Finding Me (Pack Bardot Book 2)

by M. K. Harper

  I shove the last bit of my sandwich in my mouth as Caulder comes in, dropping a plate in the sink. He’s taken it upon himself to make sure Linny has everything she could possibly need. I’d dare say the pup is smothering her. When he sees me standing there, he freezes. We’ve been doing this avoidance dance for days. He clearly hasn’t let go of that anger he has for me. I start to leave, not able to weather the brunt of another person’s blame today.

  “Uncle D?” Caulder’s timid voice slows me to a stop. I turn to face him, bracing myself for the verbal ass whooping.

  “Yeah, buddy?”

  “I...I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I just needed her back and I was so scared. I’m sorry.” I scoop him up, unable to take a second more of his broken apology.

  “It’s okay, little man. I know.” I hold him to me, absorbing all that sweetness I haven’t gotten to love on in what feels like forever.

  “You’re squishing me, you buffoon,” Caulder grumbles against my chest. “Show some restraint, dude.” I laugh, a full, whole bodied laugh; the first one in ages. I squeeze him tighter, just for the hell of it, loving his little grunt. Digging my fingers into his sides, I bask in that laugh that echoes throughout the kitchen.

  “Say Uncle!” I demand, trying to keep my hold on him as he flops around like a damn fish.

  “Uncle!” Caulder yells out between fits of laughter.

  “Only one Uncle? Good lord, you’ve gone soft.” He glares at me, crossing his arms as I continue to hold him up.

  “I ain’t soft. I’m vicious.” He snaps his teeth at me, a baby growl working its way up his throat. I widen my eyes, nodding along, then kiss his forehead before lowering him to the ground.

  “Keep an eye on our girl, okay?”

  “Duh,” Caulder rolls his eyes. “See ya later, shit for brains.” And he’s gone. From somewhere, a faint ‘swear jar!’ can be heard. I’m not surprised that Ma somehow heard him from wherever she’s at in the house. That kid is getting firsthand experience at what my childhood was like. You can’t get a thing past that woman; it’s best he learns that early on. I head outside, trying to keep busy so that I can maintain this distance between Linny and I. Knowing she’s just a few feet away makes me wanna go all caveman. I want my mark on her neck, my scent imbedded so deeply in her skin that I can’t tell the difference between her and I. I can only imagine how well that would go over. If I want any chance of that ever happening, I need to respect the space she’s put between us and pray like fuck she finds her way back to me.

  I see Chevy off to the side of the house, him and Finn laid back on the grass together. I’m thankful he’s had someone other than Grace to lean on. As great as she is, Chev needs that sort of relationship you can only get from a lover. That all-consuming, heart stopping rush. The center of someone else’s world. I can’t speak on how same sex mate bonds work, but I definitely send up a prayer to whoever might be listening that Chev and Finn could be that other half to each other. Moving along, I head towards the chapel, knowing that’s where I’ll find Pop. Bray, Lex and Liam are all there with him when I push through the door. Their voices are hushed, trying to prevent any lurkers that might be outside from overhearing their conversation.

  “What’s going on?” I pull out a chair and take a seat beside Pop, adjusting my voice as well. We’re three days out from the full moon, which means we’re nearly at the peak of our heightened senses. It’d be easy to pick up anything more than a whisper.

  “I’ve been keeping a close eye on Barron. They’ve got moving boxes lined against their living room wall. All packed up to go at a moment’s notice. I think they’re expecting something to happen, so they have their exit plan in place,” Bray fills me in. I look at Pop, that same betrayal I’m feeling reflected back at me.

  “We planned for this. We all knew it was a possibility that he was behind Linny’s kidnapping, to some extent. This might not be the hard evidence we hoped for, but it’s a confirmation of our suspicions no less.” I meet the eyes of everyone around me, the only people Pop and I have had no qualms about confiding in concerning our thoughts on the McGinty’s. Those traitors aren’t wolves, they’re goddamned snakes.

  “We keep this quiet. Like Dax said, we planned for this, knowing there was a good possibility that anything we’ve been discussing has been fed right back to Pack Ames. We out him tomorrow, after the burial ceremony. Until then, mum’s the word.” Pop raps his knuckles on the wooden table before getting to his feet, dismissing our clandestine meeting. I follow him out, the two of us headed back home as the other three break off in their own directions. Our walk back is silent, the mood somber. It’s a big ass horse pill to swallow, knowing your own pack member, much less an entire family, has betrayed you.

  Ma’s waiting for us, ice cold beers in her hand, as soon as we walk in. I swear the woman has a sixth sense when it comes to this sort of thing. I’ve downed half of mine by the time my ass meets the couch. Pop takes his but keeps on walking.

  “Where you going?” I holler out, watching him disappear down the hallway.

  “To talk to my girl.”

  Ah, hell.

  Chapter 11

  Linden

  I’ve counted every glow-in-the-dark star Dax has glued to his ceiling. There’s sixty-nine of them. Such a typical guy. He might’ve been holding out for me, but the boy’s mind has been in the gutter for years. Caulder has practically force fed me enough food over the past few days that I’ve managed to put some weight back on. The cut on my hand looks better every day and the washed-out tone of my skin is gaining back some color. For all appearances, I’m well on my way to recovery. But it’s the wounds that aren’t visible that are doing me in. My head and heart are still at war with each other. Logically, I know I took Christian’s life because there wasn’t any other alternative. And every time my Little Tyrant flashes me that dimpled smile, I know that there wouldn’t have been a cost too high for me to pay, as long as it got me more time with him.

  So here I sit. Held prisoner by my guilt because logic has taken a vacation to some deserted island on the farthest corner of the earth. I hope the ho is enjoying a Mai Thai. I miss Dax, the feel of him, his voice. I miss everyone, but mostly, I miss me. That blissed out, perfectly normal girl I only got the pleasure of becoming for a couple of weeks. Mom and Chevy have been in and out, trying to be there for me without actually forcing their way in. I know I’m hurting them by keeping them at arm’s length, but I’ve needed this time to make peace with everything. To try and find a way to forgive myself. A quick knock sounds at the door, followed by Carder’s deep voice.

  “Itty Bitty? Hope you’re decent, cause I’m comin’ in.” My throat tightens up. I’m so ashamed that I haven’t gone to him sooner, if for nothing more than to wrap my arms around him just because I can. Because he’s alive. He pushes through the door, shutting it right in Dax’s alarmed face.

  “Papa Wolf,” I reply, feeling so off kilter. He and I have such an easy relationship, but right now, everything feels hard. Carder takes a seat beside me on the bed, so I sit up also. Those kind eyes of his see way too much. I can feel my lip start to tremble right as he opens his arms for me. I practically dive into his lap, those massive arms of his wrapping around me. I can see why Caulder calls him Bear. I have a whole breakdown, snot included, all while Carder gently rubs my back and urges me to let it all out. I don’t know how long we stay that way, him offering all the fatherly comfort I’ve lacked for years before he finally breaks the silence.

  “I’m sorry you had to go through this, Itty Bitty. I won’t sit here and tell you that everything happens for a reason, because there ain’t no justifying what they’ve done. Maybe one day you’ll be able to look back on this time and find a purpose in it all, but for now, it’s okay that you ain’t okay.” I hug him tighter, those words meaning more than he’ll ever know.

  “What happened to Allana?” I mumble against him, my words barely audible.

  “What do you mean?” he ask
s. I pull back to look at him, trying to gauge how much he actually knows.

  “She was in on it. Her and Christian. The two of them would come see me, taunting me with lies. She made me think you were dead, then made me think that you guys thought I was dead so no one was looking for me. Basically, she fucked my head every which a way.” I wave my hand around, indicating the scrambled state of my brain. Carder’s eyebrows have barely had the time to draw together when the door flies open.

  “The fuck you say?!” Dax’s enraged body fills the empty space, causing Carder and I to both jump. I slide off his lap, trying to catch the breath Dax just scared right out of me.

  “Good God, son. You just been out there with ya ear pressed to the door like some gossip starved teenage girl?” He looks embarrassed by his father’s accusation for all of a millisecond, then that chin tilts and those arms cross. He cocks an eyebrow, as if to say ‘yeah, so?’. I’m too focused on those lick-able tattoos that paint his arms to catch anything the two of them are saying. When I finally snap out of my downright filthy daydream, they’re both quiet. A quick look at Carder tells me I’ve been caught red-handed with my ogling, and Dax is doing that nervous shuffle, like he thinks he might be in trouble for eavesdropping.

  “Still breakin’ her, boy. Don’t count yourself out of the game just yet.” Carder laughs, leaning down to give me a kiss on the head after he stands to leave. He slaps Dax on the back on the way out. And then it’s just the two of us, surrounded by a thick cloud of awkward. I open my mouth, close it. He mimics those same motions, and then, praise be! Chevy, in all his fabulous glory, barrels into the room, a pan of something being tossed from one hand to the other.

  “Ow! Fuck me, that’s hotter than Satan’s ass crack.” He throws the dish on the bed, shaking out his hands while doing some weird wiggle.

  “Um...they do make oven mitts.” I state, earning me a glare.

  “I’m sorry, that didn’t sound anything close to ‘Thank you, Chevy. You’re a saint for slaving away all day so that I could binge on brownies while we watch White Chicks.’ Try again, you ungrateful tart.” Chev uses the back of his hand to dramatically wipe away some imaginary sweat. I shake my head at him, a smile doing its best to break free. When I look back to the doorway, Dax is long gone. I have to rub at my chest to ease the ache of his absence. Chevy flops down beside me, pulling his laptop with him.

  “White Chicks, huh?” I watch as he powers up the computer and loads the movie.

  “Yep. I think we could use a lesson on writing letters. I mean, I’m hella disappointed with this recent turn of events. I’d like a refund, please.” I laugh. Only Chevy could poke fun at a situation like this and it not come across as insensitive.

  “And who, exactly, are we sending these letters to? Would the supervisor be God? Because hate to break it to ya, I plead my case days ago.” Chevy shrugs.

  “The owner of your voodoo doll?” he deadpans. A beat of silence follows before we both peel over. I laugh so hard I think I might piss myself. Fuck it feels good to feel something other than self-loathing. Once we calm down, I settle against him, my head resting against his shoulder. I lace our hands together, taking the comfort he’s happy to give. A few minutes in, I snatch up a brownie, moaning around the gooey chocolate.

  “I’ve taught you well,” I shove the rest in my mouth before going back for seconds. Chevy smiles slyly, turning back to the movie. By the time it’s over, I’m going in for brownie number four, inhaling the delicious morsel in one bite. Chev’s eyes widen, his facial expression ping-ponging between excitement and concern. Before I can question it, Caulder comes bouncing in the room.

  “Oooh, brownies!” He hops on the bed, going for the half-eaten pan.

  “Nope!” Chevy yanks it way just before Caulder can grab one. “These are, um...adult brownies, Mini Dax.” My Little Tyrant pins him with that glare he’s mastered.

  “We share the fruits of our labor in this house, Chevrolet.” Caulder slides off the bed and plants his tiny fists on his hips, his foot starting to tap. I snort, knowing good and well those words came straight from Beatrix.

  “I was named after the actor, not the truck,” my best friend snaps back. I move in to play mediator between the two children, but as soon as I’m upright, I start to sway a bit. A lightness starts to spread throughout each of my limbs. I lift my arm, waving it around like an overcooked noodle before letting it flop back down. What kind of sorcery is this? I turn to Chevy and slap my hands against his cheeks, smooshing them together.

  “What have you done?” Chevy gets that deer in the headlights look, but I feel light as a feather. Like a bird, ready to spread its wings and fly away.

  “Uh...I may have laced the brownies with a teeny, tiny bit of THC.” That’s my best friend, folks. Always looking out. I slow clap, bra-fucking-o to you, sir.

  “You brilliant boy.” I smack a kiss against his lips, causing him to gag. But I’m already twirling around, skipping down the hallway. My mind is intact, but all those pesky memories that have been burdening me are temporarily locked away. I’m gonna ride out every second of this high like a boxed dyed blonde in a denim mini skirt on a mechanical bull. Somewhere behind me I can her LT scolding Chevy, but oh well. Things to do, places to be.

  “You’re supposed to say no to drugs, Chevrolet. No wonder you were named after a truck, you’re IQ is probably equivalent to a heap of metal. Will you look at her! She’s flapping her arms around like some t-Rex, tweety bird hybrid. Do you see what you’ve turned my soulmate into? I hope you’re happy with yourself, young man.”

  Chapter 12

  Daxton

  I leave Linny with Chevy, my body stuck somewhere between thoroughly turned on and fucking livid. I think she may have been the one to break me this time. Any time her eyes rake over my body, it’s like a caress. I can almost feel her fingers tracing every spot she studies. It’s safe to say I needed to get my horny ass out of that room before my wolf took complete control. I follow Pop out the back door, easily picking up where we went. He’s already got Bray on the phone when I reach him on the back deck.

  “We have solid confirmation.” I can hear the anger in his voice. I think I’ve only ever had that level of pissed off directed at me once or twice. The most memorable being that one time I thought it’d be cool to javelin throw a shovel. Only when I spun around to build up some speed, I ended up smacking one of the Camden boys right in the head with it. He was out cold for hours. Funny now, terrifying back then.

  “Good. No ground for them to stand on,” Bray replies, his words carrying through phone. Damn right. The McGinty’s are done here. After tomorrow, they won’t have a place at our table. No home, no pack. I’d love to hurt them the way they have Linny, but that’s the difference between us and them. We know when enough is enough. Pop hangs up, his hand tightening around his phone so hard I’m worried he might break it. We share a loaded look. Those people ate dinner with us, have been welcomed into our home. Lana and I, for the most part, grew up together. To know someone you’ve trusted could turn their back on you so easily is nauseating. Caulder’s stern voice drifts out to us from inside the house. When he gets real worked up over something, his pitch jumps a couple notches, coming out shrill and flinch worthy. I’m usually the recipient of those lectures, so considering I’m outside, I’m interested to see who’s earned the little shit’s wrath this time.

  Our curiosity piqued, Pop and I both head inside. I don’t know what the hell I was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t a guilty looking Chevy hunched over on the couch with Caulder reading him the riot act. Grace and Ma are present, both leaned against the wall, fighting back grins.

  “What the hell is going on?” I ask. Everyone looks expectantly at Chevy. After several seconds, he finally musters up the courage to answer.

  “I fed Lin pot brownies.” And like his words called have her, my girl comes around the corner from the kitchen, a bag of Doritos shoved under one arm, while the other flaps around like it’s h
aving its own personal seizure.

  “Ca-caw!” Linny screeches. Around and around she goes, crowing at each of us. And then she gets to me. “Ca-motherfrickin-caw.” Her half-chewed chip sprays all over me as she tries to talk around it. I carefully reach up and wipe away the regurgitated food. The movement seems to entrance her. Jesus Christ.

  “Do you see her?” Caulder yells at Chevy. “Do you see her?!” And there his voice goes, straight into the glass breaking decibel.

  “Oh, calm down. She needed to get high just as much as you need a Xanax. If you keep this up Little Dax, you’ll give yourself high blood pressure by the time you hit puberty.” Caulder’s face turns a startling shade of red. He growls, ramping up to launch himself at Chevy, just as Ma wraps her arm around him and starts to carry him away. He’s so mad, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did trigger an early shift.

  “My wolf is going to rip you apart. Split you open and eat your innards. We’ll feast on your organs until there’s nothing left but a carcass. For dessert, I shall savor your toes!” Chev pales.

  “Fuckin’ hell. Who let him read Stephen King again?” That kid. He’s gonna give us all aneurysms. Linny, finally coming back around, seems to only now realize that it’s me she’s standing in front of.

  “Hellooo Loverrrr,” her hand reaches up to touch my face, in what I assume she thinks is a sexually charged gesture. It’s more of a sticky slap. I don’t even want to know how they got sticky to begin with. “Dance with me?” She breathes right in my face. I don’t know what she’s shoveled in there during her munchies phase, but it smells like ass. I quickly slip out a piece of gum from my back pocket as she hangs her arms around my neck.

  “Open up, baby.” Linny parts her lips and I pop in the much needed piece of spearmint. “Much better, hm?” She nods, relaxing against me. My body is lighting up like a goddamn Christmas tree from every brush of her skin. Pop laughs, clearly taking joy in my pain. The first contact my mate has initiated in days, and she’s high as a damn kite. They all take a seat, watching the show as Chevy turns some music on using his phone. I spin my girl around, literally, to the sound of John Mayer. Linny couldn’t hold her hand up at this point, much less her entire body. I eat up every second of having her so close. I memorize the few freckles that dot her nose and the arch of her eyebrows. As the song comes to an end, her head bobbles back, causing everyone to snicker.