Within Reach

by Talie D. Hawkins

  “Please, Jane,” he pleaded again. Then he let go, remembering himself. It was too late though. What I felt from him crushed me. It was absolute heart ache and sorrow. Too much for me to process so I ran as he called after me, causing a scene.

  Gwen was on my heels, but not before she warned him to leave me alone. I didn’t know where else to go so I ran to my car and leaned against it as I tried to catch my breath.

  “Jesus, are you okay?” Gwen asked.

  “I will be. I’m fine. Go back. I’ll be alright.” I tried to convince myself as I said it. Riley walked up behind her and my breath caught when I saw his face. The anguish on it matched what I felt when he grabbed me.

  “Please hear me out,” he said, just above a whisper.

  “Gwen, let me deal with this. I promise I’ll text you if I need you.” She studied my face for a moment then nodded as she walked away, giving Riley the evil eye as she did. I stood up a little straighter and pulled my sweater over my shoulder to cover up a little.

  He kept a safe distance between us, but he stared at me, making me self conscious. “I can’t even explain how much I have thought about your face the past few weeks. It’s the only thing that has kept me sane. Now I see it, and I see every once of hurt I have caused you and I suddenly can’t stand myself.”

  “You said you would explain. So explain.” He opened his mouth but I cut him off. “Explain why you disappeared without warning. What’s your excuse for leaving me here to wonder if you were hurt? What was so hard about picking up a phone? You called Kevin? Is it because I’m stupid and I believed I meant something to you? Something more than Lacrosse?” I wiped the tears that were furiously spilling out of my eyes. I was messy crying at this point, but I didn’t care. “I was scared for you, Riley! Do you have any idea of what it’s been like to not know?”

  “Saying I’m sorry seems incredibly inadequate,” he whispered. I shook my head at him. “I was trying to protect you. That seems ridiculous as I say it, because I did exactly what I was trying not to do. I was trying not to hurt you.” It had been an overcast day, but now darker clouds were forming and I was glad. The daylight had me feeling exposed. “You said you could feel things off of someone...even if they didn’t touch you...if you were really close, right?” I nodded and he went on. “Was I wrong to assume we were that close? What I have been feeling has been a nightmare and I wanted to protect you from it. I know you told me not to do that, but I just wanted to sort out the mess with my dad and I was a seething wreck. I didn’t want you to feel any of that. I literally wanted to hurt my dad and I didn’t want you to feel that side of me.”

  I wiped my face and tried to stop the relentless tears. “You think I haven’t felt something like that before? Or at least once a day when people bump into me? That isn’t a reason to not call. Or text. I can’t feel anything from a text.”

  “I didn’t want you to feel it from me.”

  “I’m not sure if you understand that you broke my heart. I let my guard down for you. I let myself fall in love with you and now I see how stupid that was.” His eyes widened and he stared at me with an intensity that made me shiver.

  “Did you say fall in love with?” I realized I said it out loud and squeezed my eyes shut.

  “Jane?” I looked at him and his jaw tightened. I jumped a little when I felt a cold rain drop land on my nose. He took a step closer and before I could stop myself I got in my car and drove away.

  My heart was still racing when I got home. I sat and stared at my front porch as I tried to figure out what had just happened. “Riley is back and I said I was in love with him,” I said to myself.

  My phone bounced between calls and text messages from Riley and Gwen, but I didn’t have the energy to answer either. I was thankful it was Friday and I didn’t have to face school and possibly Riley the next day. All I could think about was how I blurted out that I was in love with him and it bothered me for the rest of the day and distracted me at my shift at work.

  “Did you hear me? I said your blonde friend who eats as much as a football player is looking for you,” Zane said as I opened a box of to-go cups.

  “Oh, sorry. I’ll be right out.”

  Gwen was tapping her nails on the counter when I finally came out of the store room.

  “Hey! Where did you disappear to at school?” she asked.

  “I...I had to get out of there and I’m such an idiot,” I said as I replayed the situation in my head.

  “What happened? And I need one of those salted chocolate chip cookies,” she said as she pointed to it in the case. I rolled my eyes at her and grabbed one. I pulled my apron of to and let Zane know I was taking my break.

  “He said he was sorry.” I had curled myself up on the sofa and rested my chin on my knees. “He was worried that I would feel all the stuff he’s been going through and he didn’t want to upset me I guess?” I grabbed Gwen’s cookie and took a bite.

  “Hey!” she said as she snatched it back. “So do you believe him? I mean, you would be able to tell if he was full of it, right?”

  “Yeah. I do believe him, but I blurted out some things that probably freaked him out.”

  “Uh-oh. What did you say?” she asked, raising her eyebrow at me as I hid my face.

  “I may or may not have said I was in love with him.” Gwen gasped and almost choked on the bite she took.

  “Jane! Shut up! Are you?”

  “No idea. I don’t have anything to compare this to. All I know is that I was physically sick with worry when he was gone and even though I’m still upset, every ounce of me wants to be near him. It’s too much. Too scary. I don’t like feeling that helpless when it comes to someone.”

  “Yep. You’re in love.”

  “Great,” I said with dripping sarcasm.

  My dad was gone the next day and I was glad to have the house to myself before I went to work. I had picked my phone up a dozen times to reply to Riley, but each time I came up short with what to say. Most of his voicemails and messages were apologies and pleas for us to talk, but I couldn’t face him. Luckily, the house needed my attention, so I kept myself busy as I dusted and swept between loads of laundry.

  Once I was done I settled on the couch with a plate of leftover spaghetti for lunch, but I was interrupted from my first bite with a knock at my front door. I sighed when I saw who it was through the window. There would be no avoiding him now. He saw me and I had to open the door. I braced myself, not even caring that I was in dirty boxers and a stained t-shirt.

  “Hey,” I said when I opened the door. I crossed my arms over my chest to stay warm. It had started to rain again outside and the wind had me shivering instantly. Riley was already soaking, with raindrops stuck in his shaggy hair and long eyelashes.

  “Please tell me you still do,” he said over the rain that was beating down on the roof of the porch.

  “Still do what?”

  “Love me.”

  “That’s not fair.” I looked down at my feet because his face was making my heart ache. He stepped closer and found my hands, interlocking his fingers with mine. He squeezed tight.

  “I knew that if I heard your voice or knew you missed me that I would crack. It’s a lame ass excuse, but if I had run back because I needed to be with you I would probably have ended up in jail for something I did to my dad. Just knowing you’re on the other end of a text or a call...I wouldn’t have had the willpower to stay away, but I needed to. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am, but I’ll keep trying. I’m here to stay now. My dad is leaving and my mom is moving back into the house and I’m here for good.”

  I took in what he was saying and knew it was true by the genuineness I felt from him, but it was all slowly overwhelming me. For once what I was feeling, the fact that I was so afraid of my own emotions, was too much for me. My heart rate quickened and I could feel my breaths getting shallower and shallower until a ringing in my ears made my vision go blurry. I felt Riley’s fingertips try to grip mine as my kn
ees buckled and everything went black.

  Chapter 23

  I felt a consistent tapping of something cold and wet on my face and my eyes struggled to flutter open because they felt like they had ten pound weights sitting on them. I looked up and blinked away a rain drop that had fallen from Riley’s hair and landed on my eyelid. I was completely disoriented until his face came into view. I realized my head was in his lap and I tried to sit up but he gently pushed me back down.

  “Easy. You just fainted. Don’t try to get up too fast,” he said. Everything that just happened rushed back into my memory, but all I could think about was how good it felt when he pushed the hair away from my face. “Why don’t we get you inside.” He gently guided me to my couch and wrapped a throw around me. Then he walked away, leaving me a little startled. “What are you doing?”

  “You just fainted....again...and I need to get you some food.”

  I knew he was worried about me because I had felt it when he helped me inside. “You don’t have to do that. I can manage. I really just want to rest.” My words were lost on him.

  “So go get comfortable.” I didn’t know how to respond, so I tried to do as I was told. I watched him as he used some paper towels to dry off his hair, then he took off his wet hoodie and put it on the back of a kitchen chair. My head was spinning with a million thoughts and I just wanted to make it quiet, so I turned on a show about haunted houses to distract myself.

  “I made you some of that cartoon noodle soup you had in your cabinet. I was worried your spaghetti sat out too long.” I rubbed my eyes and slowly sat up.

  “Go home.” I said as I massaged my temples to stop the headache that was starting to pound in them.

  “If that’s what you want.”

  I tried to choke back a sob, but it still escaped and I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes. Riley looked stunned and a little helpless. “I don’t know what I want,” I managed to say. “I want you to stay, but I don’t trust myself when it comes to you.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked. I stood up slowly, not quite trusting my legs yet.

  “You totally hurt me. I feel like an idiot for saying those words out loud, but you did. Yet, here I am, wanting you as close as possible...even if it means getting hurt again.”

  Something sparked in his eyes and he was standing next to me in a flash. “I am never going to hurt you again. I fucked up in California. I’m so, so sorry.” I stared at him, feeling completely helpless. I was out of things to say and I already said too much, but it didn’t stop him from taking a step closer and wrapping his arms around me. I started shaking as soon as he pressed my head to his chest. Out of all of the touches and the few kisses we had shared this felt like the closest I had been to him. “I know you’ll tell me if this is too much. I have to trust that,” he whispered as he held me a little tighter. After a minute or so of listening to his heart beat he reached down and laced his fingers in mine and rested his head on top of mine. “Should I leave?” he asked. I shook my head no. “Are you sure?” he said just before kissing the top of my head. This time I shook my head yes.

  He tilted my chin up to look at him and I shivered as he swept a lock of hair out of my eyes. He took me by surprise when he pressed his warm lips to mine as his hand pressed against the small of my back, leaving no distance between our bodies. I gave in completely and I couldn’t figure out if the relief I was feeling was his or mine or both. Our lips crushed together and I was absolutely lost in him. His lips pulled away and moved to the space just under my jaw bone and the sensation was enough to make my knees almost buckle. I wrapped my arms around his neck to keep myself from falling, but this only intensified what I was feeling from him and I had to steady my breath to avoid passing out. When his lips found their way back to mine I was hit with it again. Pure need. It was more than I could handle so I gently backed away and let go. I grabbed the spot where my heart was beating, willing it to slow down.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, catching his breath.

  “That was...” I carefully held the wall with shaky hands.

  “Was what? Too much?” He studied my face and I could see how worried he was. I took a few deep breaths as I tried to understand the feeling I was having. We were like two magnets being put together. At first they resist each other, but once they are together it’s impossible to break them apart. I was realizing that the few steps we had taken apart felt like miles and I wanted him as close as possible again, so I bridged the gap, taking him by surprise. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I stood on tip toes to reach him, but he met me in the middle, tilting his head down to close the distance as our lips met again. This time we melted into each other’s kiss over and over until we lost sense of anything and everything around us.

  He pulled away, just a tiny fraction, running his thumb across my cheekbone as he studied my eyes.

  “Jane St. George. You’re full of surprises,” he whispered as he smiled down at me. “How have I managed without you all this time?” I smiled back and rested my head against his chest as he engulfed me in his arms. “What are you thinking about?” he asked against my hair.

  “How this shouldn’t be so easy. I don’t want to be anywhere else.” I felt him kiss the top of my head.

  “Good.”

  .

  I shaded in the words I had drawn in the shape of plump lips. “Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips,” Gwen read as she watched me doodle. “Can I gag now or later?” I looked up at her with a warning.

  “No one should gag over a quote by Percy Shelley.”

  “Is this what I have to get used to now? No more dark and gloomy doodles? Just mushy boy crush stuff?”

  “Seriously?” I put my pencil down. “You should read the play. It’s quite gloomy.” She stared at me and shook her head before popping a potato chip in her mouth.

  “If you say so. So how are things between you two?”

  It had been a couple of weeks since Riley had come back and we were still working out the bugs of being together without making me pass out from overwhelming emotions. I had discovered I wasn’t very good with control, but thankfully, Riley knew when to put the brakes on.

  “It’s been good. Great actually. The only downside is that I have a couple of new enemies.”

  “Yeah, Mary Kate is not at all a fan of yours.” I shrugged my shoulders.

  “I’m sure she’ll get over it.”

  “Want to do something stupid, like a double date?” The simplicity of the idea made me smile.

  “Jake and Riley are friends, so why not?”

  “That new band I have been telling you about is playing on Friday. We should grab pizza and go to that.”

  “Sounds fun. I’ll check with Riley.” Gwen was grinning like an idiot. “What?”

  “Little pixie is growing up and has a boy,” she teased. I snatched the bag of chips from her and told her to shut up, but we both got shushed by our teacher. I shook my head at her as I straightened up in my seat and I could hear her trying not to laugh out loud. We managed to pull ourselves together and get through the rest of class without getting detention.

  “Guess what Gwen wants to do?” I asked as Riley and I walked hand in hand to his car after school.

  “That sentence immediately gives me anxiety.”

  “She wants to double date.”

  “Oh. Well, that’s not as terrible as I expected.”

  “So, hopefully you’re free on Friday?”

  He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a soft kiss.

  “I’m free any day you want me.”

  “Every day?” I teased.

  “If that’s what you want,” he whispered before pressing his lips to mine. I immediately turned to jelly and pulled him closer, letting out a little whimper, but he politely took my hands and pulled away a little. “Remember what happened last time?”

  “I didn’t actually pass out.”

  “It’s getting better and better. There is definitely something to this exposure t
herapy idea, but that takes baby steps.” It was hard to hide the fact that I was disappointed. “Trust me, this is no picnic for me either.” I squeezed his hand because this had become our compromise. Any time being close to him started to be too much, we settled for holding hands. “Now, tell me more about that double date?”

  Chapter 24

  The night had been surprisingly good. We shared a pizza before we headed to where the band played, but when Riley held my hand in the back of Jake’s car, I could feel some of his nervousness.

  “What is it?” I whispered.

  “Nothing.” He squeezed my hand, but his face turned when he remembered that would only let me feel more of what he was trying to hide from me. I let go and shifted a little in my seat. I would never get used to him hiding something from me and we spent the rest of the drive with a thick wall of tension between us.

  Once we were out of the car and at the venue he pulled me aside. “It’s going to be really crowded in there.” I waited for him to say something else, then I realized what had him on edge.

  “I’ll be okay. Don’t worry.” I hoped he would believe me, but I was so excited of the idea of a double date that I had forgotten all about the crowd we would encounter and how it might make me feel.

  “Just stay close to me.”

  I grabbed his hands and locked eyes with him. “I am going to be just fine. We’re here to enjoy ourselves.”

  As soon as we stepped in I wanted to step back out. Gwen and Jake had settled near the front of the stage as they waited for the band and Riley and I looked for a table to park ourselves at, but everything was taken. The accidental bumps and brushes from people moving in the noisy crowd were already getting to me, but I put a smile on my face and tried not to let all the little things I was feeling get the best of me.

  We found a corner that was a little bit calmer, but the longer we stood there, the more crowded the venue became.

  “I’ll go get us some sodas. You stay here so you don’t have to navigate the crowd,” Riley yelled over the opening band. I leaned against the wall and tried to make myself as small as possible. One after another I was brushed past by someone trying to get closer to the band. I closed my eyes in an attempt to tune everything out, but it didn’t help. When I felt a hand on my shoulder I jumped and screamed. Riley’s hand was still on my shoulder when I realized it was him and his jaw was tight and tense as he looked at me. He squeezed my hand and pulled me out of the venue then paced in front of me once we were outside.