.”

  Bert drew his gun and fired at the clowns. He knew he wouldn’t hit them, but surely Lilith heard the shot and would realize someone was creeping up on her. At least that way they wouldn’t get a jump on her. And if he was lucky, the gunshot would stall them as well.

  The clowns turned to face him, and even from a distance, he could see they were smiling. Lilith turned as well and glanced down at him.

  “Clowns!” Bert screamed. “Below you!”

  She glanced over the rails and saw the clowns below. Their cover blown, they picked up the pace. So much for stalling them.

  Bert sprinted to the bottom of the stair case, but before he could take a step, a voice called from behind. “Bert!”

  He spun around and saw Simon, now decked out in his black fatigues, as he’d been that night by the creek. He looked a little out of breath, but not as much as Bert.

  “Simon,” Bert said. “You’ve got to help me.”

  “You know I can’t do that,” Simon said, a look of sorrow on his features.

  “Look,” Bert said. “She’s got the object. That’s what you want, right?”

  “They want her, too.”

  “Does loyalty mean anything to you anymore?”

  “Of course it does,” he said through gritted teeth. “Why else would I be doing this? You think I want to kidnap your girlfriend?”

  “And are you sure you’re being loyal to the right people? Are you sure these are the people you want to call family, Simon?”

  “We’ve already been through this.”

  “You want to go up there and face the clowns alone?”

  “Clowns?” Simon asked, glancing toward the tower.

  “It’s not important,” Bert said. “What is important is that I’m asking for your help. I’m begging you, Simon. Please help me save Lilith.”

  “I can’t,” he said, looking away. “I have no choice in this, Bert.”

  “You know I won’t let you take her.”

  “I know.” Simon’s eyes locked with his again, and he continued, “But now I’m begging you. Stand down, Bert. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You already have,” Bert said, laughing. “And Lilith… When you take her back they’ll torture her, they’ll rape her, and if she’s lucky, eventually they’ll kill her. And you’ll be responsible.”

  Simon was silent for a moment, then he said, “There’s nothing I can do about that. I have no choice. I need to get up that tower.” His voice hardened. “I’m only going to ask you to move one more time.”

  “Simon,” Bert said, drawing his sword and staff from his back. “Go fuck yourself.”

  “You know I’m more powerful than you,” Simon said as he drew in energy. “I always was. You can’t beat me. Please get out of the way.”

  “Go. Fuck. Your. Self.” Bert’s eyes blazed with blue light as he drew in energy as well.

  He knew the attack was coming and was ready. Simon hurled a ball of raw energy and Bert summoned his shield, blocking it. Simon hadn’t lied. He was more powerful. Indeed, he probably was more powerful than Bert, but it didn’t matter. He was getting pretty used to being outclassed and he had no intention of fighting fair.

  He hurled a minor energy spell of his own and rushed forward, charging at Simon. His foe stepped backward, keeping the distance between them, and fired another energy burst. “Damnit, Bert! This doesn’t have to get bloody.”

  “Yes, it does,” Bert replied, blocking his attack. “Go fuck yourself.”

  He fired another energy spell at Simon, spun to dodge another of Simon’s spells, and fired another of his own from Sharp, hoping to catch him off-guard. It didn’t work, and they continued trading minor spells, neither gaining ground on the other. Simon may have been the more powerful of the two, but they were close enough to equals that there was only one way it would end. The kid gloves had to come off.

  “Stop this, Bert,” Simon said. “This is madness.”

  “Simon,” Bert replied, firing at him again. “Seriously… Go fuck yourself.”

  Simon’s jaw set in a grim line of determination and he stopped firing spells. Instead, he took another step back and started drawing in more energy. Bert didn’t know what he intended to try, but one thing was for sure. The game had changed. They were playing for keeps now. All or nothing.

  Simon fired a basketball-sized ball of flame at him. Bert strengthened his shield and hurled a lightning bolt in reply. If any tourists had been present, they might’ve thought they were witnessing two Greek gods playing King of the Hill atop Mt. Olympus.

  Above them Bert heard the sounds of combat and knew Lilith was engaged with the clowns.

  Simon’s fireballs got bigger with each throw, and Bert knew he wouldn’t be able to block them forever. Eventually his old friend would break through. Simon was definitely right about being more powerful, and left to Bert’s own abilities, he knew he wouldn’t have a chance. But he had Sharp.

  He switched to using Sharp to shield, as the frequency of Simon’s fireballs increased. Simon switched from hurling basketball-sized flames to baseball-sized and fired them rapidly from his staff. The smaller balls of energy bounced harmlessly off his shield when they hit, but many missed the mark completely. He was about to make a smartass remark when Sharp screamed, “Bert, behind you!”

  Bert spun just in time to deflect one of the little flame balls as it banked around and sought his back like a heat-seeking missile. Simon knew he wasn’t guarding his rear, but putting all of the strength in his shield to the front. Wizard fighting 101.

  In the moment Bert turned to cover his backside, Simon fired another of the big fireballs. Bert knew it was coming. It had all been
a bait and switch, but he also knew he wouldn’t make it back around in time to deflect.

  But as the fireball covered the distance between, a blur fell from above and the fire hit it instead, driving it forward toward Bert. In the span of a moment, he realized what it was. A clown. It had fallen from the tower at just the right moment, and at the right trajectory, that it fell in the direct path of Simon’s fireball. But the force of the spell drove it forward right into Bert. Instead of getting hit with a fireball, he got hit by a flaming clown.

  The weight of the clown knocked him from his feet. The clown landed on top of him, dead, burning, and still smiling like an asshole. With a grunt, Bert used all of his stored magic energy to hurl the clown’s burning body at Simon. “See, asshole… Clowns.”

  Bert immediately fired another energy spell, masking it behind the clown’s body. Simon swatted the corpse away but the energy spell caught him in the jaw and whipped his neck around like he’d been punched. Simon rolled with it and spun, firing another fireball at Bert, who was charging toward him again. This was the biggest fireball yet, and it took everything Bert had to block it, but he felt the heat searing against his flesh just the same.

  He pushed through the pain and struck out with his staff like it was a spear, hoping to catch Simon in the ribs or chest. At the last possible moment, Simon brought up his staff to block. Their staves connected in an awkward smack and they both staggered. When they came back up, each held his staff against the other’s throat.

  Like two swordsmen with their blades against each other’s necks, they found themselves in a draw, slowly circling around each other, each waiting for the other to make a move or pull back.

  “Well, this is awkward,” Bert said, glaring at his old friend.

  “Come on, Bert. Don’t make me hurt you. I don’t want to be doing this any more than you do.”

  “Then stop, Simon. Or, I don’t know, be a good friend and help me. I used to say you were my brother, and I meant it. What about you?”

  Simon’s jaw was set, but there was an uneasiness in his eyes. Yet Bert knew he wouldn’t fold. How could he? There was no doubt if Simon changed sides now his life was forfeit. He might’ve wanted to. But like Lilith, he was scared. Too scared to do the right thing, if he even knew what it was anymore.

  “I meant it, too,” Simon said. “But I don’t have a choice.”

  “You have a choice, Simon,” Bert said. “It’s just not an easy one. The deck has been stacked against me since the beginning. In case you haven’t noticed, you and your hipster pals aren’t the only ones after her. There’s you and your merry band of dipshits, an exceptionally powerful dark wizard slash asshole, the local flea ridden were-doggy gang, some vampires who act like they’re straight out of a Twilight and Godfather mash-up, some magic proof religious zealots called the Brotherhood of the fucking Magic Bane, and, oh, did I mention clowns? Fucking clowns, Simon. Turns out they’re actually a supernatural species, which is, I assure you, great news for everyone.

  You all have one thing in common… You all came to me and told me to find the object. And you all told me if I didn’t, you’d kill me and everyone I cared about. And to make it even better, one of my best friends is among the assholes threatening me. And, if he, referring to you here, doesn’t succeed, his boss will probably kill him too. But wait, folks, that’s not all. It also just so happens that the person you’re all after is the woman I’ve been in love with my whole life. Imagine my excitement when I figured that out. Is this all just one big cluster fuck of a coincidence? I don’t know, but what I do know, is that if I don’t pull some magic out of my ass, Lilith is going to die, our friends are going to die, and I’m going to die. So, do you know what I’ve decided I’m going to do?”

  Simon stared at him in wide-eyed wonder as he finished. Realizing he’d been asked a question, he blinked and said, “What are you going to do?”

  Bert grinned. “I’m going to save all of your asses.”

  The moment the words left his mouth, Sharp made his move. Caught up in Bert’s rant, Simon hadn’t noticed the sword slip away. Nor did he noticed when the sword floated up behind him. And with his shields maxed out in the front, Simon wasn’t prepared for a rear assault.

  Sharp’s hilt slammed down on the back of Simon’s head with a sickening thud. Simon’s eyes glazed over and for a moment, he remained on his feet staring at Bert. Then he stumbled and fell to the ground.

  Sharp hung in the air in front of Bert. He couldn’t be sure, but it almost looked like the dragon head on the hilt was smiling. The carving changed to an image of his sneak attack on Simon. Bert smiled.

  Above, at the top of the tower, Lilith still needed him. He called Sharp to his hand and darted for the stairs.

  Chapter 39

  Less than halfway up the tower, and his legs were already rubber. A fire burned in his lungs and his body begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t allow it. He moved his legs, one after the other, driving himself on pure will power. He’d stopped looking up, knowing whatever distance remained would be too much for his mind to cope with. One step at a time, he continued. At least he wasn’t cold anymore.

  Then he ran face-first into the back of a clown.

  He looked up, eyes wide in surprise. He was at the top. The clown looked back at him with equal surprise and bared his stupid razor-tooth grin.

  Catching his breath, Bert said, “You guys are just fucking terrifying.”

  The clown’s grinned widened, and he hit Bert with a little magical push. Just like that, Bert was tumbling back down the stair case. His knee and hip took the brunt of the impact, but he managed to snake out an arm to grab hold of the railing and caught hold before he barrel-rolled further.

  He struggled back to his feet and assessed the situation. One of the clowns lay dead on the platform. The other still stood where Bert had bumped into him. Lilith was on the other side, her face covered in sweat and her hair disheveled. She looked battered and worn, but her features were set in a defiant glare. A purple sheen covered her body, protecting her in a magical shield.

  Bert charged back up the few remaining stairs and the clowned turned to meet him. Lilith took the opportunity to throw a blast of purple energy at his back. The clown raised a hand and swatted it away like an annoying fly. “Hello, little wizard friend. Have you come to finish collecting our toy? Or have you come to play?”

  “Do you scary twits have to talk like that?” Bert asked. “Is it like, in the creepy clown manual?”

  The clown stuck out his lower lip and raised his hands in the same way a guilty child would when asked who ate all the cookies. It was the least adorable gesture he’d ever seen.

  “I’m here to bonk your nose,” Bert said, realizing too late how dumb it sounded.

  “Then I guess I’ll just have bop your tooter,” the clown replied, and hit him with another wave of energy. Bert’s defenses didn’t stand a chance, and once more he found himself rolling back down the metal stairs.

  As he came to a stop, pain shooting all over, he asked Sharp, “Did he just bop my tooter?”

  “Um, yeah, I guess he did,” Sharp replied. “Your tooter has been bopped.”

  Bert drew his revolver and fired two shots, hoping to catch him off-guard. Instead, the two slugs stopped in front of the clown, hung in the air for a moment, and then clanked against the platform.

  The clown gave him a sad look. “Now I’m going to have to toot on your boopity.”

  “What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that?”

  “Bert, stay out of this!” Lilith yelled, hurling purple bolts at the clown. “You’re out of your league!”

  “Do you mean magically? Or in saying stupid shit?” he asked, starting forward again. “Because I’m just getting warmed up on saying stupid shit… Clown, I’m going to skippitty-doo on your bazoomba.”

  The clown gave him a shocked look and said, “There’s no reason to be vulgar.”

  “She’s right, Bert,” Sharp said. “Y
ou’re useless in this fight. He just bopped your tooter, remember?”

  Bert ignored him and started toward the clown again, but when he took the final step the clown disappeared. Bert glanced around, uneasy by his sudden disappearance. Lilith still stood on the other side of the platform, holding her staff at the ready.

  The clown reappeared beside her. His hands glowing with blue energy, he jumped into the air and raised both hands over his head, as if he planned to Hulk smash her. Lilith unleashed the power she had built up and purple and blue energy exploded on impact, hurling both of them to opposite ends of the platform.

  Bert ran toward Lilith, firing his gun and hurling lightning bolts at the stunned clown. Nothing happened. Even dazed, the clown’s shields were too powerful for him.

  The clown flipped back up to his feet, grinning like a pervert at a porn store. Bert threw the nastiest lightning bolt he could summon on short notice and fired the last round in his gun. Nothing. Holstering his revolver, he drew his sword. The clown laughed.

  “Boopin’ the doopity,” the clown assured him, raising one hand upward. Bert’s body lifted into the air at the same moment. Up he went, climbing higher until the platform seemed small beneath him.

  From far below, the clown closed his fist and the breath burst from Bert’s lungs. Pain seared all over his body. It felt as though he was being crushed inward like an empty beer can. His sword and staff slipped from his hands and clanked to the platform below. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe.

  “No!” Lilith screamed, her eyes aflame with purple energy.

  The clown turned to face her, and as if forgetting Bert completely, released his hold. Bert fell to the platform with a crunch. The pain wasn’t immediate, but he had a feeling it’d be arriving shortly. He didn’t have time for it, though. Lilith’s entire body was lit in purple flames and the clown looked like a quarter back getting ready to hurl a ball of yellow energy for a touchdown. The energy stretched and grew until it was nearly as big as the clown himself.