Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  They all stared at each other in silence.

  “I think I might know,” Hunter said, his eyes widening. He glanced around at each of them and said, “Remember when Bert used to throw parties back in the day? That spot out in the woods his family owned outside of Eureka? It was like an old deer lease or something. There weren’t any houses out there for miles. No people. No one to complain about the loud music, or bust us for underage drinking.”

  “You’re right,” Kevin said. “We used to camp out there and never saw anyone.”

  “Are you sure?” Robert asked.

  “It makes sense,” Neil said. “In fact, it’s the perfect spot. That has to be it.”

  “Okay, then we don’t have much time,” Robert said. “I’ll go speak with Carter.”

  Neil looked up at him, both surprised and horrified by the statement. He was glad to see the others held the same expressions. “Uh, why?”

  “Because there’re dark wizards involved,” Robert said, crossing his arms. “We can’t possibly hope to save him on our own. I hate to say it, but we need Carter. He can call in a goddamned wizard army. Any of you have a wizard army handy?”

  “He’s after Bert,” Jim said. “Falcon and Farrah said he intends to arrest him.”

  “Perfect,” Robert said, shrugging. “If Carter can arrest him in time, then he’ll be in the custody of the Hand. No one will try to kill him then.”

  “While I follow your logic,” Neil said, “I can’t help but think getting Bert arrested isn’t the best option.”

  “Maybe not,” Robert agreed. “But we don’t even know why Carter wants to arrest him. Hopefully it’s something minor. I still think it’s our best option.”

  Neil nodded. Even if they could get Bert to safety before he got himself killed, Carter would arrest him anyway. There was no avoiding it. So, why not just do it now? Robert was right. In the Hand’s custody, he’d be safe. Hell, they all would be. Maybe they should all break a minor law.

  “I need to run to my house real quick,” Hunter said. “Can someone take me?”

  Kevin agreed and they moved toward the door.

  Without uttering a goodbye, Robert disappeared.

  Neil sighed. He really didn’t want to be involved.

  ***

  Bert sat on the shoulder of a dirt road, munching away on a gas station burrito. He couldn’t risk going back to Eureka Springs, and he sure as hell couldn’t go home. So, he’d caught a power nap in the Beast and ran to podunk gas station for a snack.

  It occurred to him that it might be easier just to roll into Carter’s office and let the bastard arrest him. But if he did, then his friends wouldn’t be safe. And his enemies wouldn’t give up the search for the thorns. Even the plan he had in place wouldn’t guarantee there’d be no retribution against his loved ones, but what use was there in following through with a threat when the person you intended to hurt was already dead? No, he couldn’t see any of them risking the exposure by killing his friends once he was dead. It’d be pointless. This was his best chance to save them. It was the only plan that made sense.

  He took a bite of his burrito, trying not to wonder at its age. The outside was crusty and the innards were lukewarm. It wasn’t the best last meal he could’ve hoped for.

  He sighed and tried to call out to Uncle Tony again. Nothing.

  Whatever had happened to his mentor, he’d die not knowing. That bothered him. It bothered him a lot. But it couldn’t be helped. He just wished he could speak to him for a moment. Just to know that he was all right. Just to pick his brain. He’d know how to handle this situation. He always did.

  This was it, then. Time to put things in motion. He choked down another bite of burrito and pulled a cheap cell phone out of his glove box. But before he started dialing, he paused, knowing there was another call he needed to make. He punched in the number and waited for it to ring. When she answered, he said, “Hey, mom.”

  There was a hint of cynicism from the voice on the other end. “Is this my long-lost son?”

  “It is,” he said, chuckling. “Hi.”

  “And there I thought you’d forgotten about me.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve just been busy.”

  “Your brother still finds time to call me and he’s running a whole company. You don’t even have a full time job, how are you so busy? Neil calls me more than you do. That’s why he’s my favorite.”

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated, then paused. “Wait, Neil calls you more than I do?”

  “Well, maybe not more,” she said. “But just as often. And he answers when I call him.”

  “Neil’s a kiss ass,” Bert replied. “Wait, are you harassing my friends again?”

  “Only when you don’t call me. And I can call my surrogate son anytime I want.”

  “Fine,” he said. “Look, this isn’t why I called…”

  “What’s wrong, Waylon?” she asked, her tone changing immediately. She always knew when something was wrong. There was no hiding it.

  “I just wanted to call and tell you I love you,” he said. “Just wanted to hear your voice. That’s all.”

  “It sounds like something’s wrong,” she said. “You know you can tell me anything.”

  “It’s… It’s nothing, mom. I’m fine.”

  She paused for a moment, then said, “I won’t pry, but just know, it’ll be all right. Whatever it is. I know how I raised you, and I know you have a big heart. You always do the right thing. I’m very proud of you, Waylon.”

  “Thanks, mom,” he said. “Look, I need to get off of here…”

  “Okay, but call me soon.”

  “I will,” he said, then grinned. “Or I’ll just have Neil call. We all know he’s your favorite son.”

  “Whatever,” she said, scowling through the phone. “I love you, son.”

  “Love you too,” Bert said, then hung up the phone, feeling a little better about his impending doom. At least Farrah wouldn’t chase him down in the afterlife to tell him to call his mother.

  Now it was time to move the plan forward. He reached into his pocket and produced the first number.

  After a few rings, a voice picked up and said, “Hello.”

  “Put Howard on the phone.”

  “Who the fuck is this?”

  “A very grumpy wizard,” Bert replied in a cheery tone. “One who likes to turn annoying dogs into toads. Put Howard on the phone before I decide to make this a house call.”

  The was no reply, but a moment later, Howard’s voice said, “Waylon Drake. I’m hoping this is good news.”

  “Very clichéd, Howard,” he replied. “Listen, I don’t have much time. I need you to meet me at—”

  “Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not going to meet on your terms. If you have the object, then—”

  “Howard,” Bert said, speaking over him. “Two things. First, yes, I do think you’re stupid. Second, if you want this goddamned thing, then you’ll meet on my terms. I can’t bring it to you and I’m under a bit of pressure.”

  He was silent for a moment, but finally said, “Fine, but this had better be on the level.”

  “Bring your whole pack of mutts if it makes you feel better. Just meet where I say, at exactly when I say, so I can give you this godforsaken thing before someone kills me and takes it. Deal?”

  “Okay. When and where?”

  Bert decided the old saying about being able to ‘hear a smile’ over the phone was a crock. Because if Howard could’ve see the grin on his face, he’d never have agreed. “You need to make sure you’re there right on time. Not a moment early. Not a moment late. Got it?”

  “Just give me the goddamned time and place!”

  Bert did, and Howard threatened him a few more times, but still agreed to meet at the time and place Bert specified. He hung up and punched in the next number.

  Again, an unfamiliar voice answered, and Bert said, “This is Waylon Drake.”

  “Hey, it’s the guy,” the man sa
id in a shitty wannabe mobster voice. Then a voice he did recognize came on the phone.

  “Waylon Drake, I knew you’d come through. What do you got for me, kid?”

  “Listen I don’t have a lot of time. If you want the object you’re going to have to meet me at a certain location, at exactly the time I tell you…”

  One by one, he called each of them. The Brotherhood. Nero and his dipshits. Dasfarus. Oddly, a sweet elderly lady answered for Dasfarus. It was strange, but it was by far the easiest, because he just relayed his instructions and she claimed to be writing them down. He called each of the factions, and it was the same each time. They were each reluctant, but would inevitably come to agree to his terms.

  Finally, he came down to the last number. Ding Dong and his clowns. He really didn’t want to call them. Of all the assholes stacked up against him, they were by far the worst. Not only were they creepy as hell, but their power was off the charts. And they liked to eat children.

  Of course, Ding Dong and his group were weakest among the clowns, but that wasn’t saying much considering the one on the tower bopped his tooter like it was nothing.

  Well, he thought as he stared at the number, it wouldn’t be a party if I didn’t invite the clowns. He choked down the last bite of his burrito and punched in the number.

  Chapter 43

  It’d been a few years since Robert had set foot in the Hand of Magic office. It hadn’t changed a bit. No surprise there. Carter wasn’t big on change. Grumpy old ass.

  He ignored the surprised stares and whispers of the surrounding wizards, and headed straight for Carter’s office. He didn’t bother knocking on his way in.

  Carter wasn’t alone. There was a woman with him Robert didn’t recognize. She appeared to be in her mid-fifties, but looks could be deceiving when it came to the age of a wizard. And there was no doubt that was what she was. Power radiated from her tall and hefty frame.

  Both of them turned toward him and he said, “Carter, we have to find Waylon.”

  “Robert,” Carter said, the name spewing from his mouth like it was laced in venom. “This is a surprise.”

  “Nice to see you, too,” Robert replied. “We don’t have time for pleasantries. We need to find Waylon.”

  “We were just discussing him,” Carter said, leaning back in his chair. “Robert, this is our Regional Wizard Commander. She’s quite interested in visiting with him.”

  Robert felt a flicker of panic but didn’t let it show. A Regional Wizard Commander was serious business. If he was telling the truth, this woman oversaw all the wizards in multiple states. All the times he’d pissed off Carter, he’d never interacted with someone at that level. Bert was in serious shit.

  “Yes, I understand your friend has stirred up some trouble,” she said, measuring him with a hard gaze. “There seem to be a number of unfriendly entities in your little neck of the woods, and your friend appears to be right in the middle of it. I intend to take him into custody.”

  “Then we’d better go get him,” Robert said. He thought about playing it cool, but he wasn’t a member of the Hand anymore, and there wasn’t a law that prohibited sarcasm. “It’ll be hard to arrest him if he’s dead.”

  Carter shrugged. “Why should the Hand waste resources to protect him?”

  “Well, for starters, because it’s your fucking job.”

  “As I see it,” Carter said, pausing to lean forward, “Waylon has proven himself to be a brigand working outside the law. He needs to be brought to justice.”

  “Based on what?” Robert asked. “What has he done?”

  “It’s not your concern, Robert,” he said, smiling. “You aren’t a member of my team.”

  “Do you hear yourself?” Robert asked, trying to hold his temper. “Listen, Carter, I know you don’t like me, and I know you don’t like Waylon, but are you seriously prepared to ignore your duty and let him die?”

  “Don’t speak to me about duty, Robert.” Carter leaned forward, his face reddening. Apparently the ‘duty’ comment had set him off. Good. Carter pointed a long boney finger at Robert and said, “You don’t know the first thing about duty. You’re the one who walked away. And as for your friend, he’s gone out of his way to hide information from me. As far as I’m concerned, he’s gone rogue. Just another dark wizard that needs to be put down. I won’t risk my people to help him.”

  Robert took a step forward and slammed his hands down on Carter’s desk. “The only dark wizard I see is you, Carter. You’re the one who’s abused his position. You’re the one who’s refusing to do his job.”

  Carter rose from his desk, trembling with fury. “How dare you accuse me of dark sorcery! You’ve crossed the line. Don’t think I won’t have you arrested right along with your idiot friend.”

  “Arrest me, then,” Robert said, laughing. “But then go do your fucking job and help Waylon.”

  “That’s enough,” the Regional Wizard Commander said, reminding them she was still present. “Save your staff measuring contest for another time, gentlemen.” She turned her gaze on Carter. “I’m the ranking officer here. I’ll be the one who decides how the Hand’s resources are used.” She turned toward Robert. “If you know something about this business your friend is involved in, now is the time to speak. I have little patience for nonsense and if you choose to withhold pertinent information, your fate will be that of your friend’s.”

  “My apologies,” Robert said with a sigh. He took a breath to steady himself and said, “All I know is that several different entities approached Bert and threatened him. Each wanted the same thing. They wanted him to find a magical object and the thief who’d stolen it. Each also told him they’d kill him and everyone he cares about if he didn’t come through. I don’t know where the Hand comes into play, but he told his friends he was working on your behalf.”

  “Wait,” she said, holding up her hand. “You mean to tell me that all these different entities, as you put it, individually approached him wanting the exact same thing, and threatened him the exact same way?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Robert replied. “That’s the story. I didn’t get it from Waylon firsthand.”

  “I find this a little hard to believe. Who are these entities?”

  Robert shrugged. “I don’t know for sure. Sounds like the Brotherhood of the Magic Bane, some dark wizards, vampires, the local were-dogs, maybe. Not sure beyond that.”

  “And do you know where Mr. Drake is now?”

  “We don’t know for sure,” Robert admitted. “We think—”

  She put up her hand to stop him again, and said, “Who is the ‘we’ you are referring to?”

  “His friends. They pieced it together and reached out to me for help.”

  “And why didn’t they come to us?” she asked, raising a speculative eyebrow. “That’s why the Hand exists.”

  Robert nodded toward Carter, shrugged, and said, “Probably because Mr. Fire and Brimstone is always a dickhead. He treats them like they’re barely a step up from dark wizards. And frankly, the Hand isn’t known for mercy. Most people just fear you. They sure as hell don’t think to run to you for help.”

  “I didn’t ask for a public relations lecture,” she said, her eyes hardening. “So, did your friend recover this magical object?”

  Robert nodded. “Looks that way.”

  “And do you know what he’s planning to do?”

  “I believe he intends to fight.”

  “What? All of them?” Carter asked, chuckling. “Now that’s a load of crap. He wouldn’t stand a chance. If it’s half as serious as you indicate, how the hell does he think he can take them on by himself and survive?”

  “He doesn’t,” Robert said through gritted teeth. “I believe he means to die.”

  “Why would he do that?” Carter asked, bewilderment stretched across his features.

  “To protect his friends,” Robert said, meeting Carter’s gaze. “He’s not the coward you make him out to be.”

  The Regional
gave him a thoughtful look and asked, “We have reason to believe someone in the Hand may have assigned him a task. Do you know who that might’ve been? Or what the task was?”

  “No,” Robert said, shaking his head. If not Carter, who was Bert working for? “He showed me the mission aura, though, so I know it to be true. I assumed it was Carter.”

  “It wasn’t me,” Carter said. “He showed me the same aura, but he wouldn’t tell me anything about it.”

  “And whoever assigned it outranked you?” Robert asked, looking between them in surprise.

  “It hasn’t been tested against mine,” the Regional assured him. “I’m not sure how familiar you are with our chain of command, but there are a number of levels between Carter and me. However, I’ve checked with most of them and none seem aware of the little circus we have in town. Which means it likely came from someone in another division. A Special Projects team, or the Military, or some other branch. I don’t appreciate other groups operating in my territory without proper communication.”

  “I can’t help you there,” Robert said, shrugging. Again, he wondered who the hell Bert was working for. He’d scolded him when he thought he was working for Carter. This was much worse.

  “Unless your friend somehow generated a counterfeit mission aura,” she said, her calculating gaze meeting his. “If he did, that’s a very serious violation.”

  “Understood,” Robert replied, grinning. “So, let’s go find him, then you can arrest him.”

  “I thought you said you didn't know where he was?” Carter asked.

  “I don't know for sure, but we have an idea where he might be. And that’s where you’ll find the dark forces who’ve gathered against him as well. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, but you may want to call in reinforcements. Surely, you could at least call in some local wizards.”

  The Regional Wizard Commander sighed. “If what you’re saying is true, this could be the largest gathering of lawbreaking supernatural beings in on place in the United States in… Gods, I don’t know how long.” She paused as her scowl hardened. “I really don’t like that it’s happening in my region.”