All My Truths & One Lie

by Fabiola Francisco

  “Are you ready to leave tomorrow?” Matthias glances at me as we walk back to the car.

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you sure? Would you like to live here someday?” He tilts his head, his hand holding me from continuing my feet from moving forward. I halt and look at him with furrowed brows.

  I shake my head. “No. Not anytime soon at least. I can’t say what I’ll feel in the future, but right now I belong in England. It’s my home.”

  “Would you run away without me?” His usually soft features are tense.

  “No more running.”

  “But would you?” His vulnerability shows as he runs his free hand through his waves.

  “I’d stay where you are. Life wouldn’t be an adventure without you.”

  “Some days I feel like you’ll expand to the point where you’ll need something greater than I can offer you.” I smooth his eyebrows with my thumbs until the skin around his eyes relaxes.

  “All I’ve ever searched for, even when I rejected the idea of it, was you.” I cup his face. “You taught me that not everyone leaves. It was silly of me to think that I’d have everything figured out by the time I met you. I’d be in this ‘perfect’ place in my life that we would fall into step seamlessly and love fiercely without pain. Meeting you was humbling. It proved to me that my healing process is lifelong, in different phases, but I don’t need to be perfect for you. I don’t need to be perfect for anyone. Perfection is an illusion we hide behind, so others don’t see our flaws. My flaws are printed on my skin, and I decided some time ago it wasn’t my job to hide them. I’d never be able to help others heal if I covered my scars.

  “You know what I love most? That you don’t hide yours anymore either. You not only embrace my imperfections because you love me, but you also embrace yours because you love yourself. So no, I’ll never run. You have everything and more to offer than you can even imagine. We’re constantly changing, like the phases of the moon, so we expand together.” I raise on my toes and touch my lips to his.

  Matthias’s hands instantly go to my waist, holding me to him, as my hands slip from his face to the back of his neck. My fingers tangle in the curls on the back of his head as my tongue seeks his. My body hums and tingles at the feel of his mouth on mine and his hands squeezing my sides. Heart racing, the feeling of kissing Matthias carries me away as if I were weightless. The intimacy of our contact sneaks into my bones and vibrates in my cells. With eyes closed, I feel dizzy, as if I’m spinning with him, our bodies twirling to the rhythm of our kiss.

  Matthias slows our movements, kissing me twice straight on the lips before moving his head a few inches away. “Marry me.”

  My racing heart stops on cue. My breath gets trapped in my lungs. My head spins faster than when we were kissing. “What?” I blink a few times and stare at his eyes, searching for something more than the two words he just spoke.

  “Marry me.” There’s no mistake in what he said. His eyes are smiling despite his teeth biting his lips. Marriage? We never talked about that. We only just met, technically. What if…

  “Is it crazy to say yes?” I surprise the both of us with my response.

  Matthias chuckles. “You’re asking the man who just proposed. I’m mad with you.”

  “Is it too soon?” I speak my fear.

  “It’s been too long,” Matthias contradicts. I nod and smile. Way too long. Now that he’s here, it feels like we’ve been apart for too long.

  “Okay. Yes. Wow.” My eyes water as the significance of this moment plays out in slow motion.

  When I realize he’s reaching into his pocket, the tears fall faster. My vision is blurred as he opens the box and I see three rings. My eyes snap to his. Matthias is wearing a gentle smile and intense eyes.

  “I bought this the day you saw me across the street, climbing into my car. I know we needed our space, and it was so easy to chase you, but I tried not to. Instead, I found this perfect symbol of my love for you, so I bought it. All the stones are sapphire, even the orange. Today, I’ll only give you the center ring, the other two bands are for our wedding.” I watch him slip off a ring that has a gold circle with ridges and a round, orange sapphire in the center of the circle.

  “This is my promise to always chase the stars with you and rest in the forests with the fairies beside you.” The cold metal tickles my skin as he slips the ring on my finger.

  “What do the other two rings symbolize?” My eyes haven’t left his.

  “You and me. The cool, blue band is your feminine beauty and nurturing nature. The orange band is for me. My promise to always keep your days bright and illuminated, support you and your wisdom, and share my own warmth with you.”

  “Yin and yang,” more tears fall.

  “Yes. Both of our counterparts coming together to form a whole while remaining true to ourselves.” I stare at the two bands that curve to frame the one on my finger. Each one with small, round sapphires framing it, reminding me of the sun and moon.

  I kiss him again, this time slow and sensual. I push my body to his, needing to feel him. It’s too much, what I feel for him. I only ever thought this kind of love existed for the rare fortunate ones to find it. A privilege many times I didn’t think I deserved.

  “I love you,” I whisper against his lips.

  “I love you, too.” I shiver upon hearing his words, the sky growing with clouds. “Are you cold?”

  “No. I can’t explain what I feel, but it’s not cold.”

  Matthias nods with a smile. “It’s our destiny.”

  I’ve spent a lot of my life questioning the cards I’ve been dealt. I’ve spent years confused as to how and why things happen. I’ve denied people I used to love. I’ve turned my back on those I cared about because it was easier than staying by their side as I watched them self-destruct. I’ve set the timer on my own bomb. I’ve walked crooked paths, made unethical choices, broken the law and a few hearts. I’ve deemed myself unworthy of love, convinced myself affection was war, and that pain was peace. My hurt was multiplied the further I walked in life because it fed a part of me that thrived on it. I’ve judged and convicted sinners when my own sins were dangling next to theirs. I’ve turned a blind eye when I should’ve been present and brave enough to make a stance.

  I have imperfections. I have weapons that can destroy others. I’ve used some of them to destroy myself. I’ve played with fire and danced in the smoke.

  I’ve been a wild child and imprisoned adult.

  The one thing I’ve never done is allow my heart to be open, to welcome love like this. I’ve never given myself permission to surrender to all my desires. Some people wear rose-colored glasses. I owned filth-colored ones.

  But now I’ve removed it all. The judgments, pain, anger, disgust, shame. I stand before a man, willing to make an eternal life with him because I’ve dealt with myself. I’ve listened to what I had to say because how can we expect others to hear when we ignore ourselves?

  It’s time I live out my destiny without the bullshit baggage.

  I close my eyes and send it all to the wind, in this sacred space, until I am weightless. No longer a feeling, but a state. Wings like fairies to fly with and shine in my eyes like stars that illuminate millions of miles away.

  I hold Matthias’s hand with both of mine and smile. “Let’s save this moment.” I get my phone from my back pocket and hold my arm out to take a picture of us. I smile and snap three photos.

  Turning my phone around to look at them, I see the first of us both smiling at the camera. The other two Matthias is looking at me. Seeing the way he looks at me, I breathe out lightly and know that time doesn’t matter. It’s not too soon or too long. Us, here, is perfect timing.

  I roll out of bed as stiffly as I can and tiptoe out of the room and out the patio doors. Perfect timing. I stand in the chill of the early morning and cross my arms. I’m tempted to run in for a jacket but don’t want to miss the sunrise. I still get surprised by the cool air when we’re already
in summer. The weather here is different from where I came from, no heatwave or suffocating humidity. I smile as I can now think back to my birthplace with peace.

  Through the leaves of the oak tree, I see the rays of the sun peeking. My arms fall to my sides as I stare in awe of the majestic sun rising. After last night’s raging thunderstorm, I was unsure if the sky would be clear this morning. The lingering smell of hay from the humidity is the only proof that it rained yesterday.

  My skin pebbles as I close my eyes and breathe deeply. Gratitude fills me as the bright light dances through my eyelids. I follow the light, watching it intensify and diminish behind my lids.

  I open my eyes with a start and look to the right, sensing movement. A small smile covers my face. I’m not used to this, not accustomed to sharing my space with someone. Yet here he is. Here we are.

  As soon as we returned from Spain two months ago, I moved into Matthias’s cottage. Living further away from the city has been a dream, but Matthias has still been unsuccessful in teaching me to drive. I smile at the memory of the last time he gave me a lesson.

  “I wanted to watch the sunrise,” I state.

  “I figured.” His eyes smile as I take in his mussed hair and bare chest. “Can I join you?”

  One of my favorite things about him is that he asks for permission. He understands the sacredness of time to myself. He understands me. I nod, looking back at the sun. Above the branches now, its light shines with more intensity.

  Matthias stands behind me. He doesn’t touch my skin, but his presence surrounds me nonetheless. Front to back, we stand in silence below the rising day as the poetry of life makes verses of our love.

  His energy resonates with mine, every day connecting deeper and more profoundly. When I shiver, he wraps his arms around me, holding me to him. Being with him like this is like foreplay for my soul.

  “You shouldn’t be out here without a sweater,” he chastises, his palms sneaking under my shirt and pressing against my stomach.

  I shiver against his cold hands. “I’ve only been here a few minutes.”

  “Let’s go inside,” he whispers into my ear, my skin tingling for a different reason now. I place my hands on his forearms, my wedding rings catching my attention. The orange stone warms me, just like the sky as the sun rises. We didn’t wait longer than a month to get married.

  It was just Matthias and me in the forest by the cottage with a minister. We exchanged promises to love fiercely and support each other every day. It was simple, intimate, and ours. Matthias in black pants and a white dress shirt with the first two buttons undone. I wore a flowing, blush pink dress and flowers in my hair.

  We spent that night eating under the starry sky and laughing.

  Matthias had arranged for my parents to visit a couple of days after, so we had dinner with his family, mine, and Makenna. I couldn’t have asked for a better celebration.

  “Come on.” He tugs my hand and walks us back into our home. Gently, Matthias sits me on top of the table in the center of the kitchen and hands me a bowl of cherries.

  “Eat while I make tea,” he pecks my lips. My stomach growls, causing me to giggle.

  “My brother arrives next Tuesday,” I remind him. “I’ve already told Makenna I won’t be seeing clients that day.”

  He nods. “We’ll drive to Bristol to pick them up.” Matthias hands me a hot mug with a steeping teabag. My brother, Marcos, and my sister-in-law, Becky, are coming to visit. They were the only ones missing from our ceremony, but I’m happy Matthias will meet them soon. We have a more unconventional relationship than they do, and although they haven’t said as much, I know they are anxious to meet Matthias. I can imagine their thoughts about my meeting him and being married within a few months. It’s insane when I think about it from a disconnected point of view, however, waiting even longer would’ve been a waste of time.

  “Thank you.” I lean forward and pucker my lips, asking for a kiss. Matthias chuckles and obliges. .He taps the top of my thigh, and I climb down, sitting at the breakfast table with him.

  “You’re gonna spoil me with this kind of breakfast.” My stomach growls as I look at the fried eggs, sausage, and toast.

  “I gotta keep you fed and healthy,” he winks. “You are cooking our baby.” The joy that surrounds him melts away my fears of being pregnant, of bringing a baby into this world, of being a mother. All of it melts away when I see his smile and the way his eyes shine.

  I had no idea I was pregnant when we flew to Spain. It would’ve been too soon to know anything, but it somehow happened. Something doctors throughout the years assured me would take time and patience to achieve because of my health challenges. I guess when the Universe has a plan for you, nothing stands in the way.

  I remember taking the test a couple weeks ago. I’m not even sure why I bought it. My body is so irregular I never know if I’m starting my menstrual cycle or finishing it. Yet, I bought a pregnancy test and took it while Matthias sat in the living room, oblivious to my plan. I waited, heart in my throat and palms sweaty until the results came in. Then, I took the second one, just in case. Both positive.

  I almost threw up. Then, I cradled my stomach and cried. Tears of joy mixed with tears of sadness. I wasn’t sure what to feel.

  For so long I never wanted to be a mother. I never wanted to bring a human into this world where shit was so fucked up. And that was before I knew everything my family had lived through.

  Years ago, I had a vision, a meditation, almost as if I had split into two places at once. I was at home, in the kitchen, talking to my mom and my aunt, but all I saw was me coming home from work and walking through a dimly lit house. It was my home, but not the same I was currently standing in. I moved with ease, with only one destination in mind. As soon as I arrived, I leaned against the doorframe and saw a man holding our tiny daughter, humming to her so softly. I had never experienced unconditional love before that moment.

  I got a tiny taste of it before it was ripped from me, back to the present where I stood in a kitchen where there was no man and no baby. Freaking out, I ran to the bathroom and then prayed for that reality. I suddenly had an urge to have a child, to be a partner to someone. I wanted that more than my stubborn independence.

  Since then, I’d had dreams. Dreams with a little girl, eyes so blue and a smile so soft. A delicate being that was mine to protect. I’d have other dreams with a man I knew from the moment I met him. But I never again had the same vision with both in one.

  Now, it’s as if both parallel universes crashed and created their own.

  When I finally stopped the crying, I walked up to Matthias with the pregnancy test in my hand. He looked up at me from the book he was reading on the couch. Wordlessly, I handed him the test. When he realized what I was communicating, he tossed the book to a side and pulled me to him. Standing between his legs, he lifted my shirt and began kissing my belly like a maniac in love. I guess that’s what he is.

  Some moments I forget I’m pregnant, like this morning when I carelessly walked out into the cold with nothing but a thin tee shirt and pajama shorts. It hits me suddenly. Usually when I catch Matthias looking at me when he thinks I’m deep in thought. Other days, I wake up with my hand already placed on my stomach, wondering when I’ll be showing.

  We’ve agreed not to tell anyone until I’m further along, and we were worried about flying so early on, but the doctor assured us everything was okay.

  “Eat,” Matthias demands. I smirk and continue eating my breakfast. Although we have no idea if we’re having a boy or girl yet, Matthias swears it’s the same little girl with blue eyes.

  Secretly, I’m hoping she is.

  “To Navia,” Matthias raises his glass, and everyone follows. I lift my water and playfully roll my eyes. There’s nothing I hate more than attention. “I’m proud of you and your success.” Everyone else cheers in agreement and clinks their glasses together.

  We’re gathered with Matthias’s friends, who have become cl
ose to me, and my Marcos and Becky. The Keeper of Secrets was picked up by my first choice publisher, and we’ve quickly begun working together. The process is different than publishing fiction, but I’ve learned so much, starting with actually finishing a project I had given up on at one point. I thank Matthias for the completion of this, and I made that clear to him in my dedication.

  I may not be one-hundred-perfect at peace with my grandfather, but I’m no longer so angry that I’m poisoning myself with his venom. Compassion has been the hardest lesson with him. I’ve started by having compassion for myself for still having some resentment, but I’m not clinging on to it. I want my baby to be born into a world where strength and love are maximized.

  I take a moment just to observe our table, British and Americans laughing over drinks, asking what certain expressions mean despite the same language. I smile as my brother and James discuss the friendly rivalry between Real Madrid and Chelsea soccer teams.

  He and Matthias hit it off. I could tell they were unsure of Matthias, but as soon as they sparked up a conversation on the drive back from the airport, I knew my brother approved. Becky gave me a thumbs up in the back seat on the way home. It’s nice to have them here, celebrating a milestone and seeing where I live.

  “Navia, you’re one of us now. Tell your brother we’ve got the best teams in the world.”

  “Sorry, James. I’m a Real Madrid fan through and through,” I shrug unapologetically.

  “Bollocks,” James calls out. “You married her, lad?” He looks at Matthias.