Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  They both fired. Bert dove toward Lilith’s side. He didn’t get to see the collision of power, but even from flat on the floor he felt it, and for a moment he thought the whole tower was crumbling to the ground. Time slowed down and he watched the clown’s body fly over one side of the railing. Whipping his head around, he saw Lilith was headed for the same demise.

  Her eyes darted to his. Her hand reached for his. Then she went over.

  He forced himself to his feet, and without pausing to consider the stupidity of his actions, dove after her.

  She had a head start, and he knew he couldn’t catch her. From this distance, he wasn’t even sure he could cushion himself. This was it. The end of the line. The big boopity snoop.

  He called his sword and staff and they shot over the side of the tower like missiles and directly into his hands. Despite his impending doom, it felt nice to have them back. Now, he thought, back to the task at hand.

  Lilith was falling fast and she didn’t appear to be conscious. There was only one option. He summoned magical energy and fired at her, using it like a rip cord to grab her. It was dangerous. The whiplash could break her neck or spine. It didn’t matter. It was the only way.

  Her body stopped its descent and shot back up toward him like she was attached to a bungee rope. Releasing Sharp, he used his free hand to wrap her up as they collided together. He clutched her close, holding onto her with everything he had.

  Gathering energy again, he rolled to his back, ensuring he’d be the one to take the impact.

  He watched as the clown hit the ground with a thud, and Bert knew he had only a second longer. Howling with effort, he forced every bit of energy he had below them, creating a rough cushion of energy to soften their impact.

  In the last moment he knew it wouldn’t be enough. Then he hit the magical cushion and it held, but only for a moment, then he hit the ground, Lilith on top of him.

  For a moment he may’ve blacked out, but he wasn’t sure. What he did know was that his whole body writhed in agony, except for the parts that were just numb, and he didn’t want to think about the implications. His vision swam and he felt nauseated. But he was alive.

  He didn’t want to move for fear of spinal damage, but there wasn’t a choice in the matter. He needed to know if Lilith was alive, and more enemies would be coming soon. They’d had to have seen the explosion.

  As his vision settled he looked up at the tower. It seemed so high. He had to force down another wave of nausea and turned his attention to Lilith.

  For a moment he thought she was dead, but then felt her warm breath tickle his neck. He forced his hand to move and checked her pulse. It was strong and steady.

  Relieved, he shoved her off him and forced himself to a sitting position. When he didn’t die, he felt confident his spine was probably intact.

  “You going to sit there all day, or what?” Sharp asked from where he lay on the ground a short distance away. “You act like you just fell off a tower or something.”

  “Dizzy,” Bert replied. “Not sure if anything’s broken.”

  “Your cushion saved you. You didn’t fall that far when it gave.”

  Before rose to his feet. Nothing appeared to be broken. Sharp was right.

  As if reading his thoughts, Sharp said, “You big baby.”

  “I hope you chinked your blade,” Bert replied, testing out his ability to walk.

  “You might want to hurry up,” Sharp replied. “Before more clowns show up.”

  That was all the encouragement he needed. Despite the weariness and pain, he dragged Lilith to the Beast, sat her up in the back seat, and secured her with the safety belt. “Sharp, do you think her protection spell is attached to her or the trinket?”

  “The veil is almost certainly attached to the thorns,” Sharp said. “That prickly gauntlet is powerful enough to hold a self-sustaining spell. She isn’t.”

  He reached down and gently started picking the thorns free from her arm. Despite their metallic appearance, they pulled away easily enough and after a few, the twisting vines became limp and the thorns slid from her flesh of their own volition. Creepy.

  Only one thorn remained securely fastened in her skin. Unlike the others, this one individual thorn was solid white, a stark contrast to the ebony darkness of the others. As gently as he could, he pulled it free, wadded up the whole bloody mess, and tossed it in his jacket pocket.

  Next, he recovered Simon and buckled him into the back seat as well. Then he scavenged through his old tool box, retrieving rope, bungees, and duct tape, which he used to secure their hands and feet. He was done chasing. Now, he was taking prisoners.

  “Sharp, what’s the chances of either of them waking up soon?” Bert asked.

  “Ehh…” the sword replied. “I think they’ll both be out for a while.”

  Good enough. He didn’t want to leave Kevin’s truck next to the tower. Certainly Carter would know about the scene soon enough, or the police, and he didn’t want Kevin’s truck associated with the scene. But he couldn’t drive two vehicles at once. Instead, he went over and put Kevin’s truck in neutral, then chained it to the back of the Beast. He’d have to be careful without anyone to steer, but there was a park just down the road he could leave it at.

  He was just about ready to leave when another thought occurred to him. He couldn’t take a chance on the clowns. If any were still alive, they’d make his betrayal known to Ding Dong. He couldn’t risk it. Not yet.

  He stopped beside the first one who’d saved him from Simon’s flames. He was burnt to a crisp. Still unwilling to take a chance, he drew Sharp from his back and relieved the clown of his head. He couldn’t wait to hear what Carter would say about that.

  Then he moved on to the one they’d fought at the top. His spine was twisted from the fall and his lifeless eyes stared upward. He was still smiling. Goddamned Clowns.

  “Whose tooter is bopped now, asshole?” Bert asked as he cut off the clown’s head.

  ***

  Neil wasn’t happy. He thought he’d made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to be involved, but when Kevin reached out to him, his concern for his friend outweighed his anger. He knew he’d been too harsh, but damnit, Bert had put their lives in danger. Still, though, he probably should’ve heard him out. Bert had always played it straight with him before, but that was part of what made him so damned angry. He hated being tricked.

  When he walked into Bert’s house, Kevin and Jim were waiting for him in the living room. They gave him a quick recap and led him back to Bert’s bedroom. A minute later, they walked back to the living room. He didn’t know what the hell the magical circle was for either, but had to admit, at least to himself, that he was glad they called him. Whatever was going on, it was bad.

  As the three of them sat in the living room discussing it, an unfamiliar vehicle pulled into the driveway. Neil and Jim both glanced at Kevin. He shrugged, indicating he didn’t know who it was. Neil and Jim grasped their staves and followed Kevin out the door.

  The truck was brand new and probably cost more than Neil’s house. It parked in front of the house, and Falcon, Farrah, and Hunter stepped out of it.

  “Where’s Bert?” Hunter asked as he walked toward them.

  Kevin shook his head. “I was hoping you guys might know.”

  “Sup, dawgs?” Falcon asked. “So, you guys haven’t heard from him?”

  “No, but we’d sure like to,” Neil said, noticing the anger in his own voice.

  “You and everyone else,” Farrah replied. “Including Carter. I think he means to arrest him.”

  Neil, Kevin, and Jim shared a look, and it didn’t go unnoticed. Falcon, still smiling politely, asked, “You guys happen to know what he’s involved in?”

  “Nope,” Jim said. “But we’re trying to figure it out.”

  Farrah folder her arms and gave them a hard look. “Look, I realize he’s your friend, but I’ve got a suspicion he’s in real trouble. We just want to help.”

&n
bsp; “We’re in the same boat,” Jim said, toying with his glasses. “We don’t know what’s going on either.”

  “Then let’s share notes,” Falcon said.

  He told them what happened at the Falcon’s Nest, and then the guys showed them the circle. In the end, they were all still stumped.

  ***

  Bert knew Kevin wanted answers. He also knew it’d be hard to avoid providing those answers when he showed up with Lilith and Simon tied up in the back of his vehicle.

  He did have another idea though, and called out to Kevin.

  Kevin responded instantly. “Bert, where are you?”

  “I’m down by the lake in Beaver. I found your truck. It’s here in the park. Think you can get someone to run you over?”

  “Uh, yeah, sure,” Kevin replied. “Are you going to be around when I get there?”

  “Sure, I can wait. I might run down the road to grab a bite real quick, but I’ll be back before you get here.”

  “Cool. I’d like to talk to you,” Kevin said. Even via magic brain speak, his tone gave him away. He was pissed. Probably in full Stormtrooper stomp mode.

  Bert just hoped he hadn’t gone in his room. Or told the others about his weird behavior. Even if he had, this was pretty much a foolproof plan.

  “All right, then,” Bert said. “See you in a bit.”

  “Yes you will,” Kevin replied.

  ***

  “You think he’ll actually wait for you?” Falcon asked.

  Kevin shrugged. “I don’t know what to think at this point.”

  “All right,” Falcon said, nodding. “Farrah and I can go get your truck. Is there a way you guys can hide the rest of your vehicles?”

  “We can run them up to my house,” Hunter said. “Then ride back together. It’ll be easier to hide one.”

  “Perfect,” Farrah said, grinning wickedly. “I’m guessing my dear sweet husband thinks Bert’s trying to lure you away from the house. You guys hide inside and wait for him. If Falcon’s wrong, and Bert is running around Eureka, we’ll find him. We’ll also see if we can find out what’s going on with Carter.”

  “Makes sense,” Jim said. “We’ll jump out and grab him if he shows up.”

  “One more thing, dear,” Farrah said, raising a finger and giving them each a death stare. “If he does show up here, I expect a phone a call immediately. Understood?”

  Each of the guys nodded in turn, none foolish enough to risk Farrah’s wrath.

  Chapter 40

  Bert sighed with relief when he pulled in the driveway and saw no other vehicles. Foolproof plan, he reminded himself. It was about time something went his way. Lilith and Simon were still snoozing in the back seat, which made things considerably easier. He still wasn’t sure what he’d say if either of them woke up.

  He’d formulated the rest of his foolproof plan on the drive. Sharp didn’t like it. As he’d pointed out, it was less foolproof, and more jackassically fool definite. But Bert wasn’t confident that jackassically was a real word, and Sharp had offered no better suggestion.

  And, he was out of time. He’d secured the object, but as he’d already determined, his enemies wouldn’t be inclined to share with one another. Bunch of selfish ass-dicks that they were. His options were limited.

  He carried Lilith into the house first and gently laid her in his bed. Despite the hurt she’d caused him, when he stared at her delicate features, his heart still skipped a beat. There wasn’t any time to waste, but he paused anyway, stealing a precious moment to watch her sleep. After all, this was probably the last time he’d ever see her.

  Her eyes flickered open and met his. Her voice little more than a whisper, she said his name.

  He moved closer and said, “Just rest. You’re safe now.”

  “No,” she said, struggling for consciousness. “It’s not...what you think…”

  Her eyes closed and he thought she’d fallen back asleep. Still, he asked, “What’s not what I think?”

  “The object,” she said, inhaling a sharp breath. Her eyes remained closed. “It’s not what they want… It’s the key. They want the key.”

  “What key?”

  She didn’t answer, and in a few moments she was snoring.

  He didn’t know what the key was, but it really didn’t matter. His path was set.

  Next, he dragged Simon into the house and left him on his bedroom floor. He was a little worried about him being unconscious for so long due to a head injury, but Sharp assured him he’d used some magic to keep him down. Bert wasn’t entirely convinced.

  He tossed their staves in the house as well and headed out to the shed, where Kevin had stashed the crate of explosives he’d brought back from the Underbelly. As he set the crate in the back of the Beast, he decided to go back in the house one more time to collect ammo and a snack. The ammo wasn’t a necessity, but the snack was.

  When he walked inside, his friends were sitting around the living room, waiting for him, as if to have an intervention. He wasn’t expecting them, but did his best to play it cool. “Hey, guys.”

  “I thought you were waiting for me to come get my truck?” Kevin said, glaring at him.

  “And I thought you were leaving to go get your truck,” Bert replied, smiling.

  Kevin’s face reddened and he said, “What the fuck is going on?”

  “Nothing,” Bert said, shrugging. “I have a few things I need to take care of, so I disconnected the battery on your truck so no one would steal it again and headed out. Didn’t think it’d be a big deal.”

  “Bullshit,” Neil said, also glaring. “I think it’s time you told us the truth.”

  “I thought you didn’t want to be involved?”

  “I don’t,” Neil said, his glare hardening.

  “Yet, here you are.”

  “Yeah...” Neil replied, looking away. “Here I am.”

  Jim cleared his throat and said, “Listen, Bert, we’re all just worried about you. Tell us what’s going on.”

  Bert shook his head and met Jim’s gaze. “I can’t.”

  “Can’t?” Hunter asked. “Or won’t?”

  “You choose,” Bert said, shrugging. “I’m under order from the Hand not to say anything. I could get all of you, and myself, in a lot of trouble if I said too much.”

  “Bullshit,” Neil repeated, rising to his feet. “Carter is looking for you, moron! He’s going to arrest you!”

  “What?” Bert asked. This was news to him. “Where did you hear that?”

  “A reliable source,” Jim said.

  “Okay,” Bert said, looking around at each of his friends. “Then I’m running short on time. Guys, I’m sorry, but I have to go. We can finish this when I get back.”

  “No,” Kevin said, rising to his feet as well. Jim and Hunter did the same.

  “Holy shit, Bert,” Sharp said. “I think they intend to hold you by force.”

  Bert didn’t bother to reply. Sharp was right. His friends meant business.

  Kevin folded his arms across his chest. “You aren’t leaving until you tell us what’s really going on.”

  “For example,” Hunter said, pointing toward his bedroom. “Why’s your girlfriend tied up in your bed? Not sure how kidnapping works in the supernatural world, but in the real world, it’s super illegal.”

  “And Simon?” Neil added. “What’s he got to do with this?”

  “And what’s with the magic circle burnt into your floor?” Jim asked.

  “Would you believe me if I said I just couldn’t bear the thought of either of them leaving me?” Bert asked, forcing a grin. They didn’t smile back. His gaze fell to the floor. So much for something finally going his way. He looked back up at them and said, “Fine. Can I at least go to the bathroom? That’s the only reason I even came back inside. I’ve got to go so bad I can taste it.”

  “Like we’re going to fall for that,” Neil said, shaking his head.

  He did a little pee dance and said, “Seriously guys, I’m abou
t to piss my pants here.”

  Neil glanced at Kevin. “Can he get out through the bathroom?”

  “Really, Neil?” Bert asked. “You think I’d do something like that?”

  “I know you would,” Neil said. “It’s not even a question.”

  “I don’t think he can get out,” Kevin said. “Not unless he knows something I don’t.”

  “Fine,” Neil said. “You can go to the bathroom, but I’m coming with you.”

  “No, you’re not,” Bert said, meeting his gaze. “I’m going in there by myself like a big boy.”

  Bert started for the bathroom, his friends in tow. He stepped in, closed the door, and locked it before the argument could continue.

  From outside Kevin said, “Bert, we’ll know if you try to open that squeaky ass window.”

  Through the door, he replied, “I don’t know if I can go with you guys huddled around the door. That’s a lot of pressure.”

  In truth, he’d already considered the window and knew Kevin was right. If he tried to raise it, they’d hear and kick in the door. He needed another option and quick. His bathroom wasn’t particularly special. It had a toilet, a sink, a shower, and since his house was small, the washer and dryer were housed there as well. None of which offered him a great means of escape.

  Then, glancing up, he noticed the old dusty smoke detector. When they’d remodeled the house, Kevin had insisted he put a wired smoke detector in every room. It wasn’t required by code, but given the hell they wrecked on electronics, he figured one per room would increase the chances at least one would work in the event of a fire. It gave him an idea.

  ***

  Still in the hall, Kevin waited with the others. He ran the scenarios through his head and was sure there was no way Bert could escape the bathroom. If it had been Jim in there, he’d be able to teleport. Not Bert, though. And even if he were capable, he looked too worn out to pull off any real magic. Maybe he really did just need to pee.