Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  Then he caught a whiff of smoke and glanced at the others. “Do you guys smell—”

  “Under the door!” Hunter said, pointing toward the floor.

  Kevin glanced down and saw it as well. Puffs of smoke were rising from beneath the bathroom door. He slammed his hand against the door and yelled, “Bert!”

  There was no reply and the smoke detectors activated a moment later, screaming their high pitched whine throughout the house.

  Kevin tried the knob and realized it was locked. He thought he could hear a grating sound through the door, but the smoke detector was so damned loud he couldn’t guess what it was. Amplifying his own strength, he yanked on the door knob, ripping it free and breaking the mechanisms inside. But when he pushed on the door, it didn’t move. Something was blocking it from the inside.

  “Step back,” he commanded the others. Facing the door again, he yelled, “Bert, you better stand clear of the door. I’m coming in!”

  He stepped back and drew more energy into himself. Charging forward, he slammed his shoulder into the door, ripping it off the hinges as he pushed through. Something gave way on the other side and the door fell away, in pieces. The dryer. The bastard had shoved the dryer up against the door.

  At his feet sat a smoldering towel. It all became clear. Bert had lit the towel on fire, waited for the smoke detector to go off, then moved the dryer in front of the door. Of course, there was no Bert in the room, and the squeaky ass window stood wide open.

  Jim stepped past him and reached a long arm up to the smoke detector, silencing it.

  Outside, they could hear the Beast as it tore out of the driveway.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Kevin said, trembling with rage. He glanced at Neil, expecting an ally in anger, but Neil only laughed. “Well, we can’t say he isn’t resourceful.”

  “What now?” Jim asked.

  “What the hell was that noise?” asked Simon’s voice from Bert’s room. “Who the hell tied me up?”

  Kevin scowled and started toward Bert’s room. “Let’s see what Simon knows.”

  Chapter 41

  This will do, he thought, taking in the scenery around him. Bert stood in the center of a large meadow, miles from anything resembling civilization. Behind him was a sheer cliff face, rising a hundred feet or more. Like an amphitheater built by the Gods, the field was large enough it could’ve held a supermarket and a decent sized parking lot. The perimeter gave way to thick cedars, tall oaks, and dense forest. It was perfect.

  He took a deep breath, sucking in the clean air, closed his eyes, and fell into the moment. He loved being out in the wilderness. The crackling rasp of the leaves as the breeze picked up. The nearby chirp of squirrel foraging through brush. The occasional bird song. The sweet smell of nature. It was peaceful here.

  It was a peace that wouldn’t last. He opened his eyes and went back to the Beast, retrieving the crate. He didn’t have a shovel, so burying them wasn’t an option. The cover of fallen leaves would have to suffice.

  Sharp again pointed out the jassackedness of his plan, but in the end, he reluctantly helped determine the best locations for the explosives. Bert didn’t know how many the Brotherhood had used to level the buildings in the Underbelly, but he had twenty or more of the damn things to spread around. He just hoped his magic wouldn’t zap out the transmitters early.

  When he was done, he headed back to the Beast, but paused, taking one more moment to enjoy the wild serenity of the meadow. Yes, he thought, it was a good place to die.

  ***

  Jim took one for the team and called Falcon to let him know that Bert got away.

  Falcon said, “Oh boy, Farrah’s going to be pissed, you guys.”

  In the background, Jim heard Farrah ask, “What am I going to be pissed about?”

  “Nothing, dear,” Falcon replied. “How’d he get away?”

  Jim sighed and told him the truth.

  “That’s great,” Falcon said, laughing. Then in a more serious tone, “I mean, we’ll check with our contacts around town to find out if anyone’s seen him. If you hear anything let us know. We’ll do the same.”

  Jim agreed and hung up the phone.

  Simon sat on the couch, icing the back of his head. He didn’t look good, but Jim couldn’t tell if it was pain, or something else. He seemed nervous and a little bit afraid, like a mouse caught in a trap. Of course, it probably didn’t help that Neil, Kevin, and Hunter were silently staring at him. Simon had been a bit confused when he first woke up, and when he’d mentioned the head injury, they’d gotten ice, untied him, and helped him get to the couch. They would’ve untied Lilith too, but Kevin forbade it. After bonking him on the head and stealing his truck, his opinion was that she could stay tied up for a bit. Based on his tone and stompiness, neither Neil nor Jim argued.

  “So, Simon,” Neil said, smiling. “How have you been?”

  “I’ve been better,” he said, not returning the smile. “Do you guys have some Advil or something?”

  “Not until you explain why Bert had you tied up,” Kevin said, crossing his arms and glaring at their old friend. “He might be acting a bit crazy, but he wouldn’t have done that for no reason. Are you and Lilith running off together or something? Should I worry about you stealing my truck too?”

  “Uh, what?” Simon asked, turning toward Jim. “What’s he talking about? Where’s Bert?”

  “He’s not here,” Jim said. “Just tell us what’s going on, Simon.”

  Simon met his gaze, then looked at the other two. “Bert didn’t tell you guys?”

  “No,” Neil said, leaning forward and ensuring he had Simon’s attention. “But you’re going to.”

  “I don’t even know where to begin,” Simon said, sighing. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Just tell us,” Jim said, feeling his anxiety rise. “We think Bert is in trouble.”

  “All right,” Simon said, closing his eyes. “I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m a dead man either way, and you guys deserve to know the truth. I…” He paused, looking to the floor. “You’re right, Bert’s in trouble. And some of it’s my fault.”

  When he didn’t continue, Neil said, “Go on, Simon.”

  Simon nodded. “I’m part of a group of rogue wizards. We’re led by a powerful wizard named Nero. We live off the grid and avoid the Hand. For the most part, it’s always been a good group. Nero seemed like a good guy, but he demands absolute loyalty. Given the fact we’re outlaws, I never gave it much thought. Then we came here. I don’t know all the details, but basically, someone reached out to Nero and said there was a bounty out for something someone stole from a dark wizard. If we found it, and the thief, we’d be rewarded greatly. Seemed simple enough.”

  “And then?” Kevin asked.

  “Whoever contacted Nero recommended Bert’s name. They convinced him to threaten Bert into finding the object, that way we’d remain hidden. At first, he let me stay out of it. He sent one of our teams. They got the threat across, but not before Bert roughed all five of them up.”

  “That’s Bert,” Hunter said with an approving nod.

  “Tough asshole,” Simon said, shaking his head. “Nero wanted to make sure we got the point across, so he came himself to talk to Bert. I tripped his wards and lured him out to the creek.”

  “That was you,” Jim said. “Both times?”

  Simon nodded. “The first time I wasn’t supposed to. I just… I couldn’t help myself. I missed you guys.”

  “But the second time was business,” Kevin said, his gaze hard.

  “Right. Nero threatened Bert. Made me stand there while he did it. I guess he wanted to ensure my loyalty. Lot of fat good that does me now. If the Hand doesn’t kill me, he will. I’ve fucked up.”

  “Save feeling sorry for yourself until you’ve finished,” Neil said, grinning despite the anger in his eyes. “So, your boss threatened Bert. I guess the barbeque was business too?”

  Simon dropped his head into his han
ds. “Yes. Nero wanted me to let Bert know he was running out of time.” He paused, seeing the hurt and anger on their faces. “Guys, I’m sorry. I fucked up. I’ve never felt like a bigger piece of shit, and now Bert… I thought he’d come through. I thought he’d find the thief and we’d move on. I kept telling myself it’d be okay.”

  “But that’s not what happened,” Jim said. It wasn’t a question.

  Simon shook his head. “We were tracking the thief. We had a general area, around Beaver, but not a specific location, so we were spread out looking for any signs of magic. I saw what looked like a magical battle on top of the old observation tower. I was about to call in my team when I saw Bert’s Blazer. He was there…”

  Simon paused, forcing himself to look up at them. “We fought. It ended up in a stalemate, then… Something hit me from behind and I woke up here. I didn’t know… I didn’t know the rest until then.”

  “The rest?” Kevin asked. “There’s more to this fucked up fairy tale?”

  “A lot more,” Simon said. “Just before I got knocked out, Bert told me we weren’t the only ones after the thief. And, we weren’t the only ones who threatened him. He said several other factions approached him the same way. Said they’d kill him and everyone he cared about if he didn’t find the object.”

  “Who were they?” Hunter asked. “The were-creatures? They were after him the other night.”

  Everyone turned their gaze on Hunter and Jim asked, “What?”

  “The other day, before the Underbelly. I figured he told you… He was attacked by the were-dogs.”

  Simon nodded. “Maybe, I don’t know for sure, but he did say something about flea ridden were-doggies.”

  “What about the Brotherhood of the Magic Bane?” Neil asked.

  “That sounds, right too,” Simon said. “And vampires, a dark wizard, and something about clowns.”

  “Clowns,” Jim asked, sitting up straight. “What about clowns?”

  “I don’t know,” Simon said, putting up his hands defensively. “But there’s still more to the story…”

  “I don’t think I can take much more,” Kevin said. “My head already feels like it’s about to explode.”

  Simon looked at each of them slowly. “Lilith is the thief. She had the object. She’s the one we’re all after.”

  They sat in stunned silence, staring at one another, each trying to take it all in. Finally, Hunter said, “Look, I’m new to this whole supernatural thing, but… As a cop, I’ve got to say this all sounds too coincidental.”

  “Bert agrees,” Simon said. “He mentioned that too, right before I got knocked out. He didn’t tell any of you how he did that, did he?”

  “No,” Jim said. “He sure didn’t. He wasn’t keen on hanging around to talk to us.”

  “So, he’s still out there looking for her, then?” Simon said.

  Jim looked at the others, waiting for someone else to answer. When no one did, he said, “Lilith’s here, Simon. She’s passed out in Bert’s bed. Also tied up.”

  “So, then he has the object?” Simon said. “Did he take it to the Hand? Is he getting them to arrest me?”

  “He seemed pretty keen on avoiding the Hand,” Neil said. “We heard they intend to arrest him.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” Simon said. “He hasn’t done anything wrong as far as I know. Where would he go? It’s not like he can give the object to each of the different factions. It’d just piss off the other ones even more.”

  “Oh, shit,” Neil said, his eyes widening. “I think I know what he’s doing…”

  “What?” Jim asked, not following the logic.

  Neil stared at Simon. “You said they told him they’d kill everyone Bert cares about. Simon, that includes you. That includes us.”

  “Oh, shit,” Simon said, understanding on his face. “That was the last thing he said to me. Right before the lights went out. He asked me if I knew what he was going to do. He said he was going to save all of your asses.”

  “Oh, shit,” Jim said, realization dawning on him as well. “There’s only one thing he can do.”

  “Oh, shit,” Hunter said, picking up on the idea as well. “We need to find him, now.”

  “Somebody want to clue me in?” Kevin asked. “Wait… Nevermind. Got it… Oh, shit. He’s going to sacrifice himself, isn’t he?”

  Chapter 42

  The cave was the same it’d been the first time he’d visited. Dark, dank, and scary as hell. He knew it was a stupid idea, and in case he didn’t, Sharp assured him over and over. He ignored him. And he ignored the warning sirens going off in his head. He pushed back his desire to bolt and continued down the path. The one solid part of his plan was that if he died down here, his enemies would have a heck of a time trying to retrieve the object from his corpse. At the very least, they’d be in for a nasty surprise.

  As he entered the main chamber the grating sound of stone scraping stone echoed through the darkness and the ground trembled beneath his feet. The troll was approaching.

  Stone shot out of the darkness and enclosed him, wrapping around his body and lifting him from the ground like a soft-served wizard ice cream cone. The troll had him. There was no escaping now.

  The yellow eyes glared at him from the darkness and the hollow boom of its voice asked, “Why have you returned, little wizard?”

  Bert squirmed in its grip, trying to gain an inch to breath. “I just came to talk.”

  Apparently this was an amusing statement, because the troll laughed so hard Bert thought the cave was collapsing. “To talk, says the little wizard? Poor, foolish, squishy thing. You’ll not leave this cave alive!”

  “That’s okay,” Bert said, trying to sound indifferent. “Then I guess you’ll miss out on what I have to offer.”

  “Offer? What does a wee little wizard have to offer one such as I? I am the mountains, child. All you can offer me is the satisfying crunch of your bones. I enjoy the way they crackle between my teeth.”

  The grip tightened. Bert gritted his teeth, struggling to focus. “Fine, but you’ll spend the rest of your lonely days wondering what that wee little wizard was going to offer you.”

  The troll stared at him, eyes brimming with hatred. He seemed on the brink of rage, and Bert knew at any moment he’d squeeze. Or, maybe he’d pop Bert in his mouth like a Tic Tac. “Tell me of this offer, but speak quickly. I have little patience for your kind.”

  “For one night only,” Bert said, grinning, “I offer you the glory of battle. A fight against foes much more powerful than I. A taste of the good ole days, as you put it. How does that sound?”

  The troll was silent for a moment, simply staring at him. No emotion showed on its rocky features. Finally, when it spoke, much of the hostility had drained from its voice. “What is your name, little wizard?”

  “Waylon Drake. My friends call me Bert. What’s yours?”

  “My name is long past with the memories of my kin. Were I to speak it, your feeble human ears could not possibly understand. It is beyond you.”

  “Fair enough,” Bert said, nodding respectfully. “What if I just call you Ozark?”

  “Ozark? What does it mean?”

  “It’s what we call the mountains here... The Ozark Mountains. You said, ‘I am the mountains,’ so I will call you Ozark, because you are the mountains.”

  The troll laughed. “Yes, Waylon Drake Bert. You may call me Ozark.”

  “So,” Bert asked, hesitantly. “Are you going to kill me now or do you want to hear more about this offer?”

  “Let me hear more,” Ozark said, grinning in the darkness. “I do like to rock and roll, as you say.”

  ***

  Neil watched as Kevin stomped from one side of the living room and back to the other. Simon was dozing on the couch, but his face wasn’t as pale. He was healing quickly. Hunter was cleaning his guns. Jim was communicating with Robert via magic. They’d decided it was time to bring him into the conversation. Meanwhile, Neil was getting
bored, and in his boredom, he thought too much. Particularly about how’d he’d blown up on Bert, when it turned out Bert really was trying to protect them. In fact, he was planning on getting himself killed to protect his friends. What an asshole.

  Kevin turned and bolted out the door.

  Before Neil could question why, Robert appeared in the living room. He didn’t look happy. There was an awful lot of that going around presently.

  As Robert was saying hello, Kevin stormed back into the house and said, “They’re gone.”

  “What’s gone?” Jim asked.

  “The explosives,” Kevin said. “The crate we brought back from the Underbelly. It’s gone!”

  “Explosives?” Robert asked, scowling. “Bert has explosives? How many?”

  “A full crate,” Kevin said, shrugging. “I don’t know how powerful they are. I was going to research them. We couldn’t leave them in the Underbelly. Figured they’d be safer here.”

  Robert shook his head. “Bert is the last person on Earth who should have explosives to play with. Does he know how they work? The safe range? Is there a manual with them?”

  “Doubtful on all counts,” Kevin said, shaking his head. “But I imagine he’s clever enough to figure out how to make them go boom.”

  “Jim filled me in,” Robert said. “I think we’re looking at this all wrong. We can’t focus on what he’s planning to do. I think that’s pretty clear. What we need to figure out is where he’s going to do it. And we need to figure it out quick.”

  “Some place safe from civilians,” Neil said, following Robert’s logic. “And some place he can try to get them all at once. If I know Bert, he’s taking the ‘Why Waltz when you can Rock ‘N’ Roll’ approach. He wants to take out as many of his enemies as he can.”

  “A place without civilians,” Jim echoed. “Some place discreet, where no one would think to look.”

  “Hell,” Kevin said, throwing up his hands. “Around here that could be just about anywhere.”